Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Isabelle

It feels so good to get ready with a full array of hair products and makeup; like I’m reclaiming part of myself that I haven’t been on speaking terms with for the last forty-eight hours. I’m not delusional enough to think it will affect the power balance, but it makes me feel steadier all the same. The woman looking back at me in the mirror is still in over her head, but at least she looks good while she drowns.

My phone pings as I finish touching up my lipstick. I almost don’t want to look at it. Undoubtedly, it’s one of my sisters, and neither option sounds appealing right now. Cordelia will demand to know where I am so she can retrieve me. She’s got the makings of being as good a leader as our father, but she’s not rational when it comes to the people she loves. It doesn’t matter that we need Beast and Gaeton back; she thinks I’ve sold myself for their loyalty and my being hurt by that choice is something she can’t abide by.

Father never would have let it get this far.

I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing slowly until the burning behind my eyelids passes. It doesn’t matter what Father would or would not have done. He’s gone, and the responsibility that he seemed to shoulder with such ease has fallen to us. Cordelia needs her head in the game, and I cannot fail in bringing these men back into the fold. Lives depend on it.

Easier to focus on that purpose than the conflicted feelings inside me. If the last two days have taught me anything, it’s that I never stopped loving Gaeton and Beast. Worse in some ways, now that we’ve forcibly torn down the film of niceness that coated our past relationships, I love them more. Something I didn’t think was possible. Suffice to say it’s an inconvenient truth. There is no walking away from this unbloodied. I check my phone before I can procrastinate further.

Sienna: Check your email and get the answers back to me ASAP.

Me: You know, algorithms aren’t the answer to everything.

Sienna: Do you have a better option?

Me: …

Sienna: I didn’t think so. Answer the questions and I’ll get the program put together.

I don’t exactly have a high horse to stand on for this situation. Her algorithm sounds like a terrible idea, but so does a two-week sex pact. I open my email and find the shared document she wants me to fill out. I hold my breath and click through. The questions are both what I expect, and not what I expect. Everything from the ability to give a dual orgasm to cuddling to whether or not they leave their laundry in a pile on the floor or put it away immediately. I’m a little impressed at her thoroughness despite myself.

I glance at the time and perch on the edge of the tub to fill out the answers. It’s weirdly nostalgic to type them out, a reminder of a time when things weren’t exactly simpler, but there wasn’t a deadline hanging over my head. Answering these questions brings up memories I haven’t allowed myself to think of since my respective relationships ended.

Like how Beast had a knack for showing up when I least expected it with a sweet treat or a cup of coffee. Or the one time I came back to my room after a long day dealing with my sisters and found that he’d cleaned it so every surface practically shone. He didn’t always use words to tell me how he felt about me, but he spoke through his actions time and time again.

And Gaeton? He was always, always willing to try anything I was into, whether it was to listen to a book I was reading on audio or to marathon a show I wanted to try out. We could laugh and giggle and sing in the car like goofs and I never felt like I had to be cool and collected in order for him to want me.

Even when we weren’t communicating our deeper needs, it was so good being with them in other ways. I swallow hard. Just answer the questions and move on. I finish quickly enough and send a text letting her know. I still don’t think an algorithm will help me decide things, but Sienna won’t leave it alone and, honestly, it can’t hurt.

Then there’s nothing to do but get dressed. Tink left me three dresses to choose from and I run my hands over one after the other. Black and a deep purple and a cheery yellow. I touch the yellow. Another time. The black is a better option, though it’s something more in-your-face sexy than I’ve ever worn in public.

I carefully pull it on. The fabric fits like a second skin, making it impossible to wear anything under it, an asymmetrical cut that is long sleeved on one side and sleeveless on the other. It featured two cut-outs, one a deep diamond between my breasts, the other a circle right at the curve of my waist that leaves half my hip exposed. It’s not exactly indecent, but it’s the kind of dress that makes one think of easy access and fucking. The fact that it hits the top of my knees does nothing to combat how naked I feel; more naked than when I actually was naked.

I take another deep breath and shake out my hair, giving it a little extra toss for volume. I look like a sex kitten, like the dirty little slut I play for these men.

I … like it.

Beast is waiting for me in the bedroom, dangling a pair of strappy black heels from his finger. He drinks me in, his gaze going hot and intense. “You look good, princess.”

“Thank you.” I clear my suddenly dry throat. Strange to feel so affected when I’ve literally been naked with him for two days, but nothing makes sense when it comes to this situation any more. I reach for the shoes, but he shakes his head. “Sit.”

“I can do it myself.”

“I know. But I want to.”

Impossible to argue with that. I sit on the edge of the bed. My heart leaps into my throat as he goes down to one knee before me. “Beast—”

“I have a question, and I want you to answer it honestly.” He lifts my foot and slips it into the first heel. His hands have committed more acts of violence than I can begin to guess, but he touches me like I’m something priceless, due the utmost care. It should irritate me, should be a reminder to how he never let me see the truth of him before. It’s different this time. I don’t know why.

