Chapter 19

Culver

Want to know what's worse than having to leave Hannah and drive down to LA for training?

The answer is nothing.

Nothing is worse.

Even getting medical clearance to resume normal-level training drills with my teammates hasn't moved the needle on my sour wish I were back home with Hannah mood-o-meter.

Thankfully, it's our last day, so the second we're done, Fraser and I are jumping in his car and driving back to our girls.

The drills are pretty standard—stick handling, passing, and shooting. It's great being back out on the ice, and even better being able to train alongside my teammates, but…I don't know.

My mind is elsewhere.

My heart is elsewhere.

The session wraps up.

After our cooldown and debrief, I'm in the locker room with Fraser and Milo. Fraser's been texting on his phone in between getting dressed, while Milo is his usual sullen self.

Swell atmosphere, really.

Not that I can talk.

That little niggling feeling I had after telling Hannah I think I love you has only grown and grown.

And being apart from her these past three days has only cemented my certainty.

Something has changed in me. Shifted. On a cellular level.

There's no I think about it anymore.

I know I'm desperately in love with her.

I've never been like this, counting down the minutes until I see someone, missing her so much that it hurts. I'm desperate to hear her voice, smell her sweet coconut scent, hold her in my arms.

I want her.

I need her.

I love her.

And more than anything else, I have to get back to Comfort Bay and tell her that.

Why have I waited so long?

I bang my head against the locker door. "I'm an idiot."

Fraser doesn't look up from his phone. "I wholeheartedly agree."

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Doesn't matter." He lifts his head briefly and grins. "I still agree."

"Could it have something to do with Hannah?" Milo pipes up. "I saw the way you two were looking at each other at karaoke."

"Yeah. It's got everything to do with Hannah." I bang my head a few more times because I deserve it. "I'm in love with Hannah, and I didn't see it until I saw it."

"I saw it," Fraser says. "Remember the first time we were driving back from training at the start of summer, and I pointed out the signs I was picking up on from her?"

"I saw it, too," Milo wanders over from his locker. "Remember not two minutes ago when I pointed out the way you two were looking at each other at karaoke?"

"Stop helping." I groan. "And since when are you a funny guy?" I direct at Milo since the guy isn't exactly renowned for his banter.

"I can be funny," he says defensively.

"What specifically have you done that makes you think you're an idiot?" Fraser asks, putting his phone away.

"I haven't told her yet. Not properly."

Milo seems confused. "Wait. You messed up your first I love you?"

Fraser swats him across the chest. "Back off. First I love yous are easy to mess up, and they in no way reflect anything about the person saying the I love you other than he may need to go easy on the spice."

Milo smirks. "Hit a nerve, did I?"

"No. Maybe. Stop trying to be funny. It doesn't suit you," Fraser grumbles. "Let's get back to Culver."

I slump down onto the bench. "I said I think I love you because I was…scared. Or I thought it was too early. Or…or…I don't know why."

"Because you're an idiot?" Milo hedges.

I drop my head into my hands. "Yeah. Because I'm an idiot."

Fraser sits down next to me. "But in addition to being an idiot, you're also one of the best guys I know. It's hard talking about your feelings. I get it. Believe me. But you have to find a way to do it."

"Nah. That's why I suppress 'em," Milo says, walking back to his locker. "Better that way."

"Hard disagree." Fraser shakes his head. "I once thought like that. But then…"

"Then you fell in love with Evie?" I guess.

"No. Then I admitted to myself I was in love with Evie. Big difference. I spent seven years pining over her, when, if I'd just been upfront about it and told her how I felt, maybe all that time wouldn't have been wasted."

"That's deep."

"It is. And so is this, so brace yourself. Because, yeah, telling someone how you feel can be scary, but not telling someone how you feel is even worse. And is that the kind of life you want to live?"

"Of course not." I push to my feet, wishing there was some magical way to transport myself back to Comfort Bay this very second. "I want to tell her. I'm going to tell her. Properly this time."

"That's my man," Fraser says, swatting me across my shoulders with his towel.

We finish getting ready.

As we're walking out into the parking lot, Milo asks us, "Hey, has Beth said anything about me?"

"Evie hasn't mentioned anything," Fraser replies.

I shake my head. "Not that I'm aware of. Why?"

"No reason," Milo gruffs. Fraser and I exchange high fives with him. "I'll see you guys at Fraser's mystery costume party."

"Sounds good," Fraser says, unlocking his Range Rover.

"Take care, Milo," I call out.

"You, too. And good luck with Hannah."

"Thanks. " We climb into the car. I look at Fraser. "How fast can you drive?"

I open the door before Fraser comes to a complete stop outside Hannah's house.

"I was going to say, Try to be chill, but I get the feeling I'd be wasting my breath."

"Who's got time to be chill?" I say, grabbing my duffel from the backseat. "Thanks for the ride."

"Anyti—"

I slam the door shut, race toward the house, and let myself in.

Hannah's on the couch, reading.

She looks up, and her expression brightens instantly. "Culver. Hi."

I drop my luggage on the floor with a heavy thud. "I love you."

"Uhhh…" She places the book she was reading on the coffee table, gets up, and walks over to me

"I'm sorry. I've been an idiot."

She blows out a breath, most likely trying to make sense of the crazy emanating off me.

"I'm sorry I didn't say it properly the first time."

"What are you talking about?"

"I said I think I love you."

"It's okay. You were scared."

"I was." I don't enjoy admitting that, but I never want to hide my feelings from her ever again. Even if they are yucky and embarrassing. I am so done with that.

She strokes my arm. "I'm glad you took your time and processed it. It's better than you saying something you don't mean and then taking it back."

"I would never do that."

"I know."

"I've been beating myself up about it."

"Why?" She smiles warmly as she latches onto my shoulders and stares up at me with those iridescent blue eyes. "You did nothing wrong."

"It felt like I did. I felt like I let you down. I…" I push through the resistance and self-doubt bubbling up to get the words out. "I want to be the best man for you."

She nods. "In that case, there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

Her smile vanishes as she takes a shaky breath, and for a tiny second, I brace myself, fearing it's something bad.

But then she explains, "I only feel safe enough to tell you now I know how you feel but…I've been in love with you for a while, Culver."

"Define a while."

Another shaky breath.

"A few years."

She mumbles the words so softly I'm sure I must have misheard.

"Years?" I check, and when she nods, the surge of heat that explodes in my chest almost knocks me off my feet.

The fear and doubt and insecurity that had been living inside of me ease off a little. The feelings don't miraculously disappear—though I wish they would—but they're not as all-consuming as they were even a few seconds ago.

Because she's loved me for years!

Wow, this talking about feelings thing really does work.

Since we seem to be on a bit of a roll, I forge ahead. "I wanted to say I love you the first night we were intimate, but I didn't want you to think I was saying it in the throes of passion."

"I understand." She slides her palms across my chest. "You could have said it the second or third or fourth time we were intimate, though."

She looks up at me and smiles, letting me know she's kidding.

"I've been a dumb oaf who needed some space to see what was right in front of me," I admit sheepishly. "Because I have been miserable these past few days without you. I've missed you so much."

A single tear slides down her cheek. "I've been miserable and missed you so much, too. And I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you how I felt."

"It's okay. We know now, and that's what matters."

I lean in and kiss her, the taste of her salty tear on my lip a reminder to always be this honest and open with her. No matter how hard it may be, from now on, that's what I'm going to do.

Because my girl deserves the best, and that's what I'm going to give her.