Chapter 7

7

Shelby

Oakley has two rows of cars all set up on the living room floor.

One row pointed one direction, the other in the opposite.

He's spent a good ten minutes getting all this set up.

I watch as his stands up and takes a deep breath.

"Just a normal day," he says in a voice that teeters on babyish yet sounded like a kid.

Some of his phrases are so adult-like though, they make me shake my head.

"What's that coming?" Oakley's voice attempts in a deep growl.

He then stomps forward and begins to roar and yell.

I smile big.

He's obsessed with anything to do with monsters. Except the monsters have to destroy cars and cities and houses and all that. He builds and he destroys. Over and over.

I used to wonder if he was maybe too violent for his age.

But he's just being a kid. Being a boy.

If you had someone like Faust here, he could help out!

My heart sinks at that thought.

I pretend whatever happened yesterday never did. It was just a bad dream. A stupid, silly dream. That's all.

I came home from Faust's and asked Dani to help for a little bit longer so I could take a shower and cry.

I did that, cleaned myself up, and then Oakley and I hung out for the rest of the day into the evening, watching cartoons. I tucked him into bed and sat at my laptop at the kitchen table, typing a grand total of seventy-five words.

Then I deleted them all… but let's not talk about that…

Dani knocks at the door as Oakley finishes up destroying all the cars.

I know it's Dani because she text me five minutes ago that she was on her way.

I open the front door to my apartment and put a finger to my lips.

I know Dani.

She's the type to exclaim things too loud near little ears.

Her face is bubbly with questions.

Desperate to know what happened with Faust.

"He's going in for his rest soon," I whisper to Dani. "Leave it until then."

Dani walks over to Oakley and crouches down.

Oakley's eyes light up and he jumps into her arms for a hug.

I give the five minute warning to Oakley, which means it's time to clean up his cars and wash his hands after using the bathroom and getting ready for his rest.

If I call it a nap, he gets annoyed and claims he's not a baby.

Only babies take naps.

Yet for Oakley, his rest means getting into his bed, lights out, just to relax… and fall asleep and nap for an hour or two.

I love my son more than life itself.

But he can be very stubborn at times.

Wanting things a certain way - his way.

Which reminds me of Faust.

"So?" Dani asks as I turn the corner from the bedrooms.

I almost scream.

My heart goes from normal to panic.

"I need to know," Dani whispers. "You refused to tell me…"

"Nothing to say, Dani," I say as I walk by her.

She follows me. "Nope. That's not an answer."

"Aren't you the one who got mad at me for putting a note on his door?"

"True," she says. "I was wrong. It worked. Now tell me everything."

I'm in the kitchen, debating between tea or wine.

Dani helps herself to the fridge and pops open a can of diet soda.

I turn and nestle into the corner of the counter.

She's eager for a story.

I don't have one to tell.

"It was actually awful," I say.

"Really?" Dani's face drops. "He was an asshole about it?"

"It was intense. At first he tried to leave the coffeeshop like he didn't know me. I didn't want to blurt it out, but I had to. People were looking so he told me to come to his place."

"Oh. Wow."

"Once we got there though he just… I'm not going to say he lost it, but he was pissed. Angry. Every right to be angry, but it was just a lot."

"He didn't threaten you or anything, right?"

"No. Faust would never do that!"

Dani's eyes go wide. " Faust would never do that. Defending him?"

"I don't know the right way to handle this, Dani. This isn't in the baby books. And I never even…"

My throat catches.

I blink fast.

Dani quickly puts her drink down and comes toward me.

"Fuck, Shel," she says as she hugs me. "There really is nothing to say to this. I don't even know…"

"Well, I think we both know that life is mean sometimes. And we all do things that may seem right in the moment, but they aren't."

"After what happened with me… I want my son to have…"

The words are hard to speak.

I hate when I get like this.

"May not be the answer you want, but you know you'll never be alone," Dani says. "And you know Oakley will always have a home. And be loved like crazy."

I know this. I know all of this. Both Dani and Nathan have sat me down and told me they would be there. In a morbid way of thinking, which is required sometimes, if something horrible happened to me… if I died … then Dani and Nathan would care for Oakley.

And here I am trying to get Faust's attention.

It's like dangling a family in front of Dani's eyes and then ripping it away from her.

