Death Wish

DEATH WISH

24 April 2059

The day porter stared as Suhail passed, his hand tight at the back of my head, my hair twisted around his fingers. My head was pounding, my cheeks streaked with blood. I was forced up the steps of the Founders Tower, tripping and banging my shins all the way.

When Suhail reached the parlour door, he knocked with his fist, rattling it on its hinges.

‘Arcturus!’

Warden came in moments. Suhail let go of my hair, taking a fair amount with him. Caught on the landing between them, I had never been so aware of my own mortality, my own brittleness.

‘Suhail,’ Warden said.

‘Your lost property.’ Suhail shoved me at him. ‘She will not say where she was hiding.’

Warden looked at us both in turn. The evidence was clear as glass: red eyes, bloody cheeks.

‘You fed on her,’ he said. ‘My tenant is a pink-jacket, Suhail.’

‘She forfeited her privileges when she chose to attack a Rephaite.’

‘I was defending myself,’ I said to Warden. ‘He was about to—’

‘No one allowed you to speak, 40.’ Suhail clamped a hand on my shoulder, right where he had branded me. I gritted my teeth. ‘Not only has she set the city in an uproar, but she dared to use her spirit against me, in plain sight of other humans. It felled me.’

‘Release her, Suhail,’ Warden said, very softly.

After a moment, Suhail let go, but I was confident I would have bruises where his fingers had been. Warden leaned down to my level.

‘Did you do this?’

His voice was as soft as before. I nodded, just the barest movement of my head.

‘You seek to corroborate my account,’ Suhail said, his face tightening. ‘You would trust this scrap of rotting meat over your own?’

‘I only wished to see if she would lie,’ Warden said. ‘It appears not.’

‘Even she cannot deny her disobedience.’

‘Neither will you be able to deny yours to Nashira.’

Suhail managed to wind his neck in. I allowed myself a stab of satisfaction.

Warden looked hard at me. His gaze touched on my face, the dust on my clothes, and my loose curls, awry where they had been yanked.

‘An eventful return to Magdalen,’ he said. ‘Is this also your doing, Suhail?’

‘She deserves a rough handling for her insolence,’ came the sour reply.

‘She is not yours to handle. You almost killed her in March. Nashira will not be pleased that you failed to control yourself a second time. Such displays of temper are beneath your dignity.’

‘Your approach to discipline has failed,’ Suhail shot back, flaring up again. ‘Over a month in this city, and she remains untamed. She is obstreperous, insolent, and sees fit to defy her betters in public. Will you allow a human to tarnish your name further?’

‘Remember who I am, Suhail.’

Warden never raised his voice, but he could make it dangerous. It sent goosebumps all over me.

‘Be assured,’ Suhail said, ‘that none of us have forgotten.’ I felt his red eyes on me. ‘I may be moved to mercy if you show remorse, 40. Kneel before your betters and beg for our forgiveness.’

In the silence that followed, as I turned around to face him, I did consider doing it. Just do your training and stop antagonising Rephs, Liss had said. All I had to do was stroke his ego.

As it happened, I didn’t feel like doing that.

‘Take your forgiveness, and your mercy,’ I said to him, with soft relish, ‘and shove them both where the sun doesn’t shine.’

Before I could so much as breathe, Suhail grabbed my hair again and flung me down the steps. I tried in vain to protect my skull as I went crashing head over heels, landing hard on my ribs at the bottom.

I really needed to learn to shut up.

Fazal, the day porter, came running to my side. He must have followed us as far as the cloisters. ‘Are you all right?’

‘Don’t get involved,’ I rasped. ‘Suhail is coming. Go, quickly!’

He retreated at once. I braced myself as Suhail appeared, his expression thunderous. Before he could strike, Warden was there, blocking his arm. I looked between them, too winded and shaken to move.

‘I will discipline her in private,’ Warden said, his voice so low I could barely hear it. ‘Have the Overseer deal with the commotion.’

They stared each other down. Suhail wrested his arm free and left without another word, his footsteps echoing through the cloisters.

Warden looked at me, dishevelled and bleeding on the floor. I tensed again, but all he did was offer a hand. I got up without it, straightening my tunic.

In silence, he went back up the stairs. This time, I kept my mouth shut and followed him.

He directed me into his parlour. Even by day, it was swathed in darkness, heavy curtains drawn against the morning light. A fire roared in the hearth, and the gramophone chirped out ‘Mr Sandman’ – unusual in the morning, when Rephs were meant to sleep.

Warden went to the bathroom, returning with a bowl of water and a cloth. He placed them on the low table, locked the door, and sat in his wing chair. I waited for my sentence, still unsteady.

‘Come here.’

I moved to stand in front of the chair. He looked up at me; only a short distance – even sitting down, he was almost my height.

