Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

K ira was warm and soft and a little bit drunk with her head in his lap. She seemed to be humming some combination of ‘Jingle Bells’ and ‘Deck the Halls’ as he ran his fingers through her hair. The ends crackled with static, the silky strands clinging to his sweater. He didn’t relish the idea of going into the cold, dark night to get home.

Kira smiled up at him and his heart lurched with the knowledge that his time with her was ticking away, along with the last few days of the year. He’d almost forgotten about that over the course of the day as they’d all talked and ate and drank. The house had been full of friends and family coming and going, of way too much food and way too many sweets. It had been a good distraction.

‘So, when do you head back home?’ Annie asked him now that the house had nearly emptied out again. It was just him and Kira and Jeanie and her closest friends sprawled out on the floor and draped over chairs, full and sleepy. He wondered how many of them would just crash here tonight. He was pretty sure Noah was already snoring from his position laid out in front of the fire.

‘New Year’s Day.’

Kira wasn’t looking at him anymore; her smile had slipped.

‘It’s too bad,’ Annie said, her chin propped on her arms on the coffee table. Bennett could barely see her past the empty wine glasses. ‘You fit in so well here.’

‘Yeah, Benny. You fit in so well here,’ Jeanie repeated, from her perch on Logan’s lap in the chair by the fire.

He winced. ‘I told you, Jean Marie ,’ he emphasized her full name as payback for calling him Benny and she stuck her tongue out at him, ‘I can’t just uproot my life and move here.’

‘I did it,’ Noah piped in, apparently awake again. ‘I highly recommend it.’

Hazel grinned at him from her end of the couch. Kira was now stretched out between them, her cozy-socked feet laid in Hazel’s lap. She was the one who fit in so well here and he was happy for her. He’d much rather think of her here amongst friends than by herself in that cold house.

‘It’s definitely worked out nicely,’ Hazel said and Annie groaned.

‘Gross.’

Hazel laughed. ‘Isn’t it time for Secret Santa?’

‘Yes!’ Jeanie shot up from her seat. ‘I almost forgot!’

Bennett breathed out a sigh of relief at the topic change. He really didn’t need all of Jeanie’s friends joining the quest to get him to stay in town. Frankly, the woman whose head was in his lap was reason enough.

‘I didn’t bring a gift,’ Kira hissed at him. ‘I didn’t know!’

‘Don’t worry about it. Jeanie handed the names out weeks ago.’ His sister was excited to bring their old family tradition to her friends, but Kira hadn’t exactly been in the mix at that point.

She still had a little worried frown on her face as she sat up. Bennett patted her knee and leaned in to whisper in her ear. ‘You can help me guess.’

She gave him a relieved smile as Jeanie passed out the gifts.

‘Annie, you go first,’ she said, laying a sparkly red gift bag in her lap.

Annie waggled her eyebrows and pulled the tissue paper from the bag with a flourish. She peered inside and frowned.

‘I know who it’s from,’ she said.

‘Show us what it is first!’ Jeanie said, and Bennett bit down on a laugh. His sister was always a stickler for the Secret Santa rules. She’d had a fit the year he switched the name he pulled with his cousin, Jesse.

‘It is a roadside-safety emergency kit,’ she said, pulling the package from the bag. ‘It includes: flashlight, window breaker, and a first-aid kit,’ she read from the description on the side of the box.

‘Very practical,’ Jeanie said, even as Annie scowled at the gift. ‘And who do you think gave it to you?’

‘Well, since he’s given me one every year for the past five, it was obviously Logan.’

‘And if you actually kept them in your car instead of throwing them in that bottomless pit of a hall closet, I would stop getting them for you,’ Logan said, arms crossed over his flanneled chest.

Kira giggled next to him, and Bennett savored the sound.

‘Okay, that means, Logan, you open next.’ Jeanie laid a small perfectly wrapped box on his lap and Bennett immediately knew the giver. But he kept his mouth shut so Jeanie wouldn’t murder him.

