19. Bernadette

The pain I felt was immense, but not as immense as the pain that I would feel with Lucas's next words.

He pulled back to look at me head on, then said, "Bernadette, I want you to know that I understand if it's better that the two of us are apart in order to fix things with your mother. In fact, that might be the best course of action if you want to fix things with her quickly."

Shocked, I took a step back, my hand coming up to cover my mouth without even thinking about it. "What, what are you trying to say?"

"Bella, I—"

I took another step back. "Are you trying to break up with me? How could you do this to me? After everything?"

Then, without waiting for an explanation, I fled from the office, grabbing my purse on the way out. There was no way that I was going to stay there any longer with what he had said. Yes, I would go fix things with my mother. It felt like she was the only person that I had left, even if she had hurt me too.

And Lucas…he would just let me go? Just like that? Didn't our relationship mean anything to him? Hadn't he told me that he loved me?

He clearly didn't, if he was willing to let things end like this.

So as soon as I got out to the sidewalk, my tears still running, I called a cab. I needed someone to take me as far away from here as possible, as quickly as possible.

The cab couldn't come soon enough. And, thankfully, the driver didn't ask any questions about my emotional state. He just shook his head and made sure that he had my address right a couple of times.

I knew that my mom wasn't expecting me, especially to be back so soon. I wondered what she would say. Probably something along the lines of "I told you so." I would hate that, but I would put up with it as long as she apologized and took me into her arms again.

I just wanted to be held by her.

Whenever I used to cry about things, or whenever I came home sobbing about something some kid had said to me, she always took me into her arms and comforted me until I stopped. I missed that embrace now. I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be all right while she rocked me back and forth.

The driver pulled up in front of my mom's house (could I even call it mine anymore after spending so long not living there?) and I got out of the car and paid, thanking him.

Taking a deep breath, I went up to the front door and knocked.

It took a few moments, but soon I heard my mom's footsteps as she came to the door, and then it opened, and I saw her beautiful face and she pulled me into her arms without a second question.

"Oh baby," she said. "I'm so sorry I walked out of there without fixing things. I felt so bad, but you know how stubborn I can be. I just wanted you to see why I was worried, and my point of view on the issue."

I shook my head. "It's okay. I know now that you were right. Oh, of course, you were right. He broke up with me the moment you left because things would ‘be better that way.'"

"Oh baby, come inside, it's all right now, I got you," she said, guiding me inside and shutting the door behind us. "I feel bad. I know that part of me must have driven him to that point, but I can't say that I'm surprised. The easy way out is how a lot of boys tend to do it, unfortunately. You know that I just didn't want you to get hurt, that's why I did things the way I did them. Unfortunately, I can see now that I probably hurt you more than I helped you."

I nodded, feeling the tears come on again. Maybe if I had cried like this when she had been in the office facing down both Lucas and me then I wouldn't be in the situation that I was in now. Maybe things would have worked out differently. Maybe I should have shown her how much it was hurting me.

But that was the past, and I could only control the moment that we were in now.

Unfortunately for me, the moment that we were in now sucked in a lot of ways. But at least I had my mom back and she had apologized for what she had done earlier.

The two of us went to sit down on the couch and she rocked me back and forth in her arms, making me feel like I was small again and she could protect me from everything that was wrong in the world.

"You're going to be okay darling," she said, stroking my hair back from my face. "I'm here now, and I'm not going to let him hurt you again."

"I don't know if he was trying to hurt me."

"Maybe not, but he did, and that's what matters right now. But I'm here, and I've got you, and I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't know it would hurt you so bad, I was just thinking about how hurt I was."

"I'm sorry too, I know that I should have listened to you. My friends just pressured me so much. I didn't know what to do. I regretted it immediately."

"I know. They weren't very good friends at all, were they? But that's okay, now you know how to find better ones."

