16. Hutton

hutton

. . .

I hadn’t slept well since we’d gotten back from New York.

It was easy to blame my restlessness on the upcoming hearing, my nerves about public speaking, my irritation with Wade, my fears that things would not go well and not only would HFX go under, but my credibility would be shot too. Then my net worth would crumble, and I’d go down in history as the guy who single-handedly tanked the digital currency industry in a day.

It was a lot.

But there was more to it.

Beneath the surface of my anxiety was this creeping unease that somewhere I’d made a wrong turn with Felicity. I couldn’t pinpoint the moment where things had gone off-track, I just sensed that things were not okay. When I did manage to fall asleep, I had nightmares about being caught in a storm, flood waters rising all around me. I could hear Felicity’s voice but couldn’t see her.

I’d wake up sweating and shaking, unsure what it meant. Did the flood symbolize my fear of things out of my control? But things weren’t out of control. We’d mapped this out so carefully. We had a plan, and the plan made sense. We had a timeline and an exit strategy. We wouldn’t be caught by surprise.

No one was going to be rejected. Nobody would be hurt. That was the beauty of it. We’d stay friends.

Except . . . I didn’t want to make an exit.

I hadn’t gotten enough of her. I hadn’t gotten enough of the way I felt when we were together. I’d showed her more of me than I’d ever showed anyone, and she accepted me.

But I wasn’t an idiot. I knew that would change with the pressure of a real relationship, especially long-distance. The whole reason we were so good together is because it was all for fun. We were in on a secret in a way that pitted us against the world, not one against the other. If we were dating for real, she’d grow tired of my bullshit. She’d stop teasing me and making her little witch hat and start rolling her eyes, sighing heavily, and thinking I wasn’t worth the hassle. I’d been through it before.

You’re being ridiculous.

Stop being selfish.

You need to get over yourself .

She wouldn’t look at me the same way. And that was unthinkable.

But what was the alternative? Never having her in my arms again? Never kissing her? Tasting her? Never knowing the unbelievable ecstasy of moving inside her, feeling her body wrapped around mine?

Fuck that. I couldn’t give her up. Not yet.

But time was running out. It was Monday. I was leaving for D.C. on Wednesday, back on Friday. Our party was Saturday, and then we’d have two weeks at most to break up, move away from each other, and go on leading separate lives. Unless I thought of another way.

I tossed and turned as the hours passed.

Toward dawn, a solution came to me.

When I got back from my run, Felicity was still asleep. I showered and dressed, then stood at the foot of the bed, watching her for a moment. She was so damn adorable—she hugged a pillow when she slept like a kid holds a teddy bear. I envied that pillow and wished I had the time to crawl back in bed with her.

Instead, I went and kissed her cheek.

Her eyes opened, her lips curving into a smile. “Hey.”

“Hey. I’m heading to my sister’s to hang out with the kids for a while. You want to come with me? I can wait for you to get dressed.”

“I can’t.” She sat up, holding the pillow to her chest. “I’m behind on a bunch of things, and I have to work at Etoile tonight.”

“Okay.” I lingered at the side of the bed, eager to share my idea with her. “So I was thinking.”

“About what?”

“I have to be out of here by August fifteenth.”

She took a breath and nodded. “I know. It’s okay. I’ll move back home.”

“Why don’t I rent you another place?”

“Rent me another place?” She reached for her glasses and slipped them on, as if her vision might have affected her hearing.

“Well... yeah. That way you don’t have to move back in with your parents when I go back to San Francisco.”

“So you wouldn’t live in the new place? It would just be for me?”

“Right. But I’d have a place to stay when I came to visit.” I smiled. Problem solved. “You can stock the kitchen with everything you like. You can take all the things I bought for here and keep them in the new place.”

But she shook her head. “That won’t make sense, Hutton. We’re supposed to break things off after the party, remember?”

“I’ve been thinking about that too.” I took a breath. “Maybe we don’t have to break things off entirely . Maybe we just say we’ve decided not to get married, but we’re still together.”

“We’re still together, but you live in San Francisco and I live here?”

I felt a slight ache behind my right eye. “I know it’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing, right?”

She dropped her eyes to the pillow she held. “Better than nothing. Right.”

“Maybe we should talk about this later,” I said. “You’re not fully awake yet, and I kind of ambushed you with this.”

“I’m awake enough to say no.”

“Huh?”

She lifted her chin. “No. I don’t want you to rent me another place. I don’t want to be together but never together.”

“So you’d rather just break it off completely?”

“No, but?—”

“Because those are the options,” I went on, angrier than intended. Why couldn’t she see that my plan made perfect sense? What more did she want from me?

“Those are the options? Something or nothing?”

“Yes.”

She nodded slowly. “Then I guess it’s nothing.”

“Felicity, come on. We’ve talked about this.” I shifted my weight from foot to foot. “I’ve never been dishonest with you about what I can offer.”

“I know.” Her voice broke. “And I’ll be honest with you now, and say that what you have to offer isn’t enough for me. I’m sorry.”

“We agreed,” I said testily. “We agreed that it’s foolish to jump into the deep end of the pool when you can’t swim.”

“I didn’t jump, Hutton.” Her shoulders rose. “I fell.”

Her words stabbed me in the heart, but I was a pro at masking what I felt inside. “You’re asking for something I can’t give.”

“I’m not asking for anything.” She wiped her eyes beneath her glasses. “You know, I’ve spent years being terrified of this very situation. Years of being careful with my heart so I wouldn’t ever be rejected.”

“Felicity. Stop.” I couldn’t take her tears—or the fact that I’d caused them.

“I thought I was so smart,” she said. “But here I am anyway. And even though I won’t ask for what I want, I won’t settle for less than I deserve.”

What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I didn’t want her to settle for less than she deserved either, but I couldn’t deliver it. She was insisting on all or nothing, and my all would never be enough.

Rather than admit my fears, I stormed out of the bedroom. A moment later, I slammed the front door behind me.

My idea had been a good one, dammit! It allowed us to keep seeing each other without the pressure of having to make an every-day relationship work. I’d been up front about the fact that I didn’t want that. I didn’t need that. I couldn’t handle that.

I hadn’t thought she wanted that either, but clearly I’d misjudged her. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d read the signs all wrong.

I started my car and threw it in gear, tearing down the driveway too fast.

Jesus, I was as bad as Wade, trying to be someone I wasn’t.

I should have just stuck to the fucking plan.