Chapter 11

AIDEN

At work, I couldn't concentrate if my life depended on it. I leaned back in my chair, tapping my pen against the metal of my desk, and stared into space. There had been a lot on my mind since Nate and I had our unusual anniversary celebration. He had shared a lot, and I was thankful he felt he could open up and trust me. I also felt I got some glimpses he hadn't meant for me to see.

He didn't want me to pity him, and I didn't. But I did feel for him, because growing up is never easy. I couldn't imagine being the way he was as a child and having an easy time in school. Kids were assholes, especially to other kids who were different. But I had a feeling he wasn't the type to get bullied, that they might have given him a wide berth because they didn't understand him and were afraid of him.

I marveled at the fact I wasn't afraid of him. And I wondered if that was wise. The night of the wedding, he had choked me during sex, even if I'd ended up liking it. The anger he'd had at the club with the guy I'd been dancing with. There had still been moments, flashes, where I felt uneasy around him, even if it never turned into fear.

Then again, it could just be because he was… a psychopath.

I hated that word, but it was the word he used to describe himself. While I didn't know much about people with that condition, I knew they were good at mimicking people and it could leave people feeling uneasy around them. Some defense mechanism perhaps warning that it's not real.

Not real.

The thought made me bolt upright. There was no way what Nate and I had wasn't real. He was so intense I swore it bordered on obsessive. He couldn't have faked all that, right? Especially once I knew the truth, there would be no reason to.

Fuck.

I was in too deep, and I was drowning.

The smack on my shoulder pulled me from my thoughts and startled me to the point where I almost jumped out of my chair. Victoria laughed and plopped in her chair as I scowled.

"God, you're such a pain in the ass."

"Part of my charm," she assured me, and I rolled my eyes. "Alright. Spill. How did the anniversary date with Nate go? Considering I didn't hear from you all weekend, I assume it was good." Victoria leaned back, the smile on her face dropped and her eyes narrowed as she took in what I figured was my haggard appearance. "What went wrong?"

I let out a sigh and tried to think about what I could, or should, tell her. Logically, I knew there was no reason I couldn't tell her the truth. There was nothing to be ashamed of, plus she had a background that could help me.

But still, I hesitated.

"Dinner went well. He loved the cufflinks but felt bad because he didn't get me anything." I chuckled, thinking about that night. "But he made it up to me," I assured her with a wink.

Victoria made a fake gagging sound, but her smile at my words told the real story.

"Alright. Alright. Enough." I waved her away. "We still have a psycho to catch." I winced at my words.

Shit. Being with Nate and knowing he was a psychopath really opened my eyes to how people with personality disorders are unjustly vilified. I had to do better, not just for him but for the others out there like him.

"Hmm. Yeah. What have we got?" She turned to her computer and pulled up the file.

"Do you think this guy is an actual true psychopath? You went to school for this shit, right?" I schooled my face the best I could so she wouldn't read anything in my expression.

"It's hard to tell if he's someone who has been, or would be, diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder." She cast a glance at me with narrowed eyes. "You know the terms psychopath and sociopath aren't really used anymore, so watch it."

With a sigh, she shrugged. "But it's possible. He's methodical. There's no hesitation in the cuts. These cuts—there's skill there. But it doesn't feel like he's experimenting, so I think this is just who he is. He's probably considered a loner and shy, though brilliant and probably has a successful career."

"What do you think he does for a living?" Why did my breath sound so hollow and tight? Just because I was asking about ASPD and the killer in the same sentence didn't mean anything.

Nate wasn't violent.

Was he?

"You do know this isn't the FBI, and I'm not a behaviorist, right?" she chuckled.

I shifted, uncomfortable, in my seat. "Yeah, I know. I'm just curious."

Her eyes narrowed again and I knew I was tripping some of her alarms, but she didn't say anything for a few minutes.

"It's not like you see on TV and in the movies. They're not soulless, mindless killing machines. At least, not most of the time. Some learn to channel impulses in creative ways or practical ways that make them useful members of society and never cause a problem."

I let out a huff. "Yeah, I know," I said with a scowl. "I know they can feel and have emotions. It's just different."

"Mmmhm. It still can be a concerning diagnosis."

With my back to her, I worked on the case to see if there were any leads we could hit up or follow up with. But I could feel her eyes on me the entire time.

"Aiden." Victoria's voice was equally annoying and supportive. It was the one she used when she was done dealing with my bullshit. "What's this really about?"

I let out a sigh, let my head fall back, and stared at the ceiling. But I didn't say anything. I didn't know how.

"You know you can talk to me, right? About anything."

All I could do was nod. I didn't know how to tell her I wasn't asking because of the case but because of my boyfriend. So we sat in an uncomfortable silence for several minutes before she cut to the heart of the matter.

"You told me Nate seemed too perfect. That you weren't sure if it was real or not. Is this… is this really about him? Did he do or say anything that upset you or made you question things even more?"

My best friend asked me to trust her, to unburden myself, and to let her in. She had already figured it out, even without meeting him. So what was I scared of?

"Do you think he's manipulating you?" she asked cautiously.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I think he's been refreshingly honest, actually." And he had been from the start. Nate always said it like he saw it, though maybe he didn't always see it right or have the best perspective. "I don't think he's using me, but I do feel like he's hiding something."

"Like being a psychopath?" she joked.

I snorted. "No, like I said, he's refreshingly honest, including about that."

Victoria's mouth dropped open, and she tried to speak several times before she found her words. "Wait, wait, he actually told you that he was a psychopath? And you're still dating him?" she hissed.

My eyes narrowed in confusion as I stared at her. I could feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest. This was why I hadn't wanted to tell her. She was judging him without knowing him.

"Look, I love you. You're like family to me. And I don't want to shit on your parade, especially since you've been so much happier lately?—"

"Then don't," I ground out, cutting her off. But the scowl on my face didn't dissuade her from continuing to speak her mind.

"Aiden." Her stern mommy voice came out, and I hated it. I wasn't a child, and I could make my own decisions. "You need to listen to me. I know what I just said, but people with ASPD are highly manipulative to where you might not even realize it's happening. They can be violent and dangerous, just like this guy we're looking for."

I held up my hand. "Stop. Please. I have things under control. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Like hell, you shouldn't have!" she practically growled, keeping her voice low so no one around us would hear. "What do you really know about this guy, Aiden? I mean, really know? That you've been able to verify independently?"

I opened my mouth but then closed it. The truth was I hadn't looked into Nate at all, but I wasn't about to admit that. Instead, I turned the topic back to work.

"We need to head out. The latest vic's boss returned our message, and there's a meeting set up with him in an hour."

As I got out of my chair and tugged my coat on, I ignored Victoria and the concerned looks I knew she sent my way. But I couldn't talk to her about what I was thinking or feeling, and I shouldn't have opened that can of worms.

Because the truth was so much worse than she thought. The answer was simple—it didn't matter. I didn't care who he really was or what he was capable of. I had fallen in love with Nathan Turner and he was mine. Not to mention, when he told me I was his and that he's never let me go, I believed him.

I couldn't walk away from him even if I wanted to. And god help me, I didn't want to.