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Chapter 16

Benjamin

"Man has no greater enemy than himself."

―Petrarch

Of course, it was not quite so easy a thing to make such a decision become a reality. His family would not thank him for leaving so soon after having returned from an absence of four and a half years. Isabella and Daniel had only just themselves arrived from England. He could hardly turn tail and leave them now. And yet he did not know if he had the patience to wait the several months they proposed to spend in America before joining them on their return journey to England.

And there was something else that gnawed away at his spirits. He was painfully aware of how little he had to offer Sarah. A scarred man, forever damaged by what he had seen and done in the war, he could not even provide her with a home of her own—not unless something worthy of her could be built over the ruins of old Jim's cabin. He could not leave now, not without having completed the work he had only just begun.

As he toiled side by side with Daniel the following morning, taking down every rotten joist from the old cabin, he tried to reason with himself. He had waited nearly five long years for Sarah. Surely he could have patience enough to wait a further few months. But then he recalled what she had written in her letter. Mr Templeton had called her an intrepid female and a most capable person, the first true compliments he had paid her. Of course she was that and much more besides. Benjamin had known it from the start. But now Mr Templeton had taken note of this. What else would he soon begin to notice? The excellence of her character? The craven sensuality she kept hidden beneath her prim exterior? The brilliance of her grey eyes that even an absence of five years and thousands of miles' distance could not dim?

He found himself becoming progressively more maddened and frustrated. That familiar anger began to engulf him, fuelling his rage. He wielded the axe like a man on a rampage, hacking furiously at the remains of old Jim's cabin. A red haze formed in his mind. He could not think straight. All he could feel was gut wrenching fear and rage.

"Benjamin!"

He barely heard his brother's voice through the haze engulfing him.

"Benjamin! Will you stop?"

This was said more sharply, this time penetrating his mind, but still he lifted the axe and lodged it in the wooden planks before him. He went to raise it aloft again.

"Benjamin, put it down!"

With a concerted effort, he stopped, his hands gripping the axe tightly. His brother's voice continued, more gently, "Let it go, Benjamin. Put the axe down and step away from it." Breathing heavily, he let it fall to the ground, then took a step back from it. He felt his brother's hand on his back, leading him firmly towards the front porch steps, as yet unmarked by his axe. The hand pressed gently, urging him to sit. Unable to offer resistance to such implacable calm, he did as he was bid, collapsing in a huddle on the top step, his face in his hands.

The brothers stayed there for some time, not talking. Benjamin's chest heaved with shallow breaths as slowly, he brought himself back to an awareness of where he was and what he was doing. Eventually, he straightened his back and took his face out of his hands, refusing to look at his brother. In a gritty voice, he said, "I apologise. It is the way with me these days. My temper gets the better of me."

There was no response, except for a sympathetic squeeze of his shoulder. Benjamin took a deep breath and turned to look behind him at the remains of the cabin. They had made good progress. Only about a last quarter of it was still standing. They could have the whole thing razed to the ground by the end of the day. "We have done well today," he said, sounding more composed.

"We work well together," agreed his brother.

"Think you we can make fast work of the new building?"

Daniel considered the matter. "It depends how long the dry weather holds up. I could get some more hands to help us—John, his cousin Robbie. Is it of great import that we finish this build quickly?"

"Yes," murmured Benjamin. He had used his axe in anger just now, but he also knew that every blow would lead him to finishing the cabin and reuniting with Sarah.

"Will you tell me now what it was that had you so upset?"

Benjamin did not answer at once. He could not find the words to explain. He heaved a breath. "Do you recall what you said when you handed me Sarah's letter yesterday?"

"About her still being unmarried?"

"Yes."

Daniel was quick to understand. "You want to build this house for her," he stated.

"Yes."

"And you mean to go to England."

"As soon as I possibly can," replied Benjamin.

Daniel regarded him humorously. "So, you are more than simply friends."

"There is something more," Benjamin chose his words carefully. "However, nothing has been declared."

Daniel gave an unamused laugh. "Believe me, I am well acquainted with such a thing."

Now finally, Benjamin turned to face his brother. "What do you mean? Who?"