Logan unwrapped the box. He opened it and the frown on his face immediately melted.

‘Is this…’ He stopped, cleared his throat. ‘Jeanie, is this…?’ He looked up with tears in his eyes and Bennett couldn’t imagine what his sister had put in that little box to make that man cry.

‘Look on the inside.’ She was kneeling next to him now as Logan pulled out the two rings that were in the box.

‘What is it?’ Hazel asked quietly as Logan turned the rings between his fingers.

He cleared his throat again. ‘Wedding bands. Jeanie had them engraved with our initials.’

Jeanie wiped the tears that had traced down her cheeks with the back of her hand. ‘Do you like them?’

He just nodded, clearly still unable to speak.

‘I know we haven’t even picked a date yet, but I wanted to get you something special and you surprised me with the engagement ring, so I thought I would surprise you, and––’

‘They’re perfect,’ Logan said gruffly, cutting her off and tugging her into his lap before she could ramble on further.

‘Oh, good.’ Jeanie squeaked as Logan buried his face in her neck like he had forgotten they were in a room filled with their friends.

‘Okay, that’s enough you two. Jeanie, you have to open next!’ Annie said, interrupting their cuddling, saving Bennett the pain of seeing his sister make out with her fiancé. He knew he liked Annie for a reason. ‘Here.’ She tossed the gift to Jeanie.

Jeanie tore off the wrapping paper and pulled out a giant fluffy scarf.

‘Ooh,’ Kira cooed. ‘Looks cozy.’

‘Annie, is this from you?’ Jeanie asked, but Annie shook her head.

‘Must be Hazel, then.’

Hazel smiled. ‘I hope you like it.’

‘I love it,’ Jeanie said, already wrapping it around her neck. ‘Okay, Haze, you open next.’

Hazel tore into her gift and Bennett held his breath. He didn’t know much about Jeanie’s friends, but his sister had mentioned that Hazel loved plants.

She grinned as she pulled out the little planter that looked like a person on a swing. ‘How cute!’

‘Jeanie said you were running out of space, but that one you can hang in the window.’ He shrugged. ‘Thought you might like it.’

‘I love it,’ Hazel beamed. ‘Thank you.’

‘Good job,’ Kira whispered, and he wanted to lean into her words and the softness of her body next to him, but it was his turn to open.

The package was wrapped in random birthday wrapping paper. He raised an eyebrow but the group was giving nothing away. He opened it and found a Hawaiian shirt inside.

‘Uh … wow…’ He unfolded the shirt and that’s when he saw that between the garish flowers were pictures of his dogs’ faces. He burst out laughing.

‘Does everyone wear their pets on their clothes around here?’ Kira asked.

‘Only the cool kids,’ Noah said with a grin, giving himself away.

‘Well, thanks, Noah.’

‘Oh, man you got me!’

Bennett laughed again. ‘It’s a cool shirt, thanks, man.’

Noah beamed. ‘You’re welcome. Okay, where’s my gift?’

Jeanie handed Noah a gift bag covered in pictures of fish. ‘Cool bag,’ he said, holding it up before digging around inside.

He pulled out four bars of soap and laid them out on the carpet in front of him.

‘Wood Barrel Bourbon, Pine Tar, Alpine Sage, Bay Rum.’ He read off the scents one by one. ‘Wow, I’m going to be smelling very masculine. Who would have gotten me such a thoughtful gift?’ He looked around the room as though there wasn’t only one person left.

Annie threw a pillow at his head. ‘It was me. Gotta keep that fish stink away.’

Noah laughed and threw the pillow back. ‘Thanks, Annie. Very thoughtful.’

She winked at him.

‘That was a great first Secret Santa,’ Jeanie said with a smile. ‘And maybe next year we can add even more friends.’ She looked pointedly in Kira’s direction, but didn’t push it.

‘Very fun, Jeanie. Thanks for planning it,’ Hazel said. ‘But we should probably get going.’

