Chapter 14

Arabella joined Grace at the breakfast table two days after Michael had left. It felt that time had slowed down without him being nearby. She was annoyed with herself that he should have made such an impression on her in such a short space of time, yet she felt as if she was not really taking part in her own life now that he had left. Without doubt, her heart was wherever Michael was, and that was both troubling and annoying.

"What time is Mr Wilson arriving this morning?" Grace asked, piling scrambled egg onto her plate.

"A little after breakfast," Arabella sighed.

"Why are you allowing him to spend so much time here when you are clearly not happy with him being around you?"

"Do we have to have this conversation over breakfast? I feel half asleep and have certainly not had enough tea for deep and meaningful discussions," Arabella appealed, pouring herself another cup of tea and bringing the warm liquid to her lips.

"I think your tiredness has more to do with an inability to fall asleep because of thinking of a handsome young man and not the one who will be visiting you this morning," Grace responded. "And if we do not chat over breakfast, then there is no time for private conversations, as Philip certainly knows how to wheedle invitations to remain here all day."

Arabella was used to Grace's bluntness, but because she was feeling more sensitive since Michael left, she responded more sharply than she had intended. "If you do not like it, you can always return home. I have leaned on you for support for weeks now, and I am sure there are other, more worthy causes you could be focusing on."

Grace paused before speaking. "That is the type of comment I had come to expect from the Arabella who had turned into a bitter hermit. They are not the words of the woman who was returning to herself because of the impact Mr Follett was having on you."

Arabella flushed. "It was not because of him that the changes were happening." It was a downright lie, but she could not admit what she was feeling for fear of being wrong again. How could she trust what she felt when she had been fooled by a coxcomb like Philip? There was also the niggle that she would be opening herself up to gossip by becoming attached to Michael; servants did not marry their mistress. It just was not done. A pity that her heart was constantly arguing against that train of thought.

"Is that so?" Grace responded.

"Of course." Silence descended, but then Arabella spoke. "Philip has asked me to marry him."

"I cannot say that I am surprised. I half expected him to declare himself as soon as he arrived, he seemed confident enough to be sure of your welcome. I have never met anyone with quite so much gall."

"Do you dislike him so much? You do not usually take against someone so vehemently."

"I dislike him for what he does to you," Grace said, reaching over and squeezing Arabella's hand. "If you choose him as your husband, I will keep all future opinions to myself, for it is not fair to try and undermine a marriage."

"What does he do to me? Does he have such a profound impact on me that deserves such censure from you?" Arabella was torn. The situation with Grace was reminiscent of the arguments she had gone through with her uncle the first time Philip had been in her life. Her lack of faith in her own judgement was making her more defensive than she would have been normally.

"You withdraw into yourself, becoming remote again, which is sad to see. Having the little glimpses of the old Arabella and then having them disappear again has felt like a double blow. You also seem to doubt yourself, which is hard to witness, for you were always so sure of your life choices until the accident."

"That was a hard life lesson to learn," Arabella said wryly. "But it was a reminder that none of us is infallible."

"It was, and I know he was not driving the carriage, but he still has to hold some responsibility about what happened, something I do not think he recognises."

"I think that is part of the reason that I feel conflicted and confused since his arrival. He acts as if nothing bad happened between us, but I have to give him credit for not responding with distaste when he saw me. He kissed my scarred cheek, for goodness sake!"

"You worry about your scars far more than anyone else does, which is understandable, but it does upset me that you are so focused on the wrong thing."

"I cannot stand to look into a looking glass. I did not think I should inflict the horror of what I was on anyone else."

"When you speak like that, I could shake you," Grace huffed.

Arabella laughed. "I know I have been very trying, and I thank you and my other dear friends for not abandoning me, but it was, is, how I feel."

