Chapter 8

Julian

My fingers glided over the keys, and the melody I elicited from them sent a shiver down my own spine. Dream was the first piece I had taught myself. At that time, I had learned it for only one person...

My fingers sped up, and my mind was still racing. Just the memory of that time scared me.

How had it come to this, that I was afraid of myself?

My head tried to suppress it, but deep inside, I knew that I could not escape it. It was inside me, a part of me. And it was just waiting to come out. But that would never happen again. Never again.

No matter what Emely or Nickolas said. I would prove them wrong. The last thing I wanted was to be like them. A unit with no free will.

I sat in my room, as I always did at this time of day, and had already been doing my favorite activity for five hours. At the piano, I simply felt better, and all the stress that threatened to crush me more and more every day disappeared almost completely. Here I could be more or less myself and also had my peace from my father.

"Julian...we need to talk."

Speaking of the devil...

I looked up and interrupted the piano play. Only now did I realize that my fingers hurt. They were no longer bloodied, but you could see the many small cuts from the shards.

I sighed in annoyance.

After my outburst, Mia had disappeared to the Campbells, leaving me alone with my thoughts. She always claimed that everything was okay and that I wouldn't scare her, but I knew for a fact that she was lying to me. I desperately needed to talk to her before I scared her off completely.

"This can't go on."

Dad snapped me out of my thoughts. One look at his face told me he had been crying.

Our grandmother had died recently, and he was still grieving. Every day, he would come home and try not to reach for the bottle. It was a hard struggle. You could see it in his face. But we all had to fight our battles somewhere. Some more, some less. I had to be a complete battleground.

"I understand that you had to go through a lot, but we all had to. Mia misses her too, and you can't imagine how much I wish she were still with us."

He contorted his face in pain. I knew for a fact that it wasn't about Grandma.

My heart contracted painfully, like a sponge full of water that you squeezed until it was dry and empty.

I alone was to blame for my family's suffering.

It was different to be responsible for your own mother's death and live under the same roof with the people who knew the truth, but repressed it.

Dad was still looking at me, but I could no longer withstand his scrutinizing gaze. I instinctively looked out the window.

A white curtain. Nothing had changed. Bayla Adams still felt like I was watching her. Yet she had been the one secretly staring at me.Actually, the thought of that absurd encounter should have made me grin, but I could only continue to stare at the billowing curtain.

"Julian, I'm talking to you. You've got to change something, son. You're just dragging yourself further and further down."

How could he possibly think I was pulling myself down ? I was already at the bottom, and I deserved it.

"You don't get it, do you?" I began in irritation. I looked at him, and my eyes had to be glowing. I could feel it. I was glowing from the inside.

Added to that were the unwanted signs of transformation on my arms. The darkness inside me came out in the shallow black of my veins, a pattern that presented not only my curse but also my deepest inner self.

Immediately, I turned away from Dad.

Take it easy, Julian. You can control yourself. You know you don't have to do this if you don't want to.

"Julian, it's not your fault. You need to finally understand that, and put the past behind you. Your sister needs you now, and you're acting like..."

"Like what? An uncontrollable monster? Maybe that's what I am!"

The attempt to control me had failed again.

"No, son, you're not a monster. How many times do I have to tell you that? You're just reacting way too aggressively because you're not turning ."

What was he trying to say? That I should break the rules? He didn't do it either, after all.

"Are you serious right now? I'm just doing what everyone in this house does. Following the guidelines of the damn Blairs and Westcodes. Wasn't it you who said something about control?"

Anger spread through me.

You really couldn't please anyone in this town. If it wasn't the witches, it was my own kind putting me in my place, stabbing me in the back.

"Julian, I've got myself under control, though."

I furrowed my brows and immediately regretted it because my father looked down at the ground, grabbed his head, and shook it.

"We all deal with pain differently, and you overreact to everything. It's a sign that you're not at peace with yourself and your nature."

I had been in control for so long without anything bad happening. Just because I had demolished our bathroom and hurt myself in the process didn't mean I had to turn.

"I talked to Nickolas... Maybe he's right..."

Horrified, I jumped up, knocking the piano stool over backward in the process, which caused a loud rumbling sound.

"Such a strong nature is rare.... And he wants to teach you to control it," my father continued as if I hadn't reacted dismissively enough to his words.

"But you said..." I continued, but he interrupted me.

