Chapter Thirteen

Meredith's mind was reeling. She had never expected to ask Jack to kiss her again and yet here she was, in the Duke of Mountebank's private study, being all but devoured by a man who had turned her world upside down.

He liked her. How had such a simple statement wrecked her so? It wasn't an outpouring of love, or a declaration of intent, but it sent her heart aflame all the same. He kissed her with the same rare need as he had before and she pressed herself against him. Her hands came up to his neck as she kissed him. He smelled like scotch and he tasted like fury. How could such a feeling have a taste, she wondered as she held onto him, desperate to feel his rough hands on her bare skin.

Everyone who knew about her escapade to Scotland had thought she was a fool, but not Jack. He said she had been brave for following her heart and he admired her for it. She had ruined her life, her reputation, and for a man who hadn't cared one ounce about her. Meredith knew she had acted stupidly, but Jack wouldn't admit it. Whether he meant what he said or was trying to protect her feelings, she did not know, but she felt her heart pulse beneath her chest at the idea of Jack wanting to protect her.

If she could change the past, she would have, especially now. She wanted Jack in ways that she hadn't ever admitted out loud and yet she wanted to tell him. She wanted to pull his head down and press her mouth to his ear and tell him all sorts of depraved, wicked things, if only to see if she could make him blush.

Meredith kissed him back, shaken that she had been so eager to be touched by him. It was as if she had been only half awake since the last time he had kissed her and now she was aware of how much he affected her. It was like remembering you're hungry only when you begin to eat.

Her hands went up over his arms, holding onto the tightly wound bicep muscles that flexed beneath her touch. Good lord, she mused as he broke away, kissing down her neck. His entire body was a ball of energy, rippling and vibrating with an untethered power she had never experienced before. Was he always like this?

She felt an increasing need to know everything about him and yet her words stuck in her throat. All she cared about in that moment was being held and kissed by this man.

His gripped tightened at her back as he held her. Jack's mouth traveled across the divot just above her clavicle bone, where he licked and sucked at a particularly sensitive spot that sent a spasm of jolts throughout her body. She shivered against his hard body as he continued to kiss her neck, almost ferocious in their conquering of her and she melted against him. Her soft body continued to shake, especially when she felt the rigid length of him pressed into her belly. He half exhaled, half hissed as her trembling hand came up to touch his chest, drifting down to dare touch the heavy weight of him.

Meredith suddenly felt too warm to be wearing all the ridiculous night clothes she had on and felt an urge to undress. As if hearing her thoughts, Jack's hands moved around her, pushing back the opening of her dressing gown. His fingers skimmed the underside of her breast and she shivered with pleasure. She pressed into his scarred, calloused hand as he gripped her suddenly, his mouth coming back to hers with a biting kiss.

It was tortuously slow and yet so very fast. She nipped at his ear and a rueful smile touched her lips when a deep growl rumbled from his throat.

"Easy, love," he warned and Meredith had to swallow hard.

He picked her up slightly, rotating her in a half circle before her feet hit the ground again. This was it. Meredith was going to lay with him. She had dreamt about it, wanted it for weeks, but the moment she realized what she was going to do, she felt a sudden, creeping worry bloom in her chest as his hands moved down over her buttocks.

What if she was making a mistake?

For the briefest of moments, she wondered if she could trust her feelings for Jack. She had done so before and look where that had landed her. And they were in the duke's private study. Surely, they wouldn't be interrupted, but then that tiny pinprick of dread spread throughout her mind and soon, she was pulling back, frightened by her own desires.

"Wait," she said breathlessly, taken out of the moment as her thoughts raced.

Jack paused in his movements, acutely aware of her reluctancy. His soft, tawny curls fell over his forehead and those dark eyes stared deep into hers. A question poised in them that she wasn't sure she could answer.

What if this turned out like it had before? She couldn't deny these feelings, but last time she had laid with a man, he had left. Logically, she knew that Jack would never abandon her, but a deep, uncovered hurt resurfaced and she couldn't help but feel that old pain again.

"What's wrong?"

"Are you, I mean, is this," she could barely get the words out. She tried to steady her breath as her hands went to either side of his face. She stared at him. "Is this because you think I've been … generous with my affections?"

The word was innocent enough, yet the glare he gave her made her feel like she was suddenly in trouble. Oh, dear. Perhaps that hadn't been the right thing to ask.

"Is that what your being? Generous?"

"No," she said quickly, her eyes dropping.

"Then why ask?"

"I-I don't know."

"Are you attracted to me, Meredith?"

