Chapter 13

Hannah

"I can't do this," I call out through the door of the change room.

"It's fine, Hannah. You'll be safe. I promise you. I'll be with you the whole time."

I let out a deep sigh.

For once, it's not swimming in the ocean I'm worried about.

It's this.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror.

I am going to murder Beth when we get back.

When I pulled out my bathing suit from the back of my closet yesterday, I discovered it had been devoured by moths. That's how long it's been since I've worn it.

In a bind, I called Beth since we're the same size. She'd just ordered a new swimsuit online that she hadn't worn yet. I offered to buy it from her. She insisted I take it with no payment. I was so grateful to her.

I'm not grateful anymore.

I suppose it's my fault for not trying the thing on beforehand, but I assumed that when Beth said it was a one piece, it would be a regular one piece providing a good amount of coverage.

What she neglected to mention is that it's the sexiest one piece ever designed, with so many cut outs and strappy pieces that it's something only a woman with the body of a burlesque dancer could pull off.

I am definitely not that woman.

And the boobage? Don't even get me started on that.

I don't just have side boob on display, I'm showing top and bottom boob as well. It's basically a pastie.

This is a nightmare.

"Hannah? What's wrong? You okay in there?"

"No."

"Just come out. Look. We don't even have to go into the water. We can sit by the edge. And then, only if you're comfortable, we can put our feet in. We'll amend the hot girl summer list to Put feet into ocean water rather than Swim in the ocean."

Hearing him say that triggers some reverse psychology within me and makes me want to push myself out of my comfort zone and do this. I can swim, and I'm fine with pools, but for some reason, open ocean water petrifies me. I've never been able to go any deeper than waist-level.

But I want to do this.

And Culver's idea is the perfect way for me to do that.

He's found a little-known ocean pool—one of only a few on the west coast—about an hour's drive south of Comfort Bay. It blends in almost seamlessly with the sea, but it is in fact protected from it. Since it's still the ocean, it technically counts as swimming in the ocean.

It's so sweet and thoughtful of him—and the ideal place for me to push past my fear.

I huff out a determined breath, refusing to let this burlesque bikini win. I'm in control here, and I'm going to do this.

Who knows? Wearing this monstrosity might be the motivation I need to get me into the water faster.

I step out of the change room, which is a small cabin in a row of small wooden cabins running along one side of the pool, and I'm greeted by a smiling Culver.

Well, he was smiling when I stepped out.

Now his face has morphed into that clown at the country fair…except this time, it's not shock that's registering on his face.

It's something else.

Something that looks a lot like desire.

A sexy half-smile stretches his lips. "Oh, Hannah. You look…wow. I mean, you're always gorgeous, but this is…this is…I don't have words."

"I'll take gorgeous," I say, running a hand up and down my arm self-consciously.

He strides up to me and cups my cheek. "Gorgeous," he repeats, his brown eyes shining intensely. "You are so, so gorgeous."

A warm shiver races through me as I hold his gaze. "How come you're still wearing a towel?"

"No reason."

I can tell there's a reason and I should be asking about it, but I can't stop looking at him, just like he can't stop looking at me.

Eventually, the squawks of a seagull flying overhead break us out of the trance.

He extends his arm, and I take his hand as we walk over to the pool. It's a cloudless summer day with just the slightest hint of a breeze, but the pool isn't busy.

It really is a well-kept secret.

"How did you find this place?" I ask.

"Did some online research about the best way to support someone to overcome their fear of ocean swimming. That led me to a few chat forums. I posted a couple of questions to get some more information, and someone privately messaged me about this place."

I blink. "You did all that for me?"

"Yeah." He says it like it's no big deal, but it is, and it means a lot to me.

"Thank you."

He smiles at me, those cute dimples on full display. "Anything for the hot girl summer, right?" We reach the edge of the pool. "Wanna sit for a bit?"

"No." I'm feeling good, and I don't want to lose that feeling. "I want to do it while I still have the nerve. Let's get in."

"Okay."

Culver grins as he takes a step away from me and unhooks the towel from his waist.

Now I'm the county fair clown.

"What on earth are you wearing?" I exclaim.

He props his hands on his narrow hips, his grin getting bigger by the second. "Captain Jason isn't the only one who can rock a Speedo, thank you very much."

He can say that again. A few hundred times. Because as I take in Culver wearing a bright pink Speedo adorned with a pineapple print, I can't even remember who Captain Jason is or what he looks like.

If I thought Culver's body was spectacular when he was shirtless, seeing him in nothing but a piece of flimsy nylon is next-level scorching hot.

