Chapter Five

K eegan's hands shook as he pulled his T-shirt off. Not because he was afraid but because the act of undressing reminded him of seeing Kerry's naked, sweaty chest. He'd somehow stayed busy enough not to dwell on the interaction all day long. His reprieve ended when he arrived at the Feisty Bull early to get a tour and a basic rundown on his game plan before his shift started. Most new hires began in specific positions, but he was there to learn all aspects of hospitality. Keegan didn't know where they'd start him, but he'd hoped it would be in the kitchen so he wouldn't gawk at Kerry all night long and remember his bare, slick skin and all those intriguing tattoos. His fingers itched to trace the dark lines and follow them wherever Kerry allowed. The restaurant manager had handed him black slacks and a red dress shirt with the Feisty Bull logo embroidered in black. It was the uniform for the front of the house, though some wore it better than others. Keegan ran his fingertips over the fabric and recalled the way Kerry's shirts stretched over his powerful chest and thick arms. He imagined stripping the fabric off him and letting it fall to the floor.

And then what? Would he ever be brave enough to physically go where his mind frequently traveled? Keegan would never claim to be an expert at relationships, but even he'd recognized the desire burning in Kerry's dark gaze that afternoon. He'd expected Sven to razz him about it, but he'd been too distracted by the surprise visitor. Any attempt to learn more about Dom was met with grumbling responses Keegan couldn't decipher, which only made him more curious. Sven seemed like a completely different person around Kerry's friend. His flirty, devil-may-care attitude disappeared in an instant, and Sven became more antagonistic, especially when Dom turned his charm in Keegan's direction. It had taken a solid hour for Sven's fabulous attitude to return. It was clearly a sore spot, and he wasn't about to poke it, though his friend wouldn't offer him the same grace.

Sven wasn't the only one rattled by Dom's flirtations. The glower Kerry had sent his friend made the thundercloud expression from the bar look like rainbows and sunshine. Desire and jealousy meant Kerry wanted him. Keegan would admit that, at least to himself, but that didn't help him figure out what to do with the knowledge. His new thrive mentality didn't come with an instruction manual. This was when Keegan needed to think like Sven. He'd know when to push and when to pull back to achieve the desired reaction. A knock sounded on the employee changing room door just as Keegan pushed his jeans down his thighs.

"Hey, Kee. You in there?" Kerry's voice made Keegan's breath catch. The gasp was audible in the small room, but could Kerry hear it through the door? The silence stretched on for only a few seconds, but it was long enough to trigger an avalanche of emotions, each one gaining strength as they tore down the mountain. Lust, longing, loneliness, and fear jockeyed for who'd come out on top when they reached the bottom. "It's Kerry."

As if his identity needed clarification. That delicious voice came to Keegan in his sleep and whispered the wickedest things. Lust was the victor when the landslide ended, burying his doubt and willingness to play it safe. Keegan knew exactly what to do. "Give me a sec," he called out as he shoved his jeans down his legs and kicked them aside. A quick glance at his body made Keegan extremely proud of the muscle and definition he'd added since moving to the ranch. His gaze landed on his white socks, which were the furthest thing from the sexy impression he wanted to make. Keegan stripped them off, then crossed to the door before he or Kerry could change their mind about this impromptu meeting. He took a deep breath for courage as he unlocked the door and pulled it open. "Hey. You're here early." Keegan's casual voice made it seem like he greeted people in his underwear all the time.

"I, uh…" Dark eyes devoured the bare skin on display.

Keegan placed his hand on the doorframe and let the big guy look his fill while he studied the reactions his near nudity triggered in Kerry. That big, beautiful body was pulled tight enough to snap, and a dark blush dusted Kerry's cheeks. Full lips moved but formed no words, and Keegan momentarily worried he'd gone too far until those wicked, dark eyes snapped up to meet his again. "Did you want to talk to me?" Keegan prompted.

"Talk?" Kerry's raspy voice hinted that talking wasn't the action on his mind.

Keegan had come too far to give up, so he doubled down by stepping back in invitation for Kerry to enter the small room. "What else could you want me for?" The teasing lilt in his voice was new, but he loved the reaction it got.