‘Do you have a death wish, Paige?’

I said nothing. I refused to allow him the satisfaction of scaring me.

‘A strict curfew is maintained to keep the peace in this city,’ Warden said. ‘It is a simple rule. Why were you unable to return by sunrise?’

‘I fell asleep. I was tired.’

‘Since no one could find you, I will assume you entered a prohibited area,’ he said. ‘By now, you should have adjusted to sleep inversion. Unlike many keepers, I have provided you with a bed.’

‘If you’d bothered to check, you would know there’s a leak in the attic. It’s freezing.’

‘A leak.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘How long has it been since you noticed this?’

I shrugged. ‘A few days.’

‘Magdalen is an old residence. The timberwork in the attic dates to the medieval era,’ he said curtly. ‘A leak may have already caused irrevocable damage. Why did you not inform me sooner?’

‘You’ve a key to the attic. I thought you’d notice.’

‘I was attempting to respect your privacy.’

My brow creased.

‘Sit,’ Warden said, still cold as stone. ‘Your aura will renew itself.’ I sank on to the couch, too sore to protest. ‘Are you hurt?’

‘I can’t believe you just asked me that.’

‘I will rephrase the question. Do you require medical attention?’

I took stock of myself. My bones ached where I had been thrown around like a doll, and half my ribs felt bruised, but nothing seemed broken.

‘I don’t think so,’ I said.

‘Good.’ He nodded to the bowl. ‘If you wish to remove the blood.’

‘Why?’ I said. ‘Does it give you a twinge of guilt to see me like this?’

‘I take no pleasure in it.’

My eyes had stopped bleeding. I dipped the cloth in the hot water and wiped my cheeks.

‘Gail will see to the leak.’ Warden clasped his hands. ‘You must be hungry.’

Of course I was hungry. No amount of bread or porridge filled the gnawing hollow in my stomach.

‘No,’ I said.

‘I find that difficult to believe.’

‘Don’t ask me a question if you won’t accept my answer, Reph.’

Perhaps I did have a death wish.

Warden considered me with a frank and level intensity, as if he could see past my eyes, straight into my dreamscape. It was disquieting.

His own eyes burned on a low flame. The firelight drew out the structure of his face – the solid line of his jaw, his strong cheekbones. He could have risen from the ashes of the monarch days.

‘If you wish,’ he said, ‘I can have a meal brought up for you.’

‘You’ve barely looked at me for weeks. I honestly thought you’d forgotten I existed,’ I said. ‘Why do you suddenly care if I eat?’

‘I left instructions that you were to be provided with breakfast.’

‘Was a second meal too much for you?’

‘Given its small number of humans, Magdalen does not have a great deal of food in its larder,’ Warden said. ‘As to my indifference, perhaps I hoped an interval would teach you patience. It seems not. Your restraint is still lacking; your pride continues to cloud your judgement. It was foolish of you to attack Suhail.’

‘I know you don’t like me. You resent me for threatening you. I understand,’ I said coolly. ‘But I will not stomach a lecture from you.’

‘You have no choice.’

I stared him down.

‘There is another reason I have not summoned you to train,’ Warden said. ‘From what I have observed, yours is a taxing gift. It places a significant burden on both your body and your spirit. I am loath to overstrain you at this stage. In any case, you were plainly not in the frame of mind to spend time in my company.’

‘Trust me, I’m never going to be in that frame of mind,’ I said, ‘but we have to train eventually. Should we not get on with it?’

‘Are you so eager to wear a red tunic, Paige?’

‘No, but I don’t want to lose any more of my strength.’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘Suhail will punish the red-jackets for not finding me today. If they corner me for payback, I need to be able to hold my own.’

‘I doubt they will accost you. These are not the streets of London.’

‘You can’t be everywhere.’ I searched his face. ‘I’m not taking my second test, am I?’

‘Why do you say that?’

Liss had given me a secret. Now was the right moment to confront him with it.

‘Nashira has guardian angels,’ I said. ‘I heard they used to be voyant. That she can use the gifts they had while they were alive.’

‘There are many rumours in this city,’ Warden said. ‘Some older than others.’

‘I’d like you to confirm this one. You’re her consort,’ I said. ‘If anyone knows, it’s you.’

Warden settled back in his chair.

‘I might be the only living dreamwalker,’ I went on. ‘I think she wants me for her … collection. If so, I don’t know why you’d bother training me to be a soldier. That’s why you really stopped, isn’t it?’

‘You are astute.’ Warden held my gaze. ‘I will confirm your rumour, Paige. Nashira does intend to execute you for your gift.’

Liss had warned me only this morning. Hearing it from him still chilled me.

