Chapter 24

Chapter

Twenty-Four

L eema locked eyes with me briefly. She was laughing and smiling with another woman just moments before, her joy carrying over in her expression as she spotted me. And even though that happiness was not directed at me, we connected across the crowd how only two people with a deep history can, their eyes always finding each other's even after all this time.

I enter the temple in all its opulence, the overpowering smell of incense grounding me in the present but filling my lungs down to my gut with a sense of deep longing and sadness for the love I once had for this place. It is beautiful and even otherworldly but does not feel the same.

I assumed it would not affect me, that I would still be able to cling onto the last moments of betrayal. But I have many other memories here, and my mind is too focused on remembering the good parts of it. I can hate this place and still miss it. I can want my sister out but still feel the profound magic of a temple ritual.

Even admitting those feelings edges on disloyalty to my new life, like I am teetering too close to something very dangerous.

Two elder priestesses show me to my seat at the very back of the temple, a completely empty pew to myself. Most have entered, mingling and taking their seats. I notice many eyes on me, but when I connect with them, they quickly look away. I can hear others around me whispering—some don't even try to hide their disgust.

The last I saw most of these women, I was being dragged out of this temple. They clearly have not forgotten that display.

I glance at Crixa up on her platform. Her lips are pursed as she talks to another high priestess, nodding her head in that patronizing way she does. I search the many grey veils in front of me, hoping one of them looks faintly like Thea's, but now they all look the same.

I am close enough to the large doors that I can see Ben chatting with some of the other guards just outside the temple. The ones from the Temple of Divine Mothers wear a white, cape-like fabric on their backs to show they protect the future of the Estate. No, the vessels for the future of the Estate. A detail I did not know was so different before. Anytime I would see the women from that temple, they looked so pampered, so doted on, it almost seemed excessive. But now, that seems like a clever trick to lure more women to pilgrimage into the temple's grasp with the promise of being treated like divinity for their stay.

My eyes comb through the line of women at the front, looking for Leema again now that most have moved out of the way. I see her pale skin that seems to glow with its own milky light, her sandy hair down and flowing like the others from that temple who are not divine.

She takes after her father, from what I can remember of the few times I saw him when he would bring her to visit me in the School of Divine Children. Leema hated that he said I looked more like our mother, in dark hair and complexion. He was kind and even encouraged us to know each other as sisters. I never asked him about my own father, as I was too busy pretending he was both of ours.

Another woman touches Leema's arm, and they lean into each other, giggling. When she turns to the side, I can see her rounded belly. She rubs it with such tenderness, the airy white fabric allowing her palm to glide up and down as she caresses the swell as if it is a baby in her arms.

I watch a lesser priestess beam at both Leema and the other woman and touch their bellies, as if it is not strange or improper at all. Her smile matches the priestesses', and I think I have never seen her this happy. Maybe I have never seen her happy at all.

I have to look away to let the knot in my throat subside.

Crixa begins a basic ceremony, one I try to endure while I keep my eyes fixed on my lap. From the outside, I hope it looks like I am deep in atonement, but truly it is difficult to sit through Crixa's way of speaking all while I know my sister is hanging on every word. She bows her head like a priestess, watches the highest with awe, and looks more the part than I ever did.

Once Crixa has gone through her speeches, the portions of our history that are relative today, and made us bow our heads in prayer more times than I can count, she then stands higher up on the platform next to the giant statue of First Mother.

"Today is a very special day." She pauses, looking out into the congregation to build suspense. "I am happy to announce a daughter has been born in the Temple of Divine Mothers."

Some gasp and others happily murmur to the person next to them at the news. They are all so excited, but all I can sense is a dark, sinking feeling pooling at my feet, like the entire temple will lift off from the floor and rise into the sky. A heavy dread, like taking off for the first time in August's ship with no control over anything but how hard I am gripping the pew.

"Yes, yes, yes, shush now." She laughs and holds up the bowl of moon water. "It is truly a blessing to be born on a conjunction year. May First Mother find her worthy of divinity and service. You will all witness, please stand."

A hush falls over the room as a woman slowly makes her way down the aisle with a linen bundle close to her breast. She looks down with such adoration, her eyes crinkling tightly at the sight of the sleeping baby in her arms.

An elder from that temple, not the mother.

I am the first person she walks by, the very first pew. When her eyes meet mine, expecting me to be smiling, she side-steps a little when met with my flat stare.

She continues down the aisle, smiling at each row and tilting the baby toward them to view it sleeping. Every priestess has silenced their contained joy, not wanting to wake her and ruin her first ceremony.

I scan the women in white for any indication that the baby's mother will step forward to claim her or stand next to her as she is presented to Crixa. But they all gaze in wonderment.

I wish I had paid more attention in the past. I know I have seen a high priestess present her own child. The white veil looked so beautiful against her red hair, but her eyes grew so much redder as she cried when giving her divine daughter to Crixa. A ceremony was still performed to check for the presence of divinity, even though the mother's line would ensure it. A tradition left over from the priestesses of old for any child born whose mother would allow it.

"High Priestess Esther." Crixa turns to the high priestess who steps forward, the one she spoke to before service. "First Mother in her everlasting wisdom passed the gift of divine sight to you from your mother's line, since our beginning. Your lineage is in service to your priestess sisters, to the fostering of new ones. How do you serve today?" Crixa asks lower than normal.