The sculpted biceps. The broad shoulders. The tight abs. Those thighs.

It's a lot for a girl to take in.

"Wait a minute." I drag my eyes away from all that smooth olive skin up to his adorable grinning face. "Were you jealous I was checking out Captain Jason?"

Because now that I think about it, he was a little quieter than usual as we were watching the show. At the time, I put it down to him scoffing his face for pretty much the entire episode. But now I can't help but wonder…

"Do I have anything to be jealous about?"

With a body like that…

"No, you most certainly do not."

"Good." He closes the gap between us and brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. He leans in, and I think he's going to kiss me, but instead, he says, "I would love nothing more than to kiss you right now, but since this is my first time wearing a speedo, I am very, very aware of how tiny it is and how it leaves very, very little to the imagination. If I kiss you, things will happen in my southern region that could see me getting arrested for indecency."

"Ah. I see." I giggle. "Let's save the indecency for when we get home?"

"Deal. Now, are you ready to get in the water?"

I nod.

"I'll get in first," he says and begins climbing down the pool ladder into the water. "See? It's not that deep," he says once he's in, the water reaching a few inches above his waist.

I swallow. "Cool."

I carefully descend the ladder, gripping the rungs tightly with each step, although I'm more self-conscious about how my rear end looks in this ridiculously skimpy bikini than I am worried about being in the water.

Huh. I wonder if that was Beth's plan?

No.

Her plan would have been to, uh, move things along with Culver. But what she doesn't know is that I don't need any help in that department at all.

The water is cool but pleasant, and as soon as I'm in, two strong hands wrap around my waist.

I spin around.

Culver smiles warmly. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You're in."

"I'm in."

He readjusts his hands, curling his thick fingers around mine. "We can stay here for as long as you like."

"Thanks."

I look around.

A few people are doing laps on the other side of the pool, and there's a family with two small kids near us.

I can't remember where my fear of the ocean came from. There are some old photos of me at the beach and in the water with Mom and Dad before the twins were born, so I must have been okay going in as a child.

But I don't have any memories of going to the beach after Mom passed. At least not for a good five, six, maybe seven years.

Maybe there's something about the water that represents a lack of control? I don't like tumbling in the crashing waves, and I have no idea how to read the swell, so I'm terrified of getting pulled out to sea.

But I'm in a controlled environment here. I'm safe. I'm in ocean water, but the open water is on the far side of the pool perimeter.

And Culver is with me.

I slide my hands out of his. "I'm going to swim. Will you…stay here?"

"Of course. I'll be watching you."

I smile. "Thank you."

I take a deep breath and dive into the water. I didn't bring goggles, so I keep my eyes closed until I resurface. I swim a few laps until all my nerves disappear, and then I rotate and float on my back, staring up at the cloudless blue sky.

After a few minutes of peaceful bobbing, I look over at Culver. He waves and smiles. A few moments later, he's next to me.

"You did it. You swam in the ocean!"

"I did."

"How does it feel?" he asks, joining me as he floats on his back.

"It feels…freeing."

"I'm picking up that that might be a theme for you this summer."

"Yeah. Even the concept of if it feels good, do it started off feeling so foreign to me."

"And how does it feel now?"

We turn our heads to face each other at the same time.

"Now it feels like a pretty good way to live."

"I'm happy for you."

Our eyes stay locked, holding the moment as time stands still. We stay like that, bobbing away gently in the water just looking at each other for I don't know how long.

After some time, Culver hooks his pinkie around mine. "This okay?"

I smile at him. "It is."

We both look up at the sky, drifting quietly in the salty water, enveloped by a peaceful stillness, but connected to each other by our pinkies.

I really do feel free.

Some of that is due to the kids leaving, but there's something else going on.

I'm changing.

I can feel it.

This hot girl summer thing is showing me there's another way to live. I'm not getting carried away and thinking this is a long-term arrangement—as much as I'd like it to be.

I know summer is going to end, the kids are going to go to college, and Culver is going to hit the road for the next season.

But when all that happens, for the first time, I'm starting to think I'm not going to hate it. Sure, it'll be a big adjustment living alone, not having to think about the kids, and I'll have a lot more spare time on my hands, but that's a good thing.

I've been wanting to volunteer at the hospital for a while.

I'm keen to continue painting, and I might even take a few more classes.

I may even dip into my savings and hire someone part-time to help out at the shop so I can travel a bit farther afield than Fresno, or any of the day trips we've been doing.

I have the chance to start my adult life. Properly this time. Nothing is holding me back anymore. I've got my whole life ahead of me, and that feels…incredible.

