Chapter 1

PHOENIX

PRESENT DAY

Visions of Jacob cut up, beaten and bruised attacked my memory, and as he lay there with his face bloody and his body black and blue from the beating he'd taken, it was too much to see; it brought back too many memories. I quickly looked away and gazed around me, wondering if I could slip into a corridor or behind a curtain, but there was nowhere to hide. I felt like a deer caught in headlights as I froze on the spot. All I could do was stare when I saw Danny and Ethan. They were Jacob's best friends; they followed the gurney and headed my way with Jacob being pushed by a porter, and a nurse carried his notes through. I stood tall and took a deep, calming breath as I waited for them to reach me. I swallowed, hoping to create some saliva in my dry mouth and licked my lips, a nervous habit I'd developed over the years.

"Hey, Phoenix," the nurse greeted, I managed to find a small smile for her cheery disposition. She didn't know about the connection I had with Jacob King. She hadn't noticed how anxious I was, and to her, he was just another patient. "Not sure what's happened, they're not talking." Her eyes rolled to the side as her head tipped in their direction. She hadn't worked here long; she was still in training. It wouldn't be long until the pressure and strain of the NHS would be piling on her shoulders, begging to make a difference. Just as I had dreamt that I could be the one to make a difference. I was so wrong.

"I got it," I knew my attempt at a smile was weak, but I couldn't help it. My emotions were getting the better of me. I bit my lip to stop it from trembling and followed the gurney to the closest empty cubicle. Danny and Ethan followed alongside, side-eyeing each other, but none of us had spoken. Jacob and I hadn't been together for three years now, so this was going to be fun.Even though as the time went by, there hadn't been a single day he didn't pop into my head.

This wasn't the first time he had paid the hospital a visit, but I didn't remember him looking quite as bad as this. As much as I tried to get him to quit fighting, he wouldn't listen. I knew nothing according to these guys or Jacob.

I grabbed some gloves from the box on the wall and pulled them on as I entered the cubicle. The porter nodded, and I thanked him with a tight smile.

"Will he be okay?" Danny's voice stopped me, with his hand on my arm. I turned to him and looked him in the eye. Professionally, I shouldn't be treating Jacob, but no one knew him, so I'd do what I needed to and get him cleaned up before I'd hand over to someone else.

"He should be fine, but Danny, look at him. It's not like this is the first time this has happened." I turned and took in his face and body, mentally noting his injuries. "I mean I haven't got enough fingers to count how many times he's been in this position. Just from here I can see he's got broken ribs at least; it looks like his cheekbone is fractured but without an x-ray I just can't say. His face is too bloody to really tell what other damage he's done." I took a breath to hide my emotions and looked back at Danny. "Why didn't you stop the fight?"

"What, and have him kick my arse, no thanks."

"You're supposed to be his friend." I hissed; my nostrils flared with anger.

He stared hard at me and scowled, "Not stopping the fight is being his friend. If those punters in there think he's a pussy, he's done. You get me?"

"No!" I snapped and gritted my teeth as I tried to control my anger, and at least act a little professional. "No Danny, I don't get you." I quietened my voice to a loud whisper. "It's illegal fighting," I glared back at him, "he's damn lucky he isn't lying on a slab in the morgue right now. This was why I walked away from him." My lips pursed and my eyes narrowed at his lame excuse.

"Always about you, Phoenix?" releasing my arm, he took a step back.

"Fuck you, Danny." I sneered, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to clean your friend up." I snatched the curtain and attempted to close it, but Danny stopped its journey across the rail.

Ethan tugged at Danny's arm and pushed his way between us as Danny and I glared at each other. "Hey, come on you two." Once I'd took in Ethan's worried expression I backed down. At least Ethan had the audacity to look sorry, but Danny, Danny was an arrogant, egotistical arsehole ninety-nine percent of the time. It was a well-known fact that we didn't always see eye-to-eye, we'd banged heads a lot over Jacob's career; other than that, he was a good friend to Jacob. I couldn't play that down.

With Ethan gently pushing Danny back, I turned and dragged the curtain back across. I focussed on the beaten body on the trolley and attempted to push back my tears, but it was no use. A gasp caught in my throat as a tear rolled down my face. I knew I had to pull myself together. I was here to do a job. Quickly, I dried my cheeks and inhaled before parting the curtains again. "You two had better decide what you're going to say to the doctor when he arrives, because he will want to know all the details." My tone was low yet firm enough for them to know how angry I was. "If you don't want me to tell him about the illegal fight club then I suggest you work something out and tell me." I raised a brow at them both. "This is the last time that I do this."