Mildly embarrassed, she nodded.

"Yes," she whispered.

"Good. Because I can't form a single coherent thought when I'm near you. I've been tortured these past days out of your presence and I find that no other person compares to you."

Meredith's chest rose and fell quickly, her heart beating wildly at his words. His hand came up between them and he trailed his scarred fingers up the center of her sternum. The course texture of his calloused fingers against her skin made her want to moan.

"Do you know what's to be found here, Meredith?"

"No," she said, closing her eyes as she practically liquefied against his touch.

"I think you do. I think you know exactly what will happen between us." Her breath hitched as his fingers moved, brushing gently against the peak of her breast. "You know the moment I felt it? It was at dinner that first night. When we sat next to each other. You forbade me to acknowledge you, but I couldn't think of anything else the entire night. How much it physically pained me being unable to touch you."

His thumb and forefinger pressed against either side of her nipple. He squeezed and pulled slightly, causing her to gasp as she leaned forward.

"Jack, please."

"I only ever want to keep you in a state of bliss," he said, his breath hot against her mouth. "I'd never make you feel less than because of it."

He kissed her hard then, teasing her with his fingers as he delivered just the right amount of pain to tip over into pleasure. Her hands crawled up his neck to hold him to her as she searched his mouth with her tongue, only to be met with an equal passion. She had never kissed anyone like this, with desire and fury intertwined. It was intoxicating.

"Oh," she moaned.

He didn't answer as he was too preoccupied with laying her back against the sofa. His hands were all over her as her back pressed against the plush cushions. He kissed her with a searing urgency that had surprised her. Not that she hadn't expected a man like Jack to be a physically powerful man, but he seemed to be matched perfectly against her own need.

His mouth moved down her chin to her neck, leaving a trail of fire over her skin until he reached the tip of her right breast. His hot tongue moved flat against it at first, causing her to groan, before teeth grazed the edge of her delicate skin. He sucked her into his mouth and Meredith shook as yearning pooled within her.

"My god, Meredith," he spoke against her skin, causing it to tighten under his breath.

She moaned as he took her back into his mouth and sucked. Her arms came up and wrapped around his head to hold him in place. Only he wouldn't be stopped. Jack was on a mission and after tenderly loving her other breast, Meredith felt his hands at the edge of her skirts by her ankles. His body slid off the edge of the sofa as his mouth laid burning licks at her breasts. Soon his hands were at her knees, then thighs, parting her legs.

Meredith tried to sit up.

"Jack, wait," she tried, but his strong hand found the center of her abdomen and pushed her down, gently but firmly. "I don't know if we should."

He moved back slightly, pinning her with his gaze. His one hand was balled into a fist at her side while the other was splayed across her bare stomach. The expression in his eyes was both demanding and pleading at the same time and Meredith felt lightheaded. Never had she felt so in control and yet, powerless. The combination was the strongest sensation she had ever felt.

"I just want to taste you, love."

With deliberate slowness, Jack kept his eyes on her as he lowered himself down, his solid chest moving across her shins as he settled over her, his hands pushed the hem of her night rail up.

Meredith's mouth hung slightly open as she watched him. She knew she should look away, but she felt frozen in place as he moved with excruciating slowness. It was as if he were deliberately trying to discomfit her. But it wasn't embarrassment she felt. It was something else entirely.

This wasn't at all like her experience had been with Clyde. He had been gentle enough, for she had been new and unschooled, but he had never stared at her like Jack was now, desperate and hungry at the same time. Clyde had been discerning in his movements and had been able to bring Meredith to ecstasy at least twice during their two weeks together, but their lovemaking had been the same every time. He had certainly never moved down her body like this.

Jack's gaze was itself an entire erotic experience and when he pushed her skirts up past her hips, exposing her most private parts, she felt both completely terrified and desperate.

His hand moved up her inner thigh until it found the core of her body. Meredith's bottom lip began to tremble slightly as he gently grazed the slick, intimate seam of her. She let out a shaky breath when, without waiting, he paused and pushed a finger deep into her. Meredith gasped and he did, too.

"God damn," he breathed, eyes locked with hers.

He moved his hand, pulling and pushing as he began to work a rhythm that made Meredith's eyes flutter. A moan escaped her mouth as her head dropped back. Before she could fully appreciate the feel of him within her, she felt a new sensation join his diligent finger. The scorching, flat wetness of his tongue pressed against her most intimate part. Her eyes flashed out and she tried to sit up, but his large hand came up to hold her still as he feasted upon her.

