24. Noah

24

Waiting around to return to Portland for the season is like waiting to see if it's going to snow in California in the summer. You know the latter isn't going to happen, but that doesn't make the waiting any less painful.

Every day when I turn on ESPN, they're rubbing it in my face that the Pioneers have drafted another quarterback. Some joker of a sportscaster, who has probably never played a down outside of high school, seems to know more about my career than I do, and has no problem telling everyone who tunes into his show about it. He says I'm done in Portland. The shitty thing is, he's probably right. The even shittier thing is, I don't seem to care.

I don't know when it happened—when I lost the love of the game—but it's gone. I always told myself that when the game became a chore, I'd quit. Right now, it feels like a chore. However, I love my teammates, and I hate the idea that I might be letting them down. Sure, they'd survive. Some would even move on to another team, but to up and quit seems like I'm breaking up with them.

The thing is, if they retired or got traded, they wouldn't stop to consider my feelings. They'd expect me to move on to the next running back, wide receiver, or linebacker. It's rare for players to spend ten or fifteen years in the league and those that have, have escaped severe injuries. Knock on wood, I've been lucky. I've had a couple concussions, nothing major, but still enough to make me stop and ask myself if this is how I want to continue.

Is football everything?

This question is the easiest one I can answer right now. No, it's not. Peyton and the baby are everything. Honestly, I sort of like the idea of being home with them or always being around. Peyton shouldn't have to raise our baby by herself and while I know a lot of moms or dads do while the other works, we don't have to, thanks to our parents and my career. Over the years, I invested well. My dad helped me find someone to handle my money and in my rookie year, I lived off what I called an allowance. I didn't do anything extravagant. I made smart decisions and have continued to do so.

Peyton's done the same. And the more she leans toward not returning to work, the more I want to stay home with her. Or find something else to do because she may maim me if I'm in her space all day.

I flip the channel to something else and sink further into the couch. The anxiety creeps in as my mind replays the words the sports analyst said about me. Washed up. Already past his prime. Could've been special. The last one hurts the most. How was I not special? What was I supposed to do? I took my team to the playoffs every year and won the championship. Football is a team sport, not a me sport. I can't do it all.

The doorbell rings, saving me from flipping back to the sports coverage. Before I can make it to the door, the bell chimes again and I groan. "Wh—" I say as I open it but stop. "Why'd you knock?" I ask Quinn as I step aside.

"I wasn't sure you were home."

"Ah, the car's in the garage. Peyton's been getting deliveries, and I didn't want to worry about someone coming down that incline and smacking into it. What's up?"

"Not much. I was in the area."

He's lying. We live out of the way from where he lives, works, and plays. But, if he says he was in the area, who am I to say otherwise.

"Want something to drink?"

He nods and follows me into the kitchen and heads right to the refrigerator. I don't care if Quinn helps himself. Sometimes he can be really introverted and it's like taking a bone from a dog to get him to open up.

"Where's Peyton?"

"She took Stevie Nicks to the park with your mom and Ollie."

Quinn grabs a bottle of soda and sits down at the island. I stand on the other side, waiting to see if he's going to open up or if we're just going to hang. I'm honestly good with either.

"I think I might miss the births of my nieces or nephews." He sounds distraught. I didn't think this would be something that mattered to him.

"Oh?"

He nods. "The tour. It's going to be for six months, I think. And it's going to start in September."

"What's Elle doing?"

"Uh . . ." Quinn runs his hand over his beanie. He's so much like Harrison, it's uncanny. "I think she said something about taking her last semester off."

"Trimester," I say, correcting him. "Pregnancies are tracked in trimesters." This is probably more information than he needs to know, but at least when Nola and he decide to have a baby, he'll be ready.

"Oh, right." He twists the cap off the bottle and takes a drink. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"You knew with my sister that she was the one, right?"

"I did. Are you thinking Nola isn't the one?"

Quinn shakes his head. "No, but I wonder if I'm her one. Something's off and it has been for a while, but she's my first real girlfriend and I don't know if I'm just looking too deeply into things or what."

"Maybe she's just under a lot of pressure from school."

He shrugs. "Maybe. I've told her she doesn't need her masters, but I also understand her need to be independent. Depending on someone isn't exactly . . . I don't know what word I'm looking for."

"I know what you mean. And I gather from the last time she was here, she's not excited about the tour?"

Quinn shakes his head again, but this time he's looking at me and his movements are much, much slower. "She's pissed, actually. I guess I didn't ask her and assumed she would go. She wants to spend time at home, which I get. I'm sure she's homesick. I've suggested her parents come out here, but I don't think they like me much."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because when I offered for us to go out there, she said it would be better if she went alone."

