Chapter 18

A Fresh Start

S tella steeled herself as she breezed through the gates of the Queen Victoria Hospital. A helpful nurse directed her to the grounds at the rear, where she saw a group of wooden huts, Ward III being among them. She took a deep breath and checked her reflection in her compact. The Max Factor red had faded on her lips, but her hair was neat. Her cheeks glowed rosy from the warm sun and the walk from the station. What if he didn’t want to see her? She’d replayed their argument again and again, and she pictured his face before he’d walked away. Before this. Her whole body ached for his strong arms to hold her. Her heart kneaded her chest, and she took a deep breath, opened the door, and sailed into a smog of Dettol disinfectant. As she peered along the length of the ward, she spotted a group of men crowded around the piano. A wolf whistle rang out, slow and shrill, and her cheeks prickled with heat as a shy smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

A young man in RAF blues whizzed towards her in a wheelchair. ‘Hello, looking for me by any chance?’

Surprised and stunned, Stella smiled, noticing his taut porcelain facial skin and oddly shaped eyes. ‘I’m here to see Mac—Lieutenant Mackenzie.’ The murmur of voices faded, and she felt the weight of all eyes on her.

‘Oh, you mean Tex, our regular cowboy. Over there, sixth bed on the right. Good luck.’

‘Thank you.’ Why did he say that?

‘Better watch out, Miss. Hang around here long enough and they’ll whip off a piece of you and stick it on one of us.’ Those within earshot laughed, and Stella smiled out of politeness more than anything else. What an odd thing to say.

Perhaps Mac wasn’t having a good day. Once again, she’d come at the wrong time, but would there ever be a right time? She stopped at the foot of his bed and her eyes were drawn to the dressings on his face, and her breath caught in her chest. How badly burned was he? His hands and lower arms were bandaged and elevated on pillows that lay on either side of him. His eyes were closed.

‘Hello, Mac.’

His eyes flickered open and widened. ‘Hey, Stella.’

He seemed surprised to see her and his face creased into a smile and, tentatively, she perched herself on the chair next to his bed.

‘I got your letter. Oh Mac, I’m so sorry to hear what happened and, well, I had to come.’

His smile slipped. ‘You shouldn’t have bothered. It’s a long way from Cambridge.’ He stared at the ceiling as he spoke.

The coolness in his voice sent a shiver jolting down her spine. She swallowed and gazed around, quick enough to catch curious faces before they swiftly turned away. Why had he written to her if he didn’t want to see her? Some of the men were playing a game of cards at a table further down. Cigarette smoke drifted over, and she caught the waft of beer in the air; it was then she spotted pint glasses sitting on tables, some full, some empty. That was something she’d never seen before in a hospital.

‘The ward seems nice.’

Mac met her gaze and cast a half-smile, but it lacked any real warmth. ‘Yeah, real nice. Everything’s swell. So, how are you?’ His eyes were distant, and the coldness in his words stung.

‘I’m all right.’

‘And Alex, how’s he?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I take it you went away with him.’

Stella took a deep breath. ‘I went to meet his family, yes.’ His mouth was set in a tight line as he stared at her. This wasn’t going the way she’d hoped. ‘Mac, the last time I saw you I said some things I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.’

He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Don’t worry about it. Alex is important to you. I get that.’

‘Yes, well he is, and he isn’t. What I mean is, he’s . . .’ Her words trailed off. Why was it so difficult to explain?

‘Stella, when I wrote that letter, or rather, when the nurse wrote the letter for me, I may not have been thinking things through very well. You see, I have no intention of getting in between you and Alex. In fact, you ought to be with him. After all, he can look after you.’

Stella couldn’t believe those words had slipped from his mouth. Reliable, dependable Mac, who had pursued her for weeks.

‘But I don’t love Alex.’

‘Well, he sure loves you. Remember, I got the sock in the jaw to prove it. Go back to him. He’s bound to have you.’

What was he saying? Stella’s skin prickled as goosebumps erupted. He wasn’t even looking at her, for goodness’ sake, and did he think she was a parcel to pass around? ‘Mac, I don’t think that’s fair. I’m sorry about the accident and about your friend.’

‘I don’t need pity.’ He flicked his gaze at her, his face red, his eyes narrowed. ‘Go back to Alex. Go home and live your life. At least you still have a normal life.’ He rubbed his brow.

His words left a bitter taste in her mouth. A single tear pearled on her eyelash, and she quickly swiped it away and sniffed. A normal life. Glen Miller’s ‘American Patrol’ swung out and Stella glanced up to see an airman in RAF blues next to the radio. She fixed her gaze on Mac, glancing at his bandaged hands, and swallowed. ‘You have a life too.’

‘I don’t rightly know what I’ve got, and I won’t for some time. The doc says I might never fly again. In fact, I might not be able to do a lot of things.’

She placed her hand on his shoulder, but he stiffened, so she drew back and shuffled in her seat. ‘I’m sure it’s not that bad.’

‘What would you know?’

The air rushed out of her chest. ‘Well, tell me.’

