Chapter 3

CHAPTER

THREE

M y muscles burned, and every inch of me hurt by the time I counted off the final set of lifts for my morning weight training session. As soon as I was done, I dropped the weights. They hit the floor with a resounding clang, and I let out a groan of relief.

"Pick that shit up, North," Coach said.

I wiped the sweat out of my eyes with the hem of my shirt and lifted the weights with a grimace, slotting them onto the rack where they belonged. My thigh muscles trembled from exertion. Coach had worked us hard today. We'd done squats, side lunges, box jumps, and medicine ball slams as well as our regular weights. I was soaked with sweat and desperate for a break—and the day had barely begun.

Like everyone on the team, I started most mornings with a session in the gym, then it was classes, lunch, more classes, and more fitness training. It was already exhausting, and it was only the preseason.

As I went through my stretching routine, lying on a yoga mat with my head pressed against my knee and my hands gripping my calf to stretch out my hamstring, I reminded myself that I was lucky to be here. There was no way I would have been accepted into Lassiter on my grades alone, and I loved playing ball, so all sarcasm aside, I really was living the dream.

It was just that the dream was a lot tougher than it looked.

I finished my stretches, and as I was putting my mat away, Coach barked out, "North!" My office," and strode off.

It didn't take a genius to know what this was about.

Coach was sitting behind his desk, and he nodded at the empty chair. "Sit your ass down."

I sat.

"You wanna explain to me why you're wasting time pulling dumb fraternity stunts?"

My face heated, and I stared at the scuffed spot on the toe of my sneaker. "Um."

Excellent defense, Tanner. Are you sure you don't want to switch to prelaw?

Coach huffed out a loud breath. "That's it? Um?"

"I—"

He lifted one hand and cut me off with the look of a man who'd been down this road often enough to have named all the potholes. "Don't bother coming up with an excuse—let me guess. It was some pledge bullshit, right?"

I nodded, biting my lip.

The silence drew out, until finally I glanced up.

Coach caught and held my gaze. "Listen, North, you're a good kid. You might even make a half-decent ball player. So get your shit together and focus on what matters. Play hard, study hard. You gotta grab this opportunity by the balls, you hear me? No more dumbass stunts."

"No sir."

He gave a satisfied nod. "Good. You're already smarter than your brother. Now get to class."

I left the office and headed for the showers, and as I soaped myself up, I reflected on what he'd said. I didn't want to be one of those jocks who graduated college on the strength of my batting average. I wasn't exactly academic, but I wasn't totally stupid either. I knew the odds, and I needed some skills to fall back on if the baseball thing didn't work out.

And yet, I'd risked landing in the shit for a stupid prank.

Maybe I wasn't smarter than Colt after all.

Still, I'd gotten off lightly—apart from the fact that Charlie probably hated me even more now.

I mean, I was assuming he hated me. It wasn't like I'd talked to him or anything. Bart had banned me from going anywhere near Alpha Tau, and Charlie sure as hell hadn't come looking for me. The one time I'd seen him this week, he'd been out walking the dog, and he'd actually crossed the street to avoid me. So I was pretty sure he was still pissed, and I didn't even blame him. For all I knew, Charlie was so mad that he had a doll with my face he was sticking pins into. Maybe my muscle soreness wasn't all from training.

I headed back to Kappa to eat before I went to my first class of the day. It was English Lit, and we spent an hour learning about Shakespeare, which was a lot more interesting than I'd expected but also kind of confusing. It must have shown on my face because at the end of class Nash Wilson, who was sitting next to me, asked, "Hey, did you get any of that?"

Nash was in Gamma Kappa. He was a nice guy, and I didn't mean that in a derogatory way. He was a ray of fucking sunshine, honestly, tall and lean with a smile that lit up the room and not a mean bone in his body. He was a pitcher, and everyone on the squad liked him. So I was confident he wouldn't make fun of me when I wrinkled my nose and said, "Some, but he lost me when he started talking about symbolism."

"Oh man, same," Nash said. "I was not prepared for this."

I packed up my laptop, and we moved out of the lecture hall.

As Nash walked with me across campus toward fraternity row, he said, "Hey, there's this study group my big told me about. It runs Monday nights in the library. Apparently the guy really knows his stuff. Wanna check it out with me?"

Monday nights were one of my few free evenings, but I mostly spent them doing homework anyway, so a study group that would fit into my crowded schedule was too good to pass up. "Sure, why not?"

"It starts at seven. See you there?"

"See you there," I echoed.

After lunch I spent the afternoon in Calculus 1 and then since it had cooled a little, I took the chance to go for a run.

