15. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

YOU'RE NOT A MISTAKE

On what would be my last day in Tallulah, Texas, Brenda/Carole informed me I would need to break up with my mayor. We were set to film before the king and queen were announced, and aside from a few text messages to brainstorm what we were going to say, I hadn't seen or spoken to Rivers all day. After the evening we spent together in jail, his hand resting over my heart for hours, there was this unbearable craving inside of me. If it hurt this much to go a day without him, I had no clue how I would handle it once I was back home.

I'd kept my emotions in check for most of the day. Buy by the time the sun set over the horizon, I was a broken mess of a man. Tallulahns rushed around us, enjoying carnival games and carnival rides. As life bustled on, the small patch of grass we'd commandeered felt like a breeding ground for heartache. We'd been sitting there for ten minutes as the camera crew setup for the shot, neither of us saying a word.

"Alright, boys," Brenda/Carole said. "We're just about ready." She took a seat in front of us, reaching toward the bowl of muscadines I'd brought for our picnic. She grabbed one, popping it into her mouth, and moaned as the flavor traveled across her tongue. "God, those are good. Okay, here's how this is going to work. When we first got here, I figured this would be a shitstorm of epic proportions. I wasn't expecting much when I signed on, but I think this has a real shot of being a hit. The chemistry between you is electric." She turned to Rivers. "Excluding yesterday, at least. Do you know how much time we're going to have to spend editing the footage to make you come across as likable? Your behavior was unacceptable, and if you try something like that again, I'll see to it that your career in small-town government is just as brief as Phillip's solo career. There was way too much anger on your part, Lake—"

"His name isn't Lake. It's Rivers," I said, my voice cracking. "Stop calling him that." He squeezed my hand, and I pretended like the act didn't shatter me all over again.

"It's okay, Firecracker," he said, his voice small and shattered, just like mine.

"It's not okay. You've gone out of your way to help us—to help me. You didn't have to do any of this. The least she can do is say your name right." I glared at her. "It's Rivers."

"It's Rivers," she agreed, looking remorseful. "Alright, Phil, I want you to initiate. You'll tell Rivers that you'll cherish the time you've spent together, and if the situation was different, you could imagine a life with him. Rivers, you'll bat those dreamy eyes of yours at him and look heartbroken and lost." She stared at him. "Exactly. Just like that. Then I want a kiss. A real one, not one of those fake-outs you've been giving me. The viewers are going to want to see passion. Give them as much as you can."

"Alright," I said.

"What?" she said.

"I said, alright."

Brenda/Carole blinked at me, cocking her head to the side. "That's it? You're not going to fight me on it?"

I turned and looked at Rivers. "Will you kiss me? I know it's on camera, but I…" I closed my eyes and sighed, knowing how pathetic I was about to sound. "This might be our last chance, and I would really like to kiss you, Rivers." Slowly opening my eyes, I tried to read his expression. Warmth. That's how it felt. Like I was standing in sunshine, bathed in his light. "Please?"

Rivers reached up, touching my cheek. "I'd be honored, Firecracker."

"Good," Brenda/Carole said. "Alright, let's get this show on the road. Break a leg and break the viewers' hearts." With that, she slinked off and stood beside the cameraman, giving us two thumbs up.

Snapping into character, I stared at Rivers. I reached for the bowl of muscadines, taking one out and holding it in front of his mouth.

"Rivers," I said, so light and low that I didn't know if the microphones had even caught it. Rivers heard it, though. His eyes slammed shut, his mouth opening to take the grape like a substitute for the one thing I couldn't let him keep. He chewed it slowly, and as he did, I stroked his cheek, brushing away a tear that had fallen. "Please don't cry."

"I'm okay," he said, though he didn't sound okay at all. "We knew this wasn't permanent."

"If things had been different… I wish things were different."

"Me too." Slowly, he opened his eyes, blinking back tears. "So, you're going, then?"

I nodded. "Tomorrow morning."

He took a muscadine from the bowl and held it out for me. I didn't want a grape, though. What I wanted was the man sitting across from me. The boy with matching names. The greatest mayor to have ever reigned over Tallulah, Texas.

My county fair king.

Opening my mouth, I allowed him in. The muscadine skin was cool against my tongue. I knew there was a burst of flavor waiting for me inside of it, but rather than crack the flesh, I let it sit on my tongue. If I didn't bite down, maybe we could stay in this moment. The world would go quiet around us, the scent of cotton candy would cling to the air, and Rivers Rivera's fingertip would never leave my lips.

"I'm going to miss you, you know," he said. "Promise me something. Don't shut yourself off again. I know you think you're just broken pieces, but you're not. You've got a good heart, Firecracker. A strong one. Don't let it go to waste." His hand squeezed mine harder than it ever had, like he was trying to shove his sincerity into me by touch. "You're worthy of love, baby. You deserve to be loved. What I said yesterday, about regretting you coming home—"

"Listen kids, you can't reference anything that happened off camera. The viewers won't know what you're talking—" Brenda/Carole started before being cut off.

"Shut up," he growled. "Just shut up with your directing and let me talk to him." His hand gently gripped the side of my throat, his nails dragging against the back of my neck. "I don't regret anything. Not a single second since you came home. What I regret is not telling you how I felt when we were kids. Those awful, terrible things I said to you in jail; that's what I regret. I didn't mean them." He rushed his words out, like he was scared that if he didn't say them quickly enough, he may never get the chance to say them again. "I didn't, Phillip. You know that, don't you? I don't think you're a mistake. You're not a mistake."

