Chapter Twenty-Three

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Corbin

“Do we have to get out of bed today? Can’t we just stay here all day? As you’ve seen, I’m an excellent cuddler, so this is an opportunity you don’t want to miss. Going once…going twice…”

Spencer chuckled, then bit my pec. “I thought I was the excellent cuddler?”

He had me there. “Well, that too. All the more reason we should stay in bed and never leave. We can have food delivered. I don’t have a plan for the work situation, but we’re two smart guys. We can figure something out.” I started kissing my way down his body. “I’ll suck you off…”

Spencer held on to me and didn’t let me disappear beneath the blanket. Damn it. I had a feeling he was onto my plan.

“This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with your therapist appointment today, would it?”

“Oh, I have a therapist appointment? I totally forgot!” Clearly, I was a liar. It had taken me three weeks to get in with someone, and it was maybe the fastest three weeks of my life.

He ran his fingers through my hair, basically petting me. “Are you sure you don’t want me to take the day off? I can’t go in with you, but I’ll drive you there and wait in the car. Afterward, we can go do something fun, or if you’re worn out, then we can just come home, get naked, and do your stay-in-bed-cuddling idea.”

“Can we skip the appointment and do the rest?” I asked, even though it wasn’t really what I wanted. This was something I had to do, wanted to do, because it was so damn exhausting when my mind didn’t consistently match up with what I knew my body was…when I worried about what I ate and obsessed about how much attention I got online. I didn’t know how long I could keep pretending I was okay.

“Baby,” he said softly, now gently scratching my scalp with his blunt nails.

I sighed. “No. Don’t go with me. This is something I have to do on my own.” Because as much as I loved Spencer, I couldn’t always depend on him, and for this to work, I had to do it for myself, not because he was tagging along to make sure it happened.

I tried to get out of bed, but Spencer pulled me on top of him. “I’m so fucking proud of you. We’ll get through it together, and I’ll be prepared to give you all the snuggles tonight.”

A grin tugged at my lips. I liked making Spencer proud. “Naked snuggles?”

He laughed. “Always.”

I pressed a quick kiss to his lips. This time Spencer let me go when I got out of bed.

We showered together while I thought about the fact that basically all my day-to-day items had made their way to Spencer’s apartment. All my toiletries were here, and the clothes I wore were here. I couldn’t remember the last time I slept in my own apartment that was just next door. We hadn’t discussed officially moving in together, probably because it was too soon for that, but I couldn’t quiet the voice in my head that wondered if maybe Spencer just didn’t want to live with me…like maybe he knew this would be too much and he’d eventually get tired of a boyfriend who had the issues I did.

“You okay?” he asked, and I realized I was just standing there, spacing out.

“Yeah, fine. Sorry.”

When we got out, I grabbed my phone and took a photo of myself in a towel to post. It was ridiculous that I hoped people saying nice things about me would help me make it through today, but that was just how I worked.

“Do you want to drop me off at work on your way?” Spencer asked. Even though I had an early appointment, I’d taken the day off because I wasn’t sure I would feel like working after whatever torture I was likely in for.

“But then I have to pick your punk ass up later,” I teased.

“You love my punk ass.”

I really fucking did. “Ugh. Fine. Whatever you say.”

Spencer tried to make me a smoothie before we left, but I wasn’t having it. There was no way I could put anything in my stomach before I went to spill my guts to a stranger about all my insecurities.

Despite traffic, it didn’t take me long to get to the center. I pulled into the lot, and seconds after I had the car in park, Spencer’s hands were on my face, pulling me in for a kiss, and that…fuck, that did help calm the storm inside me. “You got this, and I love you.”

“I love you too.” Go with me. I changed my mind. Take the day off and go with me.

I didn’t let those words slip out, not because we weren’t learning to communicate with each other, but again, because I needed to do this on my own.

“Call me if you need me, okay?”

“Okay.”

I was pretty sure the universe worked against me as the traffic just…parted to let me through. Okay, maybe not, but it sure seemed to be less busy than it should be on a weekday in Southern California.

My appointment was in fifteen minutes, so I decided to wait in the car as long as I could. It was only moments later when the first text came through.

Marcus:I love you, kid. I’m proud of you. I’m here if you need me.

Parker:Hey, you. We’re all with you today! We love you, Corb. Always. No matter what.

Declan:I’d say drinks would be on me tonight, but drinks are regularly on me at my bar. I’m just giving you shit. You got this today. We’re all in your corner.