‘Nonetheless,’ Warden said, ‘I am obliged to continue your training. My consort wishes to understand your abilities, as well as their potential repercussions. Although you are already powerful, you have only just begun to unlock your gift. Before you die, Nashira requires it to be as strong and mastered as possible.’

It took me a moment to understand: ‘She lets the fruit ripen before she plucks it.’

‘Yes.’

‘And your job is to ripen me.’ I huffed. ‘You really are made for each other.’

He was as expressionless as ever, but one hand tightened on the arm of his chair, stretching his glove across his knuckles. For the first time, I had struck a nerve. I tucked the observation away.

‘That’s the reason she wouldn’t approve the life support,’ I murmured. ‘She doesn’t care if I get hurt, as long as I make progress.’

Warden rose. I tensed, but all he did was pull a long cord by the fire.

‘I intend to continue your training in three days,’ he said, returning to his seat. ‘It will be difficult. Do you have any objections?’

‘What, to being readied like a lamb for slaughter?’

‘You said you wanted to train.’

‘To survive, not to die.’

‘Nashira still expects you to take your second test. If you wish to survive that, you will train with me. You will also attend weekly physical drills on Port Meadow,’ he said. ‘Magdalen does not have a dedicated gymnasium, but I will set a room aside for your use.’

‘Assuming I survive any of this without life support,’ I said, ‘let’s say I pass the second test. Will I have to fight the Buzzers?’

‘That is not the only duty of a red-jacket. You will be exempted from patrol. Instead, you will concentrate on your dreamwalking.’

‘Of course. I’d hate to be anything less than a perfect sacrifice.’

I should be more afraid than this. Nashira meant to bind me for eternity.

But holding some degree of fear was my default state in Scion. Over time, I had learned to live with it. Jaxon had made sure his mollisher had nerves of steel. I used them now to look daggers at Warden.

A knock broke the silence. A clean-shaven man in a grey tunic entered, looking as if an old master had brushed him into being. His hair was a dark gold, his features chiselled, lips and cheeks as pink as petals. He could have been a living muse, or a model.

He carried a silver platter, which he set with care on the table. Everything about him was fastidious, down to the polished buttons on his tunic. As soon as I got a closer look at his face, I recognised him.

The unreadable Pleione had brought for Warden. He gave me a curious glance.

‘Good day, Michael,’ Warden said. ‘Would you like a drink, Paige?’

I was tempted to ask for something illegal – real wine, perhaps – but I had to keep my wits about me.

‘No, thank you.’ I addressed the unreadable, who gave me a nod and a smile before leaving. ‘So he’s your personal vending machine, is he?’

‘Michael manages this residence. He has lived here for the last six years,’ Warden said, ‘since I received him as a gift from Nashira.’

‘How romantic.’

‘Not especially.’

‘You didn’t have to feed on an unreadable, of all people,’ I said coldly.

‘I will not justify myself to you, Paige. Think what you will of me,’ he said. ‘I am content.’ He nodded to the platter. ‘Do eat.’

‘I’m looking at an accomplice in my own murder. I might well lose my appetite.’

‘If so, you will have let your anger overcome your good sense yet again.’

Just to prove him wrong, I moved the platter to my lap and took off the cloche.

The sight was torture. A basket of wholegrain bread with butter. A bowl of pearl barley, tossed with pine nuts and field beans. A pair of poached eggs, split open to spill hot gold yolks, served on a bed of chopped potatoes and tomatoes.

Warden gave me a nod. Now I wanted to throw the plate on the floor, for the sheer pleasure of defying him.

Except that I was losing weight. Stress and hunger were taking their toll. I could see more and more of my hip bones and ribs. I was tired and short of breath. In London, I had been fit as a fox.

Liss had made me promise to survive, and I owed her that much, for the dark secret I was hiding from her. I had to get my old strength back, or I would stand no chance.

I used the spoon to scoop up some barley. From the first mouthful, relief flooded my body. The beans were soft and warm, the nuts sweet.

Warden left me to savour the meal. When I was finished, my stomach ached, fuller than it had been in weeks.

Six weeks in this place. Already my old life felt like a distant memory.

‘You are learning,’ Warden said from his desk.

‘I’m not going to thank you for the bare minimum,’ I said. ‘I do hope you’re not expecting it, Warden.’

‘Michael is the one you should thank. I do not eat, but I understand he is a talented cook. Should I give him your compliments?’

I laid the cutlery down.

‘You can,’ I said. ‘It was very good.’

‘Hm.’

Warden sat on the daybed, so we faced each other across the table.

‘You are a prisoner in this city,’ he said, ‘but you have a choice. You can train with me in good faith, or you can resist at every turn, hindering your own progress. I ask you to give careful thought to this decision, Paige.’

‘Fine,’ I said shortly. ‘Is that all?’

‘Not quite.’