"Oh." Now that he's said this, I believe Peyton or Elle may have mentioned it. "Well, they're being ridiculous."

Quinn chuckles a bit. "I'm sure I'm not the picture they had in mind when their daughter brought someone home. They're definitely prim and proper. Her brother wears a suit every day, and her sister is the lovely housewife, raising babies. According to Nola, she should've been married by now."

"So why not get married?"

Quinn scoffs. "I've tried. She wants to get married at her parents' property, which I get and I'm all for. However, the only time her parents have available are dates when I'm on tour. When I'm not on tour, her parents have their yard booked for other weddings."

"Oh." I am totally not good at this talking shit.

"See why I think they don't approve of me?"

"Yeah, it's becoming clearer. I stand by my earlier sentiment."

Quinn picks at the label on his bottle until he's pulled a corner clean and then takes the rest of it off. I reach for it and throw it away.

"You know, you're like a brother to me," he says, and I find myself wanting to give the guy a hug.

"Same," I tell him. Even though I'm close to a couple of my teammates, Quinn will always be my best friend. He's the brother I never had and always wanted. "Do you remember when we first met?"

He nods.

"I hated you," I tell him. "I was so jealous of your relationship with my dad, the only thing I could do was hate you."

"I know," he said. "And I was jealous because you had a mom. Well, two if you count Katelyn. Her and Josie were so good to me, accepting me right away, I couldn't understand why you didn't want to be my friend. I also didn't have any friends because I toured all the time and had a tutor on the bus. I thought we'd be band buddies or whatever until my dad told me you had just met Liam. It took me a bit to understand what he meant because I'd always known him and this world we lived in."

"Yep," I say. "That pretty much sums it all up."

"Look at us now." Quinn quips and makes a heart with his hand. "Should we get matching tats or something?"

"I think Peyton would kill me."

He laughs. "She probably would."

He spins the top of his bottle on the counter and sighs. "I don't know what to do."

"Have you asked her what's going on? Believe me, when I tell you communication is key, it's key. I avoid so many misunderstandings with your sister by communicating. Granted, she bottles shit up and sometimes I have to poke the bear to get it out of her, but nothing festers. We don't go to bed angry at each other. I don't think I'd be able to sleep if we did."

"We've talked but not in depth. I don't want her to feel like she has to go on tour. I'll miss her and will try to come home as much as possible, but we have shows every couple of days. There's no way I can fly back and forth all the time. I'd miss rehearsals. And once Elle leaves the tour, the last thing she needs is for me to fuck shit up."

"I'm sure Elle wouldn't feel that way."

Quinn looks at me and I feel like I should cower or something. "Okay you're right. Damn, you have the same look she does. Is that something Katelyn taught you?"

He laughs. "No, but I think I got it from Elle."

"Poor Ben," I mutter. "Have you heard from your boss while they're honeymooning?" After their ceremony they headed to Fiji for their honeymoon. The last I knew they hadn't decided when they would come back. Ben and Elle need this time away. They've been on the go since his cancer diagnosis and subsequent recovery. At this last scan, his body still showed no signs of cancer, which is a relief. I never want any of my friends or family to go through what he did. It was scary and really put a lot of things into perspective. Life's short—live it.

"I'm thinking of retiring," I say to Quinn out of the blue.

"Really?"

I nod and tell him how I've been feeling, how the draft went, and how the team has been incognito in offering me a new contract.

"Seriously? So, they're not going to renew you?"

"Doesn't look that way."

"So, you what, train this new guy and they're like sorry but not sorry, you gotta go?"

"Pretty much. They'll either part ways or someone will come in with a new contract and I'll go elsewhere."

"Okay, but if you don't play, then what?"

"I can retire. Maybe coach with Nick."

"In Beaumont?"

I nod. "We've talked about moving back."

Quinn groans and drops his head for a moment, then looks up. "If you move, my parents are moving, which means I'll end up moving. Which means . . ." He trails off, but it's clear what he's insinuating.

"Does Nola like it there?"

He shakes his head slowly. "Not so much," he says with a sigh. "I'm sure it's because we stay at your parents' house. It's not like I own something there or my folks do."

"I imagine it can be awkward."

Quinn leans back and groans again. "Why is life so complicated?"

"There is no answer, my friend."

"Ugh. Maybe Nola and I will just move to South Carolina or something. This way, she can see her family whenever she wants. I'll just stay home like a hermit."

"That's not fair to you. The staying home part."

"I know, but I love her and if being there will make her happy, I'll do it."