Kerry swallowed hard and even shook his head a little, as if to pull himself together, but his gaze remained dazed and ravenous. "Uh, talking. Sure. That's what I want."

Keegan let go of the door, turned his back, and sauntered farther into the room. Kerry's options were to catch the door and come in or wait in the hallway until he finished dressing. Keegan's actions said he didn't care either way, but his pounding heart betrayed the truth. Luckily, he didn't have to wait long to find out which option Kerry chose. The door thudded against Kerry's hand, and Keegan glanced over his shoulder as Kerry pushed it open and stepped into the small space. At best, three normal-sized people could get dressed in the room without bumping into each other. With Kerry inside, it felt like just enough space for them to grind up against each other. Keegan waited to feel the press of Kerry's body against his, but it didn't come. He turned and found the man leaning on the far side of the locker row. Pity, but Keegan was on a roll and had no intention of easing up on the gas.

He reached into his borrowed locker and turned to face Kerry. "So talk."

Kerry crossed his arms over his chest, the action making his biceps bulge beneath his red dress shirt. Keegan wanted to wear that one instead of the shirt hanging up in his locker. It would be warm and smell sexy and smoky like Kerry. Rueben had talked about wearing Seth's shirts occasionally and the closeness it evoked. Keegan could pretend it was a hug and not a simple piece of fabric. That thought teetered on desperation, and he clawed it back before it could kill his vibe. Keegan wanted to seduce Kerry with a glance, not remind him of an ASPCA commercial of a pitiful puppy in need of rescue.

"Get dressed." Kerry's voice sounded thicker, harder, not unlike the reaction it triggered in Keegan's black boxers.

Tilting his head to the side, Keegan curved his lips into what he hoped was a seductive smile. "You didn't want me to return the favor?"

Black brows knitted over a hungry gaze that traveled the length of Keegan's body once more. "Favor?"

"I got to ogle your body today, so it's only fair you get to see mine. Keeps the playing field level."

Kerry's eyes snapped back to meet his as he straightened to his full height and stalked a few steps closer. Unfortunately, he stopped before he got within touching range. "Playing? Is that what we're doing?"

"Is that what you want to do?" Keegan asked.

Kerry's nostrils flared with a deep inhale. "Fire. That's what you're playing with."

Flames of lust licked a path up Keegan's body until he was fully engulfed. An alarm went off in his brain, cautioning him not to provoke someone as large as Kerry Hart, but Keegan shut it down. Kerry was nothing like the monsters who'd hurt him. The knowledge added fuel to the fire instead of dousing it. "Why? You said you just came in here to talk." He took a few steps toward Kerry, daring him to back up. The big guy held his ground, but Keegan saw the indecision in his expressive gaze. So, he stopped again but well within Kerry's reach. Then, he lobbed a verbal volley back onto his side of the court. "Is there something else you have in mind?"

Kerry's arms fell to his sides, and Keegan stiffened with anticipation. Maybe he misunderstood Keegan's reaction because Kerry shoved his hands in his front pockets. "What I want to do and what I will do aren't the same thing."

Insecurity clawed through his newfound confidence and made him want to reach for his clothes. The last thing he wanted to see was pity or disgust in Kerry's gaze. The urge to lower his eyes was strong, but he forced himself to maintain eye contact. Brendan taught him how to view situations with his eyes and not the perceptions he projected onto everyone. It was challenging to do at the best of times, but practicing the technique nearly nude with Kerry felt impossible. Yet, he dug in and forced his own perceptions away and relied on his senses. Kerry's chest rose and fell with fast breaths, and his pulse hammered against his neck. His masculine scent was stronger in the cramped space, either from the internal heat making Kerry's eyes sparkle like black diamonds or because he'd put cologne on before coming to work.

"What do you want to do?" Keegan took the few remaining steps to bridge the gap between them, stopping just a few scant inches from Kerry's body.

Big hands came up and rested on Keegan's hips, fingers pressing deep. "Don't," Kerry said, even as he pulled Keegan closer.

"Don't?" Keegan prodded.

"Start things you can't finish."

Keegan quirked a brow and glanced down to where their midsections pressed together. He was hard as hell, and there was no way Kerry missed it, just as he was fully aware of Kerry's arousal. "Are you carrying around a lead pipe in there?"

