Chapter 30

30

Edward

Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Didn’t mean to blurt that out. And since when do things slip past my control? Since when do I ensure there’s an entire wardrobe change for a woman in the closet in my office? Since I met her. Since I got married to her. Since I feel this responsibility for her. This deep tenderness and need for her. This desire to make love to her. This compulsion to dominate her. To ensure she is always high from the pleasure only I can bring her. To mark her flesh and dig my teeth into the curve of her shoulder, to look into her eyes as I bury myself inside of her. To teach her who she belongs to. For she is mine. My wife. My life. My love. Fuck… I can’t have fallen for her in such little time.

I wanted to keep her at arm’s length. Instead, I can’t stop myself from holding her in them. Close to me. Against my chest where I can smell her, feel her softness against me, assure myself she’s safe and cared for. My pulse rate accelerates further. A bead of sweat trails down my spine. I can’t let myself feel so much for her. I will not break my vow. My self-control is the only thing I have left, and I will not willingly relinquish it.

Some of my thoughts must show on my features—another first—for she cups my cheek. "Eddie, what’s wrong?"

I want to tell her. I want to tell her why I can’t be a better husband to her. Why I can’t give her what she wants. Why I’ll never be the man she deserves. Why I will not break the vow I made to myself. Why I’ll never demand she submit to me, though every inch of me craves to feel her come apart, bit by bit, around my cock. I want to see her shudder as I bring her to the edge. I want to play her body like it’s an instrument made for my pleasure. I want to do the most degrading, filthy things to her and watch her fight back before the inevitable capitulation.

She holds the power to destroy me; a power she’s snatched from me without trying. She's more dangerous than the incident that changed me. Bit by bit, she's peeling back my layers, and revealing the man I’d hoped to become. I want to be everything for her…but can’t. I can’t.

"I can’t."

"What?" She frowns.

"I can’t do this."

"Do what?"

"This—you, me… It’s not worth it."

She swallows. "I… I’m not sure what you mean."

I begin to lower her to the ground, but she throws her arms about my neck and clings. "Eddie, please talk to me. Don’t shut down."

When I don’t respond, she bites her lower lip, and of course, my dick instantly stabs against the restraint of my pants. Everything about her is designed to tempt me, to allure me and seduce me. I thought I could control myself around her— Ha, the joke’s on me.

I thought I could resist her. Instead, I’m falling for her. I need to put distance between us again. I need to ensure there’s no opportunity for me to be enticed by her.

Once again, she must read something in my gaze, for alarm flits across her features. She scrambles up, and pulling her skirt up further, she straddles me. "Eddie, no, don’t do this." She pushes into me, so her breasts are flattened against my chest. Those hard nipples of hers dig into my jacket, and despite the layers between us, I can feel their outline against my chest, can sense the beating of her heart like it’s my own. Can intuit the confusion that grips her, the appeal, the craving, the concern in her eyes. And that’s my undoing.

"I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you."

"Why do you say that? Why do you beat yourself up so? The little time I’ve spent with you has shown me you’re not the persona you project to the world. You’re not hard, or emotionless; quite the contrary. You feel so much." She slips a hand under my jacket, and my heart thuds against her palm. "You’re real, and vital, and alive, and there’s so much inside of you. You have so much to share with the world. You care deeply, Edward—too deeply—and that’s the problem."

My pulse rate surges, and my stomach goes into a spiral, "I have no idea what you’re talking about."

"Yes, you do. You feel everything. You see everything. You’re so instinctive, so intuitive, so sensitive. You know exactly how I feel, which is why you stopped yourself earlier."

"I fucked you once… Without coming inside you, I might add. And only so when I tell my grandfather the deed is done, I’m not lying. And you think you know me?"

She winces, and of course, my heart stutters, but I push aside the pain.

"You’re my husband."

I shrug. "We’ve been married for a little over a week."

"You don’t have to spend time with someone to know them. I mean, you do"—she shakes her head—"but I trust my instincts, and they say you’re not as mean or as ruthless as you make yourself out to be."

"Your instincts are wrong this time."

"I don’t believe you. If I were wrong, you’d have fucked my ass, like you intended to, but you stopped yourself."

I stiffen. "Don’t second guess me."

"Isn’t that right? You wanted to do it, but you knew it would hurt. You knew I wasn’t ready, so you stopped. Instead, you gave me pleasure—so much pleasure. You’re a giver, Edward. But you think it’s a weakness. So, you try to hide it behind all that bluster."

I yawn.

"Don’t do that." She firms her lips.

"Do what?"

"Pretend you don’t care, when the way your heart is racing, the way your eyes have turned bleak, the way the muscles of your shoulders bunch and your chest-planes tense, tell me the opposite."

Fucking hell, how does this woman see past the barriers I've erected against the world? How does she see into my soul every single time? How does she read me so clearly, when no one else has in the past? How can she, with a few words, destroy the remnants of my control?

"I don’t know how much more plainly to tell you this, but I. Don’t. Care."

She sets her jaw. "You’re lying."

"I never lie." And I did. For the very first time in my life, I lied. I. Fucking. Lied. Something inside me splinters—the last bastion that has held back my shadow self, the partition I laid down to ensure the darkness inside me never peeked out. The last time I gave in to the darkness inside, I lost everything. And this time… This time, I’m going to lose her.

I squeeze her hips with enough force that she gasps. Whatever she sees in my face makes her gulp. "E-Eddie… You’re scaring me."

"Good."

"I… I think… I need to leave." She tries to slip off, and I laugh.

Her gaze widens, and her blue eyes deepen until they're sheets of the deepest aquamarine. "You… You laughed? I’ve never seen you laugh. It should be reassuring but, it…it’s not."

"Glad you’re smarter than you look."

"That’s not fair. You’re saying that to hurt me."

"I haven’t even started, baby."

She swallows. "You won’t do it, Edward. I know you’re not as heartless as you portray yourself."

"This heart might beat"—I slap one hand over hers, which is still inside my jacket—"but it’s not capable of loving anyone."

Her features crumple, then she gets a hold of herself. "I know you don’t mean it. I know you, Edward. I’ve seen you with Tiny?—"

"A mutt?—"

"The way a person treats a pet says everything about them. Everything. And you"—she searches my features—"you are all heart."

"What I am, is so hard that I can no longer wait to have your virgin arse."