CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO Luke

Tate's words hit my heart like a bullet. He said he thought about me too. I felt my stomach churning like the butter Ma made. I wanted to jump for joy. I wanted to cry. I wasn't sure what fit in these circumstances.

"I went to the back because I had a panic attack the second time you came to the bakery," I shared. "I was just so darn happy you were there, and as much as I'd prayed you'd show up again, I was too nervous to say much when you did."

My admission was only partly true. I'd had a panic attack and ran into the backroom because I'd thought about Franklin and how he continually hurt me. Being alone with Tate, and then feeling the way I had when I saw him again, scared me. I didn't know Tate then, and so I guess I was afraid he might be like Franklin somehow. Seems an unlikely fear after being around Tate a few times now.

"I came back to the bakery hoping to see you," Tate said. "I liked you, Luke. Like, instantly, I knew I was attracted to you."

I didn't answer with my own nice thing to say because I was unsure what attracted to meant exactly in this case. I remember thinking I'd never seen a man who looked as nice as Tate did that day. He was so clean and shiny-looking. We didn't often get men like him in Madras, and I was confused about how he made me feel inside.

"Would it be okay if I asked you to properly court me?" I asked. "I'm supposed to ask your father if he'd allow us to court. That is, if you lived on the ranch, but you probably don't follow ranch rules."

Tate was suddenly looking at me like I had two heads. I checked behind me in case something was sneaking up on me. I watched as his curiosity at my question became a smile. He had beautiful teeth and lips that looked so soft. I wondered if I'd ever get to feel his lips. I also wondered how you asked a man if you could feel his lips.

"Are you asking me on a date, Luke?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered. "I'd like to request to court you properly."

"I've never been courted," he replied. He seemed sincere about it, too. I wasn't sure how an outsider might take to our old-fashioned ways. "But to be fair, I'm not sure I understand what that would mean with you, Luke."

He wasn't going to make this easy, and I was unsure if I was good enough for a man like him. Of course, there was also the problem of having to hide my intentions from the community. I said I'd take the risk of courting him, but that didn't mean I wanted to suffer from those risks.

"I'd promise myself to you," I explained. "And after some time, we'll marry. Then you'll belong to me, Tate."

As soon as I said the part about him belonging to me, I wondered if this was one of those issues that outsiders had problems with. I'd heard the name-calling. I'd been on the receiving end of it plenty of times. Folks in town said we had strange ways about us, so maybe Tate had a problem with different ways as well.

"Can you join me over here?" Tate asked, tapping a stool beside him. "How about we discuss this courting you mentioned?"

I made my way to the kitchen island and sat down by him. Being this close to Tate made me feel queasy inside. I had a million things I wanted to say, but once I got too close, every thought disappeared from my brain. I simply could not explain, express, or even understand what I wanted from him.

"Some outsiders have a problem with the belonging part," I admitted, thinking I needed to address that right away because he seemed to have become alarmed after that news. "At the ranch, the men make the decisions," I added, suddenly realizing Tate and I were both men. "I'm not sure what happens when both people are men."

"I'm wondering if we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here, Luke," he said, laying his hand on my thigh. His touch both distressed me and made me feel amazing. As hard as I tried, I couldn't relax my leg. "What I think you mean by courting me is that we would go on dates. Or hang out privately if our dating needed to stay hidden from view."

"I couldn't be seen with you in Madras," I agreed. "Certainly not at the ranch," I added.

"Even if we were just friends?" he asked. "And I'm not saying that I don't want to be more than friends, but if we were friends, that still isn't allowed?"

"We can't have friends outside the ranch," I reminded him. "And I doubt you'd want to be seen with me in public."

"I'd have no problem being in public with you."

I motioned my hand over my body. "Dressed like this?"

"Dressed like that. Not dressed like that. I don't care. I'm not attracted to you because of your clothing, Luke."

This was the second time he used the phrase attracted to. I didn't know what he meant by the expression. "What do you mean when you say attracted to?" I inquired.

"You've never heard that expression before?" he asked. I shook my head. "You spoke of courting before. Let me ask you this. How do you decide who to court in your community if you want to marry, for instance?"