"I'm serious, Kee. I can't hurt you."

"That's why they make lube, big guy."

The remark earned a small smile, but it didn't linger on Kerry's sensuous mouth. "I want you, and it would be foolish to deny it at this point." Kerry's fingers flexed on his hips as he heaved a sigh. "We don't want the same things."

"Two straining erections say otherwise." Later, he'd be equal parts mortified and impressed by his fortitude. Desperation led the charge because he was terrified his opportunity would slip away. "What is it you think I want from you? Marriage?" He waited for a horrified shudder to rack the big body pressed against his, but it never came. Keegan placed his hand on Kerry's chest and slid it upward until his fingers brushed up against silky curls. "Part of embracing my sexuality is getting familiar with my body and what pleases me. Thoughts of you bring me great pleasure, and I can promise you that marriage, babies, and happily ever after aren't included in my fantasies about you when I'm riding a dildo."

Kerry's lips parted, and a tortured gasp escaped. "I don't believe you."

"You want video proof with narration of every thought that crosses my mind?" He wouldn't do it, but Kerry's blistering curse made the idea tempting. "Or are you so arrogant that you think every person who fucks you also wants to marry you?"

"No, of course not."

"So, it's just me? You think I'm so pitiful that I will cling to any man who throws me a pity fuck?" Keegan's desire was taking a darker turn.

Kerry's restraint broke, and he pushed Keegan against a locker, pinning him with his massive body. Keegan had a momentary flash of fear, but it died when Kerry tenderly cupped his face. "You ever think I'm the one who doubts his ability?"

"Not for once." The idea was absurd.

"Well, you should," Kerry replied. Hungry eyes searched Keegan's face. Would Kerry kiss him? "I'm not built for happily ever after, Keegan. I don't want that. I know what it's like to love someone with your whole heart only to have them ripped away from you. I've seen what pinning your hopes and dreams on someone else can do. I never want to feel that level of desolation again. You are the first person to come along and test my resolve."

"And that's why you could so easily rattle off the length of time between our dances?"

"Yes." Kerry took a deep breath, and he dreaded what would come next. "But it doesn't change how I feel, and sometimes I resent the hold you have on me."

Keegan's heart sank, and his show of sexy bravado melted like an ice cream cone in August. The urge to get away, to hide and cover his body, rose swiftly, triggering fear and humiliation. He pushed against Kerry's broad chest, and he stepped back without hesitation. "I'm sorry. I know what you've lost, and I should've respected your boundaries."

Kerry turned his back on him and strode a few steps away, stopping abruptly and running both hands through his hair. He turned back around on a frustrated growl and returned to Keegan, but he didn't reach for him. "I don't want your apology. I want you to understand where I'm coming from. I care about you a lot, Keegan. You radiate warmth that draws me near, and you smell like sunshine. You've become my happy place, even if against my will." Kerry tried to smile to lighten the mood, but it fell flat. "You light up the world around you, and I never want to be just another asshole who dims your brilliance."

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Kerry's expression was that of a tortured man when he met Keegan's gaze again. "This is hard for me to say, but it's necessary. You deserve someone who will love you like Seth loves Rueben. I want you to find that guy because I can never be that for you." Kerry's breath hitched as he leaned his forehead against Keegan's. "But you won't find that kind of devotion at the Thirsty Cowboy or by looking in my direction. I don't want to be someone who breaks your heart, so please don't ask that of me."

The anguish in Kerry's eyes flayed Keegan to the bone. His honesty had cost him so much, and Keegan wouldn't be just another person who crushed Kerry's spirit. There was only one thing for him to do. "I won't."

They stayed that way for a few more glorious moments before Kerry eased back. "I'll see you out there."

He left without a backward glance, and Keegan had to remind himself several times throughout his shift not to look in Kerry's direction. Not when he shadowed Allison at the hostess station and learned the ins and outs of the seating charts and the booking software. The Feisty Bull accepted reservations, but the bulk of their patronage came from walk-ins. Keegan wasn't at all surprised when the entire ranch showed up to support him on his first night. He got a little flustered, knowing Cash was observing his interactions with the patrons. But his mentor's watchful gaze wasn't what made Keegan's hands shake when he switched from shadowing the hostess to a server midway through his shift. There was no one better to observe than Nate, but serving tables included many trips to the bar to place drink orders. Keegan avoided Kerry whenever he could by giving his drink orders to Ryder, and he avoided Kerry's gaze whenever the other bartender was busy. That was what Kerry claimed to want, but the intensity of his stare increased with each passing hour until Keegan thought he'd go nuts before the last customers cleared out.

