14. River

RIVER

I'd arrived at a secluded spot along the river where I knew the water was deep enough for fishing and the trout were plenty. I made one trip along the short forest trail from the pickup to the river, lugging the fishing gear and lantern and camping rucksack. On the second trip, I tugged off my shirt, tucked it into the hem of my shorts, and hoisted the canoe over my head, carrying it to the river and sliding it onto the pebbly bank with a whoosh of wood gliding over the stones, an inviting sound if ever I'd heard one.

I couldn't wait to get back in touch with nature again, just like I'd done for the past two years; just like I'd done all my life really. My boyhood years were packed with memories of the woods and this river that meandered so gently through it. I laughed as the memory of taking Clarry fishing bubbled to the surface once again. For every fish I caught, he came up with a name and a backstory of their family and their little underwater home until I felt guilty enough to throw them back in.

I remember thinking how I went home so empty-handed, yet so full-hearted.

Clarry always left my heart feeling full.

I hoped he was okay.

I hoped that this time apart might give him the space he needed to come back to me, to realize that the incident with Roxanne meant nothing. That he had nothing to worry about, because he was the one I truly lov—

"There it is again."

I spoke aloud. As though the words needed to be heard to make any sense of them. "There's that thought again. That I'm… in love… with Clarry."

I looked left, staring vacantly at the water skimming over a boulder that had been sitting in the same spot for a million years.

I gazed right, focusing on a butterfly that flapped over the running water and fluttered into the sky, flying free for its few precious days in the sun.

And all I could think was—somewhere in time, between that boulder and the butterfly, "Is me and Clarry… Clarry and me… us ."

A great breath escaped me, as though my lungs suddenly needed to push out years and years of denial and unawareness and sheer stupidity.

All the times I needed to be with him, talk to him, protect him, wipe away his tears, see his smile, hear his laugh, feel him close… that was…

"Love? Am I really in love with my best friend?"

And just as importantly…

"Is he in love with me?"

The evidence began stacking up in my head, faster than I could stop it.

The moment he almost kissed me after he fainted on the floor of the parlor.

The insecurities over Roxanne making a move on me.

The need for both of us to constantly want to be near each other, yet unable to properly connect, as though something between us needed to budge, needed to break, needed to …

"Bend." I began to pant. With fear, with relief, with joy. "Oh my God. Could Clarry and I be more than just best friends?"

The voice I heard in my chest was so clear, so loud, so certain, that it was as if the river itself spoke to me.

"Yes."

I smiled… and my smile turned to a grin… and my grin turned to a laugh. "Was that Kiash Matchitiwuk ?" I asked myself. "Did the Ancient Ones seriously just talk to me? You gotta be shitting me."

A crane swooped low over the river and vanished above the trees.

A fish jumped out of the waters and landed back down with a splash.

An eagle soared high above, squawking to the endless blue skies.

I laughed, my own heart suddenly swooping and jumping and squawking to the blue skies too.

As I stood by the river, talking to myself—or maybe talking to Kiash Matchitiwuk —I laughed even louder, my elation, my happiness, my strange epiphany taking flight and echoing through the forest.

I had a sudden, irresistible urge to get even closer to my natural surroundings; to cool off, to strip off, to throw myself into the river and be at one with my namesake.

I kicked off my boots. I yanked off my shorts and briefs and waded into the water so fast, my clothes barely hit the shore before I was waist deep in the river and diving into the clear, flowing waters.

Underneath the surface I opened my eyes and saw with utter clarity—

The colors of the pebbles, their forms caressed smooth and flawless by the water over the centuries;

The twists and turns of the riverbed plants growing out between the rocks, their vibrant green foliage glossy and gleaming;

The swish and swirl of a trout's tail, bubbles rising through the water as it tried to determine whether I was friend or foe.

I came up for air, the water trickling in rivulets over my skin.

I wasn't sure whether it was the cool of the water, the invigoration of the swim, or the freedom I felt having opened up my heart to viewing my relationship with Clarry in a whole new light, but as I glanced down over my muscled body I saw that my cock had become completely aroused. Through the ripples of water, my hard-on practically shimmered in the sunlight.

That was when I heard what sounded like the out-of-tune ding and ping of a bell, as though something was trying to shake it to death.

I looked around at the forest, listening even closer for any strange sounds in the trees, but I heard nothing else.

