11. Radley

ELEVEN

RADLEY

"Oh my God, it's true!"

I bolted upright. My eyes scrunched tight before the burst of light from opening them so quickly burned my retinas. I attempted to cover my ears from the vicious and unnecessary way the door burst open and banged against the wall, not to mention the volume of the yelling, but it was too late.

Why was there yelling? It had to be the middle of the night, which meant I had to force myself back to sleep so I could continue with the most perfect dream I'd ever had; one that involved running and books and hot chocolate… and Lux.

Lux and his muscles.

Ugh, his muscles, and his ass. During every run we'd been on since the first one when he'd moved ahead of me, I'd stared at his ass. It was impossible not to. Firm, round… the by-pr oduct of a million squats.

I tried to open my eyes again, slower this time. One after the other lifted to find Millie standing over me, hands on her hips.

Maybe it wasn't the middle of the night.

Shuffling up the mattress and yanking away all the hair which had caught under my shoulder, I yawned wide and sat up.

"What?"

"It's true."

"What's true?"

She turned and threw her bag onto her bed, then opened the blinds. This time I was prepared, and ducked under the comforter.

"You're still in bed. I saw Meg outside and she said you hadn't emerged yet, but I said that couldn't be true because you never slept in."

I rubbed my eyes while I tried to figure out what was going on. "What time is it?"

"Eight thirty. Have some of this." She placed a cup of coffee on my nightstand, along with a package wrapped in the familiar envelopes I knew so well; the ones which traveled through a secure network of federal agencies instead of U.S.P.S. "And something came from your mom. Meg handed it to me."

I ignored the package because one arrived every week, and I knew contained a note, plus a dozen packets of the White House M I'd become one of those people who responded as quickly as possible.

Radley: I'm a pancakes girl, actually.

Lux: Good to know. *wink*

Sucking in my cheek, I tried to ignore the hot glow spreading over my body.

It happened every time I thought about Lux, or received a new message, or saw him… which was becoming more frequent. While I hadn't seen him every day, I did talk to him. And I soon realized how much I looked forward to seeing my phone light up with a message, or the buzz of an incoming FaceTime. Even thinking about it made my skin tingle.

I looked up to find Millie peeling off her sweaty gym clothes. "Did you work out already?"

"I said goodbye to you when I left, and you grunted." She kicked a leg out, and her panties flew through the air to the laundry basket. Her hands shot up as they fell in. "Score!"

"I do not remember that."

I plumped my pillows and leaned back into them as the sound of the shower echoed through from the bathroom Millie and I shared. We'd known each other so long, she never bothered closing the door. Sometimes it was like we were an old married couple. I wasn't sure if it would be the same i f we'd had to share with other undergrads, but luckily the dorms either side of ours were taken by my detail, and they had their own bathrooms.

So we had this one to ourselves.

I stifled another yawn, though I think it was more out of habit than feeling tired. I didn't feel tired. I felt… energized. Rested. I felt like I could jump out of bed and tackle the day head-on, which I'd do once Millie was out of the shower and I'd finished my coffee. No point hanging around waiting for a shower to be free when you could stay all cozy in bed…

But as soon as she was done, then I'd be jumping out.

Instead, I ripped open my package and tipped it upside down; eight boxes of Presidential M soft and firm all at the same time.

"Sweetheart, good morning. How are you?"

"Hey, Mom, I'm good."

"Are you sure? Because you can come home…" she said, like she did every day when I spoke to her.

"Mom, I'm good here. I don't need to come home. Thank you for the M meeting with the Security Council, then the Secretary General of the U.N. I have a photocall with a bunch of fourth graders coming to visit the White House this morning…" I could almost picture her sitting in her chair, feet up on the Resolute desk, her standard five-inch heels partially eased off, while she listed her day.

"Yeah, a light day…" I smiled back, listening for Millie to shut off the shower.

"I know, might try and squeeze in a manicure. Maybe lunch, too."

"Me, too. You know, if I didn't have to go to class. Unless you want to write me a note."

"No way. You need to ace your class, young lady. Your father and I are relying on you to keep us in our old age."

"No, that's Henry's job." I giggled, which set my mom off laughi ng too.

