Chapter 67

67

Mira

“You took his life?” I stare.

"I thought I had but I managed to stop in time," he swallows. "The kidnappers… They made Baron and me touch each other, and bugger each other, and… I hurt my best friend." He squeezes the bridge of his nose. "And to find the man responsible for everything that happened was in my church, confessing his sins and asking me for forgiveness, felt like a cruel twist of fate.” He lowers his hand and meets my gaze. “I couldn’t control the anger and the hate inside me from pouring out." He curls his fingers into fists, "I thought I wouldn’t be able to spare his life.”

"But you did."

An expression of anguish twists his features. “I was a priest. What I did went against everything I believed in. Everything I had spent my life in pursuit of, until that point.”

"What you are is human." And what I should be is more shocked. I should leave. After all, I’m standing in the presence of someone who almost killed another person. Someone whose life was changed forever, through no fault of his own. Someone who was forced to do the most reprehensible things, which scarred him forever. Someone who’s coming clean and sharing his deepest secrets with me. It's not easy for him to do so and yet, he's doing it anyway. If I were in his place, would I have done the same thing? I’ll never know.

What I do know is, this is Eddie, my husband, and I don’t hate him. Far from it, I’m finally beginning to grasp the motivations behind what he does. Why he’s so aloof. Why he’s put up so many walls between himself and the world. Why, he's so paranoid about my safety. Everything he’s been through has taken his trust in the world and forced him to be ever-alert to the dangers around him. Finally, I understand him better. I get why he's so protective of me and fears for my safety. I square my shoulders.

“You did the right thing.”

His gaze widens.

“I can’t even fathom how you went through everything you did and are still a functioning member of society. If what you did helped you find some peace then, so be it.”

“Belle,” he whispers.

“Are you surprised I’m not freaking out more?” I half smile.

“A little.” He lowers his chin.

“How can I be upset when, clearly, that man was responsible for the trauma that you and your friends had to deal with?”

He shakes his head, and his features take on a tortured look, “And I was supposed to teach and uphold the sacraments of my faith. I was supposed to help individuals navigate moral and ethical dilemmas. I was meant to counsel and support my flock and help them overcome sins and make amends. Instead, I committed the most heinous sin of all. Worse, I’m not sorry about what I did.”

His shoulders shudder. All the color leaches from his face. A tear squeezes out from the corner of his eye, and I swear, I can see the child he used to be peeking out from behind his watery eyes.

I can’t stop myself from throwing my arms about him. "Oh Eddie, I am so sorry for what you went through."

Another shudder rocks his big frame. His arms are tucked into his sides. He seems to be curling into himself, trying to make himself smaller and occupy less space. It’s a contrast to the tall, broad, confident man who always knows what he wants and doesn’t hesitate to go after what he sets his mind on, and… A part of me has always known it was a front. I’ve known he was hiding something inside, something that changed his life and impacted him in ways that not even years of therapy can undo, but this… What he’s telling me is not something I could have imagined he went through. I knew it would be awful, whatever it was he was going to tell me—because I always hoped he would eventually tell me. But this…terrible secret of his… It’s so much worse than I could have ever imagined.

I pull his head into the curve of my shoulder and hold him tightly. He feels cold, and distant, and yet, the little shiver that grips him gives away just how much he’s suffering. "It’s okay to hold me," I whisper.

He stiffens, and every muscle in his body seems to turn to stone. Then, he releases a breath. His body slumps a little, and he wraps an arm about my waist. I turn my face into his neck and take a long breath of Ed into my lungs. That spicy woodsmoke, the tang of electricity which ripples over my skin… All of it is so familiar, so very dear to me. "Oh, Eddie." I sniffle. "I wish you hadn’t had to go through that."

"Me too." His hold tightens. "I really am so sorry for how I hurt you. I’m sorry I switched out your oral contraceptives."

"Why did you do that?"

"Because—" he swallows. "Because I was sure once you found out how I'm tainted?—"

"You’re not." I lean back in the circle of his arms. "You’re not, Eddie. You came through the challenges thrown at you. You picked yourself up again and again. You moved on. You didn’t give up."

"I don’t deserve your beauty, your generosity, your love." He looks between my eyes. "I don’t deserve you."

"That you don’t," I murmur with a little smile teasing my lips.

That divot makes an appearance at the edge of his mouth. "But I want you. I want you so much, Belle. I love you, like I’ve never loved anyone else before. And at the risk of you hating me, can I say, I don’t regret having eyes on you before you knew who I was."

"Ed!" I slap at his chest. "Take that back."

"I apologize, again, for infringing on your life without your permission"—he looks away, then back at me—"but it’s because I knew you were there that I could carry on. It’s because I knew there was a goddess who makes this world a better place that I could continue living. You gave me hope, Belle. You made me realize there was more to life than just the existence I was eking out. You gave me something to look forward to. Something to anticipate, something to aspire to. I knew then, if you were connected to me in some form, if I had you in my life, if I could have your love, in any small way, if—" He slides down to his knees and takes my hands in his. "I can’t live without you Belle. And I’ll do anything to make you happy. I’ll do anything to make up for the grief I caused you. You mean everything to me, and I know my methods of showing it so far have been unorthodox?—"

"—to say the least."

"Please give me a chance. One chance. That’s all I’m asking. Let me show you I can be the kind of man you’ll be proud to call a husband."

I’m already proud to call you a husband.

"Let me show you how good it can be between us, Belle."

"I already know how good it can be, but… You broke my trust, Ed. How do I know you won’t do that again?"

"I won’t." He brings my hands to his mouth and kisses the edges of my fingers. "I can’t. Not when I know how close I came to blowing it all. You’re my life, my breath, my heart, my everything. What can I do to make you believe that?"

"I’m not sure."

He peers into my features, then nods. "I deserve that." He sits back in his chair, still holding my hands in his. "I’ll be here for you, Belle. Always."

"I know that. I also know you’re a good man at heart. Which is why this is so difficult for me."

"Take your time." He half smiles.

"Thank you," I whisper.

He brings my fingers to his lips and kisses them again. Then he turns and pushes a paper bag in my direction.

"What’s that?"

"Pregnancy tests."

"Oh," I swallow.

"I had them delivered, along with your prescription."

I make no move to touch the sack.

"It’s best we find out for sure," he coaxes me.

I gulp. He’s right, of course. But oh, my god, this is what I’ve always wanted, and if I’m not pregnant, what then? And what if I am? How does that change everything?

"It’s okay; I’m here." He pushes the hair from my cheek. "Whatever the result, whatever you decide, I’m here for you."

"Okay." I rise to my feet, then snatch the bag and walk toward the bathroom at the end of the corridor. When I step in, he follows. "No." I turn to him. "Please. I need to do this on my own."

He looks like he’s about to refuse, then steps back. I shut the door, lock it, then walk toward the counter and pull out the pregnancy tests. The blood drains from my face. I manage to pull out one of the pee-sticks, then place it on the counter. I look at the mirror and splash some water on my face. I can do this. I can. I pull down my yoga-pants, perch on the pot and pee on the stick. Then, I place it on tissue paper, clean myself up, flush, straighten my clothes, and walk back and forth on the bathroom floor.

"You okay?" Ed knocks on the door.

"Yes, just, ah… Waiting for the results." I wash my hands again, dry them, then sneak a look at the test. "No," I whisper. "No, no, no."