"The girl might tell a friend she would allow you to court her, and then they'd tell you. Or her parents tell your parents that she might be a good wife and mother. Stuff like that, I guess."

"So, you don't think the girl is pretty before you ask, or perhaps you find her…" He paused. "I was going to say attractive, but you don't understand me about that."

"That's part of the problem," I admitted. "I don't find girls pretty, you know, like you said."

"How about men?" he asked. "How do they make you feel?"

"I never felt anything about boys either," I stated. I looked up at him sheepishly and whispered, "Until I saw you."

"There it is," he pointed out. "Tell me how you felt when you saw me for the first time at the bakery."

"Well, honestly, I feel that way right now too," I confessed. "I'm feeling sick to my stomach, to tell you the truth."

Tate's eyes narrowed and his mouth puckered up, like he ate something bitter. "That doesn't sound good. Do you mean you have a weird feeling in your stomach?" he asked. I nodded. "But you like how you feel when you see me?"

I nodded several times. "Oh, yes," I said. "I feel very happy inside." I was pleased when he smiled at me. I felt that same wonderful feeling the second he smiled. "Can I be honest?" I whispered. Tate smiled and nodded, encouraging me to go on. "We are not allowed to do what I want to do with you, especially with outsiders. Well, actually, we can't do this with anyone we aren't related to, but I always wished I could hug you," I said. "Hold you real close. Smell you up close too. You smell real nice, Tate. That's what I feel when you're around me."

I noticed Tate's eyes filling with water. I wondered if he was going to cry and if I'd hurt his feelings. "That is a very nice thing to say, Luke." I was right. Tears slid down his face, and he swiped at them, laughing and trying to play things off.

"Are you sad because of what I just said?" I asked, placing a hand on his.

My body was on fire the instant I touched him. A sensation unlike any I'd felt coursed through me. I had no idea what I wanted to do with Tate, but parts of my body were screaming to do whatever that was with him. Right then. Right now.

"You have no idea what to do with me, do you?" he whispered, lifting his hand so he could intertwine his fingers with mine. "This is nice," he said, glancing at our hands. "But let me ask you a very personal question, Luke. Have you had sex yet?"

I jumped back at his question, nearly falling off the barstool. "Oh, God no!" I exclaimed, standing and hurrying across the room. I knelt in front of the cabinet I'd been previously adjusting, pretending to be working on it again, trying to hide my discomfort. "We can't have sex, Tate," I mumbled, my back to him, picking up a screwdriver that I didn't actually need. I had to do something with my hands, considering I wanted to melt into the floor.

"Luke," he said, his voice remaining calm and kind. "We are not having sex today. I was just asking if you've ever had sex."

I felt trapped by his question. Boys on Half Moon Ranch were given very little information regarding sex when we turned sixteen. The lessons were mostly about our body parts and where things fit to make babies. Sex for the purpose of pleasure was frowned upon even though we were told that the man had a divine right to demand sex at any time he chose to. For me, the appeal of sex with a woman didn't sound all that exciting. Whereas, with the other boys, the lessons were all they talked about afterward. Whatever they felt about girls had escaped me.

The fear I battled every single day was knocking on my brain. I suppose I could tell him I'd participated in whatever you called what Franklin made me do. I had no evidence, but what Franklin forced me to do was probably not what Tate was talking about. Perhaps he meant something in between what my lessons taught and what Franklin did.

Then I remembered what I'd allowed Franklin to do to me when I wanted a transfer to Bend. That was sex, wasn't it? The thought of Tate doing that to me excited me, but I bet he wouldn't like me if I admitted what I'd done with Franklin.

"No," I fibbed. "I haven't had sex, and I don't think I want to have sex with you."

Being unsure of what sex with him would be like, especially if he asked me without forcing me, made an answer hard to voice. I didn't know what he did when he had sex. Actually, I didn't want to think about Tate having sex with someone else. I wanted him all for myself. I wanted him to belong to me.

"No sex?" he asked. "Ever?"

"Do we have to?" I asked. "Could we just be together?"