Chapter 30 - Jenna

Stop panicking.

No matter how many times I repeated it to myself, I was on the verge of panicking. It was hard enough convincing Lev to let me go on this trip without him, having to pretend I only wanted to reconnect with my sister. Then he offered to drive me down; no matter what I said, he wouldn't be swayed.

I was positive Katie would see right through his business-like friendliness and ‘just trying to help out' act. The second I walked back in there, she would surely attack me and demand to know what was happening with Lev and me. Because how could she not see right through it when he kept looking at me like that? With such hunger and longing. It didn't help me one bit, either, and I'd been on edge so long I wasn't sure I remembered what it felt like to be calm.

Ever since I overheard him talking about making an example out of someone—and getting rid of them if that didn't work—I'd been on pins and needles. It was impossible to justify Lev as the fantastic person I mostly saw, compared to the coldhearted killer's voice that I heard when he gave that order. It scared me how much I wished I could turn my brain off so I could pretend I never heard anything of the sort.

On top of that, I was just about ready to give up on this semester. I was too tense to keep my mind on my studies, and I'd already skipped so many classes that I could follow Lev around as his assistant, desperate to find something useful for my plan. That was more important to me than school right now, putting Lev behind bars and extricating myself from this ruse.

This sisterly weekend couldn't have come up at a worse time, but it wasn't like I could flat-out tell Katie I didn't want anything to do with her new family anymore. Not when I was stuck in it, as well. Then it turned out to be the perfect excuse to get far enough from Lev to work out a new plan, so I changed my tune and begged to go, promising I'd be perfectly safe.

As I said goodbye to Lev, I was terrified he was going to go through with his rash announcement to march in there and confess everything to Katie. Or worse, find a reason to book a separate room so we could sneakily be together. As if my eagle-eyed sister wouldn't suspect something immediately.

The best way for me to have as clean a break as possible would be if she never knew about our secret marriage. It was going to devastate her husband when Lev went down for his crimes, and once I exposed him, it would probably trickle down to Aleks and the rest of the siblings as well. It killed me thinking Katie might get swept up in the sting, but she'd made her bed.

It was also killing me to accept Lev's goodbye kiss; it was so sweet and ferocious at the same time. How could a man be two things at once, both bad and good? Were things really not black and white the way he'd told me? Would he see it that way when my plan was put into motion?

Guilt made me shove him away before I tossed the whole plan to the wayside, got back in the car with him, and demanded we go home. Did he see through me and suspect what was coming once I got the ball rolling on my new plan?

After his car pulled out and rounded the corner, I still prickled all over with barely contained nervous energy. Katie and Nat waited for me, eager to get unpacked and get facials and pedicures. I followed along to our rooms, trying to keep up with their chatter about this and that. Katie was as big as a house and walked with a waddle that was both comical and a bit heartbreaking.

I'd missed most of her pregnancy, and if things went down the way they should, I might never get to really know my niece. As much as I resented Katie for going against everything she claimed to stand for, and as much as I didn't want anything to do with the Bratva, I'd never once hated her.

But she'd surely hate me soon enough.

All I could do was keep a fake smile plastered on my face, try to keep up with the non-stop gossip, and try to enjoy the spa amenities while I waited for the real reason I agreed to come down here to show up.

This popular resort in Monterey had seemed like the perfect place to "accidentally" run into Councilman Hardy. He had agreed to book the same weekend with his wife. It wouldn't seem out of the ordinary to have a cup of coffee and a quick chat. At least, I hoped it wouldn't. Paranoia was my latest default emotion, along with utter turmoil.

Katie swung her arm around me, her face glowing with happiness because she not only had her best friend back on her side, she thought she had her sister, too.

"Let's just laze around by the pool for a while and then get pedicures," she suggested.

It was still much too cool outside so we went to the nearly empty indoor pool and slid into the relaxing water of the shallow end. Nat slid down to her chin and let her arms bob at her sides, sighing contentedly. Katie tried the same maneuver, but her belly floated up to the surface, making us all laugh. No sooner than the sound came out of my mouth, and I was assailed by guilt again for what I was planning to do.

Nat made room for me on the low bench under the water, and I rested my head against the side of the pool, trying to let the soft sound of the filter lull away my anxiety before they noticed. But hanging out with them was torture.

I'd always love my sister, no matter how hard I tried to distance myself. Despite her putting pressure on me to succeed, she had the best intentions, only wanting me to have a great life. She was so clearly head over heels in love with Aleks, and from everything she said, he seemed to treat her like a queen. I'd always liked Nat, too. When our parents died, every one of our friends from the fancy private academy we went to fell by the wayside once we were suddenly poor, but Nat stuck by Katie. Through the roughest of times, she stayed a faithful friend.