Daniel shook his head, waving the questions away. "It is of no import, except in one respect. I have good reason to want to stay away from England for a considerable time—three months at least, perhaps more. It would make sense, Benjamin, if you were to step into my shoes and take over the reins at Stanton Hall while I remain here. It will not be too arduous a task, as the estate is well managed by Ambrose. And it should give you time to woo the delightful Sarah."

The idea did not displease Benjamin, but there was still a problem. He glanced at the ruined cabin behind him. "What of the house?"

Daniel held up his hands in front of him, saying mockingly, "Not so perfectly groomed any more. Will you trust me to build it for you? I am well capable of following a set of your drawings. With John and Robbie's help, I promise to have it ready for occupation by the time you have completed your courtship of Sarah and returned with her." He seemed to think about that last statement and amended it with, "As long as you give me until the new year. And of course, you will be able to put your own personal finish to the house on your return."

Benjamin hesitated. "She might not want me as a husband, or to live in America, so far from her family."

Daniel pressed the point. "And you'll only know for sure once you ask her. Go to England, Benjamin, and win her hand. I'll build your house."

No further convincing was required. "When?" asked Benjamin.

Daniel's smile spread across his face. "Tomorrow, dear brother. You leave tomorrow, and do not worry about Mama or Pa or anyone else. I will manage them for you."

To this, Benjamin could only respond with a brotherly embrace. The two men held each other tight, silently expressing their love and gratitude. As they returned to their travails shortly afterwards, it occurred to Benjamin that there were times when Daniel really was as strong, authoritative and accomplished as he had always thought him to be, and that it was a very useful thing to have indeed.

On their return home later that afternoon, having finally razed the old cabin to the ground, Benjamin went straight up to his room to wash and change. Upon his appearance at the dinner table, it was apparent that Daniel had already set to work on managing the rest of the family into accepting his decision to leave for England. There were no remonstrances, only sorrowful acceptance that he would depart on the morrow.

After dinner, Benjamin and Daniel adjourned to their father's study where they sat for over an hour going through the plans Benjamin had drawn of his new home and making a few changes, such as adding a large dressing room to the main bedchamber and creating a private parlour upstairs for Sarah, large enough to accommodate a miniature railway.

Later that evening, Benjamin bethought himself to do one more thing. Walking the short distance to the neighbouring house that belonged to his uncle Jasper, he sought out his cousin Grace. He found her in the back parlour, nursing her small babe at her breast. Upon his entrance, she looked up in surprise. "Benjamin," she said softly.

"I can come back later," he muttered, feeling not quite at ease.

"No, it's alright. Do come and sit here with me. I hear you are leaving us tomorrow."

Benjamin settled himself on an armchair next to Grace. "Yes," he replied.

"And," went on Grace, "I have been told by Daniel on pain of being shunned that I am not to ask the reason for your hurried departure."

To this, Benjamin had no reply. Instead, he broached the subject of his visit. "Gracie, I have come to talk to you of a private matter. It concerns Jimmy."

Her eyes welled at the mention of his name. "I was so saddened to hear of his passing. Poor Jimmy," she murmured.

Benjamin cleared his throat. "I was with Jimmy in his last hours. He spoke of you, Grace, and your daughter. Pardon me, but he seemed under the impression that Anna was his child. He made me promise that one day, I would tell Anna about her father. Grace, is she his?"

"Poor, poor Jimmy," sighed Grace. "I had no thought that he believed she was his child." She shook her head at him. "No, Benjamin. He is not her father. Of that I am certain." She paused, thinking the matter over. "But I will speak of him to Anna when I tell her stories of my childhood here. I will tell her of my friend, Jimmy, and of the escapades we had. He will not be forgotten."

Benjamin let out a relieved breath. "Good. I am glad." He stood to go. With this duty discharged, he felt a weight leave his shoulders. He could say goodbye properly now to his friend, Jimmy.

Grace looked up at him, "I am sure I do not know the reason for your departure," she said, "but Benjamin, I wish you every success in your journey."

"Thank you, Gracie." He bent to kiss her cheek and to place a gentle hand on the baby's downy head. A generation of men had been lost in this war—Jimmy included—but a new generation would soon rise to take their place. He hoped they would not repeat the errors of their predecessors.

"He is precious," he said.

"I know," she murmured. "Goodbye, Benjamin."

With a last smile, Benjamin let himself out of the parlour. Next morning, with little fanfare or fuss—God bless Daniel—he set out on his long journey.

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