11. Bernadette

In the morning I thought I would feel better, but I didn't. Instead, it was like a ton of bricks had hit me in the head: I just felt worse.

It wasn't the kind of worse that made you sob. No, that had been a yesterday thing. It was the kind of worse that just made you feel empty inside. Like nothing would ever change, and this was always the way things would be.

That in itself made me want to cry again, but I just couldn't find the strength or the tears in me to do so.

My sadness must have been very noticeable, because Lucas looked concerned the moment he woke up. Or maybe he was just like that because I had been in such an awful state yesterday that he was afraid what today would bring.

"Bella, I think maybe you should stay home today," he said.

"Do I look that bad?"

He kissed my forehead. "No, of course not. I just don't want you to be in a place where you feel like you have to conceal your feelings and be productive. Sometimes we need time and space when things like this happen, and that's perfectly fine. I can even stay home with you if you want me to."

I shook my head. I wasn't about to put that on him, especially when he had stuff that he needed to get done.

"No, it's fine. I think I should be able to handle myself for a few hours."

He pulled me close to his chest, burying his face in my hair. "All right, but you have to promise to call me if you need anything. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I'm going to do the best I can in that regard."

"I will," I said, though I wondered if I would actually call him if it came down to it or just keep putting it off for fear of bothering him or interrupting something important.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Good." He kissed the top of my head, squeezing me one more time before releasing me and standing. I missed his warmth the second he was gone and wished that I had the courage to actually ask him to stay home today.

"I'm going to make myself some breakfast, you want any?" he asked. "I could even bring it up here if that's something that you want."

"I—" I hesitated. I didn't want to create any more trouble for him, but I supposed he was already making breakfast anyway. "I'll come down to get some."

He smiled. "Good. Your clothes should be here too. Should I grab an outfit for you? Or would you rather stay in your pajamas?"

"I think I'll just stay in these," I said, gesturing to his over-sized t-shirt and sweatpants that I had borrowed. "They're quite comfy."

"Well, I'm glad of that. Come on down, let's get you some breakfast."

I followed him downstairs and then watched from the dining table as he made two plates of pancakes.

"I don't know if I'll be able to eat all that," I said, eyeing them as he brought them over to the table.

"Well, more for me then. You don't have to feel pressured, just eat as much as you want and then I can have the rest or we can put it away for later," he said, setting down my plate in front of me. He also grabbed some maple syrup, jam, and butter.

I felt a little overwhelmed by the number of options, but thankful that he was being so thoughtful.

I just put some jam and butter on a few of the pancakes and then picked at them while Lucas ate his.

"Do you want me to put those away for you?" he asked when he had finished, gesturing to my plate that I had barely touched.

"No, I'll try to eat for a few more minutes," I said.

"All right, whatever works for you."

He put his plate in the sink then came over to kiss the top of my head.

"Call me if you need anything. I can always come home early and work from here if need be. Seriously, I care about you."

I gave him a weak smile. It was all I could manage at the moment as I felt like my heart was about to burst with how sad I felt.

"I'm going now, but I'll be back soon," Lucas said, and then he was gone, and I was all alone in that house that now seemed way too large for just me.

With a sigh, I put my food away in the fridge and then headed back up to the bedroom, where I curled up underneath the covers again.

But no matter how much I tossed and turned, I just couldn't fall back asleep.

There was too much going on in my mind, and definitely too much that I hadn't even taken the time to process yet. And, more than that, I felt lonely.

I was wishing that I'd had good friends in college. I was wishing that I had people other than Lucas that I could reach out to right now with everything that was going on. I was wishing that I had someone to talk to who wasn't involved in the situation at all.

This longing became so great that I did something completely against my better judgment. I got out my phone and texted Savannah.

In the deepest part of my mind, I knew that she wouldn't care. I knew that she would brush off everything that had happened. I knew she probably wouldn't even respond. But at this point I was desperate, and so I sent her a text.

Hey, it's been a while.