I liked to run. I wasn't out to break any records, but it was my quiet time, where I could let my mind wander while my legs carried me where I needed to go. I knew that when I finished the route I had mapped out, the fresh air and steady thud of my shoes against the pavement would have worked its usual magic and I'd find I'd regained some of my mental clarity.

A cool breeze whispered across my skin, a refreshing contrast against my sweat-soaked shirt, and it felt good. Forrest Gump had been onto something. There weren't many things that were better than just running.

Apart from when I'd kissed Charlie, of course.

That had been better than anything.

I slowed as I jogged back to Kappa, and my legs were heavy when I pounded up the driveway. After grabbing a water from the kitchen, I climbed the stairs to the nearest bathroom, found an empty stall, and showered. The combination of the workout and the warm water had me sagging, so once I was back in my room, I set my alarm for thirty minutes and crawled under the top sheet.

The beep of the alarm woke me what seemed like seconds later. I groaned and dragged myself upright. The nap had done its job, though. I felt like I could get through the evening at least.

I headed for the kitchen to see what was for dinner. Some fraternities had sit-down meals, but Kappa was more of a "grab and go" kinda deal. I checked out the fridge and put together a couple of burritos from the ingredients in there. To their credit, the rest of the Kappas knew I needed to watch my diet as part of my training and were pretty good about making sure there was plenty of protein and salads and healthy shit when they shopped—which was kind of ironic, considering how much they also partied.

By the time I'd eaten it was close to seven, so I grabbed my laptop and headed outside. Nash was waiting for me out the front. He was using one of the benches outside to do leg stretches. A couple of girls were watching him avidly, but I didn't think he'd noticed.

"Hey, bro," he said when he saw me.

"Hey," I said, and we fist-bumped. "What's the deal with this study group thing?"

"So this Mercer guy is smart, right?" Nash said, lifting his backpack onto his shoulder. "He does tutoring too, but he also puts together these study groups each semester. My big brother at Gamma says it saved his ass last year."

We headed into the library.

The library was pretty cool. It was in one of Lassiter's oldest buildings and was built back in the day when architects only knew how to do columns. But it had been expanded since, sometime during the period when architects were super into concrete blocks, so when you walked through it, you went from high ceilings and wood paneling and fancy cornices right into the communist bloc. If some guy had marched out of the stacks and said, "Papers, please," I wouldn't have been surprised.

The study rooms were in the East Berlin section of the library, past the stacks, then down a cinderblock hallway with a collection of soda and snack vending machines. Nash stopped and got a water, but I saw how his finger hovered over the buttons first, like he really wanted that Mountain Dew instead. I guessed I wasn't the only guy on the team who was struggling with my new diet.

Like, I wasn't a junk food addict or anything, and I'd made sure to eat decently in high school, but college baseball was next-level. And everyone always said that, so I'd thought I was pretty well prepared for both the physical and the mental shift into a higher gear. The preseason would ease me in, right? Then I got here and the reality of all those early morning weight training sessions, afternoon conditioning sessions, and strict eating plans hit me. I was pretty sure Nash and I didn't do food any more. We did nutrition. I didn't even know what a macro was, but suddenly I had an app to track them. I hadn't had a donut in a month.

"It's like an unofficial thing," Nash said as he twisted open his water. He took a swig. "Mason—that's my big—said people just turn up with snacks, and it's kind of like a group project, except, you know, everyone wants to be there and do the work. And if you're really struggling, you can hire Mercer as a tutor, but I think he fills up his hours pretty quickly."

We were supposed to bring snacks?

I pulled my student card out, and paid way too much for a couple of packets of vending machine chips I couldn't even eat.

A pair of girls in yoga pants and baggy sweatshirts were leaning against the wall a little way up from the vending machines.

"Hey," Nash said. "Is this study group?"

The girls—Lacey and Amity—were sophomores, but they didn't let our freshman status deter them once they found out we were on the baseball squad. I bumbled my way through an awkward conversation where I tried to figure out if they were maybe coming onto us. I was used to bumbling, but I wasn't expecting Nash to be as tongue-tied as I was. Thankfully it didn't take too long until we were joined by a bunch of other people, and Lacey and Amity switched targets.

That might have been unfair. Maybe they were just being friendly. It wasn't like I was good at telling the difference. Just ask Kennedy Dupont and her swimming pool.

Nash rubbed the back of his neck and gave me a sheepish look. "I'm not real good with..."

"People?" I asked in an undertone.

"Girls," he said. Color rose in his cheeks. "I saw your pin. The one you have on your backpack."

Oh.

Back home, when I was dreaming of college, I'd thought it would be big and bright and liberating. Like, not a year-long Pride parade or anything, but it'd be different . Turned out it was just as awkward and uncomfortable as most of high school had been. Or at least I was. So I hadn't met a fellow member of the rainbow club in a rain of glitter and a barrage of cheers, but that was okay. The important thing was, we'd met. This was it. The first part of my found family. Because, yeah, I was still counting on that part. Looking forward to upgrading from my real family, to be honest.