"I guess I do." I sighed, thinking of the new friends that I had made through Lucas. Would I still be able to talk to them? To see them? They were his friends first and I didn't know exactly where I stood with Lucas anymore.

Had I overreacted? The hormones from the pregnancy made it difficult for me to tell what a normal emotion for me was to have and what wasn't.

I wondered if I should text Vanessa. Would she just tell me what I felt in my heart now? Would she tell me to buckle up and work things out with him?

She probably would. So what I had to do was decide if that was something I needed or if I needed to just be left alone for the moment.

The problem was then that I didn't know what I wanted. Not one bit.

"It's going to be okay baby." My mom massaged my shoulders and I looked up at her gratefully. "I'm here, and I've got you."

"Thank you."

"Shall we get something to eat? It's getting a little late."

"That sounds good."

I followed my mom into the kitchen, where I was comforted by the sounds and smells of her making something for the two of us to eat until everything else seemed to fade into the background.

* * *

After dinner, I headed up to my room and contemplated what I should do next. I did really want to talk to someone about what was going on, what had happened, so I decided that my best course of action at that moment was to text Vanessa.

I pulled out my phone and sent her a simple ‘hey' before tossing my phone on my bed and grabbing a book to read while I waited for her to respond.

Books had been my escape for a very long time. Especially when I was young and didn't have very many friends—often no friends at all—I found solace in being able to read. I would often carry books to school. I stopped doing that when Lucas and I became friends, as I finally had someone that I could talk to and hang out with.

I sighed. I knew that we would still be friends, we always had been, but I didn't want to think about him right now. It just made me miss him. So, I turned back to reading my book.

I didn't get very far though. Vanessa responded to my text within another few minutes.

Hey, what's up?her response read.

Uh, I don't know where to begin.

Don't worry, I'm here to listen, do you want to call?

I seriously considered it for a moment, but I knew that I might cry again talking about everything and I didn't want her to hear that.

No, I'd rather just text.

That's perfectly fine, just text, I'm here for you.

I took a deep breath and then began typing out the story on my keyboard. I typed out how my mom had come, what a disaster that had been, then how Lucas had tried to break up with me to make things better and I left in tears, then the apology that my mom had given me and where I was now. I feared it was a lot, and it took me several minutes to type everything out.

Then, when I pressed send, I couldn't bear to see the text bubble as Vanessa began to type so I tossed my phone to the other side of my bed and tried to turn back to my book. But I was way too anxious. I couldn't concentrate on reading at all.

Then my phone buzzed, and I picked it up as quickly as I could, scanning Vanessa's message back to me.

That is a lot, and I can understand why you would be upset and need to talk to someone. But it also doesn't sound to me like Lucas was actually trying to break up with you. I think he may have been offering a solution that he thought you might want, but he wasn't forcing it on you. I'm glad that your mom apologized, but I still wish she would say or do more. It sounds like she hurt you a lot and I don't think a simple apology is enough to negate that. But it's all your choice.

I sighed; I had a feeling this was coming. Deep down in my heart, I knew that everything she was saying was true, I had just needed someone to confirm that for me.

I just don't want to lose her again now that I have her.

Like I said, it's your choice. But I do hope that you will consider what I've said and that you understand where I'm coming from when I say this: I want your mom to do more to apologize. If she's not willing to accept that you want to be with Lucas, then that's extremely selfish considering the turmoil that she's put you through. I know you're going to say that she's just trying to protect you, but this seems to go beyond that.

I suppose you're right. I think I may just have to think about it for a few days.I sighed. Of course, Vanessa was right, it was also just a lot more complicated than that. I had a lot of feelings involved and invested, and part of me wanted Lucas to show me that he wanted to be with me. I wanted him to come to me, instead of the other way around.

It would help me to gauge if he was really sincere, and this was something I seemed to have had a lot of trouble with recently.

And as far as my mom went, I had a feeling she would continue to show me that she was sorry. And, in time, things could go back to the way that I was used to them being.