He doesn’t speak again until he has my second shoe on, and then he pins me with a look. “Why didn’t you choose one or the other to begin with?”

A lump forms in my throat. It’s a question I’ve been asked dozens of times, from my father to people who are barely more than strangers. The only two who never actually asked me are Gaeton and Beast. They’re the only ones I owe an answer to. “Because I’m selfish.” When he just waits, obviously wanting more, I press my lips together. I can do this. I can be honest. “You are both so different. I wanted you because you’re this mystery wrapped up in the prettiest package I’ve ever seen. I wanted Gaeton because he’s giant and brutal and yet has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. Being with you brings out different things in me.” My voice wobbles a little bit, but I power through. “And I liked that you were both mine, that I was both of yours. The things Gaeton accused me of are the truth of it. Part of me got off on bouncing back and forth between you.”

His expression gives me nothing. No condemnation. Certainly not forgiveness. “There are people who aren’t meant for monogamy, Isabelle.”

I’m not sure if he’s trying to absolve or condemn me. “If you really believed that, you wouldn’t be having me choose at the end of this.” I hold up a shaking hand when he starts to speak. “I’m not trying to get out of the choice. I’m just saying that what we had before didn’t work. We can’t go back to that.”

“No, what we had before didn’t work.” He rises smoothly to his feet and tugs me off the bed. “Do you trust us to take care of you tonight?”

I try for a smile, but it doesn’t feel natural on my face. “I thought you wanted to punish me.”

“Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.” He brushes strokes a finger down my jaw. “You’re going to be on display, princess. Are you ready for that?”

I don’t know. I truly don’t. Part me wants to curl up in a ball at being the center of a scene in front of an audience. But the rest of me? My skin goes hot and my pussy gives a pulse of desire. If it was just me, maybe it would feel different, but it’s not just me. I have Beast and I have Gaeton and, if things are beyond complicated between us, I still trust them to guide me through. “Yes.”

“Good.” He leads me out into the main room where Gaeton is waiting for us. “We have something for you.”

Gaeton’s the one who opens the large square box before me. The smile he had for Tink is nowhere in evidence now. I want to apologize, but words aren’t enough anymore. Maybe they never were.

To distract myself, I look down and go still. The solid black collar is plain enough, but the carefully crafted rose in the center needs no other ornamentation. I reach out tentatively and brush my finger against the red petals. They’re all jewels, cut into a perfect rendition of my favorite flower.

“This tells everyone in the Underworld that you’re ours.” Gaeton holds perfectly still. “Will you take it?”

“Yes.” I don’t have a choice, but that’s not why anticipation thrills through my blood. This marks them as mine as much as it marks me as theirs. I want that marking. I want the world to know that I am connected to these two men. That I am owned by them. A primitive, uncomfortable feeling, but I refuse to shy away from it. The last couple days haven’t been easy by any means, but the harshness of our words and actions have been a strange sort of balm for my soul.

This is that nebulous thing I always craved but could never define. The element missing from both my relationships with them.

Beast takes the box from Gaeton. “Put it on her.”

Seeing the delicate collar in his big hands does something for me. I press my lips together and hold perfectly still has he lifts my hair off my neck and fastens the collar around my neck. His fingers linger against my nape for the barest second. “Too tight?”

“No.”

He steps back, depriving me of his solidness at my back. I close my eyes for a long moment to try to get control of my emotions. I feel like an exposed nerve right now. No matter how close we get, Gaeton keeps holding himself at a distance.

I don’t know if he can ever truly forgive me.

I don’t know if I can pick him if forgiveness isn’t on the table, even if it’s a forgiveness I don’t deserve.

When I open my eyes, it’s to find Beast watching me. I catch him completely unfiltered for an entire breath, the longing on his face potent enough to rock me back on my heels. I don’t know if he’s looking at me or at Gaeton at my back. Before I can figure it out, he locks himself down again, his expression carved in ice just like it always is. “Let’s go.”

The trip to the Underworld is no less strange this time around, albeit in a different way. Beast leads us past the beautiful front desk guy, with Gaeton half a step behind me. Through the towering door and into the carefully dim lounge. I start to look around, but Gaeton’s quiet “eyes forward, Isabelle” jerks my gaze to the center of Beast’s back. I promised I’d follow their lead, and this is the barest of an order. It’d be foolish to disobey over something so mundane.

We end up in a booth in the middle of the section, with me between the two men. Beast and Gaeton exchange a look, and Beast slips away before Gaeton has a chance to say anything. The big man glares, but remains at my side. I smooth my hands down the slick fabric of my dress. “Have I done something to piss you off in the last twelve hours?”

“What?” He finally looks at me, really looks at me. “Why would you say that?”

I lift my brows. “Really, Gaeton? Can you think of anything you’ve done that might lead me to this conclusion?”

He flushes a little and leans back, some of the tension bleeding out of his body. “I suppose since we demand honesty from you, offering anything less in return is a shitty thing to do.”

