Chapter 1

CHAPTER

ONE

K ennedy Dupont had been planning her big summer blowout for months. The party had been catered by one of the hotels her dad owned. She'd pored over every detail of the DJ's setlist like it was the Treaty of Versailles and peace hung in the balance. Most importantly, her parents were in Virginia Beach for the whole weekend, so we had the run of the house. And it was a hell of a house. Three floors of professionally decorated rooms with high ceilings, a basement that was tricked out like a nightclub, and a lagoon-style pool out the back that looked like it belonged in a Pacific Island resort. I was aiming to head straight for the pool, but when I arrived, Kennedy wasn't having any of that.

"Tanner!" she exclaimed, as though I was her favorite person in the world, even though she hadn't spoken to me in the month since Brayden, one of my teammates, had broken up with her. They were both going to Mizzou in two weeks, so that was going to be messy. But since I was staying in Virginia and attending Lassiter, it wasn't my problem. "Oh my god. Did you do something new to your hair? It looks great!"

"Uh, thanks." I dragged a hand through my blond hair, which was the only thing I usually did with it. So no, nothing new on the hair front at all .

She looked me up and down. "Have you been working out?"

"Um, yeah." I was going to Lassiter on a partial baseball scholarship, and my high school coach had recommended I spend the summer hitting the gym to get in peak condition so that college ball wouldn't be such a shock to my system. I'd taken his advice, and it showed. I was kinda lean before, but now I had a lot more muscle definition, especially in my legs and calves. Like, I wasn't fully jacked or anything, but my shirts had gone up a size, and I was a lot more solid than I had been.

"Well you look real good. Come up to my room!" she exclaimed and caught me by the hand.

The party was already pumping. There were kids all over the place. One of them bumped into me, as Kennedy drew me up the wide, curving staircase from the foyer, and spilled whatever he was drinking on the steps. Bright red liquid dripped down the raisers.

Kennedy only laughed and kept pulling me up the stairs.

There were even more kids on the second floor, darting in and out of bedrooms they probably weren't supposed to be in. A girl was falling out of her bikini top and giggling as her friend tried to tie it up again. A couple of guys I knew from math class were ogling the spectacle. The friend shot the math class guys a dirty glare and pulled Free Boob Girl into a bedroom so they lost the audience.

Kennedy dragged me past the math class guys and into her bedroom, closing the door behind us.

I hadn't been in Kennedy's room before. It was big—probably bigger than my living room at home—and as light and airy as the rest of the house. It looked like a fancy hotel room, not a place someone actually lived. Kennedy pushed me over onto her bed and then strutted over to her closet and pulled the doors open. An avalanche of clothes and other shit tumbled out, so I guessed she was a real person underneath the glossy picture-perfect exterior after all .

"What do you think?" she asked, holding up a tiny scrap of bright pink fabric.

"Um." I straightened up from the sprawl she'd left me in. "What is it?"

She stared at me like I was an idiot. "It's a tube top."

It didn't look like it would fit a Barbie, let alone a human being. "Oh. Why are you showing me a tube top?"

She rolled her eyes. "Because I want to know if you think Brayden will like it."

"Didn't you guys break up?"

She rolled her eyes again and then, to my total surprise, she began to unbutton her blouse.

So, the thing was, I wasn't out. Not to anyone. When my last girlfriend had asked me if there was some reason I never wanted to do anything more than make out a little, like maybe I was gay, I'd lied and blurted out something about Jesus always watching. Like, I'd committed. We'd ended up praying together, for fuck's sake. Then, a week later, she'd dumped me. We were both pretty relieved about that. But the point was, as far as everyone knew, I was one hundred percent straight. And now I was staring at my second set of boobs in under a minute.

"Uh," I said. "What are you doing?"

Kennedy took way longer than necessary to wriggle into the pink tube top. Then, after shaking her blonde hair out, she lifted her arms and twirled. "What do you think?"

"You look really hot." My voice squeaked, but I figured that an "overwhelmed horny straight boy seeing boobs" squeak and "panicking gay boy seeing boobs" squeak probably sounded the same to the untrained ear. "Yeah, Brayden's totally gonna lose his mind when he sees you."

Kennedy flicked her hair over her shoulder, wearing a pleased smile. "You're so sweet!"

"Ha," I said weakly. I had no idea where the hell this conversation was going, but I wanted out. "Anyhow, I guess you should go find Brayden?"

Kennedy gave an exasperated huff and gestured to her jeans. "But I haven't found a bottom yet!"

You and me both, girlfriend!

But of course I didn't say that. I had a feeling that, even when I was out and proud, I wouldn't be a sassy gay. Sassy gays were bright and loud and quick-witted. I'd said "uh" and "um" about a hundred times since walking into this house. I was about a million boring miles away from sassy.