He pursed his lips. ‘I have a mix of second and third-degree burns to my face, neck, hands and legs. I’ve just had the first round of surgery on my hands, so I won’t really know anything for a little while. If I’m lucky, I’ll still be able to use them, though maybe not as well as before.

‘Oh, well I suppose it’s bound to take time. It sounds serious.’

Stella fixed her gaze on the man in the bed opposite, who picked up his beer glass with both hands, gripping it to his chest with hands that were more like stumps. He wore a look of intense concentration, and a lump swelled in her throat as tears rushed to her eyes, but she blinked them away. She was transfixed until he met her gaze and cast the most radiant smile as if nothing in the world was wrong. Stella smiled back as heat warmed her face and neck. She turned to Mac. ‘You knew I was coming today, didn’t you? I said I’d be here in my letter.’ She shuffled in her seat.

His gaze was intense. ‘I didn’t get any letter.’

‘Oh, I see.’ That might explain why he was being so cold. ‘Well, I suppose the post is struggling at the moment what with the amount of service mail.’ She grinned, nervously biting her lip. ‘Oh Mac, I’m so sorry this happened.’

‘Wasn’t anything anyone could have done, except me.’

‘What do you mean?’ She stared into his eyes, but he turned away. ‘You did everything you could and hurt yourself in the process.’ Out of instinct she reached for his arm, gently stroking it. ‘Here you are, thousands of miles from home, helping us fight this cruel war and look what it’s done,’ she said, her voice quavering.

‘Hey, come on. It’s me that got hurt. Don’t feel sorry for me, I can take it.’ Mac cast a sad smile, and she could tell he was trying to make light of the situation. ‘I’m glad you came. I thought that maybe after you received my letter, well...’ He paused and looked away.

The lost expression on his face moved Stella, and she sensed something different about him. He was distant, but then it was hardly surprising after everything he’d been through. Just then, the man in the next bed groaned, quietly at first, and then, when no one responded, louder. His head was bandaged, with only slits for his eyes, mouth, and nose.

‘What does he want?’

‘Probably a smoke. The guy misses them like crazy. He’s so bandaged up he can’t move.’

Stella glanced all around and noticed a packet of cigarettes on his table. She rose and went to his bedside. When she asked him if he wanted to smoke, the reply was a muffled ‘yes’. She lit a cigarette and placed it in his mouth. The ward seemed to hush, and she turned to see that all eyes were on her. Stella took the cigarette, flicked the ash into a tray, and gave it back to him. She noticed the chart on the end of his bed, and she picked it up and read his name. ‘Hello, Mike. I’m Stella. Very pleased to meet you.’

Mike said something but the plaster muffled his words, and she felt awkward at having to ask him to repeat. She took the cigarette and flicked the ash as Mike exhaled plumes of smoke, and she wondered how badly burned he was beneath the bandages. ‘I hope that’s all right. If you need anything else, just shout.’

She smiled, stubbing out the cigarette, and turned back to Mac, whose disgruntled expression had softened slightly. Stella had never seen a ward like this before, and some of the men barely looked old enough to be serving. Being here shed light on yet another branch of this horrid war, and her heart ached at their suffering.

One of the boys turned up the volume of the radio as the voice of Anne Shelton flowed like velvet. A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square . She looked at Mac, who hadn’t complained once so far. The other boys sat in silence, listening with faraway looks on their faces.

‘Stella, the last thing I wanted was to pressure you into coming here.’ He glanced at her then looked away. ‘The last time I saw you, I thought that maybe there was still hope. You chose Alex, though there was always hope. But now, I can’t see a future for us. I’m sorry. The fact is you’re better off without me.’

‘No, don’t say that.’ She touched his hand, lightly.

‘Please don’t.’ He turned to look at her now, his soft, blue eyes pleading.

‘I don’t want Alex. I never did. I went because he needed a friend.’ A tear rolled down her cheek, and she gritted her teeth, desperate not to cry. ‘I didn’t come here just because you asked. I came because I care.’

‘Damn it, Stella. That’s just it. You don’t have to care about me. I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone. Please, go home.’ He screwed his eyes shut and his chest heaved up and down.

‘Can’t we just talk?’

‘Jeez, Stella. You’re not listening.’ Mac’s eyes flashed. ‘I’ve got nothing to offer, I can’t fly, and I can’t marry you, not now.’ His voice broke and trailed off as Stella’s entire body shook and tears rolled down her face.

She quickly rummaged through her bag for a handkerchief.

‘Great, and now I’ve upset you, and I can’t do anything about that either. Don’t you get it? I’m useless. I can’t wash, get dressed, feed myself. I can’t do a goddam thing. You don’t need this.’ He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. ‘I’m sorry. You’ve come a long way, and I sure appreciate it, but please, don’t come again. Don’t waste your time.’

