Chapter 15 - Lila

I'm jolted from my deep sleep when the howl outside grows louder. More desperate and urgent, as if a werewolf is in trouble.

Immediately sitting up in bed, I bite my lip as trepidation skitters through my being. I'm only slightly aware that dangers lurk beyond our borders, thanks to my brother, who filled me in on the newly formed alliance between Blood Moon and other packs in the region.

It's information I should have been told by the Alpha, my mate. As the Luna, I'm supposed to be a part of what goes on in the pack, yet I have to hear about things from my brother, the Beta, as if I'm nothing more than the worthless Omega of the pack.

Little has changed for me besides my living conditions. I now live in the main house—the biggest house in the quaint town of Zafra—but I'm still the shift-less werewolf who everyone despises.

Everyone including Flynn, I scoff to myself, climbing off the bed and padding across the bedroom to the window. Outside, the howls continue filling the air. There's no point in getting worked up since howls like these usually signal a mating cry or the triumph of a successful hunt.

Still, a shiver courses down my spine, unsettling the pit of my belly. I decide to explore why I feel that way, throwing a gown on and heading downstairs.

Perhaps it’s the anxious feeling that had me climbing into bed in the first place that resurfaces now—a strong sense of trepidation that built when I decided to cook a hearty meal for the Alpha of Blood Moon. I thought I'd serve him dinner when he got back home, but I'd been too nervous to wait around for his return, so I left the pot where he'd find it if he was hungry enough to hunt the kitchen and hid under my blanket until I fell asleep.

I gulp at the top of the stairs, mentally preparing myself in case I find him downstairs.

It's a human saying, or so I've read—“the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.” It's a theory I thought I'd test as a way to soften Flynn's iron heart in the hopes that he'd open up to me. I'd only briefly glimpsed the demons he battles when I overheard his conversation with my brother—the anguish in his voice, the pain that lingered in his eyes even after I'd entered.

I can't shake off the feeling that he doesn't want to be the brute he makes himself out to be. Perhaps I'm clinging on to the memory of his compassion as tightly as I'm clutching the railing as I descend the stairs; I can count the number of times I've witnessed a different side of him on one hand.

But a hand is strong enough to hold on to hope that beneath those tough layers lies a man capable of being kinder, at least for the sake of amicability, to live out the rest of our lives without walking on eggshells around one another. This constant tug-of-war between us is tiring, and I'm at my wit's end pretending to be something I'm not.

I've done it for two years, shielding myself with a coat of armor made up of a lack of feeling. I've always been too soft, but it's not something I'm willing to fault myself for anymore.

Perhaps that's my consolation prize for not having a wolf. The ability to feel so deeply, to experience emotions on a deeper level without the suit of furry armor a wolf would provide.

It's that lack of a protective layer, coupled with my determination to not be so tough, that has me tearing up the second I walk into the empty kitchen.

Evidence of Flynn's being there is clear in the open pot and soiled spoon beside it. I slow my steps, ambling forward to what can only be interpreted as Flynn's resistance to any form of kindness.

A soft wind billows from the front door that hangs open, as if he'd fled from the kitchen in haste after discovering how terrible my cooking is. Disappointedly sighing, I hang my head as I proceed to cover the pot of meat stew and drag myself to the front door. Another howl rings out in the distance, lifting my gaze only to see how beautifully the moon casts its brilliance on our small town.

This is the part where I wish I had a wolf to shield me from the flurry of emotions beckoning at my throat, or to rush into the woods and climb up the mountains to release those emotions into a howl.

With my efforts falling short, I close the door behind me and drag my feet back upstairs while the howling continues as the backdrop to my grief.

***

As soon as I enter the pack center, I look up at the log ceiling and sigh. I thought that coming here would be a form of rebellion that would help me overcome the sorrow of knowing that Flynn Lycoan couldn't see beyond his dutifulness to the pack.

I'm going against his word once again, but it doesn't soothe my bruised ego the way I thought it would. Ever since he returned from training, I've become a shadow of my former self—the me who was strong-willed enough to not let anything get in my way.

Clutching the folds of the scarf I'm wearing around my neck, I feel the dark tendrils of low self-worth creeping forward from where I'd buried them before.

Not only am I going against the Alpha's orders, but I'm back in the center to carry out chores where I'm most vulnerable to the likes of Cynthia and her friends. That's why I have to hide the truth that I haven't been marked as the Alpha's mate. I can't turn to him for help, nor can I use my title as a defense.

I need to find my best friend, who once helped pull me out of a very dark time in my life.

A pair of warm, familiar arms wraps around my chest from behind, permitting me to close my eyes and relish the comfort. Smiling to myself, I murmur, “Hi, Val.”

“Happy birthday, Lila!” she exclaims excitedly, and my eyelids spring open with surprise.

“Val?!” I quickly turn around, my jaw dropping when she presses a box into my hand. I'd been wallowing so deeply in the sorrows of the previous night that I'd forgotten all about my upcoming birthday.

Which I now remember is tomorrow.

