18. Austin

CHAPTER 18

AUSTIN

"Should we go back to your house? Or do you want to talk here?"

Greer looked at me with apprehension in his eyes. I'd never seen that from him, and it made me uneasy. "I guess that depends on how you're going to react when I tell you why I didn't show up that night. And why I got married. I'll leave it up to you."

I looked out over the ocean and tried to wrap my mind around how long I'd obsessed and thought about all this. It had consumed me for years, but being the stubborn asshole that I was, I'd refused to tell him I needed or wanted an explanation.

But did I want it in public?

Could I control my feelings?

Turning my attention back to him, I found that fear in his eyes again. So I put my hands on his shoulders and held his gaze. "How do you think I'm going to take it?"

He shrugged. "I guess it depends on how open you are to forgiveness and to hearing me out. No matter what you may think, it wasn't easy for me to walk away from you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and it gutted me to do it."

I looked down at the sand under our feet, then across the sparsely populated beach to find a place to sit. The picnic tables didn't afford us enough privacy, but taking a seat on the sand would.

I took his hand and led us to a better spot. I sat down and held my hand out to him. "Is this okay?"

Greer nodded and lowered himself in front of me. I leaned forward and rested my arms across my bent knees.

"I don't know where to start."

"How about with the night I made a fool of myself?" I asked, feeling some embarrassment for being young and stupid.

Greer frowned and reached for my hand. Lacing our fingers together, the look was back. "You didn't. I was dealing with my attraction to a man for the first time in my life. And on top of that, you're my best friend's younger brother."

I shrugged. "My foolishness is debatable but doesn't matter now. Just tell me what happened."

He nodded, then paused before he began. "I need you to know that I had every intention of showing up. That wasn't the first time I'd felt something for you. But you were so young and his baby brother."

He ran his hand through his hair and looked out at the ocean. I gave him the time he needed and waited for him to speak. "When you left the restaurant, Carter and I stayed for another thirty minutes. We talked about you and the service, and how proud he was of you for standing up to your parents like you did."

He paused and tightened his hold on my fingers. "And I was so proud of you for being brave and wanting to do something meaningful with your life. You didn't wait until you were forty-four years old to make your own life. But, at the same time, I was also scared out of my damn mind. And when I got in the cab and headed to your hotel, all I could think about was if I went through with it that night, I'd never be able to let you go. You already took up space in my head and my heart. And not because you were Carter's brother."

I swallowed and fought to keep my mouth shut. I knew I needed to let him talk. And I needed to listen.

"And there were so many expectations, even at my age. You are one of only a few people who understand what it's like being part of an ultra-wealthy family like ours. The expectations of being the oldest, and the pressure to carry on the family legacy. Back then, there was no way I could have done that with you, no matter how much I wanted to. The world was a different place and acceptance was rare."

My head was beginning to spin with all this information. I'd never considered what life was like for him. Greer never cracked under the pressure. "I'd hoped one night would have been enough for me."

Greer's face contorted in pain. "Not for me. I had trouble watching you leave the restaurant. And I knew I'd want more if we'd been together that night. It would have wrecked me when you left for good."

I clenched my jaw and pulled my hand from his as anger and hurt began resurfacing. "So it was easier for you to destroy my trust and hurt me? Send me off to the fucking military without knowing a damn thing."

I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled at the roots to stave off the memory.

Greer looked down at his hands. "I thought I was protecting you from the distraction, and if you wanted more, it would have been so painful for both of us. Better not to even start. But now I know all I seemed to do was hurt you even more. And I'm so fucking sorry, Austin."

I laughed humorlessly. "Ya know, what hurt was not hearing from you. What hurt was waiting in that room for you, trusting that you would follow through, only for you to stand me up."

He reached for me again, but I leaned back instead, bracing my hands on the sand behind me.

"I know, baby. And I'm so sorry about that. I hoped it would be easier for you to forget about me than it was for me to forget about you. I had to find a way to live with you being gone, knowing I was falling for you."

My mouth fell open as my convoluted feelings continued swirling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to yell and cry to release the pain from all the time we'd lost. "It would have been easier for both of us if you'd turned me down."

He nodded. "Maybe, but I was a coward. You were the one selfish thing I wanted, even though I knew I couldn't have you then. All my life, I've yielded to what others wanted or expected. Never rocking the boat or stepping out of line."

I narrowed my gaze at him. "If you loved me so much, why didn't you wait? And why the fuck did you get married?"

From the moment those words left my mouth, I knew I was being a selfish, immature asshole. I'd never considered Greer's life and what it would have meant for him, or the state of the world's view on same-sex couples. Only my own at twenty-two, and how that night affected me.

His face, and every line on it I cherished, left a roadmap of the pain he'd been through. And when he spoke, the emotion he tried to suppress riveted my eyes on him.

"I went through with the marriage to Sabrina partly out of obligation and partly for self-preservation. Katherine had introduced us years ago. We'd become friends and would commiserate about our lonely lives. I had to try to forget about you. To move on with my life and allow you to move on with yours. We were each other's best option."

My heart shattered right there on the sand at his words.

I had to try to forget about you.

I got to my feet to put some distance between us. Needing some time to let those words sink in, the pain returned from the depths of my soul where I'd pushed it down for so many years. I'd loved him so much, and I didn't know what to do with all this.

"Austin! Please..."

I whirled around and looked at him. Tears were filling my eyes against my fucking will, but I didn't try to stop them. "Please what, Greer? Please don't walk away like you did? Please don't leave me high and dry, then turn around and get married like you did?"

I held up a hand and started walking, letting the tears come as they may. He didn't follow me, but when I couldn't handle it anymore, I bent over and braced my hands on my knees. I went down in the sand as sobs tore from my chest and my body quaked from the release I'd denied myself for so long. I'd refused to cry, instead choosing to channel my hurt and anger into my dangerous career.

I don't know how long I sat there sobbing before I felt his hands on me. Greer hugged me from behind. He sat down and positioned me between his spread legs. His strong arms held me tightly as he pressed his face into my neck. The warmth of his tears on my skin and the gentle sobs coming from him had me holding on for dear life as we cried together on the beach.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry," he murmured, over and over again. "I've hurt so many people, and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'll do whatever it takes to win your trust again."

In my heart, I knew he'd never intentionally hurt anyone. And when I could process thoughts again, I asked the most painful question of all. For some fucking reason, I had to hear him hurt me all over again, knowing he chose her over me. I don't know what I expected him to say, but it wasn't what I thought.

"Did you love her?"

He put his chin on my shoulder as he wrapped those big arms tightly around my chest as if he were holding me there. Like he was afraid I'd leave if he let go.

"Yes, but not how I was supposed to. And I paid dearly for it. I lost you all."