Chapter 40: Kelley

Chapter 40

Kelley

Considering we thought Thad moving to LA would mean we’d see more of each other, we really underestimated the demand of Major League Baseball and being a junior agent needing to prove your worth.

Still, during the times I have home games, Thad is there in the stands, cheering me on. He has a studio apartment he stays in while I’m away, even though I told him he’s welcome to stay at my house, but he says he’s happy to pay for an entire apartment to himself, considering it costs the same as his tiny bedroom in the shared loft back in New York. He got a pay raise with the promotion, and he used the very logical reasoning that he didn’t want to move in with me so soon.

Even if I’d love to have him there every time I got home. The vision of it makes me giddy.

Stupid logic and needing to be patient. Who needs a stable, healthy relationship when you can have suffocating and codependent?

Okay, yeah, that’s probably a good thing with the way my mental health can be.

I can’t say everything with my anxiety is going smoothly, but it’s a thousand times better than what it was this time last year. I have my setbacks, my breakthroughs, and Thad is by my side for all of them. So is Brady. I’m so happy I chose him to be my agent because Brady knows how to take care of what I need from an emotional point of view.

He and Thad have grown close too, and I finally have the perfect team in place that feels more like family than professional, which is something Damon sold me on when I contemplated signing with King Sports.

Even though Thad has been here for a few weeks already, today’s the first day I’m going into the offices where he works. I would’ve done it sooner, but Thad didn’t want his new colleagues and bosses to think he was using me and our relationship to get ahead.

Today, though, isn’t about me.

It’s about Zaka.

And as if the mere thought of him summons him, my doorbell chimes.

I open the front door to my new mansion near Elysian Park, which I’ve been smart enough to rent instead of buy after learning my lesson back in Philly, and there, my old teammate stands with a wide smile on his face. He’s growing a beard, which is more reddish tinged than the blond that sits on his head, and it’s been a while since I last saw him. It was my no-hitter, actually.

It was only a couple of months ago, but it feels like a lifetime has passed since then.

“Seriously?” is the first thing he says. “I sign with Philly to be on the same team as you, and then you leave me?”

I laugh because I sometimes still don’t know how to take Zaka. He said something similar that night on the mound, but I thought it was referring to the no-hitter I’d just pitched. Now, I’m not so sure.

“Did introducing you to your new agent make up for abandoning you when I had absolutely no choice in the matter?”

Zaka pretends to think about it and shrugs. “I guess it’ll have to do. Show me your new place.”

I let him in and give him the tour. It’s an amazing house, with its modern, boxy shape and the stark range of colors between blinding white, mute gray, and black. And yes, that is sarcasm with a capital S . There are only those three colors. But whether it’s only because I’m renting it or because the house back in Philly was my first big purchase with more money than I ever could’ve dreamed of having access to, the new place doesn’t hold any particular sentiment to me.

Yet. I’m hoping I can change that the longer I’m here and the sooner I can convince Thad to move in with me. Though, I should probably start by telling him that I’m irrevocably in love with him.

We’ve said things. Heavily implied the L word or at least hinted at heading in that direction. But we haven’t had that moment yet. It’s probably because we started as friends, were sleeping together for a bit, but then were cut off from chasing more. So it feels like we’ve been together longer than only the few weeks he’s been here.

Whichever one of us says those three little words in succession first … oh, who am I kidding? It has to be him. Anytime I’ve come close, I’ve chickened out because what if it’s too soon? He says it’s too soon to move in together, so maybe he’s waiting to be head over heels for that.

Then again, just because he isn’t willing to live together this soon, that doesn’t mean that he didn’t make the first giant step for us, moving across the damn country for me. So maybe it is my place to say it first.

“How are you liking LA?” Zaka asks while he stares into my perfectly landscaped backyard to detract from the very average-looking neighborhood beyond the fence.

“Ever since Thad got here, I’ve been a hell of a lot less bitter about it, but even before then, I have to admit I’ve been less stressed.”

“Good to hear.” He hesitates before turning to me. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do you think the team traded you because you’re gay?”

My initial response is to say yes, but considering I suspect Zaka is struggling with his own identity, and if he really did sign with Philly this season because of me—perhaps to not feel so alone—I don’t want to scare him into not speaking his truth .

