16. Things You Shouldn’t Want

16. Things You Shouldn't Want

Ozzo and Loula were waiting with the boats. Hakan tamped down his relief at finding them still on Sixblades" jetty after everyone else had fled. His crew had stepped back into danger for his sake; of course they wouldn"t just leave him here. And when did he get so insecure and needy, anyway?

"We need to get Zelzie to a doctor," he said as they reached Emancipation. Two boats had been necessary earlier, but now looked likely to be a headache. They could tow the smaller chebec.

"A doctor can't help," Ramorran said tightly. "I have to take her home."

It made sense the man didn't want to let a human doctor see his vulnerable sister. Hakan glanced at his crewmates, wondering if they were aware of Ramorran's difference. Ozzo was busy readying the dhow, while Loula was staring determinedly into the distance, giving them space for their argument. They weren't arguing – were they? "If you think that's best," he offered.

Ramorran's jaw flexed. He took a step towards Free Breezes, glanced at Hakan keeping pace, and added stiffly, "I can make my way alone."

"I'll help," Hakan promised. Did Ramorran think he'd abandon him? Perhaps that wasn't so odd. He was the one who'd said they only had a temporary thing.

Actions might convince the man where words couldn't. Hakan stepped into the chebec, then turned back to take Zelzie's inert form. After a brief hesitation, Ramorran handed her off. He'd thought she was pliant and quiet; now, he realised she was asleep. The skin under her eyes looked bruised with fatigue. Ramorran stepped aboard as Hakan carried the girl to the hammock beneath the awning.

He felt Loula and Ozzo's eyes on him, waiting to see if they were needed. His crew was split into two, old and new, and for the first time in a very long while Hakan wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't truly at home with his old crew nor yet comfortable with Ramorran.

But he was the captain. Time to act like it. He straightened. Ramorran was tugging a blanket carefully over their passenger. "Okay, how long will it take us to reach your home? We have enough provisions for a week – will that be sufficient?"

Ramorran shook his head. "You can stay with Loula and Ozzo now. You've got your crew back – that's what you wanted."

Hakan's chest tightened. "You're my crew, too. I'm coming with you. I need to know you're safe."

Ramorran's jaw tensed. "You don't need my boat now. I'm sure you'll be happier with the crew you're familiar with."

"Screw the boat!" He took a breath. "I'm worried about you."

Ramorran huffed. "I'm a grown man. I can face the consequences of my actions by myself."

That made him more alarmed rather than less. They hadn't discussed it, because he'd cut off the possibility of confidences, but he had the impression Ramorran's family weren't the forgiving sort. And he wanted to stand by Ramorran's side, whatever his family was like. "I want to go with you," he said, in case he'd somehow managed not to make that clear.

"That's impossible."

"It's not impossible. I want to be with you." They belonged together. His heart ached – was it only him who felt that way?

"If you came with me... That would make matters worse, not better."

"Saying that makes me more anxious about you going, not less." Hakan smiled to soften his words, but he wouldn't take them back. "I'm used to trespassing where I'm not welcome," he pointed out.

"It's not that." Ramorran sighed. "It's not only that. You don't know our ways, you don't know how things are done." He took a breath. "And when they see what Sixblades did to Zelzie... Well, let's just say bringing a pirate with me would only inflame matters."

That was a whole lot of practicalities Hakan didn't care about. "Do you want me to stay away?"

Ramorran's jaw worked, which was probably answer enough. "It would be better if you did," he insisted.

Hakan watched him carefully. "Better for who?"

Ramorran eyed him as though deciding how much energy he wanted to dedicate to arguing. "Fates!" He straightened abruptly, looking round in dismay.

"What's the matter?"

"Her skin!" Ramorran tipped his head to the sky and swore, spitting the vicious words. He lowered his voice with an anxious glance at Loula and Ozzo. "I didn't get her skin." He turned and his expression was so desolate Hakan felt a stab to his heart. "I was so angry I forgot about it." He unhooked the bundle on his back, setting it on deck. Hakan could see fur peeping through the cotton wrapping. "I got my own skin and forgot hers. I'll have to go back."

Delight soared through Hakan as he understood what must have happened. "No need." He tugged the fur he'd taken from Sixblades from the inside of his jacket. "I have it. I thought I'd found yours, but if you have yours, this must be Zelzie's."

"You have it?" Ramorran's expression went slack with relief.

Hakan stepped forward, shaking it out. "It's damaged. I'm so sorry."

Ramorran shook his head. "Damaged we can deal with."

Hakan stepped up to the hammock, draping the skin over Zelzie's sleeping form.

