Chapter 37

Julie

"That with Mady was too harsh," I sighed, making my way to the first floor of the largest Victorian mansion in town.

"She was literally begging for it. And besides, I was doing Bayla a favor."

By taking away her chance at human friends and treating Mady like some Air Quatura treated me in the Circle?

I didn't know what to say. There were all kinds of confusing feelings inside me that I couldn't categorize, and the ones I could categorize, I couldn't express. On top of that, Grace rarely let me express myself.

"Luckily, Amara resolved everything."

It sounded that easy. All she could think about right now was the Circle. But what else could she be thinking about? What was I blaming her for right now? Nothing was different.

Julie, relax.

I bit my tongue.

"She's even supposed to come to Moenia this weekend."

"Who's supposed to come to us?"

I stopped abruptly on the Victorian wooden staircase. A feeling of unease spread through me, and for a moment, I forgot all my other problems.

My mother stood in the hallway, her dark brown, straight hair sticking up in the form of a ponytail in a showy way, the way I would never wear my hair.

My hair was longer, my ponytail not as high, and we both looked as different as we could. Of course, we had similar face features, and we were both very short and slender, if not petite. But I had always been different from the rest of this family. Too soft, too weak, too quiet, too sensitive, and too lacking in strength.

Margot , as I called her, because she had never felt like a mother to me, smiled at me, but I looked away, over at the ornate stained-glass window in the stairwell of our hallway, through which sunlight dimly filtered.

Moenia was my home, even if it didn't feel like it.

And Margot was back. I had hoped that, as usual, she would get in the car with the next guy and never come back.

"There's a new Quatura," Grace gave enthusiastically in response.

I couldn't repress the feeling that it was anything but normal that Bayla would suddenly be participating in an initiation ritual. Or that Margot was standing down there in the hallway on the dark marble floor. Just as dark as her blue eyes...a contrast to mine.

"Already the 3 rd new member this month," she replied in amazement, as if she hadn't just reappeared here.

"I wouldn't have expected that, either", someone commented from the dining room.

Amara had to be back from the Adams.

I started moving again and followed Grace to the dining room, where it was immediately much brighter than in the candlelit hallway and stairwell. The large windows let in the residual sunlight from our front yard, and combined with the candlesticks, created a cozy atmosphere.

"I never thought Bayla would be one of us," Grace laughed as she sat down on one of the ten chairs of the richly set table.

"I didn't notice her magic," Amara sighed with a pensive expression.

Something like that could happen, and it meant that the magic was weak to nonexistent.

Knife and fork flew slowly through the kitchen passageway to the five covered places and settled next to our plates.

Margot's powers.

"You brought in an ungifted girl, Mum?"

"Ivy!" Grace snapped.

"Grace, she's not that age yet," Margot said sympathetically, stroking Ivy's dark brown hair. They looked more alike than we did.

Ivy was Grace's little sister, only ten years old, and therefore, not yet bound by the naming law that required us to address even our closest family members by their first names. I had never had a problem with that, because I wasn't really close to anyone here, except for Ivy and Grace.

We knew, of course, that it was for protection from stranger attackers, so we couldn't give them too much power over us, but that tradition came from the founding days. It was downright outdated.

"She doesn't have to be ungifted just because we can't sense her magic, Ivy. On the contrary, just the fact that other Quatura can't perceive her abilities can make her much stronger."

Amara sounded serious.

I honestly didn't want to know how Bayla must be feeling right now. This day must have been pure chaos for her.

When everyone was seated, Amara raised her hands.

" Habete gloriam in donis tuis ."

We looked up at the glassed-in salon ceiling with the image of a beautiful brown-haired woman holding a bowl of fruit in her hands, her robe the colors of the earth.

Darana , the goddess of harvest offerings, daughter of Moenia.

I always tried to recognize similarities between our gods and the Greek ones, be it attributes, objects, symbols. And as always, my fingers were tingling to text with Erik about the Quatura gods.

But he would probably laugh at me, and I would not be able to explain to him where these gods had their origin.

" Habete gloriam in donis tuis ." We all repeated together as our hands touched, mine Grace's and Margot's.

I had gotten used to blocking out this unpleasant feeling over the last two years, even though it was getting stronger every day. Margot stroked mine with her slender fingers adorned with gold rings, and this time, I couldn't help but wince.

As soon as we said the words, a warm yellow glowing ribbon began to circle our arms, almost like a tendril growing around us.

It seemed thicker on Grace and Amara, but not as intense a glow as it did on me and Grace. Amara had her eyes closed and her head up, as did the rest...except me and Margot.

I looked at the thin, dimly glowing band between us, then at her. Her gaze irritated me.

I looked up again, where Darana was looking down at us with her soft gaze, as if everything was all right.

Nothing was all right.

At the same time, we released our hands again, and the bond between us disappeared as if it had never been there.

"Enjoy your meal, sisters," Amara said, putting some of the baked potatoes on her plate. Ivy grabbed the bowl of fried onions with bright eyes, and I had to stifle a slight smile.

Blub.

My body tensed.

I hadn't expected that.

I pulled the cell phone out of my back pants pocket and clutched it with both hands.