"Okay, kiddo. I gotta go. I love you. You want to come home with Benny this weekend?"

I paused before answering. I'd kind of like to see Mr. Snuggles more than my brother, and Ben would probably be out partying anyway. "No, but I'll be home for Thanksgiving."

"Oh, that reminds me, I want you to come for a breakfast with me. Michael will send you the details. It'll be fun, you'll enjoy it."

I groaned quietly, but said "okay," anyway. The last thing I wanted was to go to a breakfast where I'd be photographed and stared at while having to hold conversations without getting tongue tied. It was the type of thing Ben and Henry excelled at, but I'd somehow missed the gene. Enjoying it would be a massive stretch.

"Be good, enjoy class. Call me later," she said, before the phone went dead.

I fell back on my pillow, and stretched out. The tension in my body eased out the longer I made myself. Every muscle relaxed, and I could almost feel myself falling back to sleep.

If I thought about it, I'd been sleeping better since last week after the run Lux and I went on. It had been so good to get my body moving in a space that didn't consist of my yoga mat on the floor by my bed, that I'd had Jake and the guys take me out a couple more times on the same route.

I'd been in my disguise as a Lions' fan, and even though I couldn't be sure, I was almost certain no one noticed me. No one had bothered me. I'd jogged in peace and come back buzzing with endorphins and optimism that everything would soon be okay.

Huh. I stopped stretching. Perhaps that's what this feeling was .

Optimism.

I hadn't tossed and turned all night. I hadn't been awake since three a.m. worrying about what other thing would happen that day. I hadn't needed to drag myself from bed to get ready for class.

To prove myself right, I flung back the covers and jumped out. Millie still wasn't done in the shower, so I killed time with brushing my teeth.

"Hey, you wanna go for breakfast? We don't have class until ten."

She wiped the water and soap from her face and peered at me through the glass of the shower door. "You want to go for breakfast?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"This morning?"

"Yeah. Morning is when one normally eats breakfast, right?"

I think she mumbled, "Sounds good," but her head was back under the water, and it was more of a gargle.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere. Why not the place we always get coffee from on the way to class?"

"Okay, I'll message Jake and tell him." I spat a mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, waiting until she'd turned off the shower to rinse it away. "But you need to hurry up or we won't have time."

That got her moving.

A n hour later, I was digging into a stack of pancakes covered in maple syrup and strawberries, and watching Millie demolish a bowl of yogurt and granola before starting on a massive, fluffy cheese omelet like she'd never eaten before.

Around us, other students were eating their breakfast, though a little less like they were trying to bring on chronic indigestion. Some were at the booths by the window, study books laid out on the tables in front of them while they crammed before class, others had their laptops and were typing so quickly they were in danger of burning their fingerprints off.

Millie swallowed her mouthful. "This is amazing. We need to eat here again, instead of just dropping in for coffee to-go."

"Yeah. I like it in here."

"I like that you're in here, too," she smiled, before picking up her coffee and looking at me, her expression more earnest than I'd seen in a long time.

"Me, too."

"And you're feeling okay?"

I nodded truthfully, instead of just in the way I normally did to put everyone else at ease that I wasn't on the verge of a daily panic attack. "Yeah, I feel good. Must be all the sleep I've had this week."

"And the running," she grinned. "I'm glad you're going again. It makes me happy that you're doing it for yourself. I'd come with you if I could keep up with you. "

"One day, Mills, one day."

"It'll never happen. We know this, but it truly makes me happy you're going, and that you have a new running buddy." She waggled her eyebrows with a smirk, then slowly placed her elbows on the table. "I need to tell you something."

What is it about those words?

I need to tell you something.

We need to talk.

Sit down.

Immediately, my heart thudded hard, fluttering a little terrified beat against my ribcage, as images of the last time someone spoke those words to me flooded my brain, the time they'd been followed by, Radley, there are pictures…

"What?"

"You know it's my mom's birthday next weekend?"

I nodded. The fluttering became less fluttery, though I couldn't figure out what her mom's birthday had to do with me, beyond the card and flowers I'd ordered for her.

"She told me last night that she wants to go away for the weekend. Are you okay with that? If I go, will you be okay here?"

