Chapter 22

A Shot In The Dark

‘ M ac. Stella not with you?’ Archie drew on his cigarette.

‘Well, she was, until about five minutes ago. She took off.’

Archie exhaled a cloud of smoke. ‘Took off? Where?’

‘I don’t know.’ He looked down at his feet.

‘And you let her leave, just like that? A gentleman always escorts a lady home. Does she even know where she’s going?’

Mac hadn’t thought of that. Jeez, how stupid could he be? He gazed up at Archie. ‘I guess I said the wrong thing.’ He blew out a breath. ‘I told her my plans, and she got upset.’

‘Ah, yes, well it’s only to be expected. You know, Mac, as much as we might try to control situations, it’s not always possible, and sometimes we have to take a leap of faith. You said before that you were protecting Stella, but I wonder if you might be running away. Perhaps it’s time to run to her, don’t you think?’ Archie’s face creased into a soft smile, and he returned to the house.

Mac swallowed, and he sprang up. Archie was right. He’d allowed her to run off, and she didn’t have a clue where she was going. Mac broke into a light run and headed down the drive, only there was no sign of her. He stopped at the end, panting. Man, he was a little out of shape from all this lying around. Which way would she have gone? She wouldn’t have turned left because that road ran for miles and there was nothing down there. No, she’d have gone right, the way she came in. He picked up the pace again, and after a couple of minutes, he rounded a bend in the road just in time to glimpse a flash of blue sailing around the next corner. The late afternoon sun burned, and a gentle warm breeze drifted towards him, mingled with the intoxicating aroma of wild spring onions. His scars prickled beneath the heat.

‘Stella.’ He broke into a run, and when he whipped around the next bend, she was right in front of him. ‘Stella, wait.’ Mac drew up by her side, out of breath as he wiped beads of sweat from his brow. ‘You walk mighty fast.’

She glanced at him with narrowed eyes and carried on walking, then he caught her hand and pulled her back. ‘Hey, wait up. I’m sorry. I’ve been a jerk.’ He gazed into her misty, red eyes, and an ache surged in his chest. ‘Come here, honey.’ He pulled her towards him, only she drew back. ‘Hey, I never meant to hurt you.’

‘Well, you did.’ Her eyes hardened. ‘Telling me who to marry. Pushing me away after chasing me for weeks. Who are you to tell me what to do?’ Her eyes flashed and temper lashed her cheeks scarlet. She pulled away, her hand slipping out of his grip, and strode off.

The distance between them widened and Mac’s chest tightened. He’d done that. What a jackass . She was mighty cut up about the things he’d said, but that could mean only one thing, surely. ‘Well, here goes nothing, doc,’ he muttered as he gritted his teeth and sprinted after her. ‘Stella! Wait up.’

She turned to face him, a wariness flickering in her eyes. ‘What do you want, Mac? Am I going the wrong way? Is that it?’ Her voice was ice-cold.

‘Yeah, you are.’ He moved towards her, slipped his arm around her waist, and pulled her close, his lips brushing hers. She stiffened, her hands pushing against his chest, but after a moment, she softened and kissed him back. ‘Now you’re headed in the right direction,’ he whispered.

She rested her head against his chest, gripping him tighter than she’d ever done before. ‘I love you,’ he said, his voice rough with emotion.

She lifted her face, and fresh tears glistened on her eyelashes. ‘Do you really? Because if you did, you wouldn’t have pushed me away or said all those things.’

‘I’m sorry. I did it to protect you, but I can see I was wrong.’

‘If you truly wanted to protect me, you’d be asking for a desk job.’

‘Ah, gee, honey. It’s not that simple. I came here to do my duty, and that’s what I have to do.’

‘You’ve done it. Don’t you see?’

He sighed. After everything that had happened, and all the friends he’d lost, he was terrified at the thought of flying through hell once more, and of never holding her in his arms again. ‘I’m sorry. It’s hard to explain, but I have to do this. I owe it to the guys we lost—and to myself. I was trying to protect you because I knew you’d be hurt if I went back. If anything happened to me, I didn’t want you to suffer that.’ He looked away, thrusting his hands into his pockets.

She stood by the side of the road; her eyes boring into him. ‘Is that the only reason?’

