17. Bernadette

The next day we both went back to work like normal and pretended like everything was okay.

I kept telling myself it would be okay. It had to be.

I knew that Lucas could tell that something was off with me. I could see it in his eyes as he watched me when the two of us worked and I could hear it in his voice when he asked me what I wanted to eat for lunch each day.

But he didn't pry, and I was grateful for that.

Finally, I decided that I needed to talk to someone else about everything that was going on. So before one of my breaks I went up to Lucas and asked him for Vanessa's number.

"You want to call Vanessa?" he asked, looking a little bit confused.

I nodded, one hand on my belly. Several weeks had passed now and it got bigger with each one. I knew that I would need to go shopping for maternity clothing at some point soon.

"Yeah, I want to talk to her."

We had hung out a bit more with his close friends since the party, but I still hadn't gotten any of their numbers. And I still wasn't necessarily close to any of them. But Vanessa seemed sensible and kind, and I knew that she wouldn't mind listening to me talk about what I was going through.

"All right, of course," Lucas said, handing me his phone open to Vanessa's contact info. I copied down her number into my phone, then thanked him and headed out.

"Where are you going?" he asked before I could get to the door.

"I'm going on break," I said over my shoulder. "I'm due for one."

"Ahhh, of course. Have fun." He smiled and waved at me as I left, and then turned back to the work on his desk.

I couldn't really think of a better place to call her, so I headed to the women's restrooms and locked myself in one of the stalls. Then I took a deep breath and texted Vanessa's number.

Hey, it's Bernadette. I was wondering if we could talk.

It took a few moments, but a reply soon came back through.

Sure. Did you want to just text? Or would you rather call?

Can we call? If that's okay with you.

Of course. Go ahead.

Taking another deep breath and listening to make sure that there was no one else in the restroom, I dialed Vanessa's number and waited for her to pick up.

It only took one ring, and then she was on the other end of the line with her no-nonsense voice. It was comforting, reminding me a bit of my mom.

"Hey Bernadette, what's up?" she said. "I'm assuming you wanted to call me for something other than just pleasantries."

"Yeah, sorry."

"No need to apologize. Like we've all told you before, we're here for you now. That's what friends do after all. So tell me, what's on your mind?"

"I have a rather long story to tell you," I said. "I realized that I needed someone else to know what was going on. I need some advice too—I just feel kind of lost."

"Of course, lay it all on me."

I did. I told her the whole story from the beginning, starting with how my friends from college had coerced me into going to that party and having sex with that boy.

Throughout that whole part of the story, she was silent until I got to the part about the drinks. And the sex.

"That's technically rape," she said. "I would help you press charges if you wanted to. We could find him and get you a good lawyer."

"Lucas already offered," I said. "But thank you, I think I'm good. I just don't want to think about it too much. Like, as little as possible."

"Of course, I can definitely understand that. Just let me know if you need me for anything and I'll be right there."

"Thank you. But there's also another reason why I don't want to bring things to court. The fact is, I'm pregnant. I don't want the father knowing because I don't trust him not to request custody, or at least some sort of something, of the child."

"You're pregnant?" I could hear the shock in her voice. "I can imagine that it would be difficult for you to deal with."

"Lucas has been helping me, but I have wanted to talk to someone else, so thank you for being here for me."

"Of course. I'm here no matter what you need to talk about. Was there anything else?"

I nodded, then realized that she couldn't actually see me. "Yeah, there was actually. A lot more. The fact is that my mom kicked me out of the house because of it. The things she said to me…it made it sound like she felt everything was my fault."

"Oh honey, it's not your fault. Nothing like that is ever the fault of the victim. And for your mom to say that it was is very bad, especially when she is the one who should be supporting you during this time."

"Thank you."

"Of course, I'm here for you darling."

"There's…"

"More I'm guessing? Tell me, what is it that you want to talk about?"

