27. Dex

dex

. . .

Friday afternoon, I pulled into the complex parking lot and noticed an unfamiliar car in Winnie’s driveway. At first, I assumed it was the real estate agent or maybe someone looking at the place, but then I saw Winnie herself come out the front door and check the mailbox.

My breath caught, and my heart hammered in my chest. My foot slammed on the gas, my tires screeching as I swerved into my driveway. I didn’t even pull into the garage, and I nearly forgot to turn off the engine as I jumped out and ran for her front porch.

Her eyes went wide as I raced up the steps, and she backed up against the door, hugging the mail to her chest. “Dex. Hi.”

“Hi.” Breathless, full of pent-up feelings for her, my entire body vibrated with the need to touch her. My hands twitched at my sides. “Did you just get in?”

“Yes.” Her eyes glanced at the strange car in her driveway. “I borrowed my mom’s car to run by and grab the mail and just, um, check on things here.”

I nodded, although I barely heard a word she said. She was so fucking beautiful. It had only been two weeks since I’d seen her, but it felt like she’d been gone for a year. How had I forgotten the midnight blue of her eyes or the gold in her hair or the way her cheeks grew pink when she looked at me?

Her thick black lashes lowered as she studied our feet. “Did you just come from the gym?”

I glanced down at my running shoes. “Yeah. I had a couple private coaching sessions.”

“How’s that going?”

“Good.” But I didn’t want to talk about that. I didn’t really want to talk about anything—I just wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her so fucking bad. Would she shove me right off this porch? Or would she kiss me back?

When she looked up at me, I nearly lost it and put my mouth on hers. Her lips fell open, and I swayed forward.

“I should go,” she said, breaking the spell. “I’ll see you Sunday.” Then she zipped past me without so much as bumping my elbow.

What the hell? Were we strangers now? How could she be so cool when I was losing my mind?

“Winnie, wait.” I jumped off the porch and chased after her, catching her arm halfway down the walk.

“What?” She pulled her arm from my grasp but turned to face me. “I—I’m running late. I have to meet Ellie.”

I struggled for words. Shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “Can I see you later tonight?”

She shook her head. “No, Dex.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m trying to move on from you. And spending time alone with you after dark won’t help.”

“But I’ve missed you.” It was torture to keep myself from embracing her. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Her eyes filled, and she blinked back tears. “But the answer is still no.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” I said angrily. “You were the one who told me not to fall in love with you. You said no love, no happily ever after, and no Frostys.”

“I know.” Her shoulders rose and her tears fell. “I wasn’t supposed to love you either, Dex. I thought I could be with you and guard my heart, but suddenly I looked and it was gone. Same old story.”

“No.” I took her by the shoulders. “I am not those other guys. You don’t get it. If I was younger, if I thought I could offer you any kind of future, I would.”

“So what exactly are you offering me right now?” She laughed bitterly. “A night? A weekend? A quickie?”

“I don’t know,” I said desperately. “I just know I can’t see you and not want to be with you. I told you I loved you, Winnie. Isn’t that enough?”

“No.” Wrenching free from my arms, she took a step back. “I want more than that. I want someone who isn’t afraid to take a chance on a future with me. I want someone who doesn’t hide behind excuses. And I want the fucking Frostys.”

I couldn’t argue with her. But I couldn’t bring myself to take the chance she was asking for either.

When I said nothing, she rushed to her mom’s car, jumped in, and took off.

Frustrated, I glared at her taillights and stood there a full two minutes after she left.

Then I stomped over to my car like an angry toddler, got in, and slammed the door. Sitting in the driver’s seat, I gripped the steering wheel with both hands and breathed hard through my nose. I felt like what I wanted was right in front of me, but I couldn’t reach it. It was like fucking Freddie Purrcury in my dream—just when I was close enough to reach him, he hopped to the next branch.

“Fucking women and cats,” I muttered, opening the garage and pulling in. “They’re impossible.”

I spent another restless night staring at my ceiling, burying my head beneath my pillow, and trying not to think about the fact just a few weeks ago, she’d been right here next to me. I missed her with an ache I hadn’t felt since losing my mom.

But I refused to pick up the phone and reach out to her. There was no point. I was never going to be that guy she described, and she wouldn’t come near me otherwise.

I just had to get through Sunday, and try to forget about her.

The following afternoon I was still sitting around my place feeling sorry for myself when I got a text from Chip.

Hey, I’m in town unexpectedly. Time for a beer?

Definitely.

Name the time and place and I’ll be there.

Let’s meet up at Southpaw Brewing Co at 5:00.

Relieved to have something to do tonight, I sent back a thumbs up and went upstairs to take a shower.

Just before five, I walked into Southpaw Brewing Co., which was owned by Tyler Shaw. In a couple hours, it would be packed, but since it was still early, I was able to find a seat at the bar. After looking over the menu, I ordered a Knuckleball Ale and a basket of wings. I’d just taken my first sip when Chip showed up, clapping me on the shoulder before dropping onto the stool next to me.

“Hey man,” he said. “Good to see you.”

“You too. How’d you end up in town?”