She didn’t miss a thing. He glanced down, kicking at a few loose stones, watching them skitter along the dusty lane. ‘Well, I guess for a while I thought you’d be better off with someone else rather than being saddled with me.’ He looked into her eyes and held his hands up. ‘What you see is what you get, and frankly, I hate it.’

Stella moved towards him and reached up to cup his right cheek. He stiffened for a few seconds, despite savouring the warmth flowing from her touch, soothing his skin, reaching into his soul. But he was damaged goods, and he didn’t want to see pity or disgust on her face. When he dared to gaze, however, he saw that usual smile of hers that fired up those sunflower eyes.

‘Oh, Mac. All those weeks when I could have helped you. Time wasted.’ Her eyes misted over. ‘You’re still the same man to me, handsome, even with the scars. You’re beautiful, inside and out.’

He reached up and covered her hand with his. She hadn’t flinched once, and he couldn’t believe how he’d got it so wrong. ‘I’m sorry for hurting you, only you deserve to be happy, to have a whole life.’

‘Mac, you make me happy, the happiest I’ve ever been, and it’s you that makes me whole.’ Her eyes swam like the ocean, and he raised her hand to his lips and kissed her fingertips.

‘Back in the hospital, I was lost for a while. The thought of you and of flying again kept me going, that and the other guys, of course. They’ve been swell. I’m still finding my feet, and there’s no one I’d rather do that with than you. But I have to fly if they’ll let me.’ He moved towards her and held her face in his hands. ‘I’m so in love with you, and I’m lost without you. Do you think we can start over?’

Her lower lip trembled, and she blew out a breath. ‘Yes, as long as you promise that from now on, you’ll tell me if something’s worrying you. Don’t push me away.’

He planted a soft kiss on her lips. ‘I promise.’ He folded her in his arms and held her tight, unmoving, his chin brushing the top of her head as he drank in a haze of lavender. ‘Hey, are you hungry? They do great food at the inn. Why don’t we call in and get you something to eat?’

She nodded and took his outstretched hand.

***

The Maypole was dark and refreshingly cool, with aged oak beams stretched across the ceiling. The aroma of food wafted in the air, and Stella’s stomach rumbled. Ale mingled with tobacco and cast a cosy, heady scent into the atmosphere, and then Mac’s protective hand was on her arm, steering her towards a table in the corner. The hum of voices thrummed like the distant growl of an engine.

‘What would you like to drink?’

‘Oh, a port and lemon please.’ She couldn’t take her eyes off him. The way he sauntered over to the bar and leaned in as he chatted to the landlord. The velvet drawl of his voice set her nerve endings ablaze, and when he turned to gaze at her and flashed that smile of his, she could barely breathe. Mac loved her and needed her as she needed him. But a dark cloud lingered. He said he hated his looks. That was why he’d told her to leave. He must have been struggling all this time, alone. Like Alex, Mac was wedged in a dark corner. Was he even fit enough to fly? She closed her eyes for a second.

Later, after they had eaten, Stella sighed and settled back in her chair, stifling a yawn. ‘That was good. I’m so tired, I could probably fall asleep standing up on the train.’ She sipped her drink, hoping to refresh herself, but it began to have the opposite effect.

‘It’s a long slog from Cambridge.’ He traced the side of her hand with his finger, and as she met his gaze, sparks flickered in the blue. ‘Maybe you should have stayed over.’

She had considered it, except she only had two days leave. ‘It makes sense, and I’m dreading the journey home tonight, especially in the blackout.’

‘I’ll have a word. Jack’s a decent guy. He’s sure to have a room going spare.’

‘First name terms already?’ She grinned.

‘Well, you know how it is.’ He shrugged and cast her a coy smile.

Stella felt her eyelids grow heavy, and she fought to prise them open. The thrum of voices faded as she drifted, then Mac bumped her hip with his as he sat down and pressed cold metal into the palm of her hand.

‘Hey, sleepyhead. There’s your key.’

‘Oh, thank you. How much is it?’

‘Forget about it. I’ve settled up.’ He smiled warmly and put his arm around her. ‘I can’t have my girl paying the bills.’ He drained his beer. ‘As much as it pains me to say it, I think I’m getting used to warm beer.’

Stella laughed, her mind hanging on his words – my girl .

