Chapter Seventeen

It didn't matter how many times Ava saw Noah, he always managed to make her heart skip a beat, and tonight was no different. What was different was the way he scooped her up into his arms and swung her around the moment she was through the door, his lips on hers.

‘You did it,' he whispered, to which she pressed her mouth to his in return. She could taste the alcohol on his breath, knew that he'd been out celebrating without her, but she didn't care. She only hoped that they had the night together without being interrupted by air raid sirens – she wanted to spend as much time in his arms as she could.

‘You did everything I asked of you,' he said. ‘I always knew my little butterfly would be clever enough to do it, and now everything is set to happen on Thursday.'

Ava shrugged out of her coat and threw it down on the chair, spying a bottle of brandy that was open in the kitchen. She saw two discarded glasses but didn't ask who they belonged to – she doubted he would have told her, anyway. Jealousy rose inside of her, wondering who else he'd been celebrating with, but she chose not to ask. Instead, she crossed the room and poured a small amount into each glass; she may not have been able to stand the taste only months earlier, but she'd quickly become accustomed to it over the past few weeks. Tonight she needed it to settle her nerves – being in the office this week had been nerve-wracking, as she'd spent every minute worrying that her deception had been discovered – but it was almost over now. Although for what, she still didn't know.

She passed one to Noah and he downed it in one gulp, before placing it down and then fixing his gaze on her again. She took a few sips as he rained kisses on her neck and started to unbutton her shirt, making it impossible for her to finish her drink, before taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom. She had so much she wanted to ask him, so many questions about what would happen next, about where he would live and what their lives would look like once it was all over, but those questions could wait, for he was clearly in an impatient mood and she was only too happy to oblige.

They could talk about their future after.

‘Slow down,' she said with a laugh as he pushed her backwards on to the bed.

But as usual, Noah chose not to listen.

‘Have you heard any more about what's being planned?' she asked, as they lay in bed together. She propped herself up on one elbow to look down at him. ‘Is there anything you can share with me yet?'

He stroked her cheek. ‘It's safer for you not to know. But you've done very well, little butterfly, very well indeed.'

A tingle of excitement ran through her. ‘So the information I gave you, it was—'

‘Exactly what we needed to follow through with our plan,' he said, mirroring her pose and lifting his head. ‘You did very well, Ava. It's not an exaggeration to say we couldn't have done this without you.'

She smiled, secretly thrilled that she'd been involved and able to help with such important information.

‘It will be so nice to see you in public once all this is over, instead of having to sneak around,' she said, drinking in his beautiful face, the strong angles of his jaw and his warm brown eyes. ‘Can I choose the first place we go to dinner?' She imagined that men like Heinrich would be arrested as the regime collapsed and everything changed. ‘I can imagine us dancing all night until our feet ache, eating as much food as we can consume and drinking champagne.'

‘That sounds like quite the picture,' he said, smiling down at her. ‘And I would love to go dancing with you, but Ava, I don't want to think I've misled you.'

‘Misled me?' She bristled. ‘I don't think I understand.'

‘It's not that I don't care about you, but if what we have planned works, once the Führer has gone...'

She swallowed, realising for the first time what she'd been a part of. It wasn't that she regretted what she'd done, because she didn't, but just hearing him say those words, that the Führer could actually be gone, told her that it could be in part because of her.

‘I will never say no to seeing you, but I simply don't want you to start dreaming of a life with me, of some sort of fairy-tale ending. Marriage, family, staying in one place, it simply isn't me.'

‘You mean to say that after all this, that once the war is over, once the Nazi regime has come to an end...' Her voice trailed off as she saw the expression on his face.

Suddenly it all made sense, suddenly she realised what a fool she'd been to imagine a life with Noah. She couldn't even blame him for using her to get what he wanted, because she'd been a willing participant – and he was right, he'd never made her any promises.

‘Don't look at me like that, Ava,' Noah said, running his finger down her bare arm. ‘I've never hidden who I was to you. I thought you understood, that you knew what this was. It doesn't mean that I don't care for you, because I do.'

She glanced away for a moment, not wanting him to see her tears. ‘I thought there was something more between us, I thought—' Ava stopped speaking when she saw the look on his face. She did not want to be the object of his pity. In fact, she refused to be.

