23. Dex

dex

. . .

I barely slept Saturday night, and Sunday I skipped going to church. As much as I liked seeing the girls there, I didn’t even feel like I could face them after what I’d done. I was sick to my stomach every time I thought about it.

Instead, I hid out all day in my condo like a criminal—which was exactly how I felt.

I’d done something unpardonable. I’d stolen something valuable. I’d vandalized something beautiful.

And I’d lied to someone who deserved the truth.

But she knew , a stubborn voice in my head would argue. She knew from the beginning what this had to be. It doesn’t matter how I really feel. What good would it do her to hear the words?

I loved her—of course I did. But that kind of love wasn’t stable or dependable. That kind of love wasn’t a solid foundation. It felt strong, but that was an illusion. What love did was drain your strength and take away your ability to make good decisions.

And you couldn’t second-guess yourself. If I’d learned anything as a SEAL sniper, it was that I had to trust myself to make split-second decisions under the most stressful circumstances imaginable—there was no time for doubt or uncertainty. It was a matter of survival.

I’d saved us both.

There was no way she and I could have made things work, not even if she’d stayed here. She was too young. She had everything ahead of her—marriage and kids and her fucking twenties . I was so far removed from that stage of life, where anything seems possible and all your dreams are still alive. And I’d already had my children. What I needed to focus on now was raising them.

She’d been a welcome distraction, but it was over now.

It killed me to think of her hurting, just on the other side of the wall, but I stayed strong.

Someday she’d thank me.

On Monday afternoon, I went to the gym for a few coaching sessions, during which I barked at the guys more than necessary and made them work five times as hard. Usually, they thanked me after training, or stuck around and talked with me a little, but today every single one of them took off as soon as we were done.

Not that I blamed them.

On the way home, I thought about stopping at Justin and Bree’s, but I hadn’t spoken to either of them since Saturday night and didn’t feel like rehashing the breakup. It was too raw.

I knew I owed my sister an apology for yelling at her, and I’d give it, but I wasn’t ready yet. If she started coming at me with all that shit about being afraid to love someone, I’d lose it again.

When I got home, I showered and made myself some dinner, but I had no appetite. Stretching out on the couch, I tried to get Freddie Purrcury to sit with me while I watched TV, but he refused.

“What did I ever do to you?” I said as he presented me with his ass and put his tail in the air before walking away.

I looked at my cell phone on the coffee table, tempted for the millionth time to call Winnie and ask her how she was feeling. Did she hate me? Would she leave town without speaking to me again? The thought made my heart sink like a stone.

Maybe I could just send her a quick text. Just check in—as a friend. Make sure she was okay.

But the words got stuck between my mind and my fingers, and I couldn’t do it.

Instead, I called the girls to say goodnight. Luna was still in the shower, so I chatted with Hallie for a few minutes. “Are you writing any new stories?” I asked her.

“I’m still working on the one about the ogre and the princess.”

“Oh.” My heart lurched. “So tell me what’s happening.”

“Well, the princess was very brave and went to seek out the ogre in the forest. She finds his cave.”

“How did she know where to look?”

“She followed the sound of his snoring.”

I almost smiled. “Go on.”

“So she calls out to him, and he’s extra grumpy because she woke him up, but he listens to her story about her cat Tigger running up the tree.”

“Does he agree to help?”

“No.”

“Why not?” I frowned, annoyed that even in ogre form I was a jerk.

“Because the ogre has a secret he doesn’t want her to know.”

“And what’s that?”

“He’s afraid of heights.”

“The ogre is afraid of heights?”

“Yes. So he won’t go up the tree to save the cat, but he can’t tell her the real reason, so he just sort of grunts at her and tells her to leave him alone.”

“Does he at least feel bad about it?”

“Yes, because he can hear her crying as she runs back home through the forest. But not bad enough to overcome his fear of heights. He’s a very stubborn ogre.”

“Clearly.” I got off the couch and wandered over to the sliding door. Pulling it open, I stepped onto the patio, feeling like I could use some fresh air. “So then what happens? Does the cat die? Or does the ogre get over himself and help the princess?”

“I don’t know yet. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.”

I glanced over at Winnie’s patio and thought about kissing her the night we’d met. I’d been so drawn to her—I still was. Now I’d never feel those lips on mine again. “Well, let me know how it ends.”

“I will. Can I talk to Freddie Purrcury?”

I frowned. “No.”

“Why not?”

“He’s being rude.”

“What did he do?”

“He’s ignoring me.”

She laughed. “He only likes it when we’re there. Want to talk to Luna?”

“Yes. I love you. Goodnight.”

“I love you too, Daddy. Night.”

Luna came on a few seconds later. “Daddy?”

“Yeah?”

“Winnie’s not gone yet, is she?”

I swallowed hard. “I don’t think so.”

“Okay good, because we want to give her a going-away gift. We saw something purr fect at the store,” she said with a giggle. “Will you take us to get it?”

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes, the ache of missing her already deep in my bones. “It will have to be Wednesday when I get you. I’m pretty sure she leaves the next day.”

“Okay.”

We chatted for a few more minutes, then said goodnight. I stayed outside for a little while, watching it grow darker.

