Chapter 22 - Jenna

I pretended to fall asleep so that Lev wouldn't get any ideas that I wanted another round. I mean, I did want one. Way too much. How did he do that to me? With barely a touch, I had melted. And it was amazing while it was happening. Beyond amazing. But once I started to come back down to earth, the self-recrimination and the inner cursing began.

I somehow let myself get caught up and had broken my strict Lev diet in a big way. I completely forgot everything. Where was my plan for revenge when he was carrying me to the bathtub? If I was honest, it had slipped from my mind well before that. I was losing my resolve back at the bar when Lev had taken charge, assuring the people who were under his protection that he'd make everything right.

It wasn't as if a dump like that was raking in the bucks for him and his family, right? He still cared about places like that because of his father's love for them. Because of loyalty, and because he'd made a promise. That was almost as intoxicating as the way he looked at me when I was so excited to get in that steamy bubble bath that I tore off all my clothes in front of him.

Maybe I wanted that to happen. Breaking the fast was inevitable, after all. We were married, and I was only going to be able to put my ravenous husband off for so long with the excuse of studying for an important test. I didn't have to be so eager, though. Had I actually begged him? Once we got started, it was impossible not to plead for more. He was just too irresistible. Add some kindness and caring to the mix, and of course, I would crumble to my cravings.

Did I want to be a mafia wife now? Was my head turned so easily, just by a little show of kindness? Was I ready to give up my dreams of heading to Washington DC, after graduation, where I was planning to change the world? I'd been building up to fighting for what was right at the highest levels of government since that long-ago political rally my mother brought me to.

It had seemed like my mom had believed in something back then, which made it all the harder when Katie and I found out she might have not only known about our father's dirty dealings but been involved with them. How could she act like she cared about what was right and good when she was helping my father scam people out of millions?

Hadn't Lev just recently told me not everything was black and white? What if she'd somehow thought what she was doing wasn't so bad? Was there a way I could reconcile being with Lev and still make my dreams happen?

It made me sick to think that my powerful husband could buy those dreams for me if I asked. He would jump at the chance to make me happy. It was one of the things I…

No. Absolutely not. I had to stop thinking of him as sweet and giving, even if he often was. I had to get back on track. Remember what was important. What was real. And that was not these feelings that were obstinately trying to grow and throw me off.

Once he was deep in dreamland and his arm had gone slack around me, I slid away from him, waiting until I was sure my movement hadn't disturbed him. He lightly snored before rolling over, and even that tugged at my heart. I watched his back rise and fall with his deep, restful breathing, my own eyelids growing heavy after the long day. The urge to get back in bed with him and forget everything was intense. Almost too strong to resist.

Clenching my fists, I clung to the barest remnant of anger that still smoldered somewhere deep down and snuck out of the bedroom. It was time to start sneaking around in earnest and get the hell out of this situation before I lost myself completely to Lev's many charms.

I slipped through the living room and dining area, already knowing the papers he kept on the big table weren't incriminating in any useful way. Pausing for a moment to look out the vast windows at the stunning lights of San Francisco, spread out beneath me like a sparkling garden, I had to fight the urge to give up and return to bed again.

Who wouldn't want to stay in a place like this and continue to be chauffeured to class, and have endless time to study because there was no longer a need to worry about finding a part-time job. Following Lev around as I pretended to be his personal assistant was fun and enlightening. The lobbying company was legit, and I was learning a lot.

With a sigh, I turned away from the view, forcing my thoughts back on track. The inside of the apartment was still pretty empty, very much still a bachelor pad since I hadn't had time to shop for furniture or decorations like Lev had given me free rein to do.

Any other time, I would have considered that a treat. I'd always loved searching out cute things at thrift stores to liven up my bedroom. Brooke and I had gone wild when we first moved into our apartment, searching for things to make the place our own with what little money we could spare. Decorating a gorgeous, spacious apartment like this with an unlimited budget sounded like heaven, but I didn't want to think of this place as home.

Whenever Lev talked about house hunting, I felt a yearning that almost overwhelmed me, and it had nothing to do with decorating. It was dangerous, just like getting used to living this way was. It was like falling into Lev's arms every time he held them out.

Pausing outside the bedroom to make sure he was still fast asleep, I entered his private office. If there was anything that would incriminate him enough to get me out of this marriage, it would be in there. I almost expected the door to be locked, but the handle turned easily, and I cracked open the door.

Why wasn't I hurrying in to search through his files? What was holding me back? It wasn't fear. That would have been understandable. I could not justify being in there if Lev woke up and found me. It was worse than a fear of getting caught. It was almost like I was wavering again.

Damn it. I'd never been so confused in my life, and I hated it enough to push me through the door. Once inside, my adrenaline kicked in. I hurriedly sifted through every piece of paper on his desk and went through every drawer to find nothing more than records of personal bills and useless things to do with the lobbying firm. His computer was even left on and shockingly came to life when I touched the screen. Even more shockingly, it wasn't password protected.

"Jackpot," I whispered, heart racing. I hunched down behind the desk to scroll through his files.

Nothing. It was like it wasn't a computer he used at all, as impersonal as the apartment. He must have another place where he did his work, the work I needed to know about. Which meant he didn't trust me enough to bring it to the apartment.

Or he's trying to keep me safe , a little, annoying voice whispered in the back of my mind. Keep me from being incriminated if anything went south.

It was difficult to believe he didn't trust me, and I refused to admit the thought he might not hurt my feelings, even as I was searching through his private stuff. He must trust me at least a little, or he wouldn't have taken me to the bar in the midst of a crisis.

This was what I was working toward, and he had started opening up. He hadn't told me anything I could use to pin him to any particular crime, but if I stayed the course, he'd keep sharing info with me. Eventually, he'd slip up and hand me the ammunition I needed to bring him down, just like he'd handed me my plate of pie earlier.

All I had to do was keep biding my time, keep him sweet, and I'd find my way out of this forced marriage. After putting everything back in order exactly the way it had been, I tiptoed back to his bedroom and crawled back into bed.

I was so worked up that not even his soothing, relaxed breathing could lull me into sleepiness. Of course, I should have been excited that I was making progress, or even disappointed that I hadn't found anything yet, but the thing making me toss and turn beside Lev wasn't either of those things.

When he finally rolled over and pulled me into his arms to settle my restless movements, all I felt was utter confusion. And something that was much too suspiciously close to guilt to understand.