‘But I’m so comfy!’ Noah protested as Hazel got up and walked over to him. He’d already laid back down in front of the fire after opening his gift. She took his hands and tugged him up.

‘It’s comfier in bed. Come on.’

Annie stood too, yawning. ‘I guess I’ll go too.’

‘Who’s driving?’ Jeanie asked.

‘Already called an Uber,’ Annie assured her with a hug.

‘I stopped drinking hours ago,’ Bennett said, pulling Kira up from the couch. She looked sleepy and grumpy and he wanted to carry her out to the car, but he’d never hear the end of that, so instead he led her to the door by her hand.

Coats and scarves and hats were donned as they wished each other Merry Christmas for the thousandth time that day, and they stumbled out onto the porch, the freezing night air shocking them into an unwelcome alertness.

‘Bye, Bennett, Bye, Kira!’ Hazel called as they made their way to the hired car.

‘Goodnight!’ Annie waved over her shoulder and Kira waved back.

‘Night!’

* * *

Bennett’s rental car was freezing cold when they got in and he really wished he’d thought to warm it up first. Kira sat with her shoulders hunched so high, her head had nearly disappeared inside her coat.

‘Should be warmer in a minute,’ he muttered, cranking the dials too high.

‘Okay.’ Her voice was quiet, small.

‘Did you have a good time?’ he asked as they pulled out of the driveway. The farmhouse twinkled with cozy lights behind them as they drove away. It filled Bennett with the melancholy that came with the ending of things: holidays, seasons, relationships.

Kira was looking out the window and he could see her face reflected in it.

‘I think it was my favorite Christmas ever.’

‘Then why do you sound so sad?’

She wiped a hand across her face, sniffling in a way that made Bennett want to tear the world down. She laughed a little, shaking her head.

‘You know, I’m trying really hard to be a good person here. I’m trying really hard not to ask you to stay, Bennett. I really am. But you are not making it easy. The fucking universe is not making it easy.’

‘Kira—’

‘No, nope. Don’t say anything. We had an agreement. You promised. I promised. So that’s it, okay? I’m not going to be selfish. I’m not going to ask you to give up your life for me.’

‘What if I want to?’

Her head whipped to face him as he drove. ‘You don’t want to.’

‘You’re going to tell me what I want now?’ Sadness was turning into frustration, into anger.

‘You can’t want to stay here! Maybe you think you do, but you don’t. You just want to … you just want to help me, or whatever. I’m like a baby deer on the side of the road and you want to pull over and rescue me, but you can’t, Bennett! You can’t. I have to learn to be a deer all on my own now. And you can’t fall back on old habits.’

‘Kira, you aren’t making sense.’

She growled in frustration and he pulled over. He couldn’t have this conversation not facing her. When he turned to her, she had tears streaming down her cheeks. Damn it.

‘I don’t think you’re a baby deer.’

She sniffled.

‘I think you’re a strong, smart, gorgeous woman.’

She shook her head. ‘Please … please don’t say things like that.’

‘Kira, what are you afraid of?’ What was he afraid of? Why had he agreed to this arrangement in the first place? He did fit in well here. He liked it here. He liked the people. He could be close to his family.

He could be close to Kira. Just because things had failed with Nicole didn’t mean it would happen again. And so what if it did? Was he just never going to try again?

‘This isn’t real,’ she said. ‘People don’t fall in love in a month. It doesn’t make sense.’

‘Feels pretty damn real to me.’ Fall in love. He’d fallen in love with her. The realization hit him hard in the chest.

She wiped her eyes. ‘No, it isn’t. I was so lonely, Bennett. So fucking lonely. And then you showed up and it was nice to have company. That’s it. That’s all it was.’

Nice to have company. She was trying to convince him that he’d been just a warm body to her, but it was a lie. He could see it in her eyes. She was lying about all of it, but she was pushing him away anyway.

‘And now you need to go back home to your real life and I need to live mine.’

Back home. Ha . How could any place that wasn’t with her feel like home now?

‘That’s what you want?’

