Chapter 30

Chapter

Thirty

S elene greets the others and almost basks in the glow of my shock at seeing her here.

She excuses herself to give me a moment, as if I cannot compose myself while she is in front of me. She sets the table for the food she brings in with Thad.

August quickly introduces me to him, and he bows his head before ducking toward the little dining area with a box that smells like smoked meat and fresh bread.

"I wanted to tell you before. I'm sorry. I thought they would take longer," Calliape explains.

"What is she doing here?" I say, not able to articulate anything else. "You knew as well?" I look at 99.

He breathes deeply but does not respond. I would listen to either of them explain, but it would make more sense coming from Calliape.

"When we arrived in Cosima and Lord Hollis was there to greet you—" Calliape stumbles over her words, but her attention snaps to 99, whose posture changes slightly at the mention of the name. "You said you would not be able to reach out to me for some time." Calliape's voice gets a little defensive.

August steps forward a little, sensing her distress. "We panicked when it had been so long, and then Commander Wesley came back without you, said you were still being held. It wasn't just Callia's idea, it was mine too, and I am the one who went to Frith to get her."

I gape at not only the way August so quickly tries to take the blame but the shortened version of Calliape's name that came out so naturally on his lips.

She stares at him too, a little surprised, and from the way he ducks his head, he realizes just how much she noticed.

I try to refocus myself away from their little exchange. "You stayed behind, here alone?" I ask her.

"No, Commander Wesley stayed until August came back."

August takes a turn in having too strong a reaction to a name being said, clearly bothered by that arrangement.

Calliape rolls her eyes at him, as if she cannot control it, then turns to me again. "We debated for a long time. We had no idea how long you would not be able to contact us. I thought that if we brought Selene here as another way to find proof, that her firsthand account could help."

"Has it?" My sense of hope renews at their shocking but admittedly solid idea of bringing her here.

Calliape looks down, a little discouraged. "No, she agreed to come, but when she arrived, she said she could not move around the Estate without being recognized."

Calliape's face reveals how truly upset she is to break this news to me like this. I know how much she wanted to help when we were planning, how pivotal her role was in making sure I was able to flee if needed, but then that was taken away.

It is clear she scrambled to find a new way to contribute.

She never truly explained her reasoning for leaving Frith, but it was clear that she and Selene have a complicated relationship. She was willing to set that aside to bring Selene here, to help me and my sister. I cannot find fault in that.

I take her hand. "I'm sorry. I was shocked, but you have no idea how much it means that you would try so hard for me, both of you."

"I think she will help now that you are here. She was withholding so that I would not leave again." Calliape's whispers are fact mixed with warning.

"I will talk to her, just give me a minute to think of what to say. And, Calliape, I know what you have given up bringing her here." I give her a meaningful look.

Calliape wants freedom more than anything, to find her place on her own. Selene is the opposite of that for her. It must have been a terrible decision to come to.

"Of course. As soon as you're ready, we will start."

She makes it sound much more formal than it will be, like I will update them all on some crucial evidence I have collected, that my time in the Estate has been well spent. I have only just today spoken with Leema, and I am nowhere closer to getting inside her temple.

I watch Calliape and August join Selene and Thad at the table. The kind-looking older man bows his head to all of us and then exits with the now empty box.

I glance over at 99. Tethering myself to him would be so easy and I would know what he is thinking, his version of events, but I can no longer rely on that luxury. It's difficult to not know his emotions before his words or physical reactions. How did we ever communicate before our linked minds did the work that our words could not?

"Did you try to stop them?" I ask, more curious how he truly feels about it than wishing he did.

"No. There was always someone here, waiting for you." His response feels like he hasn't answered at all.

I nod, coming to terms. There is no other route to let myself go that doesn't seem exhausting. "It would be unlike any of you to not try something while I was rotting in that cell."

His inhale is so sharp, it scares me.

"I'm sure you are imagining it much worse, 99."

"I can't help but imagine the worst from this place."

"I am ok. I will tell you what happened to me in that cell when I can show you too, when we can calm each other's minds and face the memory of it together."

He nods so stiffly. I know it is just as much of a challenge for him too.

"I can't believe she came or that August went back to Frith." I smile just thinking of him facing that world again. "But how?"

"Their beacon was switched on right after we left. They were waiting to hear from Calliape." He touches the side of my eye gently, another perceptive person noticing the physical effects of my visit with my sister. "You are upset?"

My defeated sigh makes his helmet tilt slightly. "I spoke to Leema. I tried to enter her temple, but I don't think I will be able to."

There is so much more I could say about my time with Leema. I wish I could just pour out thoughts and emotions through our tether, and I would have no doubt in my mind he would understand the nuances and complications of what she said and made me feel.