Stella dabbed her eyes, sniffed, and blew out a breath. She picked up her bag and rose to her feet, aware of the others in the ward watching, listening. ‘I hope you get better soon, Mac. I really do.’ Her throat tightened, a wave of emotion threatening to choke her, and she clenched her fists. How could she go? But how could she stay? He didn’t want her there; he didn’t want her . She swallowed hard. ‘Take care of yourself. Goodbye.’

His eyes were on hers, and she melted into blue one last time before leaving. She had to get outside. Her chest was tight, and she gasped for breath. Heaving the doors open, she fled out into the grounds, stopping to rest against the wall of the next building, gasping for breath, sobs racking her chest.

‘Hello.’

Stella gulped as a man emerged from Ward III. There was something familiar about him.

He adjusted his black spectacles, and his mouth curved up into a kind smile. ‘Are you all right?’

‘Yes, thank you.’ She dabbed her eyes quickly, cringing at being caught in such a state.

‘I noticed you were visiting our American friend, Mac.’

She suddenly realised who he was. She’d seen him at the hospital in Cambridge that day. ‘Are you a doctor?’

‘I am indeed. Archie McIndoe.’ He extended his hand. ‘How lovely to meet you.’

His blue eyes crinkled at the corners, catching the glint of the May sunshine. ‘Stella Charlton.’ As she shook his hand, his grip was soft yet firm, with a radiance of confidence and ease. Stella suddenly felt a surge in her chest and gritted her teeth. More tears flowed, but she swiped them away.

‘I can see you’ve had a bit of a shock, my dear. I was just about to return to my office and have some afternoon tea. I’ll ask my secretary for two cups.’

He smiled so sweetly and spoke so charmingly that Stella allowed herself to be steered away to goodness knows where with a man she knew nothing about, except that he was a doctor. ‘Thank you, Dr McIndoe.’

‘Oh, not at all, and please call me Archie. Everyone does.’

In his office, he gestured to a chair, and Stella sank down. The sweet scent of cut grass drifted in through the open window. The secretary brought in tea and biscuits. ‘Now, I couldn’t help overhearing while you were sitting with Mac. He’s having a bit of rough time at the moment, although it’s only to be expected, I’m afraid.’

‘He will be all right, won’t he?’ Stella sipped her tea, her fingers burning against the heat of the china cup.

‘Oh yes, absolutely. The trouble is, my dear, these boys think you can put a sticking plaster on everything, and they’ll be back in the air before they know it. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. It takes time, and that leads to frustration, boredom, and time to dwell.’ He raised his eyebrows.

Mac had been dwelling on everything, and now he’d pushed her away. He couldn’t have stopped loving her just like that, surely. ‘Will he ever fly again?’

‘I can’t say. It’s early days, and I’m afraid it would be unethical to discuss details, Miss Charlton. Oh, it is Miss, I take it?’

‘Yes, and please call me Stella.’ She smiled.

‘Well, Stella, the thing is, these boys need someone to believe in them, someone to help them along with their recovery. The physical injuries are just one side of it. The psychological impact is often far worse and harder to manage. Visitors help, and I was pleased when I saw you earlier. No one else has been here to see Mac as far as I know.’

‘Well, I’m afraid he’s told me not to come back.’ Stella placed her cup down on the desk and gritted her teeth as she fought to hold back fresh tears.

‘Oh, I see.’ Archie studied her for a moment as if he was thinking. ‘Well, that doesn’t surprise me. Pay no attention. Come back another day. He’ll soon come around.’ Archie smoothed his hair back with his hand. ‘We’re always looking for willing volunteers here, and there’s plenty of things you could do. Don’t give up just yet.’

‘But the things he said. I’ve never seen him so angry before.’ Stella took a deep breath as her throat ached.

Archie’s gaze softened, and he sighed. ‘Yes, so often things are said in haste and all that. Of course, he’s never been in this position before.’

Stella contemplated the words. Perhaps Mac was struggling and finding it hard to cope.

‘If you really like him, then perhaps this is your turn to fight. And prepare yourself for a rough ride. Sometimes people lash out because of their accident, but you know, we always hurt the ones we love. I’ve seen it all before, although so often it’s the other way around.’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Oh, nothing. But please think about it. He needs you now more than ever. It’s so vital these boys have someone. And Mac has you. Now, he may well be angry when he sees you again, but he’ll come around.’

Stella didn’t know what to think, and the thought of Mac being even angrier with her was unbearable. She gulped, aware of Archie’s intense gaze.

‘You know, these boys have had to put up with such a lot, and here they have far worse to cope with. Can you imagine how it feels to be permanently changed in some way? It isn’t easy.’

She looked into Archie’s knowing eyes. He was right. She’d seen sights today that had shocked her, even though she hadn’t shown it. Men with no eyelids, or an empty socket where an eye ought to be, trunks for noses, and stumps for hands. All she had to deal with was Mac’s anger. If she could tolerate that and his rejection of her, then perhaps she could help him in some way. It was the least she could do.

She blew out a breath. ‘I’ll do it as long as you’re sure I’m not causing more distress.’

‘Oh, I shouldn’t think so. Mac will be far worse if you simply disappear, I can assure you.’