3. Bernadette

Ileaned forward expectantly. "What is it?"

"If you think your mother will be most concerned that you are having a child on your own, and out of wedlock, then the two of us could get married, so that wouldn't be an issue anymore."

"I—" I couldn't. Maybe if things had been different, I could have said yes, and maybe in that world, it would have helped, or at least made my mom see things a bit clearer.

But in this situation I couldn't, for I held a secret, bigger than the one that was growing in my womb.

For a while now, I'd had a crush on Lucas, and I feared that if I entered into that kind of a situation with him knowing that he didn't feel the same way and that he was only doing it to help me out, it would be too much for me to bear.

It would kill me inside. It would be so devastating I couldn't even think about it without feeling like I was going to burst into tears again.

"I can't do that," I said, wondering if he was going to question it, if he would read into my reaction and realize the truth, the reason why that would never work for me.

"Okay," was all he said. "You don't have to then; it was just a suggestion."

Maybe it was just my imagination, but it almost looked as if he was disappointed.

"You don't have to go home tonight, you know," he said. "I can make the two of us dinner, and I have a guest room where you can stay. I even have an extra toothbrush I could open for you."

My heart twanged at the thought of who that toothbrush might be meant for. I would have to get over him eventually; of course, he would be seeing people. It wasn't like I had ever expressed interest, and he hadn't either. So why did it hurt so bad when I thought of him with someone else?

I didn't want to imagine someone else in his arms, in his bed, eating the food that he prepared with his hands. It was too much.

"No, I should go," I said. I didn't want to use a toothbrush that was meant for someone else, and my mom would freak if I didn't come home for the night. "You know how my mom is."

"I mean, I do, but that doesn't mean you have to go home right now. It's obvious that this is hurting you, and it's okay to put yourself first in this situation."

"I just don't want her to be suspicious. Not when I'm hiding something this big."

"All right," he said, and for a moment I wished that he would have kept trying, that he would have held me to him and demanded that I stay.

But that was a foolish wish, and I needed to get home anyway.

I stood. "Thank you, for everything. I'll try to do some job searching tonight."

Lucas stood too, reaching out to grab my arm. The touch sent jolts of electricity through my body and I debated for half a second whether or not to shake him off. That would be the sensible thing to do, wouldn't it? I had enough problems without adding on the feelings for my best friend.

But I couldn't do that, not to him. Not after all of the things that he had been doing for me, especially right now.

"Just take care of yourself," he said. "You know I care deeply about you and I don't want anything to happen to you."

The words sent another pang through me and I nodded. "Of course."

"Really Bella, I mean it."

I gave him a smile and he squeezed my arm one more time before letting me go.

"I should probably let you get going, huh?"

"Yeah. My mom's going to be wondering where I am at this point. I didn't tell her I was going out."

"You shouldn't have to tell her if you're going out, you're a grown woman now. You've been through college, you're going to get a job, I mean, Bella, you're pregnant."

I flinched at the reminder of the imminent problem that was facing me, and he mumbled a quick apology.

"You know she means best, Lucas. I'm the only family she has left. She just wants to make sure I'm safe."

"I know, I just think that there are better ways that she could go about it. But, oh well, you're her child, not mine, and she's done a fine job raising you so far."

I giggled. "Oh? You sound a little bit hesitant saying that. Is there anything that you would have done differently than my dear mother?"

He smiled, smoothing back my hair from my face. "I would have encouraged the two of us to hang out more instead of being so damn suspicious of everything."

"I would like that."

"Yeah, I'm sure that you would." He sighed, then took a step back from me. I suddenly found myself wishing for his closeness again. I wanted him to touch me, and I wanted to touch him. It was unbearable.

But I knew better than to take advantage of his concern for me. I was better than that. I had to be better than that.

"You should probably get going back home then, huh?"

I wanted to say no. I had been so sure in my conviction that I had to go a second ago but now all I wanted was to stay here by his side and have him tell me that everything was going to be all right over and over again.

"I guess so."

"Hey," he said as he reached out and grabbed my chin, making me look up at him. "Don't be so sad. I promise that we'll see each other soon and everything will be all right. Besides, my door is always open to you. You're welcome to come by anytime that you need to."

"Thank you," I smiled up at him. "I really mean it."