My eyes began to blur, filling with moisture, and the messages kept coming.

Gael:It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. It’s kinda cool to have someone to talk to you. I have a new book for you to read! I put it in Spencer’s office. You’ll be awesome today!

Sebastian:I hope you truly realize how special you are. There’s nothing you can’t do.

Kai:Hey, son.

A laugh burst from my lips, mingling with my tears. He’d called me that because I’d joked about him being my stepdaddy when he first got with Marcus.

Kai:Sending you good thoughts today. If you need to, come over. And if you need time with just Marcus, that’s cool too.

Elliott:Let’s plan on another hug orgy next time we see you. Proud of you, man.

I was…Jesus, I was the luckiest person in the world. Every single guy who had messaged me loved me. Spencer, who had offered to take the day off and would be ready to cheer me up later, loved me. To them, it didn’t matter that I wasn’t perfect, and I was going to work my ass off so that the only opinions that would matter would be from people like them.

I got out of the car and made my way into the building. The paperwork had all been done online, but I still had to give the receptionist my ID and insurance card.

My leg bounced as I waited for my name to be called. I only sat there for three minutes, which I knew because I was watching the time obsessively, when a Black woman with a buzzed head and a kind smile opened the door and asked, “Corbin?”

“Yep. That’s me.” I plastered on a fake, probably overdramatic smile.

“Hi. I’m Imani. It’s so nice to meet you.”

We shook hands before she led me down the hallway to her office. There was a couch and two armchairs inside, along with her desk and chair. Photos of the ocean hung on the walls, and a soft scent wafted from a dispenser.

“Have a seat. You can choose any one.” I pretended to head over to her desk chair, and Imani laughed. “Oh, I see I’m going to have my hands full with you,” she joked.

“I can’t say you’re the first person to tell me that.” I chose the corner cushion on the couch, and she sat in one of the armchairs.

“You’ll keep me on my toes, then. We’ll start with me telling you a little about myself. I know how difficult it can be to talk to a stranger. I’ve been in your seat.”

“This exact one?” I teased, because that was just what I did. Deflect.

“Well, that too.” She snickered. “But really, I think it’s important to share that even therapists benefit from therapy. You might decide you don’t connect with me, and that’s okay. It’s important to find the person you feel comfortable with. Just to share a small amount about myself, I’m in recovery from ED and have worked with this population for about twenty years. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

Wow…so she had been where I was? And she’d gotten in a healthier mindset?

“I’m married. I have a lovely wife, and we’ve adopted one child together. I love the ocean, as you can tell from the photos. I call myself a bit of a photographer, but really, it’s just something I do to unwind. What do you do?”

“To unwind? Honestly? I work out, or I used to hook up a lot.”

“Used to?”

“I have a boyfriend now.” I looked down. “It’s partly because of him that I’m here. He’s helped me want to be healthy.”

“Do you want to tell me more about him?” Imani asked, and I grinned.

“I do.” I started talking about Spencer, which then led to telling her about the Beach Bums and our podcast. I ended up rambling about sex too, and how being with all those men had made me feel wanted. Somehow that turned into a discussion about my family, how they loved me in a way that sometimes hurt, made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough or letting them down. I told her about my insecurities as a child, which I guessed were also my insecurities as an adult. How social media made me feel wanted and sexy, but could also make me feel ugly and hated. How I was afraid of looking like I had when I was young, and the shame I felt in that because it felt fatphobic and wrong. Sometimes when I looked in the mirror, I would see what I truly looked like. Other times, I would only see every imperfection and often exaggerated them. I just…spilled it all. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Eventually, tears were streaming down my face, and I’d gone through most of the box of tissues she gave me.

“So, am I fixed now?” I joked, making Imani chuckle.

“No, but thank you for sharing that with me. Every feeling you have is completely valid.”

“What do you think is wrong with me?”

“Nothing,” she replied. “Do you have some things to work through? Yes. But you’re not broken. Some of what you’ve explained is self-esteem related. There’s definitely some disordered eating, toxic diet and exercise culture, social factors impacting your relationship with food, and possibly some body dysmorphia. If you’d like to continue seeing me, I think we can tackle these things together.”

I did want that. I wanted it maybe more than I’d wanted anything in my life. “Let’s do it.”

Imani smiled. “Let’s do it.”

I walked out of the office with a smile on my face. I sent a group text to all my people, just saying: I did it. And then I went straight for the center and my man.