‘This has been fun, very fun in fact. But you didn't expect me to—'

‘Of course not. I'm still engaged to Heinrich, I always knew this wasn't anything serious.' She was lying of course; in her mind she barely acknowledged the fact that she was still engaged to be married, and she'd thought Noah had fallen for her, as she had him. She'd dreamed of spending the rest of her life with Noah once all this was over, had imagined spending every night in his arms instead of only for stolen moments.

Hanna had tried to warn her, and so had David, but she'd refused to listen to them, believing that they simply didn't understand. It appeared that she was the one who hadn't understood. Noah had needed her, and now he didn't. It was as simple as that, no matter how he tried to sugar-coat it.

Ava stood, taking the sheet with her and keeping it wrapped around her body, no longer wanting him to see her naked. Her skin was crawling, making her wish she'd never given her body to him, never fallen for the sweet words that had fallen so casually from his lips.

‘Come back to bed,' he said, reaching an arm out to her.

‘Can I ask you one thing?' she said, turning back to look at him.

Noah placed a cigarette between his lips and lifted a match to light it. He propped himself up on the pillow as he blew smoke into the air.

‘If I hadn't been able to access information for you, if I hadn't—'

‘Ava, don't. Don't ruin what we had by saying things like that. I don't want this to be the last time we see each other, I was only trying to explain—'

She shifted uncomfortably, unsure what to think, or how to feel.

‘Ava, come here,' he said, patting the bed beside him.

When she didn't move, he smiled, his face softening.

‘Please.'

She hesitated for a moment, clutching the sheet tight to her chest as she slowly walked forward and sat, careful not to touch him. But when he reached up to stroke her hair, and then trailed his fingers down her face, she found it impossible to pull away.

‘Tell me, do you believe in the cause? In what we're doing?'

Ava nodded.

‘And you want our country to change? You want this war to end? To rid Germany of evil?'

‘Of course.'

‘I didn't deceive you into doing anything, Ava. I always told you the risks. I approached you because you were already part of this world, and I thought that I could encourage you to do more.' Noah grinned. ‘I've loved every moment I've spent with you, but I'm trying to be honest about who I am. Don't let that taint what we shared, just because we both see different things in our future.'

It didn't necessarily make her feel any better, but he was right. She had been a willing participant, and if she'd only done it all to please him, then she was the fool, not Noah. He hadn't made her any promises; she'd simply fantasised about the life they could have together, believing that he would want the same as her. She could see now that she'd simply been naive.

‘I will never forget the part you played in this, what you risked to help us.' His smile was kind. ‘You may well be the bravest woman I'll ever meet.'

She wished she didn't feel so heartbroken, but she couldn't help it. He was right, she had done this because she believed in putting an end to fascism, but it didn't stop her from wishing that Noah felt for her the same way she felt for him.

When he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers, she didn't pull away, savouring the taste of his mouth as it lingered over hers, knowing it would be the last time.

When Ava arrived home, she let herself quietly into the apartment and started to walk directly to her bedroom. But she hadn't expected someone to call out to her from the dark.

‘Ava?'

She stopped and squinted, making out Hanna sitting in one of the armchairs.

‘What are you still doing up?' she asked, pleased it was dark so that her sister couldn't see her tear-streaked face.

‘I was waiting for you,' she said. ‘Papa has gone to bed, he wasn't feeling well, but—'

‘What happened? Did the morphine work like last time?'

‘It did, but I don't know how long it will keep working for, or how long we can keep hiding what's wrong. He needs to see a doctor.'

She moved closer to Ava, seeing how worried she looked.

‘Ava, he was angry about the work you're doing with Noah. He wouldn't tell me what was going on, but he said Noah had asked too much of you, that you shouldn't have—'

‘When he asked me to join you all, to change sides and support the work you were all doing, he never said there would be a limit to my involvement.'

‘Maybe not, but he expected the chain of command to be followed. He expected to be in control of whatever you were being asked to do.' Hanna sighed. ‘Please can you tell me what you're involved in? Father wouldn't tell me, and I can only guess that it's something big.'

The last thing that Ava wanted was to argue with her sister, especially after the night she'd had.

‘I honestly don't know, Noah never told me. He said it was better if I didn't know, but I'm starting to wonder...'

Hanna grabbed her hand. ‘Wonder what? Ava, tell me!'