The entire crew gathered at the bar to share a single drink of their choice to celebrate a successful night. It was a welcome reward after hustling for hours, but it didn't signal the end of their work. They needed to restore the restaurant to pristine order before they could leave, and the crew worked like a well-oiled machine to get it done efficiently. Keegan felt like a wrench in the cog, but he was grateful to everyone for either their time or instruction.

"The night's still young," Allison said when a group of them exited the restaurant through the back door. "Who's up for pizza?"

Keegan was dead on his feet. He hadn't slept well the previous night, and it felt like he'd been put through an emotional gauntlet from the moment his feet touched the floor that morning. But pizza sounded amazing, and he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts yet. "I'm in."

"Mind if I get a ride with you?" Nate asked. "I rode with Kelly, but she needs to head home. She has church choir practice before the service."

"Sure," Keegan said. "I'm just over there." He pointed toward the Redemption Ridge truck Cash let him drive.

"Hey, Keegan." Kerry's voice rang out from behind him. "Can we talk a minute?"

Several pairs of eyes shifted to Keegan, so he worked hard to conceal his dread. He clicked a button on the key fob. "Go ahead and get in," he told Nate. "This won't take long."

Nate darted a glance between Keegan and Kerry, then furrowed his brow. "Is everything okay? I couldn't help but notice you kind of avoided Kerry tonight."

Well, darn. So much for not being obvious. "Everything is fine. I'm sure he wants to ask me something about Sven." Nate sent one last questioning look in Kerry's direction before he walked away. Keegan pivoted and made his way to where Kerry stood next to the building. The area was heavily shadowed and kind of creepy, but he wasn't scared. Much. "Hey," he said casually.

"What the hell was that back in there?" Kerry's voice was low and gruff. He gestured toward the building in case Keegan needed clarification.

Keegan had thought his emotional tank was empty when he stepped outside, but Kerry's surly attitude reignited his spark. He straightened his shoulders and notched his chin higher. "I gave you what you wanted, Kerry. You said you didn't want me to look in your direction."

Kerry growled his frustration. "I didn't mean ever. I just don't want you to look at me with those bedroom eyes."

"I don't even know what that is, so I best keep my gaze averted."

"Please don't," Kerry said.

"Please don't what? You tell me not to look at you but then get upset when I do what you ask. Do you even hear yourself?"

"I know," Kerry groaned. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just don't want hard feelings between us. My family adores you, and they'd never forgive me if you stopped coming around because I'm an asshole."

"You're not an asshole," Keegan said. But he intended to scale back his time with the Hart clan. He would miss them like crazy, but his mental health wouldn't survive their matchmaking attempts. Keegan didn't really believe Kerry's standing with his family was in jeopardy, but his concern seemed sincere. "Everything will be okay. Tonight was just…raw. I'll see you around."

"Christ," Kerry bit out. "I recognize a brush-off when I hear it."

Keegan forced a laugh. "Don't be ridiculous."

"So, you'll be at dinner tomorrow night?" Kerry pressed.

"Unless something comes up." And it would.

Kerry huffed out a sigh. "Fine. Be careful tonight, okay?"

"I'll practice defensive driving and make sure I have Tums on hand for potential heartburn from eating greasy pizza late at night." He glanced over toward the truck where Nate waited. "And I don't think my co-pilot is into me, if that's what you're thinking."

Kerry hooked his finger in the open V of Keegan's dress shirt and released him as soon as their skin connected. That brief touch of bare skin was enough to transport him right back to the tiny locker room, where he came so close to knowing what Kerry tasted like. "Everyone is into you."

Along with the memory came the brief resurrection of his confidence. "Well, maybe this night will end better than I hoped. See you later."

Kerry called out his name before he made it three steps, but Keegan didn't slow his stride. Keep him guessing. That's what Sven would do.