He released my chin and gave me a pat on the back. "I'll see you soon, Bella. And I promise that we'll figure everything out."

* * *

As I returned back home, the drive seemed long and agonizing. I tried to tell myself that everything was all right, but I knew that there was no way that it could be.

Other than the party, I had never lied to my mom before, and this felt like the biggest lie of all. How was I meant to keep telling her that everything was okay, and nothing had happened when clearly something had?

I knew that she would pick up on it. She was smart like that and could always tell when something was wrong with me. And I wasn't very good at hiding it, or at lying to her. I guessed that I would just have to tell her that everything was fine. She would know I was lying, though. I would just have to hope that she would respect the fact that I didn't want to tell her what was going on at that moment.

I arrived home and parked the car, taking a deep sigh before getting up and heading inside.

Inside, it smelled absolutely amazing. My mom was a wonderful cook, and she always made dinner for the two of us to have together. It was one of the ways that she ensured the two of us stayed close, despite her having to work long hours.

I had tried to make dinner for her or at least help a few times, but she always refused. Despite how much she already did for me, she always seemed to do more.

I often asked her if there was some way I could help her or pay her back, but she always just kissed my forehead and said, "Just be a good child for me and don't stray too far away."

And I had always tried, had always done my best, until that one fateful night. And now I feared that it would be my undoing.

My mom was in the kitchen when I entered the house. She was cooking up a very fragrant and spicy curry, just the way the two of us liked it. My mouth watered as I thought of the basmati rice with butter and sauce and all those good spices.

"Mom, I'm home," I said, setting my bag down by the door and taking off my shoes. She looked up and smiled at me.

"Oh good, I was beginning to think you were going to miss curry night. Where were you, Bernadette?"

My mom used my full name on me whenever she wanted an answer. She knew that I couldn't help but give her one, but I guessed that was on me.

"I was at Lucas's," I said as I sat down, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible. I didn't want anything in it to give away that something very major had happened, for I knew my mom was sharp and would immediately pick up on it.

Her nose wrinkled up in disgust at the name. "Oh, you were at his place. How is he doing?"

I knew the question was only to be polite, and she really didn't want to ask it and didn't care what I answered, but I answered anyway. "It seems he's doing quite well. His company is going well, and he's going to try to help me find a job."

"Oh? Is that so?" She sounded so uninterested I could cringe. "Well, good for him I suppose but you know you don't need his connections to get you a job. I can help you just fine, if you would just sit down and listen to me when we're trying to find you one."

I knew that my mother was frustrated with how unsuccessful our job search had been so far, but she also didn't understand what I was looking for and often didn't take into account what I needed. She just wanted me to get a job and didn't care about what kind it was or if I fit the requirements.

It seemed she didn't understand that job searching had been a different rodeo in her time, and with me, we had to look for things I was actually qualified for instead of just applying to the whole lot.

"He has some good connections," I said. "Besides, I'm looking on my own tonight. Didn't you want me to take more control of this?"

"Of course, I did, I just also want to make sure that you're going to get an actual legitimate job too."

My mom had been convinced for the longest time that Lucas's family dealt in unsavory practices, and here it was, popping up again. Just because someone became suddenly successful didn't mean that they had gone about it the wrong way.

"I will, I promise. Stop worrying about me so much."

"Hun, how am I not supposed to worry when you walk in here looking like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong? Or are you going to keep it to yourself?"

When she said things like that I would usually immediately tell her what was going on with me, what I needed, what she could do. But I couldn't, not right now. Not with how big of a secret this was.

"I'm fine, I really am. Just a little tired, I think."

She gave me a look that said she saw straight through my lies. "All right, well you know you can talk to me about whatever it is."

I sighed. "It really is nothing, Mom. I think I'm just tired like I said."

She put her hands up, but I knew that she still didn't believe me. "Whatever you say. I'm just here to help, hun."

All throughout dinner, it felt like the biggest burden that I couldn't tell her what was really bothering me, what was really going on. I knew that it was going to be a long, long couple of months, and I didn't know how I was going to get through them.

I especially didn't know what I was going to do at the end of those couple of months when my belly would be too big to lie to her anymore about what was really going on.

Would I be able to handle the look of betrayal on her face then?