Chapter 26

26

Faust

He's too quiet.

I catch myself looking in the rear-view mirror, not really sure if he's all that comfortable with me or not.

I hate that.

Truth be told, I'd give me life for Oakley. He's my son. There's no question about it. No denying it. That's my job now as a father.

In my head I've played out several scenes.

I picture Oakley running through a massive toy store, loading up, indulging in a shopping spree that only a kid could imagine. At the same time, I can't let that be the memory that sticks in his head about me. He needs to know I'm his protector. I'm his father. I'll provide for him in every way possible. Sure, I can spoil the hell out of my son if I choose to do so, but I can't just show up and act like some version of Santa Claus.

Shelby put me in this position. Her selfish decision. Making that decision every single day too. For nine months pregnant. And then for six years after our son was born.

I have no idea why but I suddenly picture Oakley and I sitting in front of a large tank at an aquarium. Just me and him, talking about life.

So that's where we go.

I park. We walk. I pay.

I get a few people looking at me in that you look familiar way.

I keep a hand on Oakley's back for safety.

"Have you ever been to an aquarium before?" I ask.

"Nope," he says.

As soon as we walk in, someone greets us. A way too happy employee looking to take our picture which can be purchased later before we leave.

Got to make it a memory!

I don't go for this kind of thing but Oakley seems eager so we stand in front of a green screen. The person tells us to pretend a shark is jumping at us. Oakley and I look at each other and we both start laughing. I crouch down and we give our best scared faces.

When I stand back up, he grabs for my hand.

I've got you, kiddo , I think to myself as we start to walk.

We end up somehow technically going through the aquarium backwards. I realize too late all the parts have letters to them. Which makes sense in hindsight since our journey began walking through the gift shop.

I see the way Oakley's eyes light up over some large shark stuffed animal.

But we keep going… backwards.

I view it as us making our own path.

I quickly notice he's fascinated by sharks.

Every tank with a shark, he rushes up to it and stands with his hands on the glass, waiting for the chance to catch sight of a shark.

I take plenty of pictures.

I don't send them to Shelby right away.

Am I that petty…? Maybe a little.

We finally have that moment where we sit together in front of a tank that goes floor to ceiling. And there is a little of everything in this tank.

Sharks, fish, sea turtles, you name it.

It's some kind of pirate ship wreckage reef theme.

"Hammerhead," Oakley says and points.

You would have sworn the kid met his favorite athlete with the way his jaw drops.

Now I have to admit that seeing a hammerhead shark in person is kind of cool.

"What should we do after this?" I ask my son.

He shrugs his shoulders. "We can head home. I'm sure Mom misses me by now."

"Oh, kiddo, I think she missed you before you left the apartment."

Oakley smiles with pride. "Yeah."

"You know we can get something to eat. Find another crazy adventure. I can take you to where we practice. Put on some ice skates and go…"

"Maybe."

I gently nudge him. "Hey. I know everything is weird. I just need you to know, you have a voice, Oakley. You can say what you want. You can ask questions. Okay?"

He nods.

"I'm not sure how much this makes sense but I want you to know that I'm here. And believe me, adults love saying things and I learned at a young age that sometimes…" I lean down toward him. "Sometimes words are bullshit."

Oakley gasps and then giggles.

"Oops, I shouldn't have cursed, huh?" I wink.

He laughs a little harder.

I touch his back and catch myself smiling.

Oakley inches closer to me.

We sit and stare at the water and the fish.

Part of me wonders what I'll say if he drops some bombshell question on me.

Why weren't you around?

Do you love my mother?

Why didn't you want to be my father?

"I always wanted to pet a shark," Oakley says.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

I flex my jaw and then stand up. "Then let's go pet a shark."

"Huh?" Oakley asks in such an innocent voice.

"My son wants to pet a shark," I say as I offer my hand. "And we're not leaving this place until my son pets a shark."

Oakley jumps to his feet and slams his hand against mine.

For the first time in longer than I can remember, I'm suddenly not angry at all.

It takes a little coaxing, a little bit of flirting, and much as I hate to admit it, it's my name and my size that gets me what I want.

You know what?

It's for my son. I don't give a damn.

What's supposed to happen is there's a course on how to swim with the sharks which requires lessons, training, and set dates and times and all that. Which I respect.

Today, my son just wants to touch a shark.

And to do that, we are now behind the scenes .

It's like a bunch of metal rafters.

We're above the water level, which is a little ominous knowing what's below.

We can't see much into the water at all.

I'll even admit it, the first time I see a shark fin poke up out of the water, it makes me pause. These aren't trained animals. This isn't some game.

The person with us is a woman name Jesse who has long, messy hair pulled back, a button-down shirt with the aquarium's logo on it, black jeans, and big boots on. She's intense and focused. Her job is to keep the animals fed, happy, and to make sure the water is safe for the animals. There's a constant low hum sound from the massive filters and equipment around us.

We walk to some kind of metal platform.

Nothing is solid in here. There are little holes everywhere, which make it all feel even more dangerous.

"Now right here is where we would finish getting prepared before our dive," Jesse says.

"Once you're a little older, kiddo," I say to Oakley as I stand behind him.

"Sharks aren't like they show in the movies," Jesse says. "Can they get mean and aggressive? What animal can't, right? I think our best plan here is to just crouch down and watch the water and wait for them to swim around. They're just here, okay? They're not going to jump up and attack or anything."

"This is so cool," Oakley says.

His voice crackles with fear, but he's pushing through it.

"I'll tell you when," Jess says to Oakley. "Then you're going to place your hand down into the water and touch the back part of one of the sharks, okay? So you're out of sight."

"Do you hear that, Oakley?" I ask.

He nods in a hurry. He's amped up and ready to do this.

I take pride that my son appears fearless. I like that.

He and Jess crouch down together.

I do the same.

I have my hands ready to go if I think even for a split second something can go wrong, I'll pull him back and out of the way.

"There are two right over there," Jesse says and points. "They like to swim at the top. They'll make a turn and come this way. Ready?"

"Ready," Oakley says.

We all fall silent.

The machinery is now the main noise.

It's warm and humid.

There's a salty smell in the along with the smell of fish.

Not to be too obvious, but it smells like a giant fish tank in here…

I see one of the sharks approaching.

The closer it gets, the faster my heart beats.

There's this sudden protective thing inside me. I never want Oakley to feel hurt, pain, or doubt. I never want Oakley to be upset or cry. I never want Oakley to have a bad day in his life.

"Let's put our hand down and touch," Jesse says so calmly.

Just like that, my little boy reaches down into the shark infested waters and I hear him gasp which tells me he did it.

The first thing he does is turn his head, eyes wide, smiling.

"I did it, Faust!"

"Yes, you did, kiddo," I say, smiling back at him.

I don't mind the Faust thing… even though it stings…

But a part of me wants to be Dad .

Fuck, my entire heart and soul wants to be Dad .

Hell, I'd dive head first into this water right now and wrestle every single shark if it meant Oakley would call me Dad…