“Mariah and I decided to run up here and check out some possible wedding spots.” He signaled the bartender and ordered a Bandbox IPA. “We saw several today, and then April took her over to a bridal shop just for fun. Thankfully, I was excused.”

“So when’s the wedding?”

“We’re thinking early February, although we could do later that month since I won’t have to be at spring training.”

I paused with my beer halfway to my mouth. “Did you retire for real?”

He nodded and thanked the bartender who set his beer down in front of him. “I haven’t announced it yet, but I told my folks.”

“How do you feel about it?”

He took a drink from his beer. “Fucking great, actually. I’m ready for the next chapter of my life, and so’s my shoulder.”

I laughed. “I’m happy for you.”

“So how’ve you been? I heard Tyler has you doing some training at Bayside.”

“Yeah. That’s going well, actually.”

“And the kids are good?”

“Kids are good.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “They’re at Naomi’s wedding reception tonight. I’m picking them up later.”

“No shit. Naomi got remarried?”

I nodded. “To Bryce Vogel. Remember that guy?”

Chip squinted. “Red hair? Lacrosse team? His parents gave him a sailboat for graduation?”

“That’s the one.”

“Huh. Interesting.” He glanced at me. “You okay with it?”

“I’m fine.”

“How come you don’t sound fine?”

Exhaling, I took another sip of my beer. “I did something stupid.”

“What?”

“After your party, I started spending a bunch of time with Winnie, and even though we both agreed it was supposed to be casual, somehow it didn’t stay that way.”

Chip laughed, shaking his head. “Oh man, I saw this coming.”

I frowned. “Well, I didn’t. Not in time to stop it, anyway. Then she got this great job offer in fucking Rhode Island.”

“April told me about that today. So she left, huh?”

“Yes. And before she left, she told me she wanted to try to make things work with us, even if we had to do it long-distance, but I panicked and broke it off instead. Now she’s been gone for two weeks, and I’m a fucking wreck without her.”

“So tell her how you feel. Is there any chance she’d come back?”

“I don’t want her to come back! Not for me, anyway,” I said.

He gave me a strange look. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want her to make that kind of sacrifice and discover I’m not fucking worth it. I mean, we were only together for a month, maybe six weeks. That’s not enough time.” I hesitated. “Is it?”

Chip took a long swallow from his beer. “You might be asking the wrong guy here. But for what it’s worth, I knew the day I met Mariah I would marry her.”

I groaned. “What is wrong with everybody? How can you know that shit so fast?”

He laughed. “I don’t know. It was just a gut instinct.”

“My gut instincts told me to run the other way the day I met Winnie.”

“Because she’s so young?”

“Yes. She just did something to me, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to feel those things for someone, especially someone who’s twenty-fucking-two.”

“Mariah’s twenty-four,” he said. “That’s not much older.”

I took a drink and considered it. “Yeah, but we’re different. I’ve already been married and failed at it. I’ve had my kids. And I don’t have major league money.”

“Winnie isn’t the type to care about money.”

“I know she isn’t,” I grumbled. “But I just can’t wrap my head around asking her to come back here when I can’t promise her what she ultimately wants. I mean, what if she wound up regretting it?”

“What do you think she ultimately wants?”

“Eventually? To get married and have kids. But let’s say she’s not ready for that for five more years—I’m going to start another family at fucking forty ?”

Chip shrugged. “Why not? But let’s say she was ready in one or two years. Would it change your mind?”

“No.”

“Exactly. Because it’s not the age that really bothers you. It’s something else.”

Annoyed that he could read me so well, I plunked both elbows on the bar and locked my fingers behind my neck. “What if I’m bad at being in a relationship? What if I’ve always been so careful not to give away too much of myself that I don’t know how to do it? I mean, maybe all the shit Naomi said is true.”

Chip took a deep breath. “Okay, listen. I wasn’t there when you married Naomi, but I was there when you guys dated before, and it was not a good relationship. You two did nothing but piss each other off, fight, and get back together, probably because there was nothing better to do. I was shocked at the news you were getting married.”

“Yeah. It wasn’t a good idea.” I shrugged. “But Hallie and Luna were worth it.”

“How do they feel about Winnie?”

“They adore her.”

“So let me ask you this. Does this thing with Winnie feel different from what you had with Naomi?”

“Night and day,” I told him.

“Do you think maybe you could try to give away more of yourself, at least enough to make Winnie feel like you’re not going anywhere, no matter what? Because that’s the only way to get her back.”

I looked at him sideways. “That sounds scary as fuck.”

“I know. And don’t do it unless you mean it, or I’ll have to kick your ass. She’s still my little cousin.”

“I know.”

“And if it works out and we move up here, our kids can play baseball together. We can coach them. Or we can be those asshole dads on the bleachers that know everything.”

Laughing, I picked up my beer again. “If I’m ever that guy, please kick my ass.”

We hung out another hour or so, and then Chip had to leave to meet up with Mariah for dinner with his mom and stepdad. After he left, I noticed I had a text from my sister.