“Don't act so surprised,” she giggles. “Go on, open up. It's an early gift, but I couldn't wait.”

“I—” Gulping, I flit my eyes to the tiny wooden carved box with my initials and the words “Happy Birthday, Bestie!” on the top.

“You shouldn't have,” I pout at Valerie, who only insists I open the gift as she gently squeezes my fingers around the box.

I finally relent, pulling out a silver beaded necklace with a crescent moon pendant dangling from the center. It's too extravagant not to fuss over it and become teary-eyed as Valerie helps me put it around my neck.

“It's perfect,” I breathe in awe as I trace the pendant on my chest, patting the scarf back in place at the same time. “Thank you, Val.”

“Well…” she shrugs nonchalantly. “It's not as expensive as anything fit for the Luna, but it's all I could afford.”

I shake my head, a stray tear slipping from my eye as sadness wells up in my throat. I know that Valerie must have pulled extra time in the center just to afford jewelry from the market. The mere thought behind the gesture swells my heart with love for my best friend.

“It's everything,” I praise earnestly, because the truth is, it's more than I'd ever expect to receive as the Luna.

As far as my mate is concerned, all I get are dead-ends. This is everything.

“It's your birthday?” comes Cynthia's voice from the doorway of the linen room, prompting Valerie and I to exchange heated glances before turning to her.

I plaster a smile on my face, pretending once more to be okay while I'm dealing with my own inner turmoil.

“Not until tomorrow,” I reveal curtly. “But it's no big deal.”

With her arms crossed as she leans against the doorframe, Cynthia scoffs. “It should be. You are, after all, the Luna of this pack.” She shakes her head condescendingly. “Oh, wait”—a finger goes to her chin—“technically, you're not the Luna yet.”

“I am,” I declare boldly, tilting my chin defiantly while hiding my neck behind the scarf. It's like a switch goes off inside my head, forcing me to remain courageous despite Cynthia's disproving smirk. “The Alpha has claimed me. Just last night, in fact.”

Cynthia scoffs. “You expect me to believe that?” She peels herself from the doorframe and steps forward. “Lemme see it.”

“I don't have to prove anything to you, Cynthia,” I bite back with a venomous tongue that betrays the weakness I'd been feeling earlier. I have never been able to stand up for myself like this, feeling so powerful in my own skin. “I am the Luna of this pack, and I do not answer to anyone except my mate.”

Cynthia throws daggers at me with the sharpness of her narrowed eyes. She's stunned, as expected. I am, too, but I hold my stance with my hands curling into fists at my sides. I didn't think I could use my title to my advantage, always feeling like I was not worthy of it when Flynn was around.

Now that he isn't here, I can master the art of using my title to protect myself, at least.

“Fine,” she relents with a huff, arms falling to her sides in defeat. “Whatever you say, Luna .” The last word is laced with venom as she spins on her heel and leaves the room.

“That. Was. Awesome!” Valerie squeals. “I hope you use those Luna privileges to get me a day off so we can celebrate tomorrow.”

“I'll speak to Dorothy.” I wink at Valerie, a self-satisfied grin on my lips that lasts the rest of the day as I help her out with the washing.

It goes by in a breeze, mostly because I haven't seen Flynn all day. Word goes around that the leader has called for a meeting with the younger males in the pack, and that none of the Blood Moon werewolves are allowed to leave Zafra. The sudden lockdown only drives in the hard truth that I'm once again left out of his decisions. I have no idea what's going on, despite being his mate.

It's not that I was expecting anything else. Ever since becoming Luna, I haven't been involved in any real pack duties outside of the chores I've been tasked with since I was eighteen. Not much has changed, apart from dropping the Omega title for the Luna title, which at least allows me to deflect the terrors of those who once bullied me.

With Flynn occupied, I look forward to retreating to the main house without having to see him, and bid Valerie goodbye just as they're about to serve dinner to the pack members who gather in the timber dining area in the center of the market. Stealing away undetected, I make my way up the cobblestone path that leads to the big, empty building that houses this empty heart of mine.

The smile I've been wearing all day slips away when the daunting truth of my circumstances grows as near what is now my home. Not much of a home when I have no real duties to tend to apart from my everyday routine. The life I always dreamed of having is out of reach, even if the dream was a stretch for a werewolf like me. Without a wolf, left desolate by fate, I've become the Alpha's Luna while he couldn't care less about me.

If not for the sake of formalities, Flynn would never look my way. Every time I suspected he did, I must have been crazy. In hindsight, our passionate tryst that one fateful night was probably because he was in heat.

It's a known fact that male werewolves need to unleash their desires if they're able to hunt and fight with clear minds. I was in the right place at the right time for him to use my body and leave me as if I meant nothing while still trying to dictate how I live out my days.

“Hah!” I scoff as I unlock the front door, about to step inside when the rustle of bushes at the side of the house alerts me that I'm not alone.

“Who's there?” I call out, turning on the porch to scan my surroundings. All I see is a flash of something out of the corner of my eye before my vision is consumed by total darkness and the smell of chloroform ruptures my senses.