She nodded, her arms folded across her chest. She held his gaze a breath longer before sitting back in her seat.

‘I think it’d be better if we end this now,’ she said, addressing the windshield instead of him. ‘You should probably go back to your sister’s apartment.’ She wouldn’t look at him. Her mind was made up.

And Bennett wasn’t about to beg.

Even though he wanted to.

Even though he wanted to throw himself at her feet and beg for her to see reason, to let him in, to let him stay.

Instead, he put the car back into drive and pulled out onto the deserted road. It was after eleven on Christmas night. Everyone was home with their families.

He fiddled with the dials; the car was suddenly stifling.

They rode the rest of the way in silence until Kira’s house loomed ahead of them in the darkness. Bennett pulled the car up the driveway and killed the engine. But before Kira could jump out of the car, he grabbed her wrist.

She turned to him.

‘Things might not make sense to you,’ he said, his voice low and rough. ‘But they make perfect sense to me. I did fall in love with you in a month.’ She sucked in a little whimper like his words cut her, but he kept going. ‘You are everything I want, and it has nothing to do with your broken house or your … your…’ he shook his head with frustration. ‘Whatever it is you think about yourself, that you’re selfish or not worthy or … I don’t know. I really don’t know, Kira because I think you’re fucking perfect.’

Tears rolled down her cheeks and her pulse fluttered in her wrist.

‘If you want me to go, I’ll go.’ He tugged gently and she went to him, falling into him, her lips warm and wet and he kissed her hard and rough and fast, the taste of her tears on his tongue when he pulled away. ‘I’ll go. But know this. You are not a bad habit. You are something entirely new. Say the word and I will back here in a fucking heartbeat.’

He let go of her then. He couldn’t look at her anymore, at her wide eyes, wet with tears, her swollen lips that he no longer got to kiss. She wanted him to go, he would go. He wouldn’t stay here another second. He couldn’t.

The dogs were less than pleased to be roused from sleep and ushered out the door, but there was no other choice. He stuffed the few things he’d brought over into his bag and followed them out. Kira stood on the porch, silent and stoic.

She didn’t tell him to stay.

She didn’t say anything as he threw his things into the car. And neither did he.

He’d said it all, and none of it had mattered.

There was nothing left to do but go. The only sound as he pulled out of the driveway was the whining of the dogs in the back seat, the last moments of Christmas music on the radio, and his own ragged breathing as he slowly fell apart.

* * *

The lies we tell ourselves are often stronger than the truth. They worm their way into our hearts and our minds until they are all we see, all we believe. And Kira had been telling herself a lot lately.

The main one being that she was not in love with Bennett Ellis.

But as she sat under her Christmas tree on Christmas night, or maybe it was technically the next day at this point, unwrapping the small present Bennett had apparently left there for her, that lie was quickly unraveling.

She took another swig from the wine bottle she was drinking from and tore off the shiny red paper.

‘Socks,’ she said out loud even though she was completely and utterly alone. Again. ‘He got me socks.’ She wanted to be mad about it, mocking this silly gift but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

‘He got me fuzzy socks with little peaches all over them,’ she whispered, the tears starting up fresh. ‘What a bastard.’ She pulled a blanket off the couch and curled up under the tree. Pine needles stuck to her cheek but she couldn’t seem to care. She’d fucked everything up, what were a few pine needles in her hair at this point?

She snuggled the socks closer to her chest and the sharp edge of a notecard pressed into her hand. Bennett’s handwriting was scrawled inside.

Something to keep your toes warm until you get that boiler.

Merry Christmas

~B.

‘Son of a bitch,’ she cursed between sobs. She pulled the blanket over her head and worked on her next lie: tomorrow she would feel good about her decision. She would feel good that she had chosen not to keep Bennett here just because she was lonely. She’d made a good decision for once. She hadn’t been rash or thoughtless.

She’d done the right thing.

That was what she’d tell herself in the morning.

But right now, she was sure she’d made a terrible mistake.