21. The Prince and the Beast

THE PRINCE AND THE BEAST

E lle cannot know how it tears me apart to stay away from her. She has no idea how it tortures me not to be inside her every minute of the day. It's even beginning to torture me that she can't see me. She can't truly know me. Or who I used to be. The pain grows with each passing day that I realize she'll never know the man I used to be. The prince who she could have stood proud next to.

She could never love the beast I've become. If only I could go back to what once was.

I thought it would be easy to go without being known, but perhaps I only convinced myself of that after all those long years in the castle. Perhaps I only told myself I did not need to be seen and known because I know too well how it is when people see and judge without knowing.

When I leave Elle, I do it with my hand over my heart and a strange emotion in my chest. I think it is longing, but I thought I was past longing for things many years ago. I thought I had come to terms with the bargain I'd made.

All those lives for mine. That was what I did. I accepted this isolation in exchange for saving the village, my most loyal men, and the innocents I was supposed to protect. I thought then that there was a chance of ending the curse, but after I knew there wasn't one…

I go back into my rooms, the door closing quietly behind me, holding in pain and anger and most of all, regret.

I want to go back to her. Why do I want what I cannot have?

"I cannot have it," I yell to the windows in my room, pacing in front of them, purposefully not looking too far past the wall. The rage rises from the beast as I pace. There are many things I could have done in those lands if I hadn't accepted the witch's bargain, but that would have meant sacrificing the innocent, and I couldn't do that. That's not the duty of a prince.

A prince has to protect his people. It was my duty…but then it all changed, and I never knew that was a part of the deal.

"Why do I want this?" I growl, hearing the beast in my voice.

"I don't want her to see me," I say, and then I say it again. I say it until I almost believe it.

And I have many reasons to believe it. If Elle sees me for what I truly am, she'll never want me to touch her again. I've looked upon the mirror many times years ago. I've seen the hideousness and terror of the beast. A prince no longer exists. Even when I look upon my flesh, I know it is not what is seen.

I pace around my rooms until I've exhausted the urge to run and the beast has settled. He must sense that I'm not going to go back to our Elle.

It feels like days instead of hours when the large tray from the kitchen follows me to Elle's room. I do not know as much about her as I want, but what I know is that she loves being fed delicacies. She did not have enough food when she lived in the village, and I can give her this. I will remind her of what I provide and be thankful for that.

This time, when I knock, there is only a short pause, and then she calls, "I've put my blindfold on."

I go into her room. "I've brought dinner for you, my beauty."

Elle's smile and blush that come with it make the hours of waiting worth it.

I feed Elle from my hand on the rug before her fireplace, the two of us seated on comfortable cushions the house has provided. Elle hardly stops smiling. I feed her a sweet bite, then a savory one.

She enjoys my company; I'm sure of it. That pleases a piece of me that's desperate for her love. I want her to crave every bit of me that she can. I want her to need me so that if the day comes where she sees me, she will stay. She must. I do not know what I will do if she cannot find it in herself to…

"It's all delicious." She sighs after pulling her lips away from my fingers. The slight suction reminds me of the pleasure she provided earlier. I fucking love it. "Every bite."

"Then why are you making it harder to feed you?"

Her mouth drops open. "Am I?"

"I can hardly fit this bite between your lips."

Elle opens her mouth wider, her cheeks pink underneath the blindfold.

"That is better." I grin wickedly, enjoying the sight of her before me. I tease her and feed her and relish the moment.

The more she eats, the more relaxed I feel. The more relaxed Elle feels as well, or at least the magic in the castle is warming to this. My heart pounds with feeling. I did not intend to let any emotion I feel about Elle become so strong, but how could I prevent this?

She has come into the castle that has been my prison for so long and treated it like a home. She has awakened the magic in all the rooms, even the ones I allowed to become the most forgotten. The halls that used to be occupied with life and celebration have come back to life, although they are vacant when I pass…unless she is there.

I stroke the side of her cheek, and she smiles at my touch. Brightening and leaning into me.

It is late when I banish the tray, sending it back to the kitchen for the dishes to be cleaned and put away for the night. What I should do is get up and leave her to the rest of her evening, but my eye catches on something sitting on a table near the chair by the fireplace in her room.

"What have you been reading?"

Confusion crosses Elle's face, but then it is replaced with excitement. I wish I could see her eyes. I can't, as they are covered by the blindfold.

"Oh," she begins, sounding delighted. "A book about a man who sails across the sea and has many different adventures when he arrives." Elle smiles. "I find them thrilling."

It has been years since I have read but I vaguely remember the tales of adventure. The memories bring back much emotion, but I suppress it, instead focusing on her gorgeous face.

"Read to me," I request before I can help myself.

Her shock lasts longer. " Read to you?" she asks.

"Yes."

I turn her around on the cushion, facing her toward the fire, then retrieve her book and rearrange my own cushion so I am seated behind her. I place the book in her hands, then touch the knot at the back of the blindfold.