"I serve willingly," Esther whispers, so gently I have to read her lips to fully understand.

Crixa bows her head and holds out the bowl of moon water for Esther to dip her hand in and swipe down her face. She stands in front of the elder priestess holding the child and smiles sweetly. She places her hand on the small bundle and closes her eyes.

A slight glow lights up Esther's hair, her veil blotting out some of the brilliance. Her skin shines with the same light as her brow crinkles.

When she removes her hand, she takes a large breath and turns to Crixa. Everyone in the temple seems to lean forward to hear her verdict.

She nods in confirmation, her veil rippling at the movement, and Crixa's satisfied smile slashes her face like she has found something valuable.

Crixa dips her fingertips into the water and then presses them to the bundle gingerly. "Welcome. Thanks be to First Mother."

The congregation repeats the words on whispers that sound like hissing as the elder priestess turns back down the aisle with the infant.

The rest of Crixa's words are a blur when she dismisses us, my mind fixated on what I just witnessed. I stand instantly and walk to the open doors, not wanting to linger and hear the other priestesses' happy voices.

Now that they have something else to speak about other than the disgraced temple member in the back, they do not notice how quickly I leave.

Ben begins walking beside me as soon as I pass him. I want to put as much space between me and that temple as possible. I am sick, like I could throw up every bit of sugar bread and bile in my stomach and it would still not be enough. I can't be sure, but I have a feeling what I saw was darker than any of those women could imagine.

"Ferren!"

I turn my head so fast, I barely catch myself from stumbling.

Thea races toward me, her beautifully made temple gown perfectly draped on her petite frame. Her smile grows even bigger, as bright and shiny as the large gold earrings peeking out of her veil.

I try to reply several times without completing a full word as she wraps her arms around me. I am so happy to see her, but what is meant to be a hug, a wonderful reunion between old friends, feels like embracing a stranger.

When she lets go, she glances around to see if anyone noticed, like she got lost in the excitement of seeing me and forgot my current status.

"I've missed you," she says, picking up a piece of my grey veil and admiring it like it's fine silk. "You look amazing. I'm so happy."

I know she is referring to the color, what it means. To Thea, this should solve all my problems. I have ascended and the temple has accepted me back, so all is well in the Estate.

"I've missed you too." Miss may not be the right word. I care for Thea, but she was always out of reach.

The moment I felt how deep a friendship could be with Calliape and August, I knew what Thea and I had was not the same. I miss my time with her when things were simple and I only had one thought on my mind—to ascend. I wish I knew her outside of the temple, how our lives would intertwine if we were not forced to remain at a distance because of our statuses.

Thea has always been elevated even over most other high priestesses. Her lineage is old and powerful, but she is so tender-hearted, she chose her own assignment in the School of Divine Children. I have never seen her teach them, but I imagine she is patient and wonderfully optimistic. Both things were lacking in my time at the school as a child.

"You have no idea how much I have prayed that you would return." She gives Ben a look and a not-so-secret smile and pulls my hand toward a large pillar for us to hide behind.

"I looked for you in the temple." I'm not sure what to say to Thea anymore. I wonder if she feels it too, the even thicker wall that separates us.

"We are packed in like stuffed geese on days like today. Isn't it wonderful?"

She smiles at me with that eerie, glazed look I saw earlier.

"It is." I raise both eyebrows and force myself to look excited.

She hums dreamily and touches my dark grey gown again. "Soon, the incense smoke will lift and you will be back to your old duties, and when your time of atonement is over, I will push for an ascension ceremony. You deserve it. I know how much you wanted one."

She looks sincere, like she would be willing to go right now and ask Crixa to end my punishment early. Thea is so kind, it makes me feel lacking. I can't tell her not to bother, that I will be gone long before then, so I smile and nod. "That would be wonderful, and maybe I could get a new temple gown for it."

"Yes!"

Ben clears his throat, trying to convey we are being too loud.

She presses her lips together at his too serious face. "I should go. The school children will want to hear about the ceremony," she whispers closer to me.

"Wait . . . Thank you for getting word to me. Thea, you have no idea how important that was to receive."

"Of course I do," she says a little more sternly. "You had to know, and if that is the reason you came back to us, I am happy to have risked the punishment." She glances at Ben, a little worried.

"Thank you," I repeat and hold her hand.

"You are welcome, but we must not speak of it again."

"I swear it."

"Good." She glances at Ben again and I know he is listening.

Leema has met Thea on occasion during her visits with me in the past. The two of them are familiar enough that Leema felt comfortable seeking her out to ask after me. If I cannot get to Leema, then maybe Thea can.

"You said Leema was asking for me. I would love to speak with her, but it will be difficult. Could you?—"

"I am not sure. I am not often in the same places as she is," Thea interrupts.

"Please. I would not ask if it was not heavy on my heart. I just want to speak with her after all this time. She looks so happy."

"I will try," she whispers.

I hate using my actual pain to make her understand. It's terrible to manipulate Thea like this, but I cannot see any other way to get into that temple. And while I do want to speak with Leema, it will not be on the topics Thea assumes.

The divine child presented during our temple service today has a mother, and during my visit with Leema, I intend to find out what happened to her.