"She explained her reason for leaving the estate. I am entirely different from the last time I spoke to her; I would not have understood her in the slightest if I still had the ears of the person I was before." I shudder, thinking of that scenario.

"What was her reason?" His tone is neutral.

"The priestess order was using her as a pawn, fuel to keep me under control."

Even saying it aloud now, I feel a fresh wave of guilt.

"I am glad you spoke to your sister." His voice is so sincere, a mixture of relief that Leema's reason was not directly my fault and a longing for his own resolution with Oliver.

I hug him again, wrapping my arms around his armored middle. The breath he takes reminds me of the kind when all his armor is off and he climbs into bed, like he can finally relax.

"I miss you," I say.

"I am here."

"I know, but I miss—" I crane my neck to meet his visor, touching the side of his head like I want to slip inside."

"It is . . . difficult for me too."

I hold him for a few more moments, tucked farther into the kitchen area and out of the view of the others. It feels so good to have him pressed against me, his strong arms holding me tightly and the smell of him reminding me I am safe when I am with him.

"Are you hungry?" he whispers at the sound of my stomach rumbling against his.

"Yes."

We make our way the short distance to the dining room. Calliape and August sit on either side of Selene at the head of the table, her arms resting on top. The chairs are metal and in varying sizes and styles, and the table is covered in a butter-colored cloth and set with a few items of meat and bread.

I sit in an available spot, and 99 stands across from me, leaning against the wall.

"Hello, Selene. I apologize for being rude. Thank you for coming."

"I came because Calliape asked me."

It's unclear how much I have offended her or if she is just being her normal, off-putting self.

"Either way."

"I was very sorry to hear about your sister," she says.

I smile tightly at her, reaching across to pour myself some water, and notice her lean in.

"I can smell the incense on you, Ferren. It is my hope you are not finding yourself lost in there."

She wants me to react, I think, to see how I respond and give her any kind of clue of how my mind has held up while assimilating back into the Estate.

"Thank you for your concern. But all we need is your testimony of what is happening in that temple. I know you cannot move around the Estate, but any way you can help is appreciated." The words are easier to say than I thought they would be.

"How far along is she?" Selene asks and places a piece of white meat on her plate with some kind of vegetable.

"I am . . . not sure."

"Here." Selene holds a cupped hand to her belly, floating far in front, elegantly leaning back to exaggerate the size. "Or here?" She holds it closer, the same hand position Leema held hers in this morning.

"The second," I say.

"That's still good news. We have time." August leans in a little, trying to reassure me.

He and Selene both seem to know how far into pregnancy she is, more than the rest of us.

"My eldest sister shows really early. Everyone is different." He glances around the room.

99 pushes off the windowless wall, and I can tell he does not want to say what he is about to announce. "When the fleet arrives, the sole focus will be on the conjunction. Even now with the attacks, it will be hard to shift concentration on any corruption found."

"But the lord general said he would help if we found something," I say.

"That was before, when we were stationed in the birthlands like every other conjunction. It would be best to submit whatever we have before the fleet arrives. Even then, we may not be able to make a move until after the conjunction."

"Well, it sounds like Leema has some time," Calliape says hopefully.

Selene closes her eyes like she is deep in thought. "In times of high stress, children may come early. We still need to be diligent."

My heart sinks.

99 nods. "I have spoken to the lord general about stationing commanders in that temple for extra protection against another attack, but it has not been permitted by them."

Selene's smile has no warmth as she looks up at 99 with a tilted, mocking head. "You think Viathans standing around would stop them? Tell me, 99th Commander, if you were in the same room, would you even understand what is going on? What is natural and what is coerced? That temple needs to be shut down completely. Or all the elder priestess midwifes replaced."

He does not answer, but we all know she is right. "What do you suggest then?" he asks.

"The Estate has always kept extensive records, even down to the flowers used for each occasion. Some are more on the forbidden side, as Ferren may know." She gestures to me for a moment. "That temple keeps a record as well. It always has—mothers who have made the pilgrimage, if the child was divine, name, dates, etc. If you can bring me those ledgers, maybe we could find some sort of detail of what has been happening."

"It needs to be recent," 99 cuts in.

My stomach drops when I remember just how recently a ritual occurred.

"I just witnessed a divinity ritual. The mother was not present."

The silence in the room makes my ears ring and dissolves any hunger pains I had moments ago.

"And the child?"

"She was found divine."

"They would keep a record of which method of the three types of divine births it was."

"Hereditary, spontaneous . . . ," August recites, trying to follow along with the details of the temple.

"Or blessed, the death of the mother from natural causes or, in this case, manipulation," Selene finishes.

"It would not say she was sacrificed by the temple." Calliape's brows furrow.