"You will not turn around, my beauty," I murmur as I tap the knot of the blindfold.

"I will not turn around…I promise," she whispers in agreement.

Then I take the blindfold off.

She flips through the book, her head bowed, perhaps finding another place to start. I think she is scanning through the words because she lifts her head and starts to turn to look at me, inhaling as if she's going to speak.

I'm halfway out of my seat before I can see her eyes. Elle jerks her head forward, and I freeze, waiting to make sure she won't turn around again before I settle onto the cushion.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I'm so sorry. I'm just…are you sure you want me to read to you?"

"I would love for you to."

She smiles, and though I can't see her face, I can see it in her body and the ease that she settles into.

Then Elle tells me she's just got to a place in the book that would be perfect and asks if it's all right or if I'd like to start at the beginning.

The tale is a thrilling one and the cadence of her voice is entrancing as she reads to me. I think she has returned to a part she has read before, because the words fall smoothly from her lips. It is all so beautiful that I am lulled into relaxing. Slowly, she rests against me and her touch and her voice…they are everything.

It has been so long since I allowed myself to enjoy the leisure that life has to offer. I've spent my days wanting to go back in time. It has been so long since pleasure was something I could have at all. Even surrounded in all of this. I had forgotten the pleasure of a beautiful voice reading an intriguing story.

As her cadence becomes more and more comfortable, I realize I'm genuinely interested in the hero and his travels, as well as Elle and the warmth of the fire. I catch myself closing my eyes for longer and longer periods of time. Once, my chin nods toward my chest and I do not know how long it stays there before I notice and lift my head.

The next time my eyes close, I concentrate on her voice until I can see the hero and his ship sailing across the waves in the sun. It's only after quite some time that I understand I've begun to dream, and shortly after that I realize that Elle has stopped reading.

I jerk my head upright and my eyes fly open. The angle of Elle's face says that she is about to peek over her shoulder. I shoot my hand forward and grasp her chin, turning her head toward the fire.

Elle trembles slightly in my hold, a faint fear in the magic between us. The fear is so slight that I realize she is also aroused by my touch, though I may have startled her by moving so quickly.

I cannot blame her for being tempted. Elle has been so obedient, but even she must wonder what I'm hiding from her. She might be tempted even now.

But Elle doesn't put any pressure on my hand. She keeps her eyes forward, and I keep it there, forcing my breath to slow.

I could put her on the chair, or the bed, or even the cushion she's sitting on right now. I could take her roughly and put her to sleep once again like I did last night. The desire is there, but the fear of what she could have seen…

"It's time for sleep," I command her, not asking her. I am also commanding myself because the beast wants Elle as much as I do. He growls for her, almost whining to be able to mark her, but I do not let him.

"Will you stay?" she dares to ask.

"No." My answer is immediate.

Elle nods in understanding, and I want to go to my knees in front of her cushion and spread her thighs and lick her until she comes all over my tongue. I will never tire of tasting that sweetness, and from the way Elle smells, all warm with desire like she craves my touch, she would not mind if I did so.

But after nearly falling asleep in her presence, I do not know if I could maintain the kind of control I'd need to have if I took her again.

I need to hold onto this forever. If I lose her…surely I will lose myself.

If I did that, I might succumb to the urge to give in to her request to stay for the night. I know Elle would try to keep the blindfold on as she slept, but there is no guarantee it is possible, and then the worst might happen. Her eyes would go wide with horror and fear, and it would not be something I could take back.

I do not want that to happen, I remind myself sternly. I never want her to see what the curse has done to me, because everything we have together in the castle now would be destroyed.

I allow myself a moment more of feeling her breath, and then I slip my hand away from her chin. I'm saddened as I get up from behind Elle, watching her to make sure she doesn't start to turn. She doesn't. She keeps her eyes on the book that rests in her hands, one finger tracing the pages.

Is she imagining reading to me again?

I imagine her voice reading me more of the story. I even imagine continuing every night until we reach the end, then choosing another book from the library together. I could not let her see me, but I could read her the titles and describe them to her.

Reluctantly, I go out into the hall and close the door behind me with a firm click .

My senses and the beast's are attuned to her, and I cannot bring myself to leave right away. Instead, I stand outside the door and listen.

I wait until I hear her pad across to the bathroom that adjoins her room, then pad back to her bed and get in. I hear the rustle of the covers as she climbs into bed and settles.

"I'm tired," she says, and I do not hear the candles go out, but I know they do.

The walk back to my room is lit with similar candles, but it feels darker without Elle.

When I am back in my room, I go to the window and look out. It is true that Elle is safer with me in another part of the castle because of the beast's urges.

I peer up at the sky, wishing times were different. The sky is dark except for the stars. There's a new moon tonight. The new moon…pitch black. The beast craves the full moon. He nearly howls for it.