Ramorran put himself bodily in the way, seizing the fur before it could touch her skin. "What are you doing?"

Hakan blinked in confusion. Ramorran looked ... angry, every muscle tense. He looked at the fur in his hands, then back to Ramorran. "Isn't this hers?"

"Yes, it's hers." Ramorran snatched the skin from his hands. "But you don't just—"

"I only meant to give it back to her," Hakan said, bemused by Ramorran's reaction.

Ramorran straightened. "When you steal a selkie's skin, and then present it back to them..." He huffed impatiently. "It's courtship. You were in the process of offering marriage to my sister."

"Marriage?" Heat burned his face. "Well, I didn't mean—"

"Exactly." Ramorran's voice was gentle, but cold as the Bitter Ocean. "You don't know our ways. This is precisely why you shouldn't come with me."

"Fine, I'll stay away while you speak to your family. But let me make the journey with you." He was worried about Ramorran's family. Would it be enough for them that Sixblades was dead, or would that only frustrate their desire for revenge?

"I don't know what will happen when I get home," he admitted.

"I'm not sure I understand. You won't want to come back – or you won't be able to?"

Ramorran gave no reply save the clench of his jaw.

"Aren't you a free man?" Anger surged through him. "You've just escaped one cage – would your family put you in another?"

"It's not as simple as that!" Ramorran burst out. "The best thing you can do is stay away."

"No chance of that!"

Ramorran glared, his gaze hard. "I don't want you anywhere near my family or my home."

Dissent in the crew. In his navy life, that would have been enough for a flogging. But he'd never lay a harsh finger on Ramorran. And part of his job as captain was finding compromises; navigating a way through choppy water when necessary.

"I'll let you go alone, but I will follow. I'll give you … a week with them, and then I'll fetch you back."

"I'm not coming back."

Dizziness swept over him. He took a calming breath. Ramorran's voice shook. He wouldn't meet Hakan's eye. Which meant he was by no means sure of his words. "And if that's your wish, tell me in a week's time and I'll wave you away." It wouldn't be happily. He was a pirate; he was used to getting his own way. But if Ramorran was happy he'd accept it.

But only if the man were truly ecstatic to be back with his family.

Ramorran made a wounded sound. He stared at the sky, unmoving.

"I want to be with you," he said, just in case Ramorran could somehow still be unaware.

"It's not possible," Ramorran replied stiffly.

"Everything's possible if you're determined enough," Hakan replied. He softened his tone. "You said I made you want things you shouldn"t. Isn"t that true any longer?"

Ramorran"s jaw worked, which reassured Hakan more than any words might. "It doesn't matter what I want." Ramorran sounded like he was fighting to convince himself. "I have to get Zelzie safely home."

"Of course you do. Family comes first. I understand that." His heart ached. He wanted Ramorran to be his family, but that would take more time than he had right now. "But you have to tell me how to find you. And if your family don't appreciate you, then I'm carrying you away whether you like it or not." He took a breath and cast his heart at Ramorran's feet. "Your happiness means more to me than anything else in this world."

Ramorran hesitated. Hakan longed to grab him and push him onto Emancipation, keep him under lock and key if that's what it took. But he wanted a lover, not a hostage.

Ramorran's throat worked again and he nodded as though reassuring himself of his decision. He looked up. "I'll meet you. I promise that much. A week's time." He glanced at the sky, where the sun was high in the heavens. "New moon."

Six days. Hakan's heart surged on a crest of triumph. "Where?"

"There's a cove, at the easternmost tip of the Three Sisters. You know it?"

Every sailor knew the rock formation just off Gabalnu's North-eastern coast. "Hard to get to." And famous for causing wrecks. But he hadn't meant to voice a complaint. "Yes, I'll be there."

"Drop anchor in the bay. Wait for nightfall, so there'll be more cover. I'll come to you."

"I'll be counting the minutes."

Ramorran nodded and turned away.

"Wait."

As he turned back, Hakan grabbed the front of his shirt and hauled him in for a kiss. Hope surged through him when Ramorran's hands settled on his hips and he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. It was wild, a bit sloppy; desperate. Hakan couldn't make himself offer anything more restrained. He wasn't restrained; he was falling apart.

When he broke off he was breathing heavily. Ramorran's eyes sparkled. He touched his lips as though holding on to the embrace, but he didn't change his mind. "Go."

"New moon," Hakan said, heart aching as he stepped onto Emancipation where his crew was waiting. The words were both a promise and a plea.

"New moon," Ramorran agreed. He turned away to unhitch the chebec from the jetty. He didn't look back.

Hakan knew it, because he didn't look away until Ramorran was too far away to be recognised.