Hey, if you’re not busy, can you come by? I have something for you. We just ordered pizza and salad and you’re welcome to eat with us.

It wasn’t even seven and I had no plans until I was scheduled to pick up the girls at ten-thirty, so I replied that I’d swing by in about twenty. I paid my bill and headed out.

I let myself in their back door and found Bree in the kitchen. As soon as she saw me, she handed me an envelope that said Dexter on it. The handwriting was unfamiliar.

“It’s from Dad,” she said, holding up her palms like she was innocent. “I didn’t read it, I don’t know what it says, I’m not pressuring you to read it. I only said I’d give it to you, and now I have.”

I leaned back against the counter while Bree took out plates, forks, and napkins. Staring at the envelope in my hand, I grappled with conflicting emotions. “You saw him today?”

“Yes.”

“Did you take the kids?”

She nodded. “We all went.”

“How was it?”

“Okay, I guess. He can’t get out of bed anymore, so we just visited for a little bit in his room.”

“That sounds depressing.”

She shrugged. “My kids are so small, they don’t know anything. Justin said hello and went back to the living room. He mostly sat with Gloria and the kids out there while I talked to Dad.”

“What does he say?”

“He actually did more talking today. He told me about the way he grew up, his abusive father, his mother’s nervous breakdowns. It was sad, but it gave me a lot of insight into him.” She opened the fridge. “Want a beer?”

“No, thanks.”

She took one out for herself and popped the cap off. “I don’t think he has too much more time.”

“Months? Weeks?”

“I didn’t ask.” She tipped up her beer. “So tonight was the wedding, right?”

“Yeah. I have to pick up the girls from the reception in a few hours. We’re meeting Winnie in the morning at eight.”

Her eyebrows rose. “Winnie’s in town?”

I nodded. “She had a work event at Cloverleigh Farms tonight and she’s flying out tomorrow.”

“Have you seen her yet?”

“Just briefly on the porch yesterday.” I grimaced. “I didn’t handle it too well.”

She smiled. “What did you do, ask her to spend the night?”

“No,” I said, although that’s exactly what I’d had in mind. “I just asked if I could see her later, because she was in a hurry. But she said no.”

My sister shrugged. “You can’t blame her, Dex. If you want her back, you have to make it clear something has changed.”

“I know,” I said, tapping the letter against the palm of my hand. “I’m thinking about it.”

Although I didn’t have much appetite, I ate some dinner with Bree and Justin and headed home around eight.

When I got there, I stared at the envelope on the counter for a solid fifteen minutes before working up the courage to tear it open. I did it less out of curiosity for what he had to say than to prove to myself I could still do hard things.

Unfolding the typed pages, I began to read.

Dear Dexter,

I am sorry this letter isn’t written by hand, but I asked Gloria to type it for me because my writing is too shaky and I want every word to be clear.

I don’t blame you for not coming to see me. If I was in your shoes, I don’t think I would come either. In fact, I was in your shoes, years ago when my own father was dying. He didn’t ask to see me and I didn’t go. I can’t say for sure that I am sorry, but sometimes I wonder what he might have said if I’d seen him then.

I think a lot about what I would say to you if you were here. I know that I was not a good father to you, and I would tell you I was sorry. The words would not be good enough, but I’d mean them. I do mean them.

I would tell you how proud I am of you. You did everything you said you were going to do. A man is only as good as his word, and that means you are the best kind of man.

Bree tells me you are an incredible father and I believe her. I can see that she’s a wonderful mother too, just like your mother was. She used to amaze me with her patience and kindness and generous heart. I see so much of her in your sister, and I know she is in you too.

I regret that I didn’t pass on to you much of anything good. I never knew how to be a good father and now I know I was too scared of failing to try. But if there is still time to pass on one thing I have learned, it would be this:

Never let fear get in the way of being the kind of man you want to be.

When you look back, what will matter most?

Dad

At first I was mad and wanted to ball up the letter and burn it. His regrets weren’t my problem.

But once my temper was in check, I took a few deep breaths and read it through again. And again. And again. Eventually, the anger dissipated and I took a step back, looked a little deeper.

He wasn’t asking forgiveness, he wasn’t begging me to show up, he wasn’t placing any burden on me—he just wanted me to have one thing from him that wasn’t shitty, one piece of advice that might serve me.

And I had to admit, the advice was timely. I was letting fear get in the way of the kind of man I wanted to be.

But it was the question at the end that really stuck out to me.

I put my jacket back on and went out to the patio. It was chilly, but the cool air felt good in my lungs and on my face. I sat there until it was time to go get the girls, thinking about what he’d asked.

When I looked back, would it matter that I was strong enough to keep my heart in a vault? Would I be proud of that? Would I wear my loneliness like a badge of honor?

Or would I forever regret letting go of someone I loved and walking away from someone who made me happy, all because I wanted to prove I could?

Looking at it that way, I saw how wrong I was. How misguided. And I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life being iron-willed instead of happy.

I had no idea what the future would bring, but I loved Winnie enough to take a chance on us.

I loved her enough to believe there might actually be a happily ever after.

And in the morning, I’d tell her so.