She had not been feeling as self-conscious as she had, even with Sullivan and Mrs Johnson. Michael had never reacted or commented on her inability to complete anything. He had just compensated for whatever she was struggling with, whether it was reaching for accounts from a high shelf or helping her on her horse. It had been the perfect way to make her relax, and then she had been tormenting herself by brushing his arm or touching him, acting and feeling as if she could still be desirable.

"Since you went out on visits with Mr Follett, you have been different. Well, until Philip arrived. Do you love him? I am referring to Philip, of course." Grace had cocked an eyebrow, but Arabella ignored the jibe.

"I thought I did," Arabella answered honestly. "When I took off to London, I thought that there would never be anyone like him, that I would never feel so strongly or be so smitten. I was so sure, I would have done anything for him. I was giving up everything of mine, losing the good regard of my only living relative."

"But now you feel that you were wrong?"

"That is it. I just do not know. I do not trust my judgement anymore. Why would I have faith in myself when I made a huge mistake once before? I did not for one moment think that on being unable to access my fortune, he would turn to someone who could give him the lifestyle he wanted."

"If he had truly loved you, that would not have mattered."

"That is easy to say, but you are not faced with the prospect of no food on the table or place to call your own. I do not like to think that he just wanted me for my money, but in some ways, I understand it, although I was not so magnanimous when I found out."

"We all make mistakes, Arabella, especially in our youth. The trick is not to let it affect the rest of your life."

She raised her eyes at her friend. "I believe you are being a little hypocritical there, my dear Grace. Do not think I am missing the fact that, in some ways, our stories are similar, even though I am only guessing at yours."

For the first time since Arabella had met her, Grace blushed. "You are perfectly correct. I am comparing our two experiences, but only because I do not wish you to end your days like me."

"I do not understand."

"A spinster, with the best of friends most certainly, but I go home each night and I am alone."

"Oh, Grace! You can live here with me! I did not realise that you are suffering so, or I would have offered sooner." Arabella was mortified that her friend, the mother to them all, was feeling bereft and alone. She would be writing to her friends to make them aware of the situation; they must all do more to make Grace feel valued.

Grace laughed. "I seem to recall you threatening to throw me off your estate if I did not leave you alone."

Mortified, Arabella reached over and squeezed Grace's hand. "I am sorry. If I had known…"

"You were suffering yourself, and do not feel any remorse on my account, I have had a long time to get used to the situation."

"I am grateful that you all kept in touch. I know I did not deserve it because of my behaviour."

"Friends do not desert each other when times are difficult," Grace said, returning the squeeze. "I was going to wait until you were all settled before announcing my intention, but I will tell you now because I do not wish you to start planning for my future. Within the next few months, I will be moving abroad."

"Why? Where?" Arabella pulled back as if she had been struck.

Smiling, Grace shook her head. "I do not mean immediately. Everything is just in the planning stage, for you are not settled yet, and I am not going to leave until you are, but I thought that it was time I saw something of the world. I will employ a companion, and we are going to explore Europe while everything has settled after Napoleon is no longer a threat."

"But you will return?"

"I am not going to disappear. Perhaps you can visit me when I find somewhere that I would like to settle," Grace assured her.

Used to feeling a deep sense of unhappiness, Arabella knew without doubt that Grace was not being honest with Arabella or herself. There was so much sadness and unspoken words in Grace's declaration that Arabella knew there was more to the story. Now was not the time to push her friend, but she was determined to find out more and seek the counsel of their wider circle.

"You think I am going to accept Philip's proposal."

"I think there is a high chance that you will."

"But you do not agree with that decision?"

"As I have said, I will support you in any way that I can. I saw how you reacted when he kissed your cheek and embraced you. It was as if you were grateful to him for showing us all that he did not find you repulsive."

"The way he responded in such an unaffected way did help to alleviate some of the ill feeling I had towards him."

"Just promise me that you will only marry him because of love, not gratitude."

Sullivan entered the room and announced that Mr Wilson had arrived.

"Speak of the devil and he will appear," Grace muttered.

"Grace!" Arabella choked out, but her eyes danced with amusement.