"No, but it could show a pattern," Selene answers.

99 places his hands on his hips like he is following what Selene is saying and agrees. "If every woman who pilgrimages has the same type documented."

"Yes."

"And you think there is some kind of log or record of births in the Estate?" I ask.

Selene gives me a leveled look. "I know there is because Mary told me there was."

We all gawk at her, even Calliape who knows Selene more than we ever will, her past and the secrets of her reasons for leaving the priestess order. She knew Mary, had a bond with her. I even thought they knew each other from Selene's time in the Estate.

99 finally sits in the chair next to me, wrapping a protective arm around my backrest, or maybe it is there to calm an outburst he thinks is coming. I have had issues with Selene before, but we both cared for Mary, and it seems pointless to feel anything other than receptiveness to someone whose life is a parallel to mine. We both left the priestess order and find ourselves back on Cosima now and both want this temple to fall.

"I will have trouble accessing the forbidden section of the library without her there." I look into Selene's eyes, seeing how even the acknowledgment of Mary missing affects her too.

"You may also find a record in the School of Divine Children. They like to keep track of how strong the gifts are in children born in this fashion."

"Isn't the priestess who sent you the beacon message a teacher in that school?" Calliape asks.

"She is."

Selene looks intrigued. "Do you trust her? Could you ask to see the records there?"

"Maybe. She and the guard that sent me the message are close. I can reach out to both of them."

August shakes his head skeptically. "I don't know. Guards don't tend to forget when you attack other guards. I would be careful."

"Crixa has wiped any knowledge of my involvement in the grand hall incident. My only outburst was in the temple the day I was locked in my chambers, a hysterical priestess who lost her mind when she ascended." I gesture to my grey gown.

August looks horrified.

"She is afraid you made her look weak." Selene smiles and sits back in her chair. "Bring me those ledgers, Ferren, and I will testify against that temple."

"Thank you."

Selene and I will never be friends, but her hatred for this place is enough to consider her an ally.

"We'll submit both at once. It'll give us the best chance to halt the activity in that temple while it is investigated," 99 says.

Once the fleet gets here, all his and the lord general's focus will be on managing the commanders and making sure they are ready for another attack they believe to be coming.

The entire Estate is preparing to defend itself during the final days of the conjunction, when First Son is most likely to attack, when the world is covered in complete darkness and he can move around like shadows.

I have to get those ledgers and I have to find Thea tomorrow during my duties. The almost crushing limitations of how and when we can do this are exhausting, and I am not the only one who thinks so. I can see it in Calliape's and August's eyes too. They are here for me, all of them are, so I cannot pull back now. I can feel the ending of this in reach and I want nothing more than to have my sister safe and my family back on Viathan as we were before.

I push my food around my plate and only eat things I know will keep the hunger away for longer, not knowing if I will be able to get my appetite back for a while. My growling stomach is replaced with the fluttering of nerves and anxiety of fleeting time.

August and 99 are the only ones who do not sit for dinner. Instead, they speak of the ship and its maintenance and whether we will use it or a fleet ship when we finally depart.

I watch their conversation from the table, August sipping from his flask, and they glance back at me every few minutes as if to check if I am still there.

"Ferren." Selene's voice is right next to me as she places a few baked goods on the table. "Thad brought some dessert too. His wife is a baker. Would you like some?" She holds out a serving knife, her Estate manners showing through.

"I asked if he could send a few sweet things when we heard you would be with us." Calliape smiles.

"That is really . . . nice. Thank you." I stare at the plate of jam-filled tarts, not wanting to even imagine the powdery sugar against my teeth but place one on my plate anyway.

Calliape does not know what has happened to me, how the thought of sweet food turns my stomach now. She is being kind, making me feel welcome with the smallest of comforts that she knows would have meant so much to me before.

Selene moves behind me, gathering something up in her hands and setting down a covered basket on the table. The cloth around the bundle allows just a small peek of the contents inside, and by the clear granules around the opening, I know it's sugar bread.

I want to cry because I know my friends requested it specifically, but the sight of it fills my mouth with the taste of ash, the feeling of dread spreading out across my body and making its way to my throat and choking me.

It should be nothing and it is so foolish . . . but I can't.

99's hand comes down between me and the sugar bread. He lifts it out of the way and wordlessly moves back to the kitchen so calmly that no one thinks anything of it.

I turn in my chair and watch him walk back to August, whispering something, and then August reaches down to open a cabinet and pull out a bin.

99 dumps the entire bundle, basket and all, into the vessel made for disposal.

The act is so fast, so deliberate, that it takes me a moment to realize what he has done.

He protects me in all ways, tethered or not, and not just with brute strength but the tiniest of things that can affect the mind and heart. And to him, it is not foolish at all.