"How did you end up so normal?" I blurted when there was a lull in conversation, and we were just idly splashing our toes through the water. "I mean, growing up in the Bratva?" Even though we were the only ones out there, I whispered the word, then I nodded to Katie's big belly. "She's going to grow up in it as well."

Katie patted her bump and looked to Nat for her answer. Had she been worrying about her daughter growing up as a mafia princess as well?

Nat shrugged. "Sometimes it sucked," she said. "I'm sure I've seen things that most people would never dream of. Sometimes I wished Papa would just retire and run his legit businesses so I wouldn't have to get whisked off to a safe house if there was a threat, or always have some bodyguard lurking in the background."

We all glanced toward the door leading to the pool area. A discreet man, who anyone who passed would just think was an especially beefy husband waiting for his wife to be finished with a treatment, was waiting out in the hall. I suspected this was why Lev finally agreed to let me come without him, and I hoped it wouldn't mess with my meeting once the councilman arrived.

"But what childhood is perfect?" Nat continued. "And I'm proud of my family's accomplishments. There will always be bad guys in this world, and my father and uncles will maintain a balance."

"Aleks would never be cruel for no reason," Katie said.

"And if you give him a reason, that's on you," Nat added. She looked at me for a long time to gauge my reaction, finishing with, "My family would do anything for me, and I'd do anything for them."

She certainly didn't mean it as a warning, because she closed her eyes contentedly and let her legs float languidly to the surface. I couldn't help but take it that way, though, since it was almost time to run into Councilman Hardy. I pulled myself half out of the pool to check my phone for any messages, and as if he was keeping tabs on me, a video call request came through from Lev.

I angrily swiped it away before Katie or Nat saw it since he had no earthly reason to call. Knowing him, he'd probably try again, and it pissed me off even more than I hoped he would. Oh God, did I miss the man I was trying to destroy? I hoisted myself all the way out of the water and wrapped up in one of the plush spa towels in a stack on a nearby shelf.

"I'm turning into a prune," I said, hoping I sounded less wound up than I felt. "I'm going back to my room for a little bit. I'll catch up in time for pedicures."

I needed to pull myself together enough to ignore Lev's next call, or fight the disappointment when he didn't, because even once I was safe in my room, my phone remained silent.

Yes, I had feelings for Lev. Despite all my efforts to cling to my anger at his deception, to rail against his possessiveness and arrogance, I had feelings for him. Muddled, strange feelings I couldn't examine too closely for fear of discovering they were stronger than I wanted them to be. Stronger than my desire to get out of this marriage and get my life back.

I hated the idea of betraying Katie, because she was sure to see it like that. My sister might get caught up if this plan worked out, and then how would I feel about that? Like Lev said, nothing was black and white. I was firmly in the gray area and completely lost.

What did I really want? No, it couldn't be to just be Lev's wife and live happily ever after. Tears rolled down my face, salty and hot, too many to blink away. Once again, I was crying almost uncontrollably, something I'd been doing a lot lately.

I sank onto the bed and rested my cheek against the cool linen spread, trying to focus on the zen surroundings of my room. Not even the soothing cream walls and bamboo furniture with soft beige and white pillows could ease the heated turmoil twisting up my insides. Or help me figure things out.

I wanted peace. As boring and simple as my old life had been, it was better to go back to that and stay on my old path even with its difficulties. The one I had chosen so long ago. I'd taken a fork in the road out of what seemed like desperation at the time, but it had caused even more upheaval. Now, my heart was dangerously close to being affected, and that scared me more than anything else.

Maybe to Lev, there was no black or white, but that made things much too difficult. I had to choose.

I got up and rinsed my face with cold water, dabbing on some of the wonderfully scented lotions the spa had left in the bathroom. I changed out of my swimsuit, sticking to my clammy skin, and put on some flowy pants and a light sweater. Combing through my damp, tangled hair, I patted some color into my cheeks and forced a smile at my reflection. It seemed like anyone who saw me would be fooled into believing I wasn't waging a war with myself.

Not really caring to sit around while someone scrubbed my feet and polished my toenails, I headed to the dining room to get some of the delicious pink lemonade to rehydrate after my latest sobfest. I had to clear my head without Katie or Nat around to distract me and add to the guilt that was weighing me down.

As I was about to enter the dining room, I spotted Councilman Hardy coming down the hall. He nodded briskly the moment he recognized me and said something to the woman with him before heading my way.

It was time to pick a side.