Chapter 18

18

From the emails of Tripp Wilson and Lila Valentine

From: Lila Valentine [email protected]

To: Tripp Wilson [email protected]

Subject: Today's photo shoot

Mr. Wilson,

I stepped out of a business meeting in New York this morning to the news that there was a disruption at today's photo shoot with the duck costume. Marketing isn't returning emails. Please let me know ASAP what you're doing to mitigate the damage.

Sincerely,

L. Valentine

Team Owner

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Re: Today's photo shoot

Lila,

No publicity is bad publicity. Everything's fine. Enjoy New York. You like Chinese food? There's a place just off Broadway that has the best Peking duck. Could be therapeutic for you.

Tripp

From: Lila Valentine

To: Tripp Wilson

Subject: Re: Re: Today's photo shoot

Mr. Wilson,

While I can appreciate the publicity of the entire Copper Valley Thrusters' hockey team expressing their support of the Fireballs by photobombing the unveiling of Firequacker, allowing their rabid bratwurst mascot to hump the duck does not fall under the family friendly umbrella, and we do need families to purchase tickets to the game.

We'll survive this, though. I've instructed marketing to prepare to launch the preliminary voting for the next mascot, and I'm sending the press release teasing the poll going live next month as soon as I finish this email to you.

Sincerely,

L. Valentine

Team Owner

p.s. Stop with the duck jokes. They're getting old.

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Mascot list

FLAMING MEATBALLS?

How the hell are FLAMING MEATBALLS family-friendly?

From: Lila Valentine

To: Tripp Wilson

Subject: Re: Mascot list

Mr. Wilson,

Seeing as the Thrusters use a rocket-powered bratwurst, and the Scorned's mascot is a chicken leg, I was under the assumption that meat was the theme of Copper Valley's professional sports mascots. If I was wrong, the meatballs will be eliminated before the final round, but they're staying on the semi-final list for fan voting.

By the way, I've decided the final round voting won't occur until next September. We'll give the final four mascots the entire baseball season to compete to win the hearts of our fans. I'm thinking Game of Mascots between innings, school appearances, morning show interviews, statues moved around town, etc. Marketing has my full list of ideas. You can email them directly to add your suggestions for consideration.

Unrelated: I've asked marketing to extend an invitation to the Scorned for team-building activities with the Fireballs. It's good for us to work with the women's soccer team, especially since they, too, probably could've kicked the team's ass this past season.

Sincerely,

L. Valentine

Team Owner

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Re: Re: Mascot list

I get the asteroid. That's fine. And a firefly, even if it's easy to squish a bug. And I don't understand the dynamite, but I'm willing to go with it. But what the hell is an echidna? You can't put choices that require people to look in a dictionary. And a BLOB? Does that stand for something, or are you trying to pull a Philadelphia with ambiguous furry mascots that aren't actually anything? And twin armadillos? What do ARMADILLOS have to do with baseball and FIREBALLS?

Also, the Scorned's mascot IS NOT A CHICKEN LEG. Saying that in public is not a way to make friends with the women's soccer team.

From: Lila Valentine

To: Tripp Wilson

Subject: Vacation Time

Mr. Wilson,

It's come to my attention that we never discussed paid time off. Perhaps you could use a vacation day sometime this week? Balance is important.

And the mascot semi-finalists are just for fun. No one's actually going to vote on twin armadillos. (Armadillos roll into balls when they're threatened. They're ball-shaped.) By the way, did you like the volcano idea? That was mine. I made marketing add it to the final list. The salamander too, though that suggestion came from that nice security guard at Duggan Field.

Hm. Duggan Field was named after my great-grandmother's family, since they put up half the money to buy the team in the first place. But I'm wondering if we should change that too?

Sincerely,

L. Valentine

Team Owner

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Duggan Field re-name

Lila,

I was wrong. Copper Valley's most famous resident was a man named Harry Ahs-Wanker. Pronounced Ass-Wanker. He put the first stake in the ground here and swore that the red leaves on all the maples in the fall meant he'd strike it rich mining for copper. His family still farms outside town, but they're now the Johnson-Wankers.

One of the hockey players who photobombed the duck shoot reminded me about the family. Apparently he and his girlfriend hung out with them recently. Sounds like the family would love the honor, so we might as well go all in and call it the Johnson-Wanker-Ass Stadium.

Google it if you think I'm lying.

Then tell me the residents of Copper Valley, who love Thrusty the Bratwurst, wouldn't vote to have a Johnson-Wanker-Ass Stadium. Especially if the Berger twins came out publicly in support of the idea. They said to tell you hi, by the way. I believe Zeus booked an appointment on your calendar to lobby for letting him perform karaoke between innings at the opening home game in the spring.

Don't say I don't warn you when you're walking into disaster.

Might want to stay in New York a while longer and let me handle this.