Also, that whole bottom thing? That was a joke. I didn't know if that was what I was looking for. Maybe I was the bottom. Like, I'd had some pretty intense fantasies in both directions for the past few years, but in practice I had no idea—because there had been no practice. None. Nada. Zilch.

"I don't think you need my help to pick an outfit," I told Kennedy.

"I know that, dummy. I just need you to tell me how hot I am." She gave me another twirl. "You know. For Brayden."

That still didn't make much sense to me, but I wasn't about to argue with Kennedy. She'd once keyed Brayden's truck because he followed a hot girl on Insta. It turned out it was his cousin, but by the time Brayden explained, it was too late for his truck's paintwork. So I said, "Uh, okay, I guess."

Kennedy beamed at me and hurried back to her closet. She pulled out a bunch of denim shorts that all looked the same to me and some cute little skirts while I lounged awkwardly on her bed and really, really hoped that if this was a repeat of the tube top thing she was at least wearing underwear.

Outside, the music was still pumping, and I heard the sound of something smashing. There was a moment of silence, and then a loud cheer went up. But whatever was going on, Kennedy didn't seem bothered enough to check.

"What about this one?" she asked, holding a scrap of tartan fabric up over her jeans.

"Uh, yeah."

She gave me a smile and a giggle and half hid behind her closet door while she stripped her jeans off and pulled the tiny skirt on. Then she sashayed out again, flicking her hair over her shoulder like she was a horse getting rid of a fly, and crossed the room to the bed. She gave me another twirl and, before I even knew what was happening, launched herself on top of me and straddled my hips.

"Um, what are you doing?" I asked, even though the hand going for the front of my shorts was a dead giveaway. I was shocked but not shocked enough to be unable to react. I was bigger than her and a hell of a lot stronger. I pushed her off me, rolling out from under her as I did.

"Tanner! What the hell ?"

"I gotta go!" I blurted and bolted for her door.

I opened it and dived through, pulling it shut behind me. I leaned against it for a moment, waiting for my heartbeat to slow and my brain to catch up with what the fuck was going on here.

She obviously wanted to make Brayden jealous or something because I didn't for one second think she was genuinely interested in me. Too bad for her plan that she hadn't picked a more receptive target.

The door handle rattled. Until that moment, I hadn't realized I was still holding it.

"Tanner?" Kennedy sounded pissed.

A few guys wandered down the hallway. One of them was Matt from Biology. He was carrying a six-pack and had his arm slung around his best friend, Jacob. They were both already looking unsteady on their feet. The third guy was?—

The third guy was cute as fuck.

He was tall, taller than me, but it was hard to tell how much because he had seriously floofy red hair. He was pale with blue eyes and a soft-looking mouth and ears that stuck out probably a bit more than he wanted. He was freaking adorable.

"Hey, you guys!" I said, greeting them like they were my best friends even though my conversations with Matt had probably only ever extended as far as asking if I could borrow his notes and I couldn't tell you the last time I'd spoken with Jacob. I pushed myself off the door and hurried to join them as they headed downstairs. "Where're y'all headed? The pool? We should go to the pool."

"Hey, Tanner," Jacob said, sounding a little suspicious.

I picked up the pace, pretending I didn't hear Kennedy yelling, "Tanner!" from behind me.

"Hi," I said to the redhead. "I'm Tanner."

"Hi." He gave me a hesitant little smile. "I'm Charlie. I'm Jacob's cousin."

"Nice to meet you," I said. "We're going to the pool, right?"

We met a crush of kids at the bottom of the stairs. Most of them were loaded up with bottles of alcohol. They rolled over us like a loud, excited wave, and somehow, when they were gone, they'd taken Matt and his buddy with them and left me and Charlie stranded at the bottom of the stairs.

"Tanner!" Kennedy yelled from upstairs, and I didn't know what I was thinking.

I just grabbed Charlie's hand and pulled him down the hallway, away from the crowd heading for the pool, away from Kennedy, and away from everyone. And I could only figure that Charlie was so surprised he let it happen.

I pulled us into a sitting room and closed the door behind us.

The noise from the party was deadened a little. The doof, doof, doof beat of the music didn't rattle my bones like it had out there. The sitting room was done in like six hundred different shades of beige. It was probably supposed to be fancy, but it just looked kind of sterile and weird to me.

Not only was I never going to be a sassy gay, but I was also never going to be a Queer Eye gay.

Charlie's bright red hair was a flash of color in the otherwise boring as shit room. And his eyes were so blue as he blinked at me with his head on an angle .

"Um," I said and shuffled my shoes on the thick carpet. "Uh."