I took me a minute to realize she was worrying about leaving me on my own, and she was not about to tell me my life was going to implode again. It was both sweet and made me sound completely pathetic. Annoyance and irritation had my jaw clenching hard, and the happiness I'd felt this morning melted away due to the hot ball of frustration and tears now lodged in my throat.

"Jesus, Millie! Don't do that to me! I thought you were going to tell me someone died. Of course you can go away. You don't need to ask, and I don't need a babysitter. And you don' t have to pretend you are one," I snapped.

"I know I'm not your babysitter, Rad, but I also know how things have been for you, and I know it's hard. I don't want to be gone for four nights if it means you don't leave the dorm."

I swallowed the panic rising up at the thought of four nights alone. Four days alone. My mom would love to have me back in D.C., but I couldn't go only for my parents to find out that it was because Millie had gone away with her mom.

No. There's no way I was going back. I could do four nights on my own. Actually, the nights were easy… due to being asleep and all. It was the days I'd need to occupy myself outside of the dorm. I mean, I had a lot of work to do. I could easily work for four days solid in the library. That counted for being outside, right?

Yes, of course it did.

"Millie, I'll be fine. Thank you for worrying, but please don't." I hated people worrying about me. I didn't need anyone to worry about me. "You know I'll be fine. Pledges have finished, frat boys have disappeared. It'll be good."

"Okay…" she said with narrowed eyes, "if you're sure. And don't forget it's Halloween."

"What? You want me to go trick or treating too?" I grumbled.

"No. I don't think you'll go out… but I'm sure there's a party or two if you change your mind. Delaney was talking about one."

"Millie, I'll be fine. You don't need to act as my social secretary," I repeated with a smile, trying my hardest not to let the frustration show. "Thank you, though."

I was fine. I was going to be fine.

"And Lux will be around, right? "

My cheeks bulged from the size of the pancake I'd just forked into my mouth, so large because I figured I wouldn't have to answer any more questions about being fine on my own. Unfortunately, it didn't stop the smile bursting across my face.

"I'll take that as a yes," Millie smiled and peered at me over the top of her coffee cup, "and I'd also like to take this opportunity to say I'm in favor of what he's doing to you. Though obviously I need to meet him to give final approval."

Spluttering through my final chew, I rinsed it all down with a gulp of coffee. "What does that mean? He's not doing anything to me."

She raised an eyebrow and circled her drink in my direction. "I meant your whole aura. You're more relaxed, you're sleeping better, you're running, and you're fine with being alone for four days. You're becoming you again, Radley. I know you've been working hard to get back to this point, but I also think that a certain center field for a team we won't mention is also helping."

"Oh," I replied, while my cheeks reddened. There's no way I didn't look like a tomato.

"Now let's talk about what he's not doing, and what you want him to do. Has he kissed you yet? Please say no, because if he has and you haven't told me, I'm gonna be mad."

I shook my head with a grin that came out of nowhere. "Nope."

"Phew." She wiped a hand across her brow so dramatically she could have a one-woman show on Broadway. "Do you want him to?"

Even before she'd finished asking the question, my mind flicked to Lux and what it would be like to kiss him. What it would be like to feel his lips on mine… whether he really did tast e like ripe strawberries, and what else his mouth could do. I'd thought so much about it, my body was running a permanent temperature.

I wasn't sure if it made it worse that I knew he wanted it, too.

I'd see it in his eyes every time he looked at me, like I was the only person on earth. The way his gaze darkened and dropped to my lips every couple of seconds; the way he stayed close whenever we were together, somehow managing to let me have my own space while also never letting go of me.

He was waiting for me to tell him it was okay, and I was finding it harder to come up with reasons why it shouldn't happen; why I didn't want it… because I did.

I knew it.

Kissing Lux Weston had moved to the top of the list of things I wanted to happen. If last night's dream was anything to go by, it needed to happen soon.

"Yes."

Millie let out a loud whoop which had everyone at the surrounding tables turn around, which meant they'd look at me for a second – or five – longer than they needed to. But this morning, I found that I didn't care quite so much, and noticed that neither did they. I no longer seemed to be a novelty.

"Hallelujah!" she cried louder, still not caring she was causing a scene.

"Are you done?"

"Not even close, but I'll save it for later," she grinned. "I'm so happy, Rad. This is amazing news!"

