20. Clara

CHAPTER 20

CLARA

F or Clara, packing her things and moving, yet again, to Dawn's place felt like the worst kind of chore. She'd given up her place when she moved in with Luis, not seeing how such a pragmatic deal could go wrong and wanting to commit to the bit completely. Now she had nowhere to go, but she was not about to lean on Luis's charity for anything else. Her heart wanted to be strong, or at least to look stronger than it was, and the only person who she didn't mind seeing her weakness right now was Dawn.

All her things were piled in her sister's spare room, which would eventually become a nursery, and Clara couldn't bring herself to unpack them. Just being in the room reminded her of the nursery she'd decorated with Luis — that kiss he'd given her after their flirtatious fight. He'd been so full of passion then, and she was more than a little certain he would have confessed his love had she allowed him to keep talking. But she hadn't, and now she was kicking herself for it. At the same time, she wanted him to fight for her, so maybe knowing he wouldn't was for the best in the end.

She took one last look at her piles of boxes and suitcases, and made her way to the kitchen with all that weight on her heart. Stan was there cooking dinner with Dawn.

"Oh, sit down, Sis," Clara said. "You shouldn't be working."

"Not a chance." Dawn turned and pointed a knife at her. "You'll get it when you're more pregnant and no one will let you do anything. It's so boring. Stan gets it. Don't you, Stan?"

"Not really," Stan said without turning around. "I wish you'd let me spoil you more."

"See?" Clara gestured to stan. "That's what I'm trying to say."

Dawn heaved a deep sigh and rolled her eyes. "Fine. Chop these. I'll sit here and supervise." She handed the knife to Clara and traded places with her.

"What are we making?" Clara asked, happy to finally have a job to do.

"Stir fry," Stan answered. "Dawn's favorite lately, but God knows how long that will last."

Dawn glared playfully. "That's your baby's fault, not mine."

"I'll be sure to give him a talking-to as soon as he's born."

Clara perked up. " Him ?"

"Sta-an!" Dawn chided her husband by giving his name two syllables instead of one. Clara saw Stan smile while his back was turned. He really did love Dawn. Clara could only hope to find a relationship like that one day. For some stupid reason, she actually thought she'd had something like that with Luis, but clearly that hadn't been the case. "We were going to tell everybody next week, remember?"

Stan's cheeks turned red, but he managed to defend himself with an argument Dawn didn't dare debate. "Clara's not everybody , though. She's one of us. Anyway, you can't expect me to hold it in at home, too. I'm bound to crack eventually."

"You already did," Dawn said with a chuckle. Then she turned to Clara, who had stopped chopping mid-carrot. "All right, then. We had this whole thing planned where we were going to tell Mom and Dad, and you and—" She stopped short, but Clara knew what she'd been about to say.

"It's okay," she said to Dawn. She didn't look at her sister when she spoke, not because she was angry, but because she knew the pained look on her face would make her words hard to believe. "He would be happy to know. You should tell him anyway. He's still going to be the father of my child, and he wants to be in the baby's life, so we're going to have to find a way to enjoy each other's company anyway."

By the time they finished eating dinner, Clara was feeling better. She'd convinced herself she didn't need love. There were loads of people who found meaning in other areas of life, and she was convinced she would become one of those people. After all, she was about to become a mother, and she was determined to be the best mother there was. While Stan finished clearing the table, Dawn took Clara to the living room, and the two of them cuddled up on the couch under Dawn's fuzziest throw blanket.

"What do you want to watch today?" Dawn said, flipping through lists of movies she had available on her streaming services.

"Comedy or horror," Clara answered. "I can't do romance right now."

Dawn laughed. " Evil Dead it is." Then she called to the kitchen. "Stan! We're gonna need some popcorn up in here."

He called back over the sound of running water. "I thought you wanted to do things for yourself, huh?"

"I thought you wanted to spoil your pregnant wife, huh?" Dawn always won their flirtatious spats, Clara suspected by Stan's own design.

"Fine, fine. One giant bowl of popcorn coming up." He microwaved popcorn, brought them the bowl, and dimmed the lights.

"You're the best, hubs."

Stan leaned down and kissed Dawn on the forehead. "You two have fun. I'm off to bed. And, Clara, if he's not crying his eyes out right now, he never deserved you anyway. Got it?"

He was gone a minute later, and Clara sank deeper into the overstuffed couch. She and Dawn had seen this series many times before, so there was no real need to pay attention to it, and that was probably a good thing because Clara wasn't in the right state of mind to pay close attention to anything, let alone a zombie movie.