The muscles in Meredith's legs began to twitch and jerk as an exquisite feeling of ecstasy bubbled up inside of her. It was too fast, too large of a feeling and her mind went suddenly blank as a wave of pure pleasure she had never known came crashing over her. Her entire body convulsed as her legs bent around his shoulders. Her backside lifted off the sofa as the tremors racked her body and when she tried to twist away from him, his powerful arms wrapped around her thighs, as he held her to him in the obscenest way.

She shook against his mouth, almost pained by the amount of pleasure that moved through her. When she finally stopped shaking and the feeling subsided, she melted back into the sofa. Her limbs, her core, her entire body went limp and Jack gently dropped her hips as his hands rubbed her legs. Suddenly very aware of how exposed she was, she tried to press her legs together, although Jack was between them. He moved over her as she stared up into his beautiful face.

His tawny curls hung around his face as he watched her, the scars both prominent and invisible as she glanced up at him. He was beautiful, and not just in spite of his scars. His dark brown eyes shined in the firelight and Meredith had to fight the urge to rise up and kiss him. He was breathing heavily as he watched her from above, his hand coming up from her breast to stroke her cheek. Purposefully, her hands came up over his and she held it in place, against her face.

Eyes locked, Meredith felt some strange energy pass between them. It was wholly comforting, and she knew she would always be safe in this place, exactly as she was, but she was afraid..

"We shouldn't have done that," she whispered.

Though she had been the one to say it, Meredith couldn't find it in herself to regret their dalliance. Jack's face suddenly became unreadable. Feeling unsure, she tried to roll away and while he held her for a fraction of a second, he let her go.

Why had she said that? She pulled her robe together, sitting up on the sofa. She had liked it, loved it actually, but the fact that they were here, in Mountebank's home, surrounded by guests who had probably all learned about her past just hours earlier made her feel queasy.

She shouldn't have allowed it to happen.

"Are you sorry for it?" he asked after some time.

She shook her head, and peered over her shoulder. His face was carefully blank, his disheveled curls framing his scarred face. He was beautiful, like a fallen angel and for some reason she felt her heart break.

"Jack," she said softly. "What are we doing?"

"I don't know," he said as he moved, adjusting his legs to come out from under him, his feet falling to the floor. His hands came together as his elbows rested on his knees, seemingly in an attempt to keep from touching her. "I don't know."

It wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear, but then she wasn't sure either. She liked him, was attracted to him beyond reason, but even if she had discovered that she was madly in love with him, what could she do about it? She was still married.

The one, cold, dreadful truth. Like a stone weight around her neck, she felt it. She was married and she didn't have a plan because she wasn't free to make one.

Meredith pulled away from him and he didn't move to stop her. Standing up, she gazed down at her ruined nightgown and wondered for a moment how she would hide it. Perhaps she could burn it.

"I don't think … I don't think this should happen again," she said quietly as he moved to stand as well.

There was a long, almost pained silence that hung between them. She pulled her robe around her again, this time tightly and tied the waist band when he spoke.

"I disagree."

"Jack," she started as she faced him, but he held up his hand to stop her.

"I know what you mean."

"I don't think you do. I'm not free, Jack. I'm still technically married."

"To a bastard who abandoned you," he said, taking a step forward.

"Be that as it may, I don't control the courts. My marriage is still valid."

"You could sue for divorce. You have the grounds to do so. Hell, I could provide you with the lawyer," he said, coming towards her. They were inches away from one another and Meredith had to actively fight off the urge to touch him. When she didn't answer right away, his eyes narrowed. "But that's not it, is it?"

Arrogant fool. Who did he think he was to assume what she wanted?

"It is," she said. "Partly."

In truth, Meredith didn't know if she could trust her own convictions when it came to her feelings. She had wanted a man before and while Jack was the exact opposite of Clyde in every way, it had still come crumbling down. As much as she liked to believe she had gotten past it, she was frightened that she would make the same mistake. But she didn't trust herself.

"Tell me this then. If I wasn't me. If I was somebody else, Sir Kent, perhaps. Would you want me then?"

Meredith's brow instantly furrowed. What was he talking about?

"Sir Kent?" she repeated, confused. "Why would you mention him?"

"Would you?"

"It's a ridiculous question."

"So no?"

"Jack Archer, you are infuriating," she said as she spun away. "I do want you, only you, except…"

"Except what?"

"Except I'm not in a position to be making these kinds of choices. I'm still married and before you go suggesting some sort of affair, we can't. As clever as you think you are, we would be caught and I will not suffer through another scandal," she said. "I refuse to."