Rephs were supposed to avoid eye contact with humans, yet his gaze had come straight to mine, as it always did. I raised my eyebrows.

‘You said that you would never be in the frame of mind to spend time in my company. Since we live together, that will not do,’ he said. ‘If you choose to commit to training, I have a condition.’

‘You’d better not be asking me to like you, Warden.’

‘No. I am asking you to tolerate me, as I must tolerate you. To that end, once a month, I would like you to join me for supper.’

‘Absolutely not,’ I said.

‘If we are to cohabit in peace, we must attempt to reconcile our differences. A shared meal seems a reasonable setting.’

‘And if I refuse?’

‘I would prefer that you came of your own accord,’ Warden said, calm as you like, ‘but if I must stipulate it, I am willing.’

‘Do you have to work at being this irritating, or does it come naturally to you?’

‘No amount of petty insults will change my condition, Paige.’

‘And no amount of tea and biscuits will buy my obedience.’

‘I seek your forbearance and dedication. In return, I will tailor your training to compensate for your lack of life support. I will be mindful of your welfare.’

‘Why bother?’

‘This is my offer,’ Warden said. ‘I have already named my price.’

‘Nashira can’t approve of this,’ I said, forcing down my fury. ‘You call me by name. You barely even scolded me for attacking a Reph. Now you’re inviting me for supper. I’ve been tarnishing your good name all over the city, and if anything, you’re rewarding me for it. What is your game, Arcturus Mesarthim?’

‘You will have to trust me. Just as I have trusted you to keep my secret.’

‘Are you going to tell me why you’ve been fighting the Buzzers?’

‘Perhaps I will, when you join me for supper.’

My aura had recovered. I was starting to feel the æther again, a faint prickle of awareness.

‘I’d like to sleep on it,’ I said. ‘You still owe me that favour, Warden.’

‘I have not forgotten.’

We both stood. Even after weeks of living alongside him, his height remained daunting.

He opened the door to the landing for me. It was such a courteous and unnecessary gesture that I looked at him with suspicion.

‘I should not have adjourned your training for as long as I did,’ Warden said quietly. ‘I have been preoccupied. Forgive me.’

The apology came as such a surprise, all I could do was stare at him. After a long moment, I nodded and went to up to the attic.

Gail came straight up for a look at the leak. She put a bucket down to catch the raindrops, then left me to my thoughts. I rubbed my hands over my paraffin lamp, focusing on the æther. Suhail was on the prowl outside; I could sense him patrolling Magdalen Walk. For the time being, I was stuck in the residence.

I got into bed, minding my fresh bruises from the stairs. As I lay there, I considered the offer.

Accepting it would be a serious risk. If I worked with Warden and failed to escape, I would have colluded in my own downfall, granting Nashira a powerful weapon. Without life support, there was every possibility I could experience a lot of pain first, even if Warden went easy on me. Little as anyone knew about dreamwalking, any fool could tell it was dangerous.

But my gift was a part of me. Perhaps it was a matter of pushing through a pain barrier. Besides, learning to dreamwalk might be the key to finding a way back to London – or lasting just long enough for London to find me. Jaxon might have given up by now, but Nick would keep looking.

Getting my gift up to scratch might just increase my chances of escaping – or surviving – the Bicentenary. Even now, I could floor Rephs. From the looks on the humans’ faces today, that was unprecedented.

Nashira wanted me because I had a power she lacked. That gave me the upper hand. While she thought I was honing it for her, I was safer than most. No one could hurt me without risking her displeasure.

Warden was offering to train me as if I still had a future. If he kept to his side of that bargain – if he allowed me to set my own pace – then I might yet leave this place unbroken, with my sanity intact.

The mandatory supper was irritating, but I could spin it to my advantage. He clearly meant to gain my trust, but two could play that parlour game, and I had just as much to win.

Thuban Sargas had called him concubine – a word I had never heard before then, loaded with contempt. I could discover what it meant. Suhail, too, regarded him with obvious disdain. I could find out why.

Long before the night bell tolled, I knew what I was going to do.

Warden was still in the parlour, poring over some papers by candlelight, a goblet within reach. When I stepped into the room, he looked at me.

‘Have you come to a decision, Paige?’

I kept my distance.

‘I’ll train with you in good faith,’ I said. ‘But I have a condition, too.’

‘Name it.’

‘If you want me to line my own coffin, you can do me the courtesy of not being a bastard about it. So whatever your consort happens to think, you will treat me with respect.’

‘Nashira is not my keeper.’ He inclined his head. ‘I accept.’

‘Good.’ I breathed out through my nose. ‘And I’ll have your wretched supper.’

‘I am pleased to hear it. Would a Thursday evening suit?’

‘I’ll have to check my calendar.’

He kept as straight a face as I did, but his eyes glowed in a way I had never seen before.