Dawn didn't bother to pause the movie before she started her questions. "Okay, you've been acting weird all night, and I know you're going through something. But I also know you, and I can one hundred percent tell when you're hiding something from me." She narrowed her eyes and leaned in while the movie played on in the background. "You're hiding something."

Clara bowed her head and hugged the blanket to her chest. "Fine. You're right, I guess. I've been hiding something for a while, but it's only because I didn't feel like I could break a promise I made."

"To whom?" Dawn asked.

"To Luis." Clara closed her eyes. "My whole thing with him was never what it looked like. We had this arrangement." She stopped a moment and turned to face her sister. "Oh, please don't tell Mom and Dad. I really don't need the lectures."

Dawn arched an eyebrow "You know I won't, Sis."

"That day I found out that my fertility was declining? That was the day I met Luis. He had his own troubles that he thought a marriage would solve."

Dawn crossed her arms and leaned back. She did not look happy. "Go on."

Clara hesitated, but she'd been wanting to tell someone other than Luis for so long. Lately, it felt like everything she was going through, she was going through alone. In her life, she'd always had her family, especially her sister to fall back on, but not this time. For months it had just been her and Luis, and now she didn't even have him anymore, and she needed to lean on someone. "It wasn't like an indecent proposal or anything. We were attracted to each other, and we… you know… took comfort in each other that night. He told me he could pay for fertility treatments, and I told him I'd agree to marry him so he could stay in the country legally. But the thing is, he doesn't need the marriage anymore."

"So he pulled out? That bastard!"

"No," Clara said. "No, you don't understand. He swears he will hold up his end. While I don't need fertility treatment anymore, he wants to take care of me and the baby. He just… told me we didn't have to marry if I didn't want to."

"But why wouldn't you want to marry him? You're both so obviously smitten with each other."

Clara hugged the blanket tighter and shook her head. "No, we're not."

"You absolutely are." Dawn uncrossed her arm and turned to face her sister. "Look, I hate to break it to you, but your little game was obvious from the start. I knew something was fishy, but when I saw the way you two looked at each other, I knew things were heating up for real. I thought, it doesn't matter how it started. All that matters is they love each other now, and they're going to be so happy together."

"We're not," Clara insisted. "I made him promise to keep it all business so no feelings would get in the way. Anytime he seemed like he was getting too close, I pushed him away. I thought I was doing the right thing, but then I caught feelings for him like an idiot." She turned to watch the movie for a minute before she went on. Dawn did not interrupt or stop her. "You and I both know how easy it is to fool yourself into believing you're in love."

"That's only if you've never really been in love before." Dawn scooted closer and rested her head on Clara's shoulder. "Oh, Sis. Once you've fallen in love for real, it becomes so easy to spot. That's why I didn't question you at all. The way you looked at him. For goodness' sake, the way he looked at you! I could tell he was mad about you."

"He wasn't," Clara said, still not making eye contact with her sister. "Maybe he thought he was in love, but he knows better now. Trust me. The way he looked when he called off the wedding… He was relieved! Whatever I did to push him away, it worked. And if it was that easy to talk him out of a relationship with me, then I'm afraid I can't believe he ever really loved me. Can I? Don't men who are in love tend to fight for the women they love?"

"Not if it isn't the right thing to do," Dawn said, both her arms around her sister now. "You said you pushed him away, and he's got to be aware of the uneven power dynamic between you two. What if he just doesn't want you to feel forced? What if he's just sacrificing his own heart so he knows there's no chance you're marrying him unwillingly? That sounds like real love to me. He cares more about you than he does about himself."

"You've always been the romantic between us," Clara said with a sad smile. "But I think you're wrong this time. If he ever had feelings for me, he doesn't anymore. I made sure of that. I won't go crawling back begging for a fake relationship again. If he wants to let me out, then I'm out." She shrugged.

Dawn was staring at her with wide eyes and her mouth hanging open. "You really can be an idiot, Clara. You know that? If there's nothing else I'm sure of in this world, I'm sure of that man's love for you. When he looked at you, I thought he might burst from it. That was pure adoration is what that was. How could you have missed it?"

"I don't think I did."

Dawn sighed and sat back to watch the movie again. "You're as bad as the zombies," she said. "Walking through life without really seeing anything. Well, you know I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do. I still say he loves you, but so do I, so whatever it is you're going through, I'm on your side. Okay?"

Clara sniffed and rubbed away the tears welling in her eyes before they could fall. "Thanks, Sis. I just… I think I needed to hear that, anyway. If you're there, I think everything is going to be just fine." Now, if only Clara could get herself to believe that was really true.