“I suppose so.” I find myself holding my breath. If we were good at communicating before, maybe we wouldn’t have left a trail of trauma behind us to get to this place. If we have any hope at a future, we have to be able to talk. “Can you just tell me this—is there any chance of you forgiving me?”

Shock widens his eyes a little. “I’ve already forgiven you.”

“No, you haven’t.” I shake my head. “It’s okay that you haven’t. I hurt you terribly. But what I need to know is if there’s a possibility I can earn your forgiveness.”

He inhales like he’s going to argue with me, but further tension bleeds from his body with his exhale. “I don’t know. I …”

I fight for a tentative smile even though his answer feels like a punch in the solar plexus. “Thank you for being honest.”

Gaeton reaches to smooth my hair back from my face, his hand moving as if he can’t help himself. “I never stopped loving you. I don’t think either of us did. It’s just all tangled up in the other shit.”

“There’s a lot of other shit.” That’s the crux of the matter. Maybe if we’d all been this honest the first time around, we’d have a chance. Two weeks is not enough time to fight for both the future and to be free of the sins of the past. Choosing one of them might very well be a moot point, just prolonging the inevitable crash and burn. “I don’t know if we can find a way through.”

His gaze trails to where Beast is leaning against the bar, wearing his customary dark jeans and plain T-shirt. “Beast has a plan. I just can’t decide if it’s a good one or downright disastrous.”

I cautiously lean my head against his broad shoulder and nearly whimper with relief when he wraps his arm around me and tucks me against his side. “I missed you,” I whisper.

He tenses, but it’s almost like he can’t hold it. Gaeton pulls me closer and brushes a kiss to my temple. “I missed you, too.”

I half expect Beast to be irritated that we’re cuddling while he’s retrieving drinks, but he looks inordinately pleased as he walks back to the booth to find me nearly in Gaeton’s lap. He carefully sets the drinks on the table in front of us. Whiskey for him and Gaeton. A gin and tonic for me. He slides into the booth on my other side and then I’m sandwiched between them. Beast starts to speak, but a new group of people walk into the lounge and he leans back, words unsaid.

I see why when the pair of men peel off, leaving two women striding toward the bar. One is white and slight, with short white-blond hair. She’s wearing pleated gray trousers that stop at her ankles and show off red-bottomed heels. Suspenders cling to her narrow shoulders and frame her pristine white blouse.

The other woman is tall and Black. Her long hair is styled in thin dreadlocks that start black and shift to a rich red at the ends, and she’s wearing a wrap dress that shows off her generous curves to maximum effect.

The women are stunning.

They’re also two of the most dangerous people in Carver City.

Malone and Ursa.

Ursa’s attention lands on us and she gives a satisfied smile as if we’re right where she expected us to be. She motions for Malone to keep heading to the bar and strides to our booth, her brightly printed dress swishing with each step. She glances at the men and then narrows her attention on me. “My condolences on the loss of your father.” She almost sounds like she means it.

“Thank you.” The reply is automatic.

Ursa’s gaze flicks to the collar around my neck. “I didn’t realize you were a patron of the Underworld.”

Neither Beast nor Gaeton seem that inclined to jump in, but it’s just as well. At the end of the day, they are generals and I’m the sister of the new territory leader. I have to be able to stand on my own, or run the risk of telegraphing a weakness that will have sharks circling, scenting blood in the water. Ursa’s already at our doorstep. We can’t afford to have anyone else sniffing around. “It’s a recent development, brought along by a mutual interest.” I lean back a little, letting Beast and Gaeton’s strength cushion me on either side. “I’m sure you understand.”

“With those two delicious specimens, no one can blame you.” She finally gives the men her full attention. “It is both of you, isn’t it? I would hate to see another situation like before, where you’re hauling these boys around by their heartstrings. It’s an entertaining spectacle, but hardly sends the message of strength.”

“Ursa.” I draw on every bit of training I’ve had growing up, knowing how to wield words as effectively as my men wield weapons. “I would think our current situation speaks for itself.”

Her smile widens as if I’ve delighted her by daring to push back. “I suppose we’ll see, won’t we? Have a good night, Isabelle. The Underworld has a number of delights to offer. It’d be a shame if you left without partaking.”

I match her smile, feeling more than a little vicious. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Wonderful.” She nods at Beast and Gaeton and then strides to the bar where Malone waits, having watched the whole thing.

I don’t let myself relax. “No going back now.”

“There never was, princess.” Beast laces his fingers through mine and lifts our joined hands to press a kiss to my knuckles. “Don’t worry about performing. Just trust us to take you through it.”

As if it’s that easy. Maybe it is that easy for them.

I glance up at Gaeton, but he’s back to shielding his thoughts from me. It’s just as well. This isn’t the time or place for the conversation we need to have. I don’t know when the time and place is, though. I don’t have the answers he obviously needs. He doesn’t know if he has the forgiveness I crave. We are an unmitigated mess.

Beast squeezes my hand. “Ready?”

No. Not in the least. And yet a part of me is more than happy to nod, to do anything to muffle the thoughts crowding in, threatening to suffocate me. “I’m ready.”

“Then let’s go.”