Yes, it has. What's been going on girl?came her text back after a few minutes. I knew that it was superficial, but the text and its familiarity still brought a hint of a smile to my face.

Actually, a lot. I was wondering if we could talk.

You mean like on the phone? I'm kind of busy right now.

But it's really important.

Unless it's ‘you're getting married and the groom has an eligible millionaire brother/friend' important I can't talk on the phone. Isn't texting fine? Like, come on, way to be clingy.

I flinched, but this didn't discourage me yet. I still wanted to confide in her. So, I told myself that she was just upset because she was at work or something and so she was being a little rude.

Little did I know.

I guess it's not that, so texting should be fine. The truth is, I'm pregnant, and I have no one to talk to about it.

You're what???!! When did this happen?

I took a deep breath. Her response to this next part would tell me if she really cared about me or not, and if she would be at all helpful to confide in in this situation.

So, remember that party?

No, no. You didn't. Did you seriously not use a condom? Wow, you're dumber than I thought.

You were the one who got me drunk. Besides, it was my first time. How was I supposed to know that I had to use a condom?

Bitch? Are you trying to blame me for your pregnancy? That's really low. I'll forgive you if you take it back right now though.

I'm not trying to blame you. All I'm saying is that you encouraged me. A lot. I just want some sympathy.

Because you made a stupid mistake and now you're paying the price? Yeah right. Go ask someone else. I'm not interested in your sob story. You always were a weak bitch.

I hadn't realized that I had started crying until a tear rolled down my cheek and I tasted salt on my lips. Of course, she would make me cry after everything. Of course. What else had I been expecting from her?

I tossed my phone away from me and curled up into a ball under the covers. Yes, Lucas was great, and I was thankful for everything that he had done for me. He was my best friend too. But I also wanted female companionship. I wanted more friends, friends who were just as deep as him.

I wanted more people that I could talk to about what was going on without receiving judgment. I just wanted more people who would support me.

What had I expected though from texting Savannah?

She had never been the one to support me. No, she had always made me feel bad about things, even if I had done nothing wrong, even if whatever problem we were currently dealing with was her fault. She always had to be right and she always had to be the center of attention.

At first, I had been drawn to her because she shone so brightly, and I wanted to do the same. I felt that I could do it at her side, get attention like she did.

And then she drew me into her web of toxicity and closed her hands around me so that there was no escape.

And now I was paying the price.

I tried to push it from my mind. Of course, she would say things like that, that was just the kind of person that she was. But that didn't reflect on me, or at least it didn't have to. The things that she had said may have been directed at me but I didn't have to let them affect me. If I did that then she was winning.

But the more I thought about it, the more truth her words seemed to hold. I had been the one to let them drag me to that party, and I had been the one to accept those drinks, and I had been the one who had wanted to please so badly that I let myself be violated in a way that I would never forget.

But did that make it my fault?

I knew what Lucas would say. He would argue no, a thousand times over most definitely not. For the moment it seemed like my mom would agree with Savannah, and I had no idea where I stood on the issue.

Because I agreed with what I had said before. Savannah and Georgia had been the ones to pressure me into all of it. Even if I had taken the first sip, they had been the ones to put the drink into my hands. They had even told me how worthless I would be if I didn't lose my virginity that night.

So maybe I didn't agree with them, and I thought Lucas was right. It wasn't my fault, I had been pressured, I had been violated and I had never said yes to any of it out loud.

But that didn't mean that I didn't grieve some loss. That I didn't miss having friends. That I didn't still want a wider support network around me.

I just wished that I had picked better while I was in school the kind of people that I wanted to surround myself with.

Because now the only person I had was Lucas, and that really hurt a lot.

No matter how much I loved him, no matter how important he was to me, he still couldn't be a whole support network. He couldn't replace the love of my mom, and he couldn't make up for the fact that I had had shitty friends in college, and they were hurting me even now.

So throughout the day while he was gone, no matter how hard I tried to distract myself and move away from the thoughts of how bad I was hurting, I just felt like I was going to cry.