“Do I think they would have traded me had I not come out and brought a lot of attention on myself? No. But at the same time, I was in a terrible slump. I don’t think the franchise itself is homophobic. But it wouldn’t surprise me if they decided that having the gay guy struggling with poor mental health and his game was a liability to their season.”

“Good to know. You ready to take me to your man’s office so I can sign these papers?”

I’m more than excited to. Not only for Thad to sign his first big client but because I get to see where Thad works. And more importantly, meet the agents mentoring both him and Brady. From the stories Thad has told me already, I want to put faces to their names. I swear, sometimes when he comes home, the things he tells me are like listening to a telenovela drama.

It takes us way too long to get to downtown LA, and that’s one thing I absolutely can’t stand about LA, but I’ll endure it for everything good here.

When we finally arrive at the office, it’s around lunchtime, so when Thad meets us at reception, he suggests we go do a business lunch first before signing the papers. Brady’s by his side, enthusiastically nodding, and before we know it, both he and Thad usher us back onto the elevator.

They both slump in relief when the doors shut.

Zaka leans in close to me. “Is it just me, or are they acting weird?”

They’re for sure acting weird, but I don’t know why. “Soooo, how is work?” I ask.

“If I didn’t have important documents to sign this afternoon, I’d be drinking,” Thad says.

“Ditto,” Brady adds.

“Anything we should be concerned about as your clients?”

Brady turns to me with pleading in his eyes. “Promise me you won’t jump ship. Or, if you do, go to someone like Thad, because Jesus H. Christ, if I have to deal with any more of Archer’s shit?—”

“Or Lincoln’s,” Thad cuts in.

“I’m quitting. I will move both my partners to New York and go crawling back to Damon, asking him to give me a padded office with no door where I only have to deal with clients on the phone and no other agents.”

“More competitive drama?” I ask.

“It’s exhausting,” Thad says. “I wondered why Camden and Xavier assigned us to them. I’ve come to the conclusion this has to be a hazing ritual.”

“I feel a lot better about switching representation from New York to LA,” Zaka deadpans.

Thad claps Zaka’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. If you ever need me, just call. I will jump on a plane and head for New York. It’s closer for you and so much more convenient.”

“Convenient you get away from Archer and Linc,” Brady grumbles.

“I’m starting to feel remarkably better about the dramas in baseball,” I say.

The elevator opens, but as Brady and Zaka step off and Thad and I follow, Thad grabs my hand and tugs me aside for a second.

“If I forget to tell you in all the chaos that this afternoon will be, I want to thank you for bringing me my first client.”

I step into his arms and press my chest to his. “You’re the one who was charismatic and friendly enough to catch his eye. He signed with you because of who you are, not who introduced you.”

“Still. Thank you. Meeting you has changed my life, and … I’ve been wanting to say something for a while now, and with the big things happening today, I can’t hold it in anymore. I love you. I’m in love with you. And I know I wouldn’t be this person without having had you in my life. No matter where we go from here, what happens with either of our careers, I just wanted you to know that you’re loved.”

And there’s my moment. The moment of pure peace, knowing that the man I love feels exactly the same way.

“I love you too,” I say. “You’re the only man I’ve ever said that to, the only man I’ve felt it with, and no matter what happens, I want you to know that it’s true.”

“Even if I’m not living with you?” His concern over my rejection sensitivity disorder is genuine, which is understandable, but he doesn’t need to worry when it comes to him.

“My enemy—logic—knows if we do it too soon, we might implode. So between waiting for the right time or losing you completely, I’ll wait forever if I have to. I don’t want to, but I will.”

“I never want you to feel like I’m half out the door or?—”

“I don’t. I promise.”

He cups my face. “All I want is to do right by you. By us.”

I breathe him in and revel in something even more powerful than the I love yous. Falling in love is easy. Keeping it is work, and Thad shows me every day that he’s willing to do whatever it takes.

He moved across the country for me, left his family and friends behind, all on a maybe. Maybe we could make it work, maybe we could be together, maybe we have a future. He did that for me.

He came here to love me, support me, and be there for me the same way I want to be there for him. I have no doubt in the love I have for Thad St. James.