So, I continued swimming.

I dipped beneath the water again, then came up floating on my back.

The sun was warm against my body.

I imagined that's how Clarry would feel against me.

I laughed again as I looked up at the sky, almost alarmed at how comfortable, how joyous, how surprisingly unsurprised I felt at thoughts of me and Clarry settling happily into my brain, taking up home in my heart.

It felt good.

It felt right.

It felt natural… oh so natural… to think of him this way.

As I floated on my back, I could feel my still hard dick pointing to the sky, the breeze blowing kisses on the wet crown of my cock as I drifted on the river.

I closed my eyes and imagined it was Clarry, not the breeze, blowing those kisses.

A small groan of pleasure escaped me .

Suddenly I wasn't just open to the idea of loving Clarry…

Now I couldn't stop thinking about making love to him.

I opened my eyes, twisted my body, and dove under the water again.

When I came up, I was standing chest deep in the river.

I pushed the hair off my forehead and shook the water out of my ears and desperately wished that Clarry was there with me now.

I wished I had brought him with me.

I wished we'd escaped town together.

I wished he was here… to touch and hold and… kiss.

I looked over to the opposite side of the river and saw a large flat boulder baking in the sunshine. I had the urge to swim over there and laze on that boulder for a while. If I couldn't touch Clarry right now, I figured I could touch myself while I dreamt about him, while the sun warmed my skin, while our love began to blossom in my head.

I started swimming to the opposite bank, when suddenly—

"Oh, cookie crumbs!"

From behind me I heard a voice cry out.

No, not just anyone's voice…

It was Clarry.

Quickly I turned to see my best friend crashing head over heels down an embankment, taking out thickets and bushes on his way down before plunging into the river.

He landed in a deep pocket of water by the bank, and when he came up splashing and thrashing the panic gripped my chest.

"Clarry! I'm coming!"

I powered my way across the river, swimming faster than I'd ever swum before.

My arms churned through the water.

The fish scattered.

When I reached Clarry I grabbed him by one arm and pulled him high above the surface so he could get a good lungful of air .

He gasped and coughed and spluttered.

I pulled him out of the depths, until my feet could touch the riverbed again.

I got both my arms underneath him, wading into the shallows until we emerged from the river, me carrying Clarry as he draped his arms around my neck.

Water coursed off us, splashing into the river as I stepped onto the pebbly shore and laid Clarry down on the bank.

He was heaving for air, whimpering and wheezing. I could see the shock on his face, clearly the fall had knocked him around.

"Clarry, are you hurt? Are you in pain anywhere? Clarry, speak to me. Look at me."

After a few gasps he said, "I am looking at you. You're naked! "

His eyes blinked at my dick.

"I was swimming. That doesn't matter now. I need to know you're okay. Is anything broken? Are you in pain anywhere at all?"

"I don't think so."

"Can you sit up?"

I helped him into a sitting position, and he stared at me wide-eyed again. "River, you're very, very naked!" he pointed out once more.

"I know. It was hot, I felt like a skinny-dip." I began scanning his body. There were a couple of tears in his shirt, some scratches on his elbows and knees and one on his forehead, but the water had washed any signs of blood away. I looked into his eyes for any indication of dilation or concussion, something we learned in basic training. "Tell me, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"Your penis."

"Clarry, how many fingers?"

"One very big penis."

"Clarry, concentrate for me."

"How can I concentrate when all I can see is your penis? River, you're naked. You're very, very, very naked. "

"Would you like me to put some clothes on?"

"Yes. No. I don't know."

"You're confused. I think you might be concussed. Is your vision blurred at all?"

"No. I'm focusing just fine… on your penis!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake." I stood, grabbed my shorts and jerked them up my legs. "There… better?"

I knelt beside him again and began unbuttoning his shirt.

He flinched instantly. "What are you doing?"

"I'm taking off your shirt. I want to see if any bruises are forming. After a fall like that you could have some internal hemorrhaging."

He fussed and balked and tried to pull my hands away, but I managed to get his shirt off his shoulders. His delicate flesh trembled, and I took his shoulders in my hands. "Hey, are you cold? You're shaking. You might be going into shock."

