23. Clarry

CLARRY

As I pulled a tub of Very Cherry Berry Dairy Delight out of the cool room and placed it in the display counter—my heart still sad for Mavis but my mind fixed on River and the plans we'd made for dinner and a DVD at my place that night—I was somewhat surprised to see who was walking up to the parlor.

"Dwight? What are you doing in town?"

"Clarence, my boy. Are you well? How's that man of yours? I hope he's feeling better."

"He's good. We're good. Everything is good… except Mavis. Did she tell you about the Ritz?"

"She did. As a matter of fact, that's why I'm here."

"Oh?"

"U-huh. I've come to get an ice cream to cheer her up. She said you know her favorite flavor."

"I sure do. Marlon Brando Brandy Snaps, a flavor I invented just for her."

"Sounds fabulous. I'll take two."

I scooped the ice cream into two cones and handed them to Dwight. In turn he handed me a twenty-dollar bill. "Thank you, Clarence. Keep the change. "

As he turned and walked away, I noticed he'd placed more than just money in my hands. There were also two notes neatly folded, one with my name written on the outside, and one with River's name on it.

I was about to open the note addressed to me when I heard my name being hollered down the street. "Clarry Pinkerton! Have you made my batch of Nutty Nougat Prune Surprise yet? You better have, or there'll be trouble."

I looked up to see Mrs. Roper storming down the street toward the parlor.

"Oh applecrabs!" I muttered to myself.

I thumbed open the note, curious and desperate to read it before Mrs. Roper dampened my day with the bucket of abuse she was about to throw at me.

"Clarry Pinkerton! Are you listening to me?" I glanced up to see she was waving her fist now, then glanced down at the note.

It was written in Mavis's handwriting.

My darling Clarence, I've decided to take matters into my own hands and bring the curtains down early. If it's time to say adieu to the Ritz, then Anything Goes!

All my love, Mavis

I felt a sinking feeling inside. "What does she mean by that?" I muttered to myself.

"Clarry Pinkerton, did you hear me?!" Mrs. Roper was at the counter, screaming at me. "Where's my Nutty Nougat Prune Surprise?"

"Mrs. Roper, I don't have time to deal with this right now."

I flipped open the note addressed to River.

I didn't recognize the handwriting, I didn't know who it was from until I read it .

Dear PFC Raven, as a fellow brother-in-arms I respectfully request that you steer well clear of the Ritz today. I've triggered your pain once before, I have no intention of doing it again.

All the best, Dynamite Dwight

I felt my blood run cold. "Oh no."

"Clarry, are you listening to me, dammit? I want my ice cream."

I ignored Mrs. Roper and shoved the notes into my pocket, not even bothering to close the counter before bolting out the side door of the parlor.

I jumped onto Bessie, ready to ride my ice cream cart faster than it had ever been ridden before, when Mrs. Roper stormed around the side of the parlor and stood in front of me.

"Where do you think you're going? You can't run away from me. I want my Nutty Nougat Prune Surprise!"

Just like a stick of dynamite about to blow, my fuse finally fizzled down to its last inch. "With all due respect, Mrs. Roper, you need to get the FUCK out of my way! Now step aside!"

From the look on her face, I wasn't sure if I'd given Mrs. Roper a coronary or not. All I knew was I startled her enough to make her stagger out of my way.

I stood on the pedals.

My legs pumped harder than they had ever pumped before.

As Bessie hurtled up Riverside Promenade, I had to decide whether to turn toward the Ritz to stop whatever was going on, or turn right onto Main Street Bridge to warn River to stay away from the theater.

"River," I breathed. "I have to look after River first."

I turned right onto the bridge .

I powered across it, rambling along the park and screeching to a halt in front of Raven's General Store .

Huffing and puffing I bolted up the stairs.

I practically fell through the door, panting, "Mr. Raven! Mr. Raven! Is River here?"

"Clarry? Are you okay?"

"Is River here?!"

"No. He's next door at Mike's, working. What's going on?"

"I'll explain later. If you see him, tell him not to go near the Ritz," I called, hurrying out the door.

I sprinted to Mike's Mechanic Shop next door.

I stumbled inside the workshop, almost crashing straight into Mike as I panted, "River! Where's River?"

