PIPPAVERSE GOSSIP NETWORK INTERVIEW

Welcome to the Pippaverse Gossip Network, where we have Tripp Wilson and Lila Valentine sitting with us in cozy chairs before the fire to dish on what's been going on since Tripp proposed. Conducting the interview today will be Knox's nana. Take it away, Nana!

Nana: Thanks, Poops. Ah, I mean, Pippa. Parker's autocorrect calls you Poops. I like it.

Pippa: Nana. The interview.

Nana: Hold onto your britches. We're getting there. Now. Lila. Let's talk about the fact that you're secretly Buck Tickle.

Lila: Ah, Nana, I'm not—

Nana: You can run, but you can't hide, lady.

Pippa: Nana. This is an interview. Not a police interrogation. Plus, you're wrong. Lila, how about you tell us the mascot finalist?

Lila: We're not discussing that.

Tripp: Only because as of this interview, the polls are still open. No guarantees if you're reading this much after our book launches though.

Lila: I'm really impressed that we both didn't get fired when that meatball logo was unveiled.

Tripp:

Nana: Speaking of meatballs, lets' talk about sex.

Lila: I highly approve of sex.

Tripp: Agreed.

Lila: Except for that awkward night that James came bursting in and asked us why we were playing elephant.

Tripp: And that time in the office that the Berger twins dropped by.

Lila: I appreciated the clapping, but it was definitely weird.

Tripp: They didn't have many good options.

Lila: I meant the part where Ares's wife brought a puppet and narrated things for us.

Tripp: So…no ventriloquists working for the Fireballs?

Lila: Maybe next year.

Tripp: When we can formally make Firequacker talk.

Lila: When we can make meatballs talk.

Nana: I voted for the echidna. Did you know they have four heads on their penises? That'd take a lot of ventriloquists to make all those heads talk.

Lila:

Tripp:

Pippa: Nana, I know you wanted to make Lila uncomfortable, but I thought you meant asking her about the Dalton Wellington thing.

Nana: I do. Gotta tell you, I was disappointed. Kept trying to find that hot billionaire to convince him to marry me.

Lila: Um.

Tripp: I'm sure he would've been honored, Nana. If he were real.

Lila: Yes. That.

Nana: Never mind that then. Let's talk about the kids. Lila, how's stepmothering going? Have you turned evil yet? Are you ready to sell them off to the highest bidder? Put them to work cleaning the carpets?

Tripp: Unfortunately, none of that's happening. Which is too bad. I'd love a clean house.

Lila: You want me to turn evil?

Tripp: Maybe for some role-playing in the bedroom.

Lila: I'm not sure I could pretend to be evil for you.

Tripp: It's easy. Just channel your Uncle Guido.

Lila: …

Tripp: …

Lila: You want to sleep with my Uncle Guido?

Tripp: I didn't mean that. Interviews make me nervous.

Lila: So we should wrap this up?

Nana: Is your Uncle Guido single? I always wanted to know a guy named Guido. Is he into alien butt stuff?

Lila: …

Tripp:

Lila:

Tripp:

Lila: So, Nana, you want to hear about the time I had to take Emma to the emergency room because she got popcorn stuck up her nose?

Tripp: She means the time she had to go with Emma because they both had popcorn stuck up their noses.

Lila: That game was super intense. I didn't even notice the kernel going up there.

Tripp: She thought she was giving both of you nose rings.

Lila and Tripp:

Nana: Was it cheese popcorn?

Lila: Buttered, actually. I smelled butter for a week afterwards.

Tripp: She wished it was caramel.

Nana: And how did you fare, Mr. Wilson?

Tripp: I'm getting better with hospitals.

Lila: It's a journey.

Nana: Like going in Playboy to do a full body spread as Dalton Wellington?

Lila: That…is never going to happen.

Tripp: Definitely never. But Lila does have a tell-all book in the works.

Lila: With proceeds going to art programs.

Tripp: And scholarship funds.

Lila: You say that like we're going to tap out every art program in the country.

Tripp: I have faith in you.

Lila:

Tripp:

Nana: Wait. Do that again. You were sitting down in separate chairs, and now you're cuddling in one. I didn't even blink.

Tripp: Magic of being a fictional character. The flaming unicorns are going to come flying through the walls next.

Nana:

Lila, whispering to Tripp: That was mean. You should've told her she zoned out.

Tripp, whispering back: I was afraid she'd tell us she was imagining your Uncle Guido as Dalton Wellington in Playgirl, and I didn't want that mental image.

Lila:

Tripp: Oh. Sorry. Can I bake you chocolate chip cookies to make up for this?

Lila: You know I'll forgive you without the cookies.

Tripp: But if I make you cookies, we can…

Lila: So, Nana. Interview's over, right? We have this appointment…

Tripp: We do. Life as baseball owners is never done.

Nana: Wait! I didn't get to ask you if the Fireballs are winning this year! Or about you stealing Brooks Elliott from his mother! Or about that rumor that he's a virgin!

Lila: Don't worry. Pippa's working on the next part of the story.

Tripp: Pretty sure I don't approve. Although, again, depending on when you're reading this interview, that next book might already be out.

Lila: You should approve of all the antics that start that book. You're the one who hates the meatball.

Tripp: I don't hate the meatball.

Lila: And I don't actually hate the ducks. If it weren't for the ducks, we might not have hooked up.

Tripp: They really were lucky ducks, weren't they?

James: Daddy! Emma got dog poop on her hands!

Nana: What's going on here? Where did the children come from?

Emma: I go potty.

Lila: You need to go, or you already went?

Emma:

Lila: I've got you, sweetie. C'mon, let's go find the potty.

Tripp:

Nana: Oh, honey, I remember those days. Really is a turn-on when someone else takes over potty duty, isn't it?

Tripp: It definitely is.

Nana: Any dirty secrets you want to tell us while she's gone?

Tripp: She doesn't have any dirty secrets, Nana.

Nana: Maybe another day?

Tripp: I'll make sure she calls you for another interview if she develops any more dirty secrets.

Nana: That's all an old lady can hope for. Can I see your penis?

Tripp: No.

Nana: It was worth trying. Thanks for a nice interview, even if you did keep your shirt on the whole time.

Tripp: Have to save something for next time.

Pippa: And that's a wrap! Thank you, everyone, for being mostly appropriate and not appalling.

Nana: Isn't inappropriate and appalling what you're known for?

Pippa: Yes, but sometimes I pretend I'm not, because it helps my mom sleep better at night.

Nana: I used to do that too, Poops. I used to do that too.