Chapter 20

I felt weird about the way I'd left things with Ryan once I had time to think about it at the end of the day. Was he angry with me? He'd texted me that he flew out and then he texted me when he landed. I was busy. I told him I was glad he made it home safe but hadn't offered any other conversation. Should I have?

I'm not good at this stuff. I still can't believe that someone like Ryan exists, someone I'm actually attracted to who seems to understand. But, after today, I'm wondering if he really does understand. I had made it clear that my career was the most important part of my life right now, even if I do have feelings for him.

I didn't expect that either. Feelings. I don't even know when it crept up on me and became what it is now. I know that I don't want to lose him, but I also know that I'm not willing to give up my career for a guy. I've worked way too hard to get here. What I have here is mine and I'm not willing to give up any part of it.

He's a country man and I'm a city girl. How is this supposed to work? He doesn't seem to want to be in my world at all and I don't want to live on a farm for the rest of my life. I have no purpose there. If we're going to make this work, it has to be in our separate lives. Neither of us should have to give up anything.

I keep thinking back to when he was here, inside me, up against that couch. I think about all the other places he's been inside me, moving in all the perfect ways he moves. No one nightstand of the past can ever live up to that. That's how I know there are real feelings here. And I'm not sure how to handle it.

He makes me forget things. I was in the middle of building a presentation when he showed up; and I got so distracted by his dick that I missed adding a slide that was pretty important. I was able to make it work, but it was still embarrassing at the moment. Even now, after my day is over, I'm thinking about him. I should be reading, prepping for my meetings tomorrow, but instead, my mind is on when I'm going to see him again.

This isn't me.

Tomorrow, I have another meeting with IT. We are still having difficulty launching the much-needed upgrades, and if we don't get this done soon, the servers are going to be overloaded, and could shut down the entire freelance platform. I have to prep for options that we can do in case IT can't fix the glitch. I can't trust it to anyone else. I've always been like this, though, the person who has trouble delegating. This has to be more important than the next time I'll see Ryan. I have to make my work a priority. THE priority.

When I get home, I pour myself a glass of wine, turn on my favorite playlist through the Bluetooth speakers connected to my laptop, and dive back into my prep work. I order some sushi from a place I know is open late. Then I turn off my phone, but not before I see that I have messages from Ryan. Although, I don't read them. They can wait until tomorrow.

It takes another three glasses of wine for me to get to sleep. He's on my mind after I'm done with my prep. I expect I'll dream about him. When I wake up in the morning, I'm regretting those extra glasses of wine. I make my trusty hangover recovery smoothie and get going with my morning routine.

The barista at the coffee shop doesn"t need to ask; she knows my order by heart. Latte in hand, bagel in tow, I face the day head-on with each step along the bustling street a chance to clear cobwebs and construct barriers against intrusive thoughts.

Ryan will understand, or so I tell myself while chewing absentmindedly on the bagel"s edge. He knows me, my priorities, and he knows that when duty calls, I must answer first and foremost to it. But even now, walking alone with only the steam from my latte for company, I can"t shake off his imagined response. His patience, or perhaps disappointment, is clouding the clarity of this brisk morning air.

The meeting goes well, and I'm glad that I put aside my feelings for Ryan for a day to get that handled. That's when I have an epiphany. I can have my career and keep Ryan too if I put each in their own little box and keep them there. I can compartmentalize these important parts of my life and give them each the time they deserve.

By the time I sit down to lunch, there are nine messages from Ryan waiting to be read still from last night along with a few new ones. I open my messaging app while I'm waiting for my salad to arrive.

Message 1:Had a lot of chores to do when I got back, but I was thinking of you.

Message 2:Heading to bed. Hope to hear from you soon.

Message 3:Good morning. Good luck in your meeting today.

He remembered that I had an important meeting. He wants to hear from me, even though I basically dismissed him after sex when I know he wanted more before he left. My salad arrives, but I'm not hungry anymore. I keep reading.

Message 4:I know you're heading in for your bagel and latte. I hope you have a great day.

Message 5:Did you do the meeting yet? How did it go?

Message 6:I'm starting to get worried. Are you okay?

Message 7:Julia? Just let me know you're alive at least.

Message 8:I called your office. Your assistant said you were in a meeting, so at least I know you're there.

Message 9:Call me when you get these messages, I guess. I'll be out with the horses, so I may not answer.

I take a sip of my water. I need to talk to him. I have to make the compartments of my life separate so that I can give him the time he needs. Otherwise, I'm going to lose him, and I don't think I'm going to be able to make it up to him if that happens. I tap the call button next to his name and listen to it ring. I stop breathing after the second one, and I let it out when he answers on the fourth.

"So, you are alive," he answers.

"Yes. I'm so sorry, Ryan. I got so caught up with this meeting and prepping for alternatives that may still be needed." It all comes out in one breath.

"I know, your career is important." His voice is flat.

"You're important to me too," my voice is small.

"Am I really? I'm not so sure lately. Is it only about this big upgrade that you are working on, or is there something else going on?" I can hear the twinge of anger as he speaks.

"You are, and, yes, that's what it was about. I was distracted by this glitch in the new update that IT was supposed to roll out last month and they still can't find what is causing the issue. I didn't even realize how badly I'd messed up when you were here yesterday."

"But you do realize you messed up."

"Yes, I realize that."

I hear him sigh over the phone, and I hear barking in the distance.

"How's Rusty?" I try to change the subject.

"He's feisty, running around and chasing birds."

"Of course he is," I chuckle a little, still hoping to break some of this tension between us.

"Has he made a mess of the shop anymore?" I ask.

"Not lately," he answers and starts chuckling at the memory.

We both laugh, but when it dies down, the silence is uncomfortable.

"Ryan, I'm going to do better. I'll make time for you every day. I can figure this out, I promise. We can make this work."

"And that's what you really want? To make this work?" He doesn't sound convinced.

"Yes," I keep my voice firm. "I know this is what I want. I'm willing to work for us to stay together."

"Okay," he pauses for a second, "let's plan for you to come out here for the weekend, then. Book a flight today and follow through. Friday night through Sunday afternoon, you'll be mine."

I take a look at my desk calendar and see that my Friday afternoon is light and so is my Monday morning, for now at least.

"I'll do it. I'll send you my flight details tonight."

"I'll be waiting."

I end the call and immediately look up flights for Friday night. It'll be expensive, but that's not really an issue for me. I send an email to my second in command, the CFO, and let him know that if anything comes up over the weekend, I'm telling the team to divert to him.

I get an email back that he's good with that, and although I'm nervous about letting up on the reins a bit, I'm excited to see Ryan again for an entire weekend. I send him my flight details when I get home, and he sends a message back almost immediately.

Ryan:See you Friday night.