And he smiled, his cheeks turning pink. "Tanner, you said, right?"

I gulped. "That's right."

"I don't really like loud parties either," he said. "Or, um, people in general? I mean, loud people."

"What—what do you like?" I asked.

He bit his lip and wrinkled his nose. "I like books and studying. That sounds pretty lame, huh?"

"No!" I said too quickly. Like, maybe a little bit? But in a super cute way. "I'm not real good with studying."

We stared awkwardly at each other and then the carpet and then each other again. Charlie fiddled with the hem of his shirt, and his long sleeve rode up just far enough that I caught another glimpse of color, this time around his narrow wrist.

"Is that a—" I gestured.

Charlie froze and then tugged his sleeve up to show me the beaded bracelet. "Oh. Yeah. My brother made it for me. It's a rainbow."

That word hung between us for a moment. Like, did it mean what I thought it meant, or was Charlie the most oblivious Noah's Ark fan in the world?

No.

That was stupid.

Of course it meant what I thought it meant.

"That's cool," I said, hardly able to hear my own words over the rush of blood in my skull. "That you have a brother who made that. I guess little kids love crafts, right?"

I was super proud of getting a whole sentence out.

"Oh," Charlie said again. "No. He's twenty-one. And he's my fraternity brother. And my roommate. He does have little sisters though. Maybe that's where he got the beads."

"Oh," I said. " You're at college?"

"Yeah."

There was probably room for a follow-up question there, or a whole bunch of them, but I made the strategic choice to stare at the carpet again.

Charlie cleared his throat. "So, please don't punch me in the face for asking or anything, but why did you drag me in here?"

"I like your face!" I blurted, like a fucking idiot.

Charlie was as wide-eyed as a raccoon by now. "Are you—are you flirting with me? Was that flirting? I might be wrong. I'm probably wrong. Again, please don't punch me."

"I wouldn't punch you! I..." It was my turn to go red, if the heat rising to my face was any indication. There were probably a hundred different ways to tell a guy you thought he was cute, but I finished up lamely, again, with, "I like your face."

But Charlie didn't laugh. He smiled, and dimples appeared on his cheeks, making him three million percent cuter. I didn't think that was a real number, but we'd moved into the real theoretical universe-bending stuff here. "I, um... I like your face too."

"Thanks."

His smile grew. "This is flirting, right?"

He said it like he was making fun of both of us and not just me.

"Yeah," I said. "It's pretty bad though. Sorry. I'm kind of new at it."

He bit his lip, but that did nothing to stop his smile from growing again. "I like it. Can I...?"

And before I'd even figured out the question, he'd stepped closer, right into my space, and my answer was yes. Yes to anything because warmth was radiating off his skin, and he smelled like fabric softener and apple shampoo and some sort of scent that reminded me of walking through the men's fragrance section in a department store where those guys spritzed you whether you liked it or not.

"Here," he said and lifted his hand to my face. He tilted my chin up and leaned in and kissed me. It was a soft kiss at first, still a question, but when I reached up and pulled my fingers through his red curls, he opened his mouth and then our tongues were touching.

I'd kissed before, but it had never felt so electric, never so right . Never like my skin was suddenly a size too small to contain my body and bubbles were bursting in my bloodstream. I felt hot all over, almost dizzy with it, and if I didn't have one hand in Charlie's hair and the other one on his hip, I wouldn't have been able to tell which way was up anymore. I would have been like an astronaut bumping around the capsule in zero gravity, except Charlie was keeping me tethered in place.

He ended the kiss, drawing back slightly and opening his eyes. "Wow."

The word was a puff of warm air against my face, and I echoed it. "Wow."

Charlie smiled, his eyes lighting up.

My lips tingled, and my heart beat faster. I'd told myself that when I got to Lassiter I was going to be out and if not proud, at least not in the closet and that I'd kiss a guy. And here I was, an entire three weeks ahead of schedule.

Go me.

I smiled back and ran my fingers through Charlie's hair and tried to think of something to say that wasn't as lame as "I like your face" but less desperate than "that was amazing and can we do it again and anything else you'd like to do please and thank you."

I fell back on my old standby.

"Um."

Charlie's smile widened, so maybe he was taking it as a compliment that I couldn't form a sentence right now. "Want to do it again?"

Holy shit, he was a mind reader!

In lieu of words, I managed a nod and tilted my head up like last time.

How was it possible for the second kiss to be better than the first one? Okay, so maybe we both had a better idea of what we were doing, but shouldn't that have taken the edge off some of the dizzying anticipation I'd felt during our first kiss? It didn't, and I wasn't mad about it. It was amazing . It was even more amazing when Charlie shifted his weight somehow, and I realized that I could feel his wood pressing into my hip. It made me less worried that he'd notice mine.