Jack reached for her and turned her around completely so that she faced him.

"But you won't seek a divorce?"

Meredith's eyes dropped, unwilling to explain it. As much as she loathed her marriage, it was the only thing keeping her from making another mistake.

"I don't think he would give me a divorce," she started. "Even if I could find him."

"Why not?"

"Because he would want something from me and I don't have anything to give," she said, looking into his eyes. "Don't you understand? I belong to him."

He shook his head, refusing to accept her words.

"You belong to me."

His words were fire-filled and sent her heart pounding and as much as she wanted to believe them, she knew they weren't true. She had never been his nor could she be while she was still legally bound to Clyde.

"I don't, Jack," she whispered. "Even if I wanted to."

"Then what is all this for, Meredith?" he asked, his dark, angry eyes boring into hers. "Your sister has gone through a world of trouble setting up dinners and balls and hunts all so you could find someone, but to what end?"

"My sister doesn't believe that my marriage was legitimate," Meredith began. "She thinks it wouldn't hold in a court of law in England."

"Even so, you refuse to petition for divorce," he said, his tone incredulous. "Why?"

Meredith shook her head.

"A divorce would cause a scandal and just as Beatrice is about to make her debut. I cannot do that to her. Not now." Meredith was being honest. As much as she felt like she was protecting herself from whatever heartbreak she might find with Jack, she also didn't wish to ruin her sister's season, or cause her mama any more stress. She took a deep breath. "As I told Sarah, I am perfectly content remaining under her employ."

"So, you would rather remain in this faux spinsterhood of yours?"

She clicked her tongue as her eyes began to sting. She didn't have much of a choice.

"I suppose it would be too much to ask you to wait?"

Instantly his fingers encircled her wrists and he held her in an almost punishing grip. She inhaled sharply, but it wasn't from fear. She was simply desperate to be held by him.

"Wait for what?"

"For my sister to wed?" she said, her tone hopeful. "It may be a year, possibly two—"

"A year?" he repeated, staring at her like she was mad. When she didn't answer him, he shook his head, obviously incredulous. He seemed unable to answer for several moments before shaking his head. "What would this year be like?"

"Well, we could court properly, I suppose. With letters and chaperoned walks."

He stared at her.

"You would wait a year or more for us to be together?"

"And you wouldn't?"

It was a stalemate of sorts. Meredith knew it was torturous to ask him to wait, especially when it seemed she was choosing her sister's chance at happiness over her own. But perhaps she was right to put forwards such a test. If the feelings they felt for one another were genuine, a year hardly seemed a terrible penalty.

Jack's shook his head.

"If it did go past a year, Meredith, I think I'd go mad."

"It would only be a year, possibly less," she said suddenly. "Beatrice will make her debut in six months. She's a bright, beautiful young lady. If she has any luck, she'll be engaged within the first few months, married by summer and then—"

"And then you'd petition the courts for a divorce?" Meredith nodded. "And what would we do in the meantime? Besides drive ourselves mad with not touching each other."

Meredith frowned.

"If your only concern is touching, then I don't see why we're even having this discussion," she said in a rush.

That earned her a withering glare from him and in the next moment, Jack had her pressed against him, his mouth hovering over hers. Her eyelids fluttered shut as she smelled the delicious scent of him. Dipping his head slightly, he rubbed his lips against hers.

"You wouldn't last a day," he whispered.

Meredith's eyes snapped open. Furious that he would use her own reaction to him against her, she wrenched herself out of his arms and grabbed the lapels of her robe with one hand, holding it beneath her chin.

"I should have known better to ask you to wait."

"You think it's easy to ask that of me, when I had to wait my whole life to get the things I wanted. I had to wait an eternity to become someone who mattered, and now that I am that someone, you ask me to wait even longer for something that shouldn't be this difficult," he bit out, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have to."

Her eyes lit with fire as she stared at him. The tear in her heart was temporarily eased by the fury she felt. Standing with her shoulders back, she stared him directly in the eye and spoke.

"Then I believe we are done here."

They stared at one another for a long time, lines in the sands drawn, each simmering in their own bitterness. Jack moved first, seemingly unwilling to stay any longer in the same room as her. But she wouldn't be bested. Instead, she made her way directly for the door.

"To hell with this," he said behind her, before she could leave. "Remain a spinster for a thousand years, Meredith. It won't bother me any."

"Very well," she said over her shoulder. "Good night, Jack."

She tore open the door and left the study, hurrying down the corridor as fast as she could before the tears she had been fighting off for the past quarter of an hour began to fall.