She took a long, slow breath. ‘I think they could be planning to assassinate the Führer,' she whispered into Hanna's ear. ‘I don't know for certain, but everything Noah said, the information he wanted on where Hitler would be, it all points to that.'

‘How many other people have access to the diary?' Hanna asked, standing now. ‘How many others, with the exception of you, will be questioned if whatever is planned goes wrong? You truly believe that's what they could be planning?'

Ava nodded.

‘What if Papa can't take the fall for you on this?'

Ava took a deep breath. ‘I don't want him to take the fall for me,' she said. ‘I knew what I was doing, I—'

‘But did you? Know what you were doing?' Hanna asked, sounding exasperated. ‘Did Noah truly explain to you how dangerous whatever all this was, did he truly—'

Ava couldn't hold back her emotions any longer. She burst into tears, turning away from Hanna, embarrassed that she'd broken down in front of her.

‘Ava!' Hanna's arms were around her, holding her, loving her as her sister's legs threatened to give way. Ava clung to her sister, needing her now more than ever despite how much she'd tried to push her away. ‘What's wrong? Tell me why you're crying.'

‘It's over between me and Noah.'

Hanna was quiet for a while, but her hands kept moving in circles on Ava's back.

‘I have every reason to believe he cared for you very much, Ava,' Hanna eventually said. ‘But Noah is complicated. Sometimes men like him, who are so focused on the work they're doing, they don't have the ability to commit themselves or fall in love.'

‘I can't even hate him,' Ava said. ‘How can I hate a man who's trying to put an end to such evil?'

‘Would you have done it if our father had asked you to?'

Ava nodded. ‘Of course. Without question.'

‘Then that's what you need to remind yourself. You did this because you believe in the cause, because you've chosen to be part of this. It didn't matter whether Noah asked you, or Papa, or someone else. And eventually, you might even remember your time with him fondly, when it doesn't hurt so much.'

She nodded. Hanna was right. The fact that Noah had broken her heart had nothing to do with what she'd been part of; she needed to grieve him without losing sight of how influential she'd been in helping the resistance.

‘I'm still angry with you,' Hanna whispered, pulling her close again and hugging her. ‘But I'm proud of you, too.'

‘Will Papa forgive me?' she asked, when Hanna finally let her go.

‘I think he's incredibly proud of everything you've done,' she said. ‘He only wishes that you weren't so involved. I think he regrets ever asking you to help.' Hanna stared at her for a long moment.

‘Hanna, I keep thinking about the way Heinrich asked Papa the other night whether he was well,' she said. ‘You don't think he knows Papa's sick, do you? Do you think he suspects something, or that he's trying to find out more about Eliana?'

She saw the shiver that ran through her sister's body. ‘I hope not. If that man turns on us, if he finds out anything that would point to us being traitors...'

Hanna didn't need to finish her sentence for Ava to imagine what would happen. But when her sister cleared her throat, she realised she had more to say.

‘Ava, that night you discovered the Goldmans in our attic, you asked me whether I was hiding anything else from you,' Hanna said, her eyes wide as she met Ava's. ‘I didn't tell you the truth.'

Ava waited, holding her breath as her sister's eyes filled with tears. She watched as she blinked them away, wondering what other secret there could possibly be.

‘The car that killed Hugo and Michael...' Hanna began, her voice faltering until Ava put an arm around her, knowing how hard it was for her to talk about her son and husband. ‘Goebbels was there. It was his driver, him and another party official, and they drove away as if they'd hit a stray dog in the street. I watched as he inspected the scene and then left.'

Ava's heart ached as her sister cried, and she held her, wishing she'd known but also understanding how much pain Hanna was in by recounting that day.

‘Mama and Papa know the truth?' she asked. ‘You've told them.'

Hanna nodded. ‘I'm sorry. They felt it was better than we keep it a secret, but I can see now that it was a mistake to keep it from you.'

Ava refused to be hurt. So much had changed over the past few months; she was a different woman to the one she'd been then. ‘Does he know? That it was your family that day?'

Hanna shrugged. ‘Honestly? I don't know. Sometimes I think that he does know, almost as if he's taunting me with it, waiting for me to say something when I see him. But in truth I think that's my imagination.'

‘Thank you for telling me,' Ava said, as Hanna held her hand. ‘No more secrets though. From now on, we tell each other everything.'

Hanna squeezed her fingers, blinking away fresh tears. ‘No more secrets. I promise.'