Not that he could fail to notice it—you could probably see that thing from space. Now visible—the Great Wall of China and Tanner North's first big gay boner.

He didn't move away though, and he didn't stop kissing me, and in a fit of unexpected courage, I slid one hand down his back and stroked his ass. My fingers flexed nervously as I grabbed hold of the firm muscle, and he made a sound against my mouth that I was pretty sure meant he liked it.

I liked it too. More than liked it. I'd thought about how it might feel to be with a guy, but I hadn't been prepared for just how good, how right, it would be. And if a kiss and some polite groping felt this amazing, what would it be like to make out with someone properly?

Maybe now was the perfect time to find out, since I had a cute guy right here and all.

Which was right when the door to the room opened, and Jacob and Matt stumbled in.

"Holy fuck," Matt said. "Tanner's gay?"

Jacob slapped him on the chest. "Charlie, let's get out of here. This party blows."

"Tanner the jock ," Matt said, like it was that unbelievable.

"Shut the fuck up, man," Jacob said and raised his eyebrows. "Charlie? Let's go."

Charlie stepped away from me. "Sorry, these guys are my ride."

"That's cool," I said, even though it wasn't cool. It wasn't cool at all .

Charlie bit his lower lip. "I'm in town for the rest of summer though."

"Oh," I said.

We stared at each other.

"Fuck's sake, Tanner," Jacob said, rolling his eyes. "He wants you to ask him for his number."

Wow. All this time I'd never spoken to Jacob, and it turned out that was a mistake, because the guy had some incredible insights. In all fairness though, I'd been too distracted by my space boner to pick up on the cues Charlie had been giving me.

"Can I?" I blurted, tugging my phone out of my pocket and shoving it toward him. "Have it? Your number?"

Jacob and Matt had some sort of friendly wrestling match in the doorway while Charlie put his number in my phone.

When he handed it back, he gave me a smile and said, "Call anytime. I mean it."

"Okay," I said. "I will."

Hell, he'd be lucky to be out of the house by the time I did.

No, okay, I could play it just a little bit cool. I figured I'd text him after the party to say hi and then maybe we could arrange a time to meet up. My final few weeks at home, which I'd thought would be taken up with packing and other boring shit, suddenly seemed full of possibilities.

"Bye," Charlie said and smiled at me before Jacob and Matt pulled him into their impromptu straight-guy-but-also-kind-of-borderline wrestling match, and the three of them staggered down the hallway together.

I clutched my phone like a lifeline and tried to remember how to breathe.

I'd accidentally come out to Matt and Jacob, and none of the terrible things I'd worried might happen had happened. Instead, I'd ended up with a cute guy's number.

Barely five minutes had passed, but my whole world had changed, and I loved it.

After I remembered how to breathe, I decided that I was thirsty. I headed out of the room, craning my head for a glimpse of Charlie just in case he'd decided to stay after all. I didn't see him, so I guessed he hadn't.

I wandered outside toward the pool, knowing I'd find a bunch of coolers out there. It was hard going. There must have been hundreds of kids packed into the house by now. I didn't even recognize most of them.

I made it outside at last, squeezing between a bunch of drunk guys who had to be in their twenties, and wondering if I should be smart and leave too before this party turned into a total clusterfuck and the cops inevitably showed up.

But first I was going to get that drink.

"Hey!"

I turned my head to see Brayden bearing down on me. "Hey, what's?—"

"Asshole!" he yelled, the insult hitting me just before his fist did.

It looked like the clusterfuck part of the evening had arrived.

"What the fuck?" I pushed him away, but he dived for me again and brought me down in a messy, drunken tackle. Something cracked, and I hoped it wasn't my head or my spine.

"You got it on with Kennedy! Parker saw you leaving her room!"

"I did not!" I yelled back at him, trying to scramble out from underneath him at the same time. I was going to yell at him to ask her himself, but I'd always been a slow learner. Of course she wouldn't tell him the truth. She'd only wanted to make him jealous to start with.

I could not wait until this high school bullshit was over with.

College wasn't like this, right?

Right ?

I got a knee in Brayden's stomach and pushed him off me, just as a couple of guys came over to pull us apart.

And it was then that I saw my phone lying on the pavers beside the pool, in about ten different pieces. That explained the cracking noise. I must have dropped it, and one of us had clearly stomped on it.

"My phone!" I said, scrabbling for the bits. Charlie's number! My incredible summer! "You broke my phone, you fu?—"

And then, just when I figured the night couldn't get any worse, Brayden pulled himself free of the guys holding him, let out the kind of yell you'd give to rouse a barbarian horde into battle, and tackled me right into the fucking pool.