Respectfully,

T. Wilson, who's plenty happy to play this game all month long, even though he's supposed to be interviewing team managers

From: Lila Valentine

To: Tripp Wilson

Subject: Games

Mr. Wilson,

Speaking of games, I'd like to arrange an exhibition game between the Thrusters and the Fireballs. Or our staffs, as I'd prefer none of the actual athletes be injured by taking it too seriously. Please get in touch with the Thrusters' staff about when we can make that happen.

Sincerely,

L. Valentine

Team Owner who frequently has brilliant ideas, even if her president of operations fails to acknowledge it

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Re: Games

Lila,

On the advice of Zeus Berger, I've reached out to not only the Thrusters' staff, but also the staff of the Scorned (whose mascot, I repeat, is NOT an angry chicken leg) and the Johnson-Wankers for an exhibition game to be played just before spring training.

Also, I know this is just an excuse to see me in baseball pants.

Yes, I know about my baseball card on your phone.

I can send more if you'd like.

Respectfully,

Tripp, who looks even better in baseball pants than in the pants he has to borrow from his brother when he has packing mishaps

From: Lila Valentine

To: Tripp Wilson

Subject: Re: Re: Games

FINE. I'll drop renaming Duggan Field. You win. And can we quit talking about ourselves in the third person in the signature line?

I hope you didn't actually reach out to the Johnson-Wankers, because THEY ARE A TRAIN WRECK. I could've been reading a book, but instead, I just spent the last two hours on their Wikipedia page.

Their family feud HAS A WIKIPEDIA PAGE.

I should be pissed at you, but I sent the page to my acquisitions editor at Bubble Bath Books, and I've asked him to commission a paranormal family feud romance with really terrible family names.

Also, I texted Zeus. He said he recommended the nuns from the abbey by Heartwood Manor for the exhibition team. So I reached out, and they're available, but they've requested to be on the Thrusters' staff team, which seems fair. Hockey staff and nuns against the staff of the worst team in baseball and pro lady soccer players. We should be pretty evenly matched.

How's the nanny search going?

-L

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Who are you?

Lila,

I think you might've been hacked. Nothing about that last email was actually strictly professional or baseball-related.

Also, my daughter is currently singing "The Duck Song." Got any grapes? And do you remember the baby chipmunk at our first professional meeting, which I tend to actively un-remember as often as possible? It came from a family of chipmunks my son smuggled into our house. This week, he's working on a frog empire. It's November. How the hell is he finding frogs outside in NOVEMBER?

Please don't tell him I accidentally stepped on one of his new friends, because I have enough guilt over running out of vegetables to have with dinner tonight.

And the nanny search is…not good. I might be looking for the wrong thing. Please don't ask Denise about the interview I conducted at headquarters yesterday.

If you get a chance to head into Chelsea this weekend, have a cannoli for me from the bakery on 6 th . Levi disagrees, but I think it's the best.

Tripp

From: Lila Valentine

To: Tripp Wilson

Subject: Re: Who are you?

Tripp,

I prefer chocolate chip cookies to cannoli. Also, I googled that song, and now I'm pretty certain I won't be able to sleep for a week. Thanks for the earworm.

I don't know what you're looking for in a nanny, but plenty of families have working parents who use regular daycares just fine. I know you have a lot on your plate with interviewing managers and hiring vice presidents without running it past me first (yes, you're forgiven, he's a good choice), so I asked Denise to put together a small staff to get that daycare center started at headquarters.

Also, I've been meaning to tell you thank you for inviting me to that cookout.

I know you did it to convince me that you're all good people and that the team would be in good hands if I sold it to you.

It worked.

Except for the part where I'm not selling my uncle's team.

Turns out, I'm enjoying digging into what's apparently been in my blood this whole time.

Thank you for caring about them like they're your own.

Also, I've had a glass and a half of wine, and I'm soaking in a bubble bath, and that's the only reason I'll confess that I appreciate having you. In writing. I'll deny this and have you hacked to have the email erased from your hard drive permanently if you ever tell a soul.

Lila

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Re: Re: Who are you?

Kids are in bed now, so I'm sitting on my back deck, eating a steak, and wondering why the hell you were really climbing through the ceiling at the field the last time I saw you.

Not sure if you know this, but my wife died of the flu.

Almost lost Emma to it too. Logically, I know the odds are practically nil that you would've died from a dust infection in your eyes eating your brain, but logic doesn't always work when I'm stressed.

After a little time and perspective, I can acknowledge that it was pretty damn hilarious to see your leg come through that ceiling panel.

Hope your bruises are healing. Landing had to have hurt.

Tripp

From: Lila Valentine

To: Tripp Wilson

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Who are you?

How much have you had to drink to get the courage to confess that?

From: Tripp Wilson

To: Lila Valentine

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Who are you?

Not a damn drop.