Like, my parents weren't terrible or anything. They were fine. But Colt? He was a dickhead. Some kids fantasized that they were adopted. I fantasized that my brother was.

"Cool," I said.

"Cool," Nash echoed, and we both shuffled our feet on the linoleum floor and smiled at our shoes.

I was so busy not looking up that I missed the arrival of our tutor. First thing I knew was when people were picking up their bags and hefting their books and folders and someone said, "Hey, Charlie!"

It couldn't be.

What were the fucking odds of Charlie being in the group?

I jerked my head up just in time to see a shock of familiar red hair and Charlie's caught-in-the-headlights look as we came face to face for the first time since Alpha Tau and the Great Jello Incident.

"Tanner," he said. " What are you doing here?"

The way he said "you" was not a compliment, and everyone packed into the corridor knew it.

"Um," I said. "Shakespeare."

Charlie blinked at me.

"I'm here to learn Shakespeare," I managed to get out past the roaring sound in my skull. "I heard a guy runs a study group."

Charlie continued to stare.

"Um," said Nash, and yeah, he was clearly my found family. Inarticulate gay twins, separated at birth. "Yeah, I told Tanner about the group?"

He said it like a question. If Papers Please guy from the communist bloc took him into a small room and sat him down in front of a bright desk lamp, he'd dissolve like candy floss in a puddle.

"What are you here studying?" I asked, hoping against hope that he'd forget that he hated me and fall into my subtle conversational trap.

He blinked. "I run the group, Tanner."

And with that he turned his back on me, strode into the room, and dumped his books at the bottom of the horseshoe-shaped configuration of tables, ignoring me. The other dozen or so students followed his lead and found themselves a space, leaving me and Nash standing in the doorway like a pair of spare dicks at a wedding.

Next to me, Nash made an unhappy sound. "What was that about?"

"Um, we had a misunderstanding," I said, "and I'm pretty sure Charlie hates me."

"Oh." Nash hesitated. "Um, there are probably other study groups if this is gonna be awkward." But I caught the way he eyed the couple of remaining spots at the table with the same sort of wistful look he'd given the Mountain Dew, and I shook my head. There was no reason for Nash to miss out .

I shoved the chips at him and picked up my bag. "I'll go. You can always share your notes with me later."

"Wait." Charlie's voice was quiet, but I heard him just fine. When I glanced over his brow was furrowed, like he was struggling to figure something out. He got up and came over. When he spoke, he kept his voice low. "You really didn't know this was my group?"

"How would I? Nash just said he'd heard there was this smart guy who ran a study group, and it fits in with our schedule."

Charlie's cheeks flushed. "So you're not…"

And I got it.

"Wait, you thought I was stalking you?"

His cheeks burned as red as his hair. "Maybe?"

The idea was so ridiculous that I burst out laughing.

Charlie scowled. "Well what was I meant to think? First you show up at Alpha Tau and now here?"

I snorted. "Bruh, if I was smart enough to figure out that I could stalk you through turning up at study group, I wouldn't need to turn up at study group."

Charlie pressed his lips together like he was trying hard not to smile. Or plotting where to bury my dead body. I hoped it was the first thing.

"I swear I didn't know," I said, "but I do want to talk."

"I don't think there's anything to talk about." His gaze flicked between Nash and me.

Nash's eyes were wide as saucers. "Uh, this wasn't a setup. Mason suggested I join the group, and today in class, I told Tanner about it."

"Oh yeah?" Charlie asked. "You guys close?"

The way he said it had the hairs on the back of my neck prickling, like when you were playing a video game and there was an empty corridor and it looked totally harmless, but you just fucking knew there was a hidden pit at the end of it filled with flesh eating spiders or some shit. Or Kennedy Dupont told you she wanted your opinion on clothes. Same thing.

"We're on the same team," I said.

"The baseball team," Nash said. "We only just met, really."

So much for being my long-lost twin brother.

Except Charlie's expression softened, so maybe Nash knew what he was doing after all. Like always, my penny dropped way after everyone else's. "Oh shit, did you think we were a thing?"

"No," Charlie said primly. "And it wouldn't be any of my business if you were."

Liar .

"Okay!" Charlie said, so loudly that I jolted. He looked around at the rest of the study group, who were openly digging into snacks as they watched the show. Lacey even had popcorn. "Tanner and Nash will be joining us too. To study. Which is what we're all doing here. Studying. Uh, I see a couple of new faces, so let's go around the group and introduce ourselves."