"Well, the fact is the run-in with Camellia really scared me, and she said some things that have been getting to my head. Like how Lucas is just playing with me and he'll get bored, and I'm being selfish entering into a relationship with him when I'm about to have a child, especially because now he's going to be the one helping me take care of it."

"Tell me something dear, did you tell him you were pregnant before the two of you got together?"

"Yes."

"And was he the one who offered to help you take care of the child?"

"…yes."

"Then you have nothing to worry about. If he knew what he was getting into and he was the one who offered to help you with the baby, then it's his fault if he can't handle that, not yours. I know that Camellia has a way of getting into your head––she's gotten into mine before, too––but you have to do your best not to let it get to you. Otherwise, she wins."

"I guess you're right." I sighed. "It's just hard not to think of those things, you know. Especially with everything with my mom. I guess I just miss her, a lot. I hadn't really realized how much I needed her until she wasn't there."

"Have you tried texting her?"

"What?"

"I mean, let's be honest, it might be pretty daunting to try to figure out what to do after you kick your child out of the house. She might want to make up with you but might just not know how to do it yet. If you text her then you're letting her know that you want that connection back and you're giving her an opening to do so."

"I guess so, you're right, as usual."

Vanessa laughed, a deep and comforting sound. "Well of course. But seriously, thanks for reaching out. I'm always glad to help, especially if it's someone as sweet as you. Do you think you're good for now?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I should be fine. Just have to get back to work now."

"You work with Lucas, right?"

"Yep, he's a good boss but he always bites off more than he can chew. It leaves the rest of us working hard to make sure that he doesn't end up in a bad place. I've heard stories from the other employees of him staying at the office for days on end."

"Yep, that would be Lucas. Thankfully he has you now to motivate him to get out of the office. It's the best thing we could hope for, really."

I smiled to myself. It was nice to know that Lucas's friends approved of me, appreciated me even.

"I'm going to get going," I said. "Lucas is probably wondering where I am at this point."

"You do that. I'm here if you ever need to call again or talk more. Or even just hang out as friends."

"Thank you, I'll take you up on that offer," I said. "Bye, I'll talk to you later." I hung up, then put away my phone and headed out of the bathroom. When I got back to my desk, Lucas looked up with a questioning expression.

"Did you have a good conversation with Vanessa?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, she was very kind, very helpful too. I think it was good that I was able to talk to her."

"Well, that's good." Lucas turned back to his work, but he watched me out of the corner of his eye as I took out my phone again and texted my mom.

Hey Mom. I know it's been a while, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm safe and say hi. I've been going to all of my appointments and the doctor says I'm plenty healthy. I just miss you. Please call me when you get this.

* * *

She didn't. She didn't even bother to text or drop by or anything. After waiting a week for her to say something I was sick and tired of it all.

I hadn't told Lucas that I had texted my mom, but I knew he had been noticing how my mood had been declining ever so slowly over the past week as I waited and waited for a response but got nothing.

I decided then that it was time to actually tell Lucas what was going on.

So after work, while we were driving home, I turned to face him with a sigh.

"I texted my mom," I said.

"You did? When was this?" he asked.

"A week ago. She hasn't responded yet, though."

"She hasn't?"

I shook my head. "No. I told her that I wanted to get back in contact. I just can't understand why she wouldn't at least say something along the lines of ‘I don't want to talk right now.' But ignoring me? That just feels so much worse."

I felt tears coming to my eyes as I thought of all the emotions that I had been keeping inside of me, and the fact that I hadn't gotten anything back from my mother.

Lucas reached across the car to grab my hand, squeezing it tight. "It's going to be okay," he said. "I'm still convinced that she'll come around eventually."

"But what is she doesn't? What if she never contacts me and I'm just left without anything? I think I would die if that happened."

"And it won't." He squeezed my hand tighter, and then released his grip. "If she doesn't contact you for much longer then we can go over there and demand an answer. I promise we're going to get you through this. It's going to be okay."

I sighed, going back to looking out the window. "I certainly hope so, I don't know how much longer I can wait."