Chapter 1

1

Shelby

Life has a weird way of smiling as it smacks you in the face.

I place my hand over my phone and flip it over.

I should have a drink now. A celebratory drink.

A drink because I'm alive and I guess I will be alive for a little bit longer.

Tears rush to my eyes.

I pinch the bridge of my nose.

Come on, Shelby, get it together. You can't go down the rabbit hole of ‘what if?' right now.

A hand touched her back. "Hey, it's okay, Shel."

My new and now best friend (why I keep calling Dani that I don't know) sits across from me and her hands wrap around a coffee mug.

"It's cold by now," I say.

"That's okay. I'm not drinking it. Coffee this late will have my anxiety even crazier."

"Do women ever get a chance to not be anxious?" I ask.

Dani snorts and laughs. She shakes her head. "You know, I love Nathan with all my heart. I really do."

"Ut-oh."

"Not like that. Believe me, if Nathan and I were going to get a divorce, you'd know. He's a moron but he's my moron and I love my moron. I just… you know, I'm the one up all night worrying about things. My body is the one taking the beating through this entire thing…"

This entire thing is Dani and Nathan's struggles with getting pregnant and two IVF attempts that sadly didn't work out. A subject Dani did not like for anyone to bring up, yet she brought it up many times.

I could not relate.

In fact, when the subject was brought up, I always felt a small sting of guilt.

Here I am, the woman who has a one-night stand and gets pregnant…

Right?

And then you have Dani who is happily married and she can't get pregnant.

That's life smiling and slapping you at the same time, I suppose.

"I think everyone handles that kind of thing in their own way," I say.

"I know," Dani says. She sighs. "I can't believe I just brought that up. What kind of friend am I?"

"A good friend."

"A terrible friend, Shel. After what happened to you recently? Yet I can't seem to shut up about my own problems."

From the small, square monitor next to me comes a small cry.

"Mommy…?"

I clench my teeth for a fraction of a second.

"Dammit," I whisper. "Another bad dream."

"Again?"

"Whoever invented the autoplay function is an asshole," I growl.

Dani smirks. "What exactly did he see again?"

"The intro to some scary movie. Something with a clown, of course. It had big teeth and wanted to eat a kid. So now that's all he dreams about."

Oakley lets out another yell for me.

I stand up.

Dani jumps up. "You sit. I've got this one."

"Dani…"

"He's my damn nephew, Shelby," Dani says with a smile.

I've always dreamed of having a best friend close enough that my kid or kids would call her aunt . And Dani revels in the fact that she's had Oakley his entire six years of life to cuddle and take care of.

Never for a second did she show an ounce of anger or jealousy toward me or Oakley.

What a great best friend I have.

Dani walks by me and touches my shoulder.

I stare at the monitor and watch Dani enter Oakley's room.

Quietly. Slowly. Announcing herself. Making sure he doesn't get any more scared than he already is. Dani uses the flashlight on her phone to illuminate some of the room. She sits on the bed next to Oakley and places her phone face down so the flashlight shines up to the ceiling.

She sits with my son, asking him to tell her about his dream.

I'm not sure if that's the best way to help little Oakley's active brain to forget about the scary clown movie. It was only ten seconds, maybe fifteen, before I could turn the damn thing off…

I flip my phone over and look down at the dark screen.

I touch, swipe, and stare at the results of the biopsy.

Everyone told me I was too young to have a baby (even being days away from giving birth, like I needed to hear that then - or now).

I was not too young to have a baby.

And I'm not too young to have a cancer scare either.

Dani gets Oakley to doze back off only after giving him a hair tie from her wrist.

To you and me it's just a basic black hair tie.

Not to my son.

Auntie Dani has confessed to Oakley that she too has bad dreams and she has a special bracelet that traps bad dreams and makes them vanish. She showed Oakley the hair tie, but in his little mind, he saw his escape from having nightmares. He proudly put the hair tie on his skinny wrist and rolled over, clutching his wrist tight.

I may or may not have shed a few tears watching this unfold.

By the time Dani returns to the kitchen table, my eyes are dry.

"He's so stinking cute," Dani says.

"You're the best, Dani. You should… it's not…"

Dani tilts her head. My only warning not to say something stupid right now.

"I want you to know something," I say. "This scare of mine… I need to get things in order, Dani. For real. Bad enough Burt and his asshole wife are forever threatening to sell the building and put me out on the street without a care in the world…"

( Quick backstory - my landlord's name is Burt. He's a sweet man. His wife is a raging bitch who only wants money. She watches the news and hears about rent prices and demands Burt raise the rent. So he does. Then she finds out how much the small building is worth and wants him to sell so they can retire to a beach. )

"Shelby," Dani says.

"No. Listen to me. Okay, big deal, I don't have breast cancer…"

"If you ever say it like that again, I will fucking slap you," Dani says.

I blush. "I didn't mean… I'm going to be a homeless single mom."

"First of all, you'll never be homeless."

"I am not living with you and Nathan."

"You would if you have no choice. But I don't think that will happen."

"Oh? You think I'm going to live here forever?"

"No, Shelby. You're living off an advance from a couple years ago and it's time to get moving again."

I don't respond.

Okay, so, after having a baby, I decided to take my chance and chase the dream of becoming an author. Apparently I wrote a vampire romance story that was good enough to land me an agent who then landed me a book offer. A real agent. A real book offer. And a real advance.

Since that time, however, I've done more writing of emails begging for more time than I did actually writing.

"It's hard," I whisper.

"I know it is. Besides that, it's time for something else, Shelby. You know there's one thing you and I disagree on? Right?"

I turn my head away.

I don't want to look at Dani. I don't want to look at the monitor.

If I can't bring up the IVF subject… then she can't bring up… this subject …

Plus, over the last month, from the moment I was taking a shower, washing my boobs and finding a lump under my right one… I've been thinking the same thing as Dani.

I hate myself for certain things I've done.

And I know with each passing day I continue to let certain things happen.

Believe me, I am well aware that I should reach out to Oakley's father… who doesn't even know Oakley exists.