If I hadn’t broken things off, Winnie and I would probably be together right now. Maybe I’d be helping her pack. Maybe we’d be eating dinner at my place. Maybe we’d be in bed, taking advantage of every last minute we had before she left.

My body warmed thinking about it, and I was tempted to go knock on her door. Apologize. Tell her the truth. Make her understand that I’d only lied to protect her—because that’s what I did when I loved someone. I protected them.

But in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, and I went back inside alone.

Justin and I arrived at work Tuesday at the same time and parked next to each other. As soon as we got out of our cars, I held up my hands in surrender. “I know, I know. I’ll apologize to Bree.”

He nodded. “Good.”

“Does she hate me?”

“No. She feels bad. She thinks she said things that pissed you off so much, you’ll never speak to her again.”

“She did piss me off. But only because she knows how to push my buttons.”

“Sisters are good at that.” We started walking toward the station. “So what happened with Winnie?”

“We broke it off.”

“Mutual decision?”

I frowned. “Not exactly. She had it in her head that we could try long-distance or something.”

“And you really don’t want to?”

“No, Justin! I’m not her fucking high-school boyfriend. She’s not going away to college—she’s moving to another state. She took a job there.”

“Maybe she didn’t know you wanted her to stay.”

“There was no way I could’ve asked her to stay.”

“Why not?” Justin asked as we reached the building. “I told Bree I was going to marry her on our second date.”

“You guys are different.” I paused at the door without opening it, staring at my reflection in the glass. “It wouldn’t have worked for us. She’s too young for me. We’re at completely different stages of life. I’ve already done the marriage and family thing, and I fucked it up. Now I’m trying to be the best possible single dad I can be, and I’ve got no room in my life for anything else.”

“Okay.”

“Asking her to give up her dream job just to be with me when I can’t offer her the future she wants would have been unfair.”

“Okay.”

“It’s not because I’m scared.”

He hesitated. “Okay.”

“No matter what my sister says. It’s not because I’m scared. It’s because I’m strong.”

My brother-in-law remained silent.

I kept staring at myself in the glass. “I’m not in love with her. I don’t need her in my life. I’ll be fine without her.” I swallowed. “Eventually.”

“Okay, brother.” Justin put a hand on my shoulder. “Maybe you should go inside and scrub some toilets or something. It’ll take your mind off this.”

I grabbed the door handle and yanked it open.

Hallie grabbed the coffee mug off the shelf at the gift shop and held it up. “See Daddy? Isn’t it cute?”

It was cute. It had a cartoon of a cat with a thick Freddie Mercury mustache on it, wearing tight pants and a yellow jacket, one paw in the air, one holding a mic stand. Beneath the drawing it said Don’t stop meow . But I couldn’t even smile. “Yeah.”

“It’s so that she won’t forget us,” said Luna excitedly, bouncing around and knocking into things on the shelves. “Every day she can use her mug and think of us.”

I cleared my throat. “She’ll love it. Come on, before you break something.”

We paid for the mug and left the shop, wandering down the block toward the car. My feet felt heavy and slow as I dragged them through the fallen leaves on the sidewalk. A small moving truck had been parked in Winnie’s driveway all morning, and I’d been fucking miserable watching all her furniture disappear inside it.

“Can we bring it over to her when we get home, Daddy?” Luna asked, scuffing her heels through the crunchy brown and yellow leaves.

“If she’s there.”

“I hope she is!” Hallie hurried ahead to the car and tugged at the door handle. “Let’s hurry.”

When we pulled into the complex, we saw that Winnie’s garage door was open, and she was loading a suitcase into her trunk.

At the sight of her, my heart caromed in my chest and I nearly side-swiped another vehicle—I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She wore jeans and a fuzzy white sweater that looked soft and cozy. Her hair was tucked into a nest on the top of her head. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her close, bury my face in her neck and beg her not to go. Tearing my eyes away, I pulled into our garage and turned off the car. Took a deep breath.

“Can we give it to her now, Daddy?” Hallie was already unbuckling her seatbelt.

“I guess so.” Steeling myself, I helped Luna out of the car. They grabbed the gift shop bag and went racing out of the garage.

Slowly, I collected their backpacks from the back seat, stuck them inside the back hallway, and made my way out of the garage. As I walked across to Winnie’s driveway, I could hear a delighted squeal of surprise—Winnie’s—and childish laughter.

“Oh my goodness, I love it!” Winnie’s entire face was lit up as she looked at the mug. “Thank you so much.”

I watched as she gave them each a hug, feeling jealous and hating myself for it. She noticed me approaching over Hallie’s shoulder, and her face changed immediately, the smile fading into nothing.

“Hey, Dex,” she said coolly, placing the mug back in the bag.

“Hey, Win.” I stuck my hands in my pockets. “You like your gift?”

“I love it.” She looked at the girls before smiling again and holding the bag to her chest. “I promise to use it every day. And I’m so happy you came by, because I have something for you too.”

Hallie and Luna exchanged an excited glance. “You do?”

“Yes. Want to come inside?”

They looked at me. “Can we, Daddy?” Hallie asked.

“Sure. I can wait out here.”