"What's between me and Nickolas has nothing to do with you needing a pack. Maybe I kept you away from all that crap for too long. You need it."

So, he had lied to me? Was he going to get me out of here now? Now , of all times?

"No..." I said tonelessly, staring at him, stunned.

"Julian, you haven't been there in a long time."

"No! I'm not going to these people!"

"You have Emely, and I think a little more company wouldn't hurt you."

Now, he was starting on Emely again. Just because she was a Senseque didn't make her anything like me. And besides, we'd only hung out a few times in high school because her brother hadn't wanted me to make a pass at her, which had never been my intention. Of course, she was pretty. But we had been friends. And I really didn't want to have anything to do with those freaks. And I really didn't want to have any trouble with the Alpha's son. So, I had done the only right thing and cut this last connection, too.

"I'm seriously worried. You're going to end up hurting someone," Dad sighed.

"And that's why you want me to go to them? What do you hope to get out of it? That I'll come back home a good boy and play fetch the stick in the woods with a couple of tamed dogs in the evening? I'm not like them. Get that through your head!"

"You're fighting it. And that's not healthy!" he began again, a little louder this time. "Your powers will eventually drive you out of your mind, and who knows what will happen then!"

"That doesn't mean I have to join them. They just want to boost up their stupid pack, too, because they have to have everything under control, and because they're up to their necks in water with the other species!"

My father was silent. Because I was right. Nickolas' men were nothing but a kind of weapon against the Circle, the Councils or the DeLoughrey clan.

I would stay away from these senseless feuds. At nineteen, my father could no longer tell me what to do. His bad luck, Nickolas' unexpected luck. I would make their lives hell if they didn't stop soon, and I would show them that I couldn't be put in a pack full of good dogs . That was not my world.

Determined, I jumped up and went to the door to make my way past my father. He stood in my way.

I stared at him with a challenging look.

He would not win this fight.

"Please, Julian, at least think about it. You are a serious danger to yourself and others here."

I clenched my hands into fists and tightened my jaw.

How could my father just keep hitting the bull's eye? The thought that something might happen to Mia was finally killing me.

Without hesitation, I pushed him aside and sprinted down the white wooden stairs to the porch door.

I had to get out of here. And I had to do it fast. Before my father's words came true and I hurt someone else.

Hastily, I took a leap off the porch and landed on the muddy ground in front of our backyard.

With a dry throat, I ran and quickly jumped over the garden fence, rushing further into the forest.

My father had moved here, especially because of the location near the forest. Away from the pack and yet a little more distant from the city center.

I actually liked it here; however, this would change from next week on. I would no longer be able to just walk around without smelling them all.

My steps quickened. I wanted to get rid of all these thoughts and forget why I was always running away in the first place. I had been running all the last years, but it had done me no good. Again and again, the same problems stood in my way. It was still the same shadows that pursued me.

A sound that must have come from the undergrowth made me stop. Immediately, all my senses were sharpened to the utmost, and I looked around. But I could neither see nor hear anything unfamiliar.

A strong, rotten smell, unknown to me, was in my nose, and I could not help but pull my T-shirt over my nose.

Had I been here before? How far had I run?

As I continued to look around, I realized that I had ended up in a very dark part of the forest. I had to be far from the center of town. Anyway, I didn't hear any more cars in the distance, and it was very quiet.

I enjoyed silence. But it was too quiet. Something was not right here.

Where were all the animals that were usually here in masses? There was not even a bird to hear. Over three kilometers...

The forest here would have been the ideal hunting ground if it weren't for the Blairs' rules.

But this place was different. It felt abandoned. Dead .

A feeling deep in my chest told me to go after it, to look for what I had just heard. However, dawn was already setting in, and Dad didn't want me to be out here on the border of Fogs Forest at this hour.

While I had never listened to him or my worried sister because it had been nonsense and I could take good care of myself, I didn't want to disappoint them after this morning's disaster.

My father's words reached my ear.

"Don't go too deep into that forest."

Quietly, I continued to look around. The dark thicket seemed denser to me now, and it was almost impossible for the sun to get through here. Moss grew everywhere, and the ground was also overgrown.

I turned around and started running. Not a second longer did I want to stay in this dead, silent place where not even an animal dared to go.

Only this strange sound would not leave me alone. It was still in my head, and I couldn't remember ever having smelled anything like it before.

I drew in the air, but it was no longer there.

Whatever had been there was gone and had taken its stench with it.