Nash and I bolted to grab seats while Charlie's face turned as red as his hair.

We went around, and everyone shared something about themselves. While I waited for my turn, I tried to get Charlie's attention and see if I could arrange to talk to him later. He ignored me, and I wondered what the hell I was meant to do next. Take out an ad on a campus billboard?

Except, as I listened to everyone else, it occurred to me that I had the perfect opportunity right here. "Introduce yourselves" was pretty much an open invitation to say anything.

And it was probably crazy, but it might also be the only way I was going to get Charlie to listen to me.

I sat there, clenching my hands together tightly in my lap as some guy said his name was Chris and he'd been coming to study group since Charlie started it last year, and it was great to see some new faces. The girl sitting next to him was Awa, a freshman, and her voice squeaked when she spoke like she wasn't used to being the center of attention. Then there was Ryan, Britney, and Brenton, and suddenly it was my turn.

I cleared my throat and said, "I'm Tanner. I'm a freshman. I'm in the baseball squad, and I'm also in Kappa Beta Rho. I don't really understand Shakespeare, and last summer I kissed a cute guy at a party, and I even got his number and then a guy I knew smashed my phone. And the guy I kissed probably thinks I ditched him, but I didn't. We were just star-crossed lovers."

Charlie's jaw dropped.

Nash's did too.

And really, I didn't think most of the others in the study group needed to be here, because when it came to understanding shit, they were all over it. All fucking over it.

An electric silence came over the room, broken only when Lacey placed another piece of popcorn in her mouth and said, "Well, that's why he didn't notice your tits, Amity."

"They are very nice tits, though," Awa said with a shy smile. Bless her heart.

Charlie buried his face in his hands and started to laugh.

I could work with that.

After study group, which had mostly been getting to know everyone instead of actually taking our books out, a group of us walked back to Fraternity Row together. Amity and Lacey were at Zeta Tau, and Charlie knew them well. Apparently the Zetas and the Alphas had a longstanding history.

"It used to be, you'd join Zeta Tau to marry an Alpha," Amity said. "Like, way back when. Get yourself a future lawyer on the hook, you know? Now we mostly just smash."

"We do not smash ," Lacey said. "We explore our independence and sexuality and celebrate our bodies as modern women without the constraints of purity culture."

"Smash," Amity repeated, and I laughed. "Hey, Charlie, tell James I said hi?"

"Which one?"

Amity flashed him a grin. "Either."

Charlie smiled. "Okay."

I'd somehow ended up walking next to Charlie.

Okay, it hadn't been an accident.

"Um," I said as we reached the sidewalk outside Alpha Tau. "Can we talk?"

Charlie shot me a narrow look. "Well, it's not as though I can invite you into Alpha Tau, is it? And frankly I wouldn't go to your fraternity house without a Hazmat suit."

"Oh."

His expression softened. "We can talk here if you want?"

Fireworks went off in my chest. "Okay." I took a moment to get my thoughts in order before opening my mouth and coming out with a heartfelt, "Um."

The corner of Charlie's mouth quirked up in the beginning of a smile, and it was enough encouragement for me to try again. "I really did mean to call you. But my phone got smashed. And then I couldn't find you. Matt and Jacob were out of town, and nobody else knew who you were."

"It's fine, Tanner. A hot jock kissed me, and I thought we maybe had something. My ego got bruised when you ghosted me, that's all."

"Wait. You think I'm hot?"

"Well, yeah. Have you seen you?" Charlie said. "But also, that's your takeaway from this?" He gave me a crooked smile, and it woke memories of our last kiss and made me want to do it again.

And if we had been anywhere except standing on the sidewalk with an audience, I might have. But I was all too aware that Amity and Lacey were right there watching us with bated breath, like we were the otters at SeaWorld and we were about to hold hands .

I ducked my head and examined my shoes so Charlie wouldn't see my blush and asked, "So, um. Are we cool?"

"Yeah, we're cool."

Charlie held his hand out.

I stared at it dumbly.

"Well," he said, "you'd better give me your new phone so I can put my number in it, right?"

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach, and I almost fumbled my phone getting it out of my pocket. I caught it before it hit the ground and smashed. Again.

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Remind me how you're a ball player?"

"Are you a pitcher or a catcher, Tanner?" Amity called out.

"Uh," I said. "I mostly play shortstop."

Amity and Lacey peeled away, heading for Zeta Tau, cackling like hens.

"Shortstop," Charlie said, shaking his head as he put his number in my phone. "See you next study group, Tanner."

I sent him a text right away.

Hey, this is Tanner. I like your face.

He laughed out loud when he read it.

I stood in the street and watched him walk into Alpha Tau, and I didn't walk the rest of the way home.

I floated.