"I know. Rivers, I know." I stared down at his hand, now resting over my heart. Could he feel how hard it was beating? Did he know it would only ever beat for him? "I wish I could make it better."

He was quiet for a moment. So quiet, I worried Brenda/Carole might interject, demanding he pick up the pace. She didn't, though. She let us get lost in the moment. Eventually, our eyes met, and the desperation in his matched the hopelessness in mine. "Please, don't go. Just stay with me, Phillip. I'll make it good for you, I promise. I'll make it so good for you. We could be happy together, couldn't we? Beau loves you. I… I care for you. You can feel it too. I know you do."

"I can't stay, Riv."

"Then we can just do long distance for now. It works for other people. It can work for us, can't it? You'll come back and visit me, and then I can come and see you. You can show Beau and me around England, and when you're down here, we can just pick up where we left off." I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. "Please?"

I shook my head. "You're going to make someone so happy one day. I know you will."

"I can make you happy. You just have to give me the chance."

"No, you can't. Because I'm not cut out for this. I don't want it, Rivers. I don't want—" You, is what I needed to say. What I could never say to him. "I can't tie myself down. My career is finally picking back up. I can't give that up again. Not for Tallulah. Not even for you. I wish I could, but I—"

He launched into motion, rising to his knees and hobbling toward me with no care for his own comfort. He knocked over the bowl of grapes, sending them scattering across the blanket. Before I could brace myself, he was sitting on top of me, straddling my lap. His hands cupped each side of my face, and he leaned in until our noses touched. I could smell funnel cake still fresh on his breath.

"I'll make it so good for you, I promise." Then, as if he was trying to prove his sincerity, he slammed his mouth against mine, sucking my bottom lip between his. His fingers threaded through my hair, curling into a fist and pulling me as close as he could get me. It was like he was trying to swallow me whole. Like he was trying to render me immobile so I couldn't run off. I didn't want to run. I wanted to stay on the lonely little blanket for the rest of my life. Wrap myself up in him until the only things left in the world were our meeting mouths and mingling breaths.

He fed me my name on an endless loop, each variation more insistent than the last. When our tongues twirled for the first time, it was like explosions. Fireworks sparkling in the darkened sky. The world spinning on its axis at lightning speed. Cotton candy and muscadine wine. The county fair queen and her heartbroken king.

"Phillip." Our teeth tapped. "God, Phillip." He rocked against me, pressing the evidence of his desire into my stomach. "Stay, baby. Just stay with me."

Rivers Rivera's dick was hard.

It was hard, and it was seeking friction.

I didn't know what the hell to do. As much as I wanted this, we were in the middle of a county fair. He was essentially dry-fucking me for the whole town to see.

"Rivers… Riv, there are people everywhere." I grabbed his hips, trying to slow him before we got arrested for indecent exposure. Unfortunately, Rivers was in his own little world, and the only way I could stop him was by pulling away.

Needy little sounds escaped his throat. Cracks, clicks, and whimpers that felt like pleas. Hooded eyes that were half-glazed, and a very visible bulge in the front of his slacks.

I fucking wanted him. Needed him.

Asking him to come home with me would be a terrible idea. It wasn't something I'd be proud of in the morning. Still, with him sitting in my lap like it was the only place he wanted to be, I couldn't deny myself. I could kick myself in the morning. Tonight, I wanted him. A fitting ending for the mayor and his popstar.

I opened my mouth, smiling. Before I could get a single word out, he pulled away from me, his cheeks red with embarrassment.

"You should go," he said. "Or I should?" He huffed out a warm breath directly into my face. It was cake and cinnamon, and traces of long-forgotten toothpaste. It was Rivers standing on a stage after my name had been called, terror heavy in his eyes. It was him cuddled up close on the Ferris wheel. His smile at the airport when he held up his hand-written sign. Yoga by Eulah. Foote's Feet. Minnie's Diner. It was home, and it was Riv. My Riv.

He stood up and whirled around, marching across the perfectly manicured courthouse lawn. He scooped up Beau, who was waiting in line with Aunt Lurlene, hoping to get a sugary treat. When he was gone—when all I had left were the remnants of our picnic and scattered relics of what might have been—I broke. The walls I'd spent years trying to build shattered like glass, glittering in the Texas sky. I knew there was no coming back from this. My brief career in this romantic-life reboot had been short, and it had been excruciating. Stick a fork in me, because I was done.

Around me, couples played carnival games like everything was still okay. Kids screamed and laughed on rides, as if the Texas stars—big and bright—hadn't all just gone out. Jordan and my father bumped shoulders as their quiet romance played out for the world to see.

A pair of arms wrapped around me from behind, and even though I could see Rivers walking toward the ring toss, I thought it might have been him. That he'd somehow torn himself in two, sending away the part of him that hated me for leaving, so all that was left was his love.

It was a nice thought, but it wasn't true.

"I'm sorry," Brenda/Carole said with a voice so genuine it took me by surprise.

"I'm fine." I patted her hand lightly before pushing it away. In less than twelve hours, Jordan and I would be on a flight heading back to London. Back where I belonged. Out of the past, and into my future. I stood up, dusting off stray blades of grass, and the last of my self-confidence, ready to leave Tallulah and Rivers Rivera far behind. For a moment, I felt relief, because the night was over. This disaster of a day was coming to an end, and I was going to be able to crawl into my childhood bed, cuddle up next to Jordan, and let him rock me to sleep.

Then it dawned on me.

We still had a coronation upon us.

Fuck.