He slapped my hands away. "River, I'm not going into shock! I'm shaking because I'm embarrassed, and humiliated, and utterly mortified… yet again. I'm a bumbling idiot, and I've just made a complete nincompoop of myself once more, like I always seem to do in front of you, when all I ever want to do is impress you. Jeepers, I don't even want to impress you, that would be way too much to ask. All I wanna do is be with you… without fainting or fumbling or falling down a mountain…"

"It was just an embankment…"

"Into a raging river…"

"It's actually flowing quite gently…"

"I don't care if it's as still as Percy's duck pond. The point is, once again you've had to catch me when I fall and tell me everything's going to be okay. It's not okay. It's never okay, and do you know why? Because while you're busy saving me from yet another red-faced ordeal, I'm here kicking myself and hating myself and tormenting myself for being the loser who refuses to stop burdening you with my company. I can't help it. I want to be with you. I need you. I crave you, River. Yet all I do is cause you grief and force you to stand up for me and drag you into battles that aren't even yours. Well, you don't have to fight for me anymore. I don't want you to. I don't want you to defend me or protect me or rescue me from myself anymore. I came here because I wanted to be near you like I always do. I rode all the way out here because I couldn't help myself, I had to see you, to be with you, to be close to you. But now I realize all I do is waste your time and drain your energy and that's not fair. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on me. It's wrong. So, I'm just going to say one thing and then I'm going to turn around and leave you alone forever. I'm going to say one thing before I split at the seams because this can't stay inside me a minute longer. I'm in love with you, River Raven. You're more than my best friend. You're the only man—the only person—I ever want to be with. And I know this can never work between us, and I know that I've just ruined everything we had, but I need you to know how I feel because if I don't, then I'm lying to you, I'm lying to myself, and I'm tired of hiding from the truth. I can't live like this another day. I need you to know… I love you, River. I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always—"

I couldn't take another word, so I took his face in my hands and planted my lips on his, plugging up all the love inside him before he let it go.

I kissed him with all the love inside me , the love I'd kept hidden for so long, even from myself.

I parted his lips with my tongue and poured my passion into him, stemming the tide of his doubt and hurt and self-hate, forcing him to breathe his pain out through his flared nostrils, never to inhale it again.

Softly he groaned, releasing all his anguish as he more or less melted in my hands.

Slowly he allowed me to lower him down onto his back once more, our lips not parting until eventually we both needed a deep breath of air.

I lifted my face from his and saw that the tears running down his cheeks were beginning to dry in the sun, his expression of pain replaced by one of puzzlement.

"What just happened?" he uttered.

"I kissed you."

"Why?"

"Because I intend to defend you, and protect you, and keep rescuing you until the day I die. Because I'm tired of hiding from the truth too. And because you're not the only one in love."

This time he was the one to take my face in his hands and press his lips to mine, his kisses urgent, his yearning free at last.

My hand traced his jawline, my finger danced down his neck to his chest.

His flesh quivered.

I parted from our kiss and said, "Don't be afraid."

"How can I not be?"

I smiled. "Because you're with me. It's just me."

I kissed him again and his shaking hands found my heaving chest.

His fingers traced their way over my rigid abs.

I could feel him aching to reach lower, to find the button on my shorts, but he hesitated.

I knew I needed to make everything a little easier for him.

I sat up on my haunches, took his hand and helped him to sit up. "Come with me," I said.

"Where?"

I stood and was already unbuttoning my shorts. "Into the river. Swim with me. Let the water carry all your fears away."

He looked uncertain. "But what if someone sees us?"

I shrugged. "Then they see two guys swimming in a river together, so what?" I unzipped my shorts and let them drop around my ankles before stepping out of them. My cock was hard, boldly throbbing, wanting Clarry more than ever. "Let them watch. We've got nothing to hide."

Clarry licked his lips at the sight of my dick.

I knew he wanted nothing more than to come swimming with me, but he hesitated a moment or two longer.

"I tell you what, I'll go in first. When you're ready, join me."

I turned and waded a short way into the water, the river cooling my thighs, my balls, my straining cock, before I submerged myself up to my shoulders and dipped beneath the surface.

When I came up, I glanced back to the bank to see Clarry pulling himself to his feet.

His shirt was already off, but he fiddled with the button on his shorts and kept glancing up to the embankment as though an audience was hiding up there somewhere, ready to jump out from the bushes and surprise him.

"Clarry, it's okay. There's nobody there. It's just us." I gave him a reassuring smile. "It's just you and me."