Winnie met my eyes, hers carefully neutral. “You can come in too.” She shrugged. “If you want.”

Her icy demeanor was making me angry—I wanted to take her by the shoulders and kiss her until she loved me again—but I nodded and followed them through the garage into her condo.

The place was almost completely empty.

“Your stuff is all gone!” Luna said.

“Yeah, the moving guys were here this morning and got it all loaded up.” Winnie sounded a little wistful.

“But where’s Piglet?” Hallie sounded worried.

“She’s here.” Winnie smiled. “She’s been hiding out in the pantry all day because of all the commotion. You know how she is with strangers.”

“But we’re not strangers,” Luna said adamantly. “We’re friends.”

“Maybe she’ll come out if you ask her.”

Luna went over to the pantry and got down on her knees, while Hallie continued to look around. “Is your bed still here?”

“Nope. My bed is on its way to Rhode Island.” She smiled ruefully. “I have to sleep at my parents’ house tonight.”

“You could sleep at our house,” Hallie offered. “Daddy can sleep on the couch. You might not even hear him snoring down there.”

Winnie and I exchanged a glance—did I imagine the flicker of warmth?

“Thanks,” Winnie said, “but I’ll be good in my old room. Since it’s my last night here, my family wants to be with me.”

I wanted to be with her on her last night here—I wanted it so badly I had to press my tongue to the roof of my mouth or I was going to say it aloud.

Luna came out of the pantry holding Piglet. “She let me pick her up,” she said softly.

“Good job.” Winnie smiled at Luna. “She knows you now.”

“Do you think she’ll miss us?”

“Definitely. So you better be sure to email me, okay? I’ll read your messages out loud to her. And send pictures too, so I can show her.” Winnie went over to the counter and picked up two little white plastic bags. “Here. I have something for each of you.”

Hallie went rushing over, and Winnie handed her one of the bags. After Luna gently set Piglet on her feet, she eagerly reached for the other.

“Oooooh!” Hallie pulled bright blue nail polish from the bag along with a pair of fluffy lavender socks and a little notebook with a cat on the cover. “Thank you!”

“For when you want to show off your toes and when you want to be cozy,” Winnie said with a smile. “And for writing your stories.”

Luna stuck her hand in her bag and pulled out cotton candy pink polish, fluffy white socks, and a box of princess Band-Aids. “Thank you! Now I don’t have to wear Daddy’s boring brown ones.”

“And if you run out,” Winnie said, “just let me know. I’ll send you another box.”

Luna threw her arms around Winnie’s waist and Hallie followed suit. Knocked off balance, Winnie laughed and embraced them. I stood ten feet away with my arms folded over my chest feeling sorry for myself.

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Hallie said.

“Me too,” added Luna. “Are you sure you have to?”

Winnie’s eyes closed a moment. “I’m sure.”

“But don’t forget us, okay?”

“I won’t.” Releasing them, Winnie took a breath. “I should probably get going. I have to drop Piglet off at my mom’s house, and then I’m meeting a friend for dinner.”

“Come on, girls.” I gestured for them to go out the door to Winnie’s garage. “Go on back to our place. I want to talk to Winnie a moment.”

Thankfully, they didn’t argue. Chattering about their new nail polish, they went outside, pulling the door shut behind them.

She stood across the kitchen from me, legs together, her arms wrapped around herself, hands lost inside the big sleeves of her sweater. That carefully cool expression was gone, replaced by eyes that glistened with tears and a trembling lower lip. My gut instinct was to embrace her, and I took a step forward.

She put out one hand. “Don’t. Please. There’s nothing you can say at this point that won’t hurt, and I’m already thirty seconds away from a really embarrassing ugly cry.”

“God, Winnie.” Defeated, because she was right—there wasn’t anything I could say that wouldn’t hurt—I stood there with my chest caving in. “This sucks. I don’t want to leave it this way between us.”

“I don’t either, but I can’t help the way I feel, just like you can’t help the way you don’t .”

“But what if—what if it’s not just about the way we feel ?” Desperate, I took another step closer to her. “What if it’s just that the things we want are too different?”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”

“You’re so young, Winnie. You’re so young and so beautiful, and you have so much of your life in front of you. You want all these things, and you deserve them all, including your dream job and someone who can devote himself completely to you.” Closing the gap between us, I cradled her face in my hands, my eyes burning. “And as much as I might wish I could be that guy, I can’t. No matter how I feel, I can’t.”

“You won’t .” Tears clung to her lashes.

Swallowing hard, I shook my head.

She pushed my arms down. “Then what are you doing here?”

“I don’t know.” I closed my eyes. “I guess I was hoping we could at least say goodbye as friends.”

A solitary tear slipped down her cheek, and she didn’t wipe it away. “I need more time before I can be your friend.”

I nodded, understanding.

“Take care of yourself, Dex.”

“You too.” My voice was barely a whisper. Forcing myself to walk away, I went to the door and hesitated, my back to her. I swallowed hard. “I lied to you.”

“What?”

“I lied to you when you asked me how I felt. I said I didn’t love you.”

I heard her quick inhale, and that was it.

I pushed the door open and walked out.