Later, he led her by the hand up the steep, creaky wooden staircase at the rear of the inn. On the landing, they found room two, and he unlocked the door and stepped to one side, gesturing to Stella to go first. She put her things down on the double bed and looked around. The room was sparse with a mahogany bedside table and a tall brass lamp.

Mac checked his watch. ‘Well, it’s half past seven. I guess I’d better head back and leave you to rest.’ He walked over to where she stood by the window and slid his arms around her waist. ‘You’re so beautiful, did I tell you that already?’ He rested his brow against hers.

She raised her chin as his mouth met hers, his warm breath tinged with beer. His kiss was firm, and he threaded his fingers through her hair, and she tingled all over as her heart thumped faster. He pulled her even closer, his hands beating nerve endings into a frenzy as he caressed her back.

‘Oh Stella, honey. God, I want you.’ He broke away and gazed at her, his eyes searching hers as slowly, he unfastened her dress. She wanted him, and she knew she shouldn’t, yet her heart and her body ached for him. Reaching up, she undid his jacket, unbuttoned his shirt, and placed her palm flat against his firm chest, caressing his muscular physique. He led her towards the bed. She reached up and ran her hands through his hair as he kissed her again, moving down to the swell of her breast, his tongue grazing her skin.

Wasn’t this what she wanted? Other girls had done it, but not her. Not yet. She didn’t know what to do or what to expect, and she suddenly felt exposed, confused, and afraid. He pulled her gently back onto the bed and Stella lay there as his hand cupped her breast. She gasped as he kissed her, savouring the taste of his warm lips. When he’d told her to marry Alex, his words had cut deep and now, just as they might have a chance, he was going to be flying missions again. The thought was unbearable, and she couldn’t think straight.

‘Oh, Stella.’ He was almost on top of her, one leg hooked over hers, pressing against her thigh as he covered her neck in kisses.

‘Mac, I can’t.’

‘You know I love you, don’t you?’

‘I know, it’s just too soon.’

He stopped and looked at her with a serious expression. ‘Is this your first time?’

She nodded, her cheeks burning. Nervously, she bit her lower lip and shrank inside. He sighed and buttoned up the dress, his fingers fumbling a little, but she left him to it, noting the flash of frustration in his eyes.

‘I’m sorry. I guess I got carried away.’ He lay beside her and wrapped his arms around her. With his finger, he traced a line from her temple to her jaw, cupping her chin. ‘I don’t want to force you into anything, baby.’ He kissed her, soft and tender, and lay back, drawing her into his arms.

‘I’m sorry.’ Tears pricked her eyes.

‘No need to be. I shouldn’t have, only I’ve missed you so bad.’ His lips brushed her cheek.

Outside, the setting sun cast a pink glow against the blue. She gazed up at Mac. His eyes had closed, and he twitched as he drifted off to sleep. Was he allowed to stay out all night? ‘Mac,’ she whispered in his ear.

‘Huh?’ He rolled onto his side, gave her a gentle squeeze as he tenderly brushed her cheek with his lips, and then he was still, quite still, other than the sound of his breathing. She lay watching him while he drifted and slid her arm around his waist, revelling in the firmness of his body pressed up against hers. Placing her hand on his chest, she tingled as the muscles rippled beneath with each rhythmic breath. Never before had she been so close to a man, so intimate, and her gaze slipped across his face, eager to learn every fine detail of his new skin. Her chest tightened as she ruminated over all the anguish and pain Mac had endured alone.

Stella wished it could be like this always, but all too soon the dark thoughts descended like birds of prey, picking through her mind. She couldn’t bear it if she lost him, and she drank in his familiar scent of cedarwood with greed as a cloud of unease crept over her.

***

RAF Bourn languished beneath a slate-grey sky. Stella cycled through the light mist, thinking of the night she had spent with Mac. He’d woken her in the early hours with such an anguished cry and then clambered out of bed and scoured the room. Finally, he lay back down, clammy, with sweat glistening on his skin, and Stella could only imagine what dark shapes haunted his mind.

The grim start to the day didn’t improve when she arrived at work, and she sensed the cloud from the moment she stepped into the office.