Blub.

"Could you please turn the sound off while we eat, Julie?" Amara asked, and I flinched, perhaps a little too startled.

No one seemed to notice except Ivy, who raised an eyebrow. I glanced at my phone.

Blub.

I felt Grace's questioning gaze on my phone.

I felt my cheeks flush red...and my hands shaking.

I wanted to look at my display, but the fear of Amara's punishing gaze was bigger than my curiosity.

Erik must have been waiting forever for my answer, and I sat here, putting it off until I had my peace from the others.

"Margot, I want you to set up a meeting for tomorrow, 11 pm. The moon will be at its fullest, excellent for the rite of passage."

Margot nodded.

I felt my energy rising within me, and an overwhelming feeling spread through my chest.

I bit my tongue.

Where was this coming from all of a sudden?

Somehow, all the chaos from this morning seemed to be settling on my body. Or maybe it had been the afternoon class at Gloria's in the Councils District...

I shouldn't have thought about it, because my hands started to shake, and I let them disappear under the table, trying to pinch them between my legs to make it stop. But it didn't stop. It only got worse.

Suddenly my hands got cold, literally pricking.

This feeling was completely foreign to me, but reminded me strongly of my panic attacks, which I hadn't had in a few weeks.

There was something new. It felt like it was about to rip through my chest and erupt out of me.

I was breathing in hard, barely getting any air.

Focus on eating, Julie. Come on.

"Julie?" Grace touched my arm but immediately let go.

"You're cold as ice..." she blurted out in shock.

My shivering intensified, and the stinging in my chest threatened to overwhelm me. When I couldn't take it anymore, I jumped up.

"Julie..." Amara wanted to say something, but I couldn't stay here a second longer. I rushed out of the dining room, up the grand staircase to the last floor, where I entered my room just in time, slamming the door behind me so hard that I'm sure it was heard throughout the entire house.

But none of that mattered anymore as I looked in horror at my arms, which had turned blue.

The cool sensation came impulsively, and when I realized it was the rhythm of my heart, my breathing quickened.

What was happening to me?

A soft crack sounded, and my pendant fell to the ground.

And then it happened. The moment when everything inside me seemed to come loose. It was as if I was finally letting go of all the pent-up frustration inside me, a painful but also incredibly liberating process.

My eyes widened as the water from my aquarium instantly shot up into the air and solidified into ice. The shimmering golden fish now looked like a shimmering work of art, victims of a brutal artist. Victims of a violence that had to come from me.

Panicked, I looked at my blue hands, then back at the aquarium.

The trembling had stopped. For a moment, everything seemed to stand still.

And then memories flashed through my mind, pulling me back in time to the trigger of the countless panic attacks that had accompanied me ever since.

"Shh, Mommy can't hear you."

I shook my head in panic, trying to focus on my hands that were shaking again, blue as if I were frozen.

"Don't make it so hard for me..."

The space I had just gained in my chest filled again with pain, which robbed me of the last air I could breathe.

I was weak. This feeling had power over me. It ate and ate…always a bit more of my bleeding, scarred soul.

And the next thing I knew, I felt chaos, unbridled chaos.

"Just close your eyes, girl."

I screamed as loud as I could.

My voice broke, and along with it, the ice of the aquarium, so that the container of glass was carried away and shattered on the floor. The ice dissolved into water as I moved, flooding my entire room floor.

I stumbled back against my window sill. My eyes wandered to the door of the room, which had opened a crack.

Ivy's wide eyes were on the lifeless fish. Her face was ashen, as was my whole body.

Over the years, I had become used to the panic attacks, seeing them as the bane of my inability to fight back.

But what had just happened was not supposed to happen. I was an Air Quatura. Telekinesis was my ability.

Whatever just came out of me was inexplicable. And to make matters worse, Ivy , young and innocent, had witnessed this chaos.

"Julie?!" someone yelled from the hallway, and five seconds later, Grace was standing in the doorway. "What the..."

Then Margot, and finally Amara, who dashed across the soaking wet floor to me, gently placing her hands on my shoulders and looking into my eyes.

I instantly felt her warm hands.

"What happened, Julie?" she asked me urgently.

I felt a calm that almost made me want to just let it all out, to cry.

But the hatred for myself grew stronger.

Amara could not help me. No one could. No one would ever understand, when not even I understood myself.

I gathered all my strength to put my mask back on and looked at Amara, ready to find any excuse for this whole mess in my room, but Ivy was faster.

"She said to me that university was too stressful for her, and then she moved the fish tank."

My heart had stopped because Ivy might as well have told them the truth.

Amara eyed me, then my neck. Finally, she looked around and spotted my pendant in a puddle of water. It was still whole, but the inside was a bit splintered and the silver chain was broken.

Amara bent down, picked it up and put the silver chain around my neck. I felt her melting the metal on my neck. Instantly, I felt trapped. And the feeling wasn't that wrong. I was trapped in a cage of obligations in a dark city full of hostility, and there was not a single way out of here.

Whatever had just happened, I would talk to Ivy, that she kept quiet, and the only thing I could hope was that it wouldn't happen again.