Mike looked at me, confused and alarmed. "He's not here. He'll be back soon. Clarry, are you okay?"

I grabbed the note from Dwight out of my pocket and shoved it into Mike's hand. "Give him this when he gets back. Tell him to stay away from the Ritz."

I turned and bolted back to Bessie.

From behind me I heard Mike call out, "Clarry! Is everything okay? What's going on?"

I didn't have time to answer.

I pumped the pedals once more, knowing I had to get to the Ritz before something disastrous happened.

On Main Street Bridge I swerved before an oncoming car.

I ring-a-ding-dinged Bessie's bell, sped off the bridge then happened to glance left. Out the front of Pascal's Patisserie I spotted Lonnie and Ronnie serving a table of customers.

Quickly I veered in their direction and skidded to a halt out front. "Lonnie, Ronnie! Call Harry! We've got an emergency at the Ritz!"

Lonnie smiled and waved her waiter's pad at me. "Oh hey, Clarry! How are you, dear? "

Ronnie decided to practice his French on me. " Bonjour Monsieur Clarence! Croissant? "

"No, I don't want a croissant! Call Harry! Call the entire volunteer Fire Department! We need the fire truck… now!"

Suddenly the message sank in and the married couple went into a panic.

"Oh Lord, it's a code red!" shrieked Lonnie.

"Duck and cover, everyone. Duck and cover!" exclaimed Ronnie.

"Just get the phone, dear!" shouted Lonnie. "Call Harry!"

I powered back up the street, leaving Lonnie and Ronnie to get help as I turned the handlebars left and raced toward the Ritz.

As the building came into view, I saw Dwight a safe distance from the theater, a stack of empty TNT crates beside him. He was toying with some kind of device as I steered Bessie toward him, leaping off my bicycle before stumbling and reeling and tripping my way to him.

"Dy-Dy-Dynamite!" I could barely breathe let alone talk. "Dynamite Dwight… wh-what are you doing?"

Dwight saw me and a smile spread from ear to ear. "Clarence! You've come to see the grand finale!"

"Grand finale? What are you talking about? What are you doing?"

"What does it look like we're doing? Mavis and I are going to blow the Ritz to kingdom come."

"You're what? "

"It was Mavis's idea. She doesn't want bulldozers and wrecking balls smashing this place into a pile of rubble and dust. She wants a climax, a showstopper, a real song and dance to end it all." He held up the device in his hand. "And so, I've wired the entire building with explosives."

"You haven't!"

"Indeed I have. This here in my hand is the master remote control. When I press this button here," he said, pointing to a large red button beside a timer. "It will activate the twelve bombs I've positioned throughout the building. Each timer is synchronized and set for ten minutes. When time's up… Kaboomy! "

" Kaboomy? Dwight, you can't just kaboomy an entire building. It's illegal!"

"Clarence, it's fine. I know what I'm doing."

"Dwight, this isn't the same as your definition of going fishing. Someone could get seriously hurt."

"Nobody's going to get hurt so long as they stay clear of the building."

"Then where's Mavis?"

"Well, actually, she's in the building. But relax, I haven't activated the timer yet."

"Who cares? We need to get her out of there! Why is she even in there?"

"She wanted to save some of her favorite reels."

"She's in the projection room? We need to get her out of there, now."

I moved to head for the building, but as I did Dwight tried to pull me back…

And as he did…

He dropped the device in his hand.

It landed on the ground, and with a sharp beep the red button lit up.

Dwight snatched the device off the ground and we both looked at it.

The ten-minute timer had started counting down.

9:58

9:57

9:56

I gasped.

Dwight didn't seem fazed at all. "Chill, Clarence. There's a kill switch. All good explosives come with a kill switch."

"Oh phew," I breathed .

Dwight opened a small panel in the lower half of the device and pointed to a button that read Kill Switch . "See? It's even in English."

He hit the button.

The timer continued ticking down.

9:41

9:40

9:39

"It's not working," I said, panic in my voice.

Dwight hit the button again. "It should work."

9:35

9:34

9:33

"Dwight, it's not working!"

He hit the button again… and again… and again.

The seconds kept ticking away.

Dwight looked up at me, wide-eyed. "I think I need to go find my Goddess of Happiness."

I nodded. "I know the fastest way to the projection room. I'm coming with you."