‘Oh, Stell, it’s awful. Three of our Lancasters didn’t make it back from last night’s raid. The boys reckon there were no survivors.’ Vera’s red eyes glistened.

Twenty-one men missing. Stella gazed around at the sea of misty eyes, and a lump rose in her throat. Somehow it felt as if everything slowed down. One of the girls was visibly distraught and was led away to the CO’s office.

‘What’s wrong with her?’ Of course, it didn’t take a genius to work it out.

‘Oh, her fiancé was one of them.’

Stella swallowed. How simple it was, here one minute and gone the next, just like snatching a breath, and all the while the world turns and people move on, just as she was about to right now.

At lunchtime, she headed to the mess hall with Vera, and three of the tables remained just as they had been earlier that morning, set for breakfast, twenty-one pristine place settings, waiting for crew to return. Stella’s heart ached. It was surreal to think they were gone. The war just kept on rolling, and it was never-ending. How long would it be before it finally caught up with Mac? She blew out a long breath.

After lunch, Stella decided to go and see how Jean was. She hadn’t been in the canteen earlier, and when she asked around, it seemed that no one had seen her at all. Outside, rain fell like bullets, soaking everything and everyone in seconds as black, ominous clouds amassed against pewter. Stella draped her raincoat over her head yet still the drops slipped down the back of her neck and splashed her legs, dappling her stockings muddy brown.

The supplies hut loomed, but the door was closed, which was strange, because Jean would usually be surrounded by chutes, packing away. Suddenly, the rain ceased, as if someone had flicked a switch, and the sun peeked out from her shroud to cast her glow across the land.

Tentatively, Stella opened the door and stepped inside. The hut was dim and humid with the smell of baked timber and something she couldn’t quite place. Rows of shelves were stacked with parachutes, neat and orderly, and as she stole past a tall shelving system on her left, something caught her eye up ahead. She blinked. Her eyes fixed on the black leather regulation shoes, and she froze. Shoes that were three feet up in the air. Swaying to and fro. In her head, three words. No. No. No!

An icy chill slithered down her spine as her gaze zipped up from the shoes to the legs, and she heard the eerie, piercing cry, so shrill it echoed. Her eyes darted all around, but she was alone, and only then did she realise it was coming from her.

‘Jean!’ she cried. ‘Oh God, what have you done?’

Instinctively, she grabbed Jean’s legs and tried to hoist her up, to take the strain of the rope off her neck, yet it was hopeless. Jean’s wide, dark eyes fixed on hers, lifeless, peering from a blue-grey face. Stella dashed outside and spotted some ground crew by one of the hangars. She yelled and waved her arms in the air. Two men sprinted over, and when they saw what had happened, they swung into action. One of them held Jean’s body while the other swiftly cut the rope, and they laid her gently down on the dusty, wooden floor. One of them brushed his hand over her eyes, closing them. She looked so young and fragile.

‘She’s so grey.’ Stella stared, transfixed by Jean’s lifeless face, wondering how anyone could do such a thing. The overwhelming sadness crushed her. Jean must have been in turmoil.

‘I’ll tell the CO, Charlie,’ the first man said. ‘It’s too late to do anything for her, poor soul.’

‘Are you all right, miss? You’ve had a nasty shock.’ Charlie’s voice brimmed with concern. He took out a handkerchief and handed it to her.

Stella sank to the floor of the hut, trembling. Such a waste of life. It was too much to bear, and she released a choking sob, her shoulders heaved, and her body shook as tears spilled down her cheeks. She saw Jean, but her tears flowed for others who flashed in her mind, and for Mac. Years of pent-up fear, frustration, and worry poured out amidst the dust on the floor until she could cry no more. She longed for Mac’s strong arms around her, holding her against his firm body, his warmth flowing through into hers. She sat hunched on the floor, as if in a trance, rocking back and forth, her arms hugging her knees to her chest. She was barely aware of the girl who draped a blanket about her shoulders, and who, with the help of the CO, took her by the arms and hauled her to her feet, leading her away to the office. And then a whiff of whisky emanating from a steaming mug of tea placed in her grip jolted her back to reality. She turned her gaze to the window.

Outside, the last of the ominous clouds blew over, revealing acres of blue in their wake. All was silent, and birdsong returned, shrill and sweet, and the larks and swallows soared and swooped once more.