"Shelby," Dani says.

"I'm right here. I promise. Right here. I'm just thinking. A lot."

"I'm sorry it didn't go to plan."

"What was the plan?" I ask as I gently push Dani away. "I changed his life. His entire trajectory."

"Yeah, you definitely did."

I step away from Dani.

There's a knock at the front door.

A loud, booming knock.

I point to the baby monitor and Dani grabs it.

I dart through the apartment…

If Oakley doesn't get his rest in the afternoon, he's a total nightmare for the rest of the day.

When I open the door, I debate on kicking the person in the balls or threatening their life.

I freeze when I see Faust standing just outside my apartment door.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I came to meet my son," he says.

He holds up the picture I left in his apartment.

My heart races, sinks, jumps back up…

"Faust," I say.

"Are you going to let me in or not?"

He's angry. He's bold.

He's still gorgeous to me.

I nod and step back.

As he walks into my apartment Dani comes from the kitchen and freezes in place.

Her jaw drops for a few seconds.

Then she says, "Oh, shit, you're hot."

I sigh. My cheeks are suddenly hot.

"Uh, thanks?" Faust asks.

"You're really hot," Dani says. "You slept with Shelby?"

"Hey," I say. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing," Dani says. "Sorry." She's staring at me. "He's really good looking."

"He can hear you," I say to Dani.

"Maybe I should leave," Dani says. "Give you two a chance to catch up or… yeah…"

Dani hurries toward the door.

She looks at me, eyes super wide.

She mouths, ‘Holy fuck! He's sexy!'

I flare my nostrils at her.

This isn't about sexiness or hotness or anything like that.

"Nice meeting you," Dani says to Faust as she leaves.

I shut the door. I lock it.

"Nice meeting you too," Faust says to the shut door.

"That's Dani," I say. "My best friend."

"Guess you should keep her away from me then, huh?"

I gasp at that comment.

Faust shrugs his shoulders. "Might as well just dive headfirst into this thing, shouldn't we?"

"I think I already tried that, Faust."

He touches his chin. "Yeah."

He turns his head and looks down.

Oakley has left one of his toy cars on the floor.

Faust crouches down and reaches for the car.

It's an ice cream truck.

Faust holds the tiny car in his massive hand. His thumb strokes the wheels, making them easily spin.

The silence is intense.

His jaw tightens. He turns his head and looks up at me.

"I played with cars and trucks when I was little," he says. "I used to keep them in a bunch of shoeboxes."

I smile. I nod. "He likes to set them all up and then pretend to be a monster and destroy them."

"Nice."

For a moment I think Faust is going to smile.

He doesn't.

He places the toy back on the floor and stands up.

I can't tell where his mind is right now.

There are so many things I have to say to him. I don't even know how. Or where to start. I don't have reasons nor do I have excuses.

My eyes desperately want to fill with tears but I don't want him offended again. Or more angry than he already is.

"Where is he?" Faust asks.

"Napping," I say. "The monitor is in the kitchen if you want to see."

"I'm going to wait here for him to wake," Faust says.

Again, never a question, always a command.

"That would be great, Faust."

He inches closer to me. "What happened with us, Shelby?"

The question takes me back a little. "I don't know what you mean."

"We were there. Together. And then you were gone."

"Me?" I ask. "It wasn't me, Faust. I didn't-"

"Mommy…?"

The small voice calls out my name from behind Faust.

I step to my left and I see Oakley standing there, clutching his favorite stuffed animal, a tiger named Bongo . He rubs his eyes with his left hand. He blinks a few times.

He looks right up at Faust.

"Who are you?" Oakley asks.

Every sensor and bell and whistle in my brain begins to go off.

Immediately I have the urge to lie to my son. To tell him that Faust is an electrician or plumber there to fix something.

No!

I can't do that.

In reality, the plan would be to introduce Faust as my friend. Then slowly let everyone get to know one another. Make sure this works for Faust. And then tell Oakley the truth…

Faust steps toward Oakley and looks down at him.

"My name is Faust," Faust says to our son. "And I'm your father."

I suck in a breath and hold it.

Are you fucking kidding me right now, Faust?!

So much for taking things slow.

Then again, when has Faust ever taken things slow?