"Thank you, Phoenix." Ethan stepped up, moved in front of Danny, and rubbed my arm, nodding solemnly, "We can do that."

"Go get some coffee while I clean him up."

I let the curtain fall into place and closed the gap until I was back at Jacob's side. A place I'd been since we were nineteen, but not anymore. It pained me to think I wasn't going through this with him, but I had to do this for my own sanity.

"Nix," Jacob's voice was croaky and pained. My shoulders sagged, sympathy for him tore through my soul, but how much sympathy could one person have when the other didn't want to change.

"I'm here," I answered almost robotically. A slight grin tipped one side of his mouth as he cracked an eye open, the swelling around his other eye stopped it from opening. His lips slightly parted like he was about to say something else, but I swiftly shut him down. "Don't talk. I just need to clean you up before the doctor comes."

I went about my job and poured some sodium chloride into a bowl, grabbed some pads, soaked them in the sterile solution, and squeezed out the excess before turning back. As I gently wiped the blood from his face, he hissed through his teeth.

"Sorry, you might want to grit your teeth, this is gonna hurt." I proceeded to clean his face, but all the time I was tending to him, he stared at me through one eye. It gave me a minute to study him. His nose was broken and would probably need surgery to fix, and his top lip had a deep gash that would need a stitch or two. I gently glided my fingers over his cheekbone as I wiped, careful not to hurt him any more than I had to. As I wiped the blood away, I found small cuts all over his face, another deep one beneath his eye and on his forehead. They'd really done a job on him.

I cleaned his face the best I could before examining the rest of him. I took his good arm and stretched it out, "Let me know if that hurts."

"My whole body hurts," he forced out, as I examined his limbs and looked at his ribs, with the swelling and bruising already coming out. I was guessing I was right about those, too. His other hand rested against his chest and as I picked it up, he cried out. Another broken bone.

"Okay, I'm going speak with the doctor. You'll needs bloods, an x-ray and a CT scan, but you may have to stay overnight."

"Nope. I'm not staying here." Jacob forced out.

I dragged off my gloves and threw them in the bin. "You may not have a choice."

"I've always got a choice," he replied and closed his eyes again. I turned on my heel just as he called my name.

"Nix." The pain was clear in his voice, and as much as I tried to block it out, I couldn't. My head turned to the side, and as I glanced back our eyes locked. "Will you stay with me?"

"God's sake, Jay." I sighed, moving my fingers to my forehead as I dipped my head, massaging lightly as I tried to ease the building tension. "I'll be here until we know if you're being admitted or not."

"And after?"

"I don't know, Jay." I studied the curtain separating the cubicles so I didn't have to look at him. "I have other patients, Jacob." I didn't want him to distract me from my work. I'd spent the best part of our time apart wondering what he was doing and how he was. "I just don't think I can do this again." I said quietly, more to myself than to Jacob. Tears I'd managed to hold back so far slowly ran down my cheeks. "I can't do this again, Jacob." I reiterated as I moved to his side and took his hand, I lifted it up and stared at the cuts and bruises that littered his bloodied knuckles and gently brushed my fingers over them. "It's me or the fighting." My voice wavered. "I told you this years ago. That hasn't changed." I couldn't look at him as I dealt the blow. I turned my back to him and took a shuddering breath as I moved to leave again.

"But Nix…" he hesitated. "I miss you so much." His voice almost a whisper, but I couldn't let him get to me. "I need you. I've been lost without you." I had to be strong. I'd lasted this long. I could do it for a little longer, even if everything inside of me was telling me to kiss him, to promise I'd ride the rest of this adventure with him, to ease his pain and be there to heal his injuries - I couldn't.

"It's not enough." My voice was low as I tensed my jaw and shut down my tears. I opened the curtain to Danny and Ethan. "Someone will be through to collect him soon. You can go in now." I instructed before making my way to the desk and paging the doctor. I gave the nurse at the desk a confident grin and found the next patient on the list and went about my job. I couldn't handle the heartache again; I wouldn't put myself through this. It's a pity my heart wasn't as tough as my head when I said these things to myself, but I knew if I was going to gain any equilibrium, I had to listen. Me and Jacob King were over, and it had to stay that way, as much as my heart silently ached for him.

Right now, I'd be more worried if he found out my secret.