"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity." Culver's deep voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Excuse me?"

"I said I'm reading a book on anti-gravity," he repeats. "It's really good."

"Oh. Okay."

"Yeah, it's so good I can't put it down."

He lifts his arm out of the water and starts uncurling his fingers, one at a time. It takes me four fingers to get his attempt at humor.

"You'll make a great dad someday," I say. "You've already got the jokes."

"The jokes I'm fine with. It's the dad bod I want to avoid."

My mind immediately conjures up an image of him in a Speedo, and why have I not paid more attention to his body before?

Oh, that's right. Because Culver is my best friend and not some guy on a reality TV show.

Different ogling standards apply here, Hannah. Get it together, girl.

"Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to tell me I don't have a dad bod."

"You know you don't."

"Yeah, but still…" He smiles a little playfully, a little shyly, and a whole lot adorably. "It'd be nice to hear you say it."

"Why?"

The question fires out of my mouth before I have a chance to logically consider it…which, I guess, is a good thing since I'm trying to be less structured but could also be a bad thing since it could lead to a conversation I'm not sure either one of us is ready to have.

"Because I like you."

I turn my head toward him.

Sunlight catches on his strong profile, and his brown eyes are open as he floats in the water. His face is unreadable, but his voice carried a weight to it, like he's not being flippant or joking around.

"I like kissing you," he goes on, staring up at the sky. "I like it when you wear my shirts. I like cooking for you. And doing laundry. And giving you foot rubs. I like…all of it."

"I like all of it, too."

He rolls off his back and stands in the water. "I have to tell you something."

I draw my legs to the floor of the pool and stand, too, so we're face-to-face in the chest-deep water. "Go on."

He drags a hand through his wet hair, and I do my best to stay focused on his eyes and not the impressive flex of his bicep.

"I think I may be liking you as more than just a friend."

"Oh."

He's going there.

"Yeah. This may come as a huge shock, but I don't do any of those things with any of my other friends."

"They're really missing out," I joke, then cringe at how stupid a thing that was to say.

Culver is being honest with me. Raw. Vulnerable.

I should be the same in return.

I want to be the same in return.

So I decide to open up about the one thing—the only thing—I've ever held back from him.

"You were right about the list."

He tilts his head. "Huh?"

"The hot girl summer list. You know how you kept saying I cut it off in that photo I sent you, and I kept denying it?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you're right. I did add something to it, and I didn't want you to see it."

I pause.

His dark-brown eyes bore into me. "Yeah?"

I take a deep breath of salty air. "I added that I want to lose my virginity."

"Oh." His Adam's apple bobs in his throat. "I wondered about that…Not that I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I just…you know. You've had other things on your plate."

I smile. "So, yeah. There you have it."

A few beats pass.

Another seagull screeches overhead.

"Did you have anyone in mind? To, uh, tick off that item?"

"No. I stupidly never thought that far ahead. It wasn't about anyone else, which I know sounds crazy since it's literally an activity that involves another person. It was more about me taking control. Doing something I wanted to do."

"That makes sense."

"I'll probably just download one of those dating apps to find someone…"

A deep, guttural sound emanates from his chest, filling the air around us. The muscle in his jaw twitches visibly as he struggles to maintain composure.

I should stop talking, but no, my stupid mouth, emboldened by a summer of hot girling, autopilots, "Unless you know of someone?"

His shoulders have been rising and falling with every shallow breath he takes. Finally, his breathing smooths out, his jaw unclenches, and slowly, a sexy, delicious smile rises on his lips. "Actually, I do."

"Culver, I…I…"

Was kidding?

Didn't mean it?

Do mean it but am really scared of ruining things?

All of the above?

No…just option C.

I don't know what I want to say. My heart is hammering so hard in my chest, like it wants to burst out of there.

Culver reaches out and tips my chin up to meet his gaze. "Hey."

For some reason, hearing that word instantly relaxes me. "Hey."

"We don't need to rush into anything right now."

"I'm sure our fellow swimmers will appreciate that."

He smiles, but his eyes remain fixed on me. "I'm serious. Let's remove the pressure and any awkwardness about this, and if or when you're ready—and take all the time you need—we'll discuss this again."

"You mean, like mature adults?"

He flashes a bigger, dimple-filled smile. "Scary, huh?"

"Petrifying."

"Well, you got over your fear and swam in the ocean. You can do it." He brushes his fingers down the side of my face. "We can do it."

I nod, feeling the rightness of his words deep in my bones. "Yeah. We can."

We have to.

My friendship with Culver means everything to me. I'd be devastated if I ever lost it.