"It's just a guy. It's just a kiss. It's not a big deal." I cringed, even though I couldn't stop the smile bursting across my face. Millie knew as much .

"It's not just a kiss."

I pushed my empty plate aside and leaned forward with a whisper, because now I had a new problem to solve. "I don't know how I'm going to do it."

"How you're gonna jump his bones?"

I dropped my head. "Mills…"

"You don't need a plan; you just kiss him when you see him next."

"That's easy for you to say." I leaned back into the soft leather padding of the booth, and folded my arms.

"When are you seeing him next?"

"Tomorrow." I glanced up to catch Millie's face light up like a Christmas tree; a tree with waggling eyebrows and a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Shut up."

She dug her fork into the final strawberry from her granola, and sunk her teeth into it. "Where are you going?"

"The gym. He said he'd take me to the Lions facility," I replied, holding a palm in her face. "Before you say anything…"

"Hey, I wasn't going to say a thing."

I raised an eyebrow, questioningly. "Nothing about getting all hot and sweaty?"

She held her index finger up, looking at me like she'd just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "Okay, I was going to say one thing. One. That's super cute he's taking you…" she smiled and her nose wrinkled before her brown eyes flared wide and a second finger was held up. "Oh, whoops, would you look at that, two things. I bet he looks good all hot and sweaty."

All at once, a heavy thud pulsed between my legs and my core tightened so quickly it pushed the oxygen from my lungs. Sweaty and Lux were two words that went together very well .

I knew; I'd seen it.

I also had a plethora of images to conjure; perspiration rolling down his damp skin, beads of sweat dripping down his heavily muscled biceps as he pushed his body to the max, or glistening across his chest. While I could only guess to what he looked like naked – God-like was my assumption – I did know he was the owner of one impressive set of abs. At the end of our run two days ago, he'd lifted his shirt to wipe his face and I'd nearly tripped from the distraction.

I hadn't been able to look him in the eye as he said goodbye to me, but those abs had been all I'd thought about for the rest of the day.

"Radley, you need to get a room with that fantasy of yours," Millie teased, and flashed what I assumed was meant to be a supportive smile, and drained the rest of her coffee. "We need to head to class, you want another coffee to-go?"

I shook my head, and pushed thoughts of Lux and his muscles away. "No thanks, I'm good."

She swiveled in the booth, searching for the waitress. "Oh look, there's Delaney." She stuck her hand in the air and waved while I worked on removing Lux from my head.

He wasn't going anywhere; he'd been in my head for weeks.

When I turned around, Delaney was heading for our table.

Since the day she'd gotten Billy Kerchinsky moved to the front, she'd sat with Millie and me whenever we were in the same class. She was in a different college to us, and had made the basketball team, so we rarely saw her outside of the English buildings, but I liked her a lot. With her sleeves of tattoos and pink dipped ends of her blunt bob, she summoned the energy of someone who gave zero fucks, so naturally I was both intimidated and totally fascinated all at the same time.

"Hey, guys, are you coming to class?" Delaney asked as she reache d us.

I nodded. "Yeah, once Millie's ordered coffee to-go."

"That's what I came in for." She yawned to prove a point. "How did you make it to breakfast? I could barely drag my ass out of bed this morning."

"Millie already went to the gym too," I smiled, doing my best to appear like a normal, functioning human being, while Millie waved her hand about for the waitress to get the check.

"Nice work. Hey, are you two coming to the game tonight?"

"What game?"

"We have a game against Harvard. You should come."

"Oh. Um…"

Fuck fuck fuck . Why did any new plans always fill me with panic? Whether Delaney sensed it or not she didn't say anything, she just smiled.

"It's at 7:30 if you're free."

"Thank you. We'll try."

The waitress finally appeared with the check, and I handed over the cash plus a healthy tip. Millie stood up, and pulled on her jacket. "Come on, let's go. It's Chaucer and we need to get our heads in the game, otherwise it's impossible to figure out what's going on."

"Yeah, and this class is two hours," Delaney added, taking the coffee she'd ordered.

Two hours.

That's how long I had to concentrate and not drift off into